Chapter 38: 38 Chapter 38 Part 2

But when Ji Qingyou went to the bustling street scene to buy them some sweet dumplings, Brittany saw Yu Qinjiu put that blurry Polaroid photo into the most secure compartment of her bag. Her hand was still clutching the strap tightly, as if afraid someone would take it.

But in reality, besides Yu Qinjiu.

No one cared about that photo.

She even seemed to really like it.

Brittany pressed her lips together, vowing to take a perfect picture of them one day. As she thought this, she looked up and saw Ji Qingyou stop in front of a stall selling sweet dumplings.

Then, she heard Yu Qinjiu’s light voice.

“Boss, I need two portions of sweet dumplings. One with sesame filling, one with peanut filling.”

Brittany struggled to understand the situation. It was as if Yu Qinjiu was dubbing for Ji Qingyou, who was buying the dumplings over there, even though they were so far apart.

Probably sensing her curiosity, Yu Qinjiu lifted the corner of her mouth and smiled. “She doesn’t eat sweet dumplings. And every time she buys something, she starts her sentences with ‘I need.’ I bet that’s what she’s saying.”

Brittany was silent. She didn’t understand how adults could have such tacit understanding. But seeing the smile on Yu Qinjiu’s lips, she couldn’t help asking, “Debby, you’re not really planning on staying here, are you?”

She felt like she had asked the wrong question.

Because at that moment, she watched the smile on Yu Qinjiu’s lips stiffen. Then it slowly faded. After a long, long time, she lifted the corner of her mouth again, smiling like before. Her voice was very soft.

“I can’t.”

“Why not?” Brittany asked.

Yu Qinjiu fell into a very long silence. She turned into the version of herself from those long, dark London nights. A long, long time later, when Ji Qingyou turned to look at them.

The wind gently lifted her hair. She raised her hand to smooth it down. Then she lifted the corner of her mouth again and said, word by word,

“Because I can’t let Mama be alone again.”

In her considerations, she had never thought about being separated from Lin Yingxiang again.

She couldn’t tell if the pain of the past had drowned her, forming this twisted relationship between her and Lin Yingxiang. But every time the night was quiet and she thought back on the past, the images would flash through her mind, frame by frame.

She always inevitably thought.

If she hadn’t chosen to go find Ji Qingyou to confess her feelings on the day Lin Yingxiang had her car accident, maybe things would be much better now.

She couldn’t say that choosing Ji Qingyou at that time was a mistake. She always felt it had nothing to do with Ji Qingyou. But it was hard for her not to blame herself.

Why did she let Lin Yingxiang be alone that day?

Why did she spend that month letting Lin Yingxiang be alone?

She knew she shouldn’t have this mindset.

But from the day she learned the truth, she felt that Lin Yingxiang only had her left. And she herself seemed to be tied to Lin Yingxiang by a thin thread. The belief that she had to protect Lin Yingxiang from any further harm had formed an unbreakable knot between them.

It wasn’t Lin Yingxiang who could untie the knot.

And it wasn’t her.

She knew she was wrong. But she couldn’t do anything to untie it. She had tried many ways to stop obsessing over it. She pretended to be a normal daughter. But when Lin Yingxiang had let go of everything and was going on blind dates.

She would feel an inexplicable anxiety. What if the other person was no good again? What if they couldn’t love her mother the way she did? What if her mother was hurt again, like before? What if she had to face another broken Lin Yingxiang? What would she do then?

Many, many thoughts like this popped up.

She was very conflicted.

She hoped, more than anyone, that there was someone in this world who loved her mother more than she did. But it was hard for her to believe that such a person existed.

She hoped, more than anyone, that the knot could be untied.

She hoped, more than anyone, that she wasn’t such a stubborn person.

She also knew that Lin Yingxiang and Brittany both wanted her to live her own life well. But she still tried to hold onto the connection between her and Lin Yingxiang, to use this surface to cover up the guilt and blame deep inside.

In one night, she had lost her father and her brother.

She couldn’t lose her mother again.

“It’s actually not so bad now.” Under Brittany’s silent gaze, Yu Qinjiu said softly. “I have Mama. I have Auntie. I have Ji Qingyou…”

She paused for a few seconds, then smiled and patted Brittany’s head. “And I have you, such a cute little cousin. I’m already very satisfied.”

Brittany didn’t stop her. She insisted, “But when you go back to London, you won’t be able to find Ji whenever you want. And there’s an eight-hour time difference.”

“Then if I stay here, I can’t find Mama whenever I want. And there’s an eight-hour time difference.” Yu Qinjiu mimicked her tone, even a little deliberately. “You know about the eight-hour time difference?”

Brittany pouted. “I’m not a ten-year-old anymore.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Yu Qinjiu replied perfunctorily. “You’re an eleven-year-old big kid now. Not like me, who can find Mama anytime.”

Brittany lifted her chin. “Of course.”

She said, looking around. She frowned. “Where did Ji go?”

“Huh?” Yu Qinjiu followed her gaze, only to find that Ji Qingyou, who had been standing in front of the sweet dumpling vendor, was nowhere to be seen. A crowd had gathered around the vendor.

“I’ll call her.” She said, taking out her phone. But the moment she did, she found it was dead. She pressed her lips together. “She can’t be far. She must be buying something nearby. Let’s look around.”

Talking, Yu Qinjiu began scanning the noisy, crowded crowd. Then, holding Brittany’s hand, she wandered around the vicinity.

The night was deep, but the lantern festival activities weren’t over yet.

The most exciting part was saved for last. The stage next to them had started dragon and lion dances. There were also people in Hanfu, carrying pipa, weaving through the area. They attracted the crowds that had been scattered about before.

In just a few seconds, it seemed, the surging crowd swallowed them up.

Her breathing began to accelerate.

Yu Qinjiu held Brittany’s hand tightly, falling into the restless crowd. Shoulder to shoulder. She struggled to push through the people, weaving through the colorful lights.

Her gaze darted around, trying to find Ji Qingyou.

But there were too many people. She felt suffocated. Short of breath. Her steps became difficult. Not only did she not find Ji Qingyou, but she was also pushed by someone, accidentally separated from Brittany.

Brittany was a few people away from her. She heard her calling her name, a little scared.

Yu Qinjiu struggled to make her way over to her. But she was having trouble breathing. The crowd pressed in around her. She kept her eyes on Brittany. But she just couldn’t get there.

In the end, Brittany stood there in the crowd, looking at her with concern, shouting something.

But she couldn’t hear a single word. She could only make out, from her lip movements, that she was calling her name.

She emphasized, “Don’t go far. Just stay there.”

Brittany nodded. But her expression became more and more anxious. She still struggled to push through the crowd towards her. She even threw away everything she was holding and called her name.

She was bumped into again.

Her chest felt tight and stifled. It was like something was blocking her. Yu Qinjiu realized that she was the one who needed to be worried about.

Compared to the eleven-year-old Brittany, who had normal reasoning skills and wouldn’t suddenly experience anxiety or difficulty breathing.

In this surging crowd.

Yu Qinjiu was the one who needed to be looked after.

She wanted to tell Brittany not to worry about her. She wanted to tell her to be careful of the people around her. She wanted to find Ji Qingyou in the crowd.

But.

But.

In this anxious state, she pinched her fingertips hard to stay conscious. But she still couldn’t make a sound. It was hard to stay calm.

The sounds of breathing and laughter from the crowd came one after another.

For a moment.

She felt like everyone had turned into tiny butterflies. Shrinking into countless tiny dots in the air. Flapping their wings in the same rhythm as the butterfly on her neck.

She breathed heavily.

Trying to make the hallucination stop.

The sensation on her neck grew stronger. She kept rubbing against the scarf wrapped around her, burying her face in the thick wool, trying to calm herself down. But the more she did, the faster the butterfly seemed to flutter.

The crowd was still surging.

But in an instant, she was the only one left.

Standing alone in the middle of it all. One by one, the tiny butterflies covered her. Then slowly, completely submerged her.

Everything in her vision was still bright.

But it seemed to be getting darker. She struggled to keep her eyes open. She tried to use the breathing therapy she had used before, trying to keep her emotions calm.

She couldn’t hyperventilate.

Otherwise, she might experience something she couldn’t control.

She couldn’t, in this state, under the gaze of countless people, fall to the ground, convulse, have any symptoms that would consume her.

She should be a normal person.

She shouldn’t be sick.

How could she not even be able to find someone?

How could she not even be able to take care of Brittany in a situation like this?

She forced herself to fight everything. She almost buried her face in the thick scarf around her neck. But she was pushed again.

Her scarf caught on an external force. It was almost pulled away.

In that moment, her breathing became rapid.

She turned around to look for it. The next second, she crashed into a soft embrace. The delicate scent of sea salt and grapefruit wrapped around her. In the surging crowd, it created a glass barrier.

Isolating her from the world. Wrapping her securely.

The scarf that had been caught was pulled back. Very gently, loop by loop, it was wrapped around her neck again. Binding the rampant butterfly.

Her eyes began to well up. She held tightly onto the person who had protected her. She called out, with difficulty,

“Ji Qingyou…”

“Hmm.” In the noisy crowd, Ji Qingyou’s voice was very soft. As if afraid of scaring her. Her warm palm cradled her head. She held her close. She said very, very softly in her ear, “After I bought the sweet dumplings, I saw the green rice balls you used to love when you were a kid. They said the filling was pearl milk tea. I thought I’d buy some for you…”

Yu Qinjiu’s breathing involuntarily quickened for a second. Her fingers gripping her sleeve used a little too much force.

Ji Qingyou’s soft voice paused at that moment. But then she hugged Yu Qinjiu a little tighter. As if holding the most precious, most fragile thing in the world.

The night wind brushed through the crowd. She was silent for a few seconds. When she spoke, a restrained breath escaped.

“I’m here, Yu Qinjiu.”