Chapter 43: But I’m Not a Bad Woman. Part 2

Hearing Bailan’s words, a wave of bitterness rose in Lin Yingxiang’s heart. But seeing the smile on Yu Qinjiu’s face from afar, her heart sank, and she swallowed the bitterness down.

She steeled herself and looked at Bailan. “I have fair skin. My foundation is just too yellow.”

Qin Bailan reached out and rubbed her face. “You’re right.”

–

Watching Yingxiang and Bailan walk out of sight with their fishing gear, Yu Qinjiu slowly withdrew her gaze, landing on Ji Qingyou’s face, who was crouched in front of her.

“My mom is whispering to Aunt Qin.” She said this with certainty. Her voice held no complaint, only helplessness regarding Yingxiang’s recent actions. “And it’s about me.”

Ji Qingyou was checking the scar on her knee from the fall a few days ago, her gaze focused. She gently folded up her pant leg. Hearing this, she looked up at her. “Maybe she’s worried about the scar on your knee.”

“Maybe.” Yu Qinjiu’s gaze dropped. She lifted her knee nonchalantly. “But it’s fine now. It doesn’t hurt.”

“A scab has formed, but you still need to be careful.” Ji Qingyou fulfilled her duty as a doctor.

“Can I still skateboard today?” Yu Qinjiu’s brow furrowed slightly.

Ji Qingyou looked at her. She gently raised her hand and smoothed the crease on her brow. “Didn’t you say frowning isn’t pretty?”

“So, am I not pretty?” Yu Qinjiu asked back, swinging her leg in front of her, her expression adorable.

Ji Qingyou thought for a moment. “You’re still pretty.”

Yu Qinjiu relaxed her brow, satisfied. “You weren’t lying this time.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t answer. She just stood up, helped her to her feet, and reminded her, “Keep your movements small. Wear your knee pads. Don’t fall on the same spot. Don’t twist your ankle. Definitely don’t try the move you just saw…”

She tended to talk a lot in situations like this. Qinjiu didn’t find her annoying. She listened quietly, then, with a smile in her eyes, patiently replied, “I know, Dr. Ji.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t stop Yu Qinjiu from skateboarding on such a bright, beautiful day. She just watched over her. Qinjiu had suddenly become someone with boundless energy. She had been so sleepy in the morning.

But in the park, amidst the pleasant wind and cheerful people, she became incredibly lively. She would pick a few flowers she saw on the path, take some photos. If she saw someone walking a dog, she would go over and hug it, asking Qingyou to take a pretty picture of her with the dog. If she saw someone else skateboarding, she would seriously go up and discuss moves with them…

The entire afternoon.

It felt like a spring from long ago, without betrayal, without deceit, without a depleted life force.

Only kind people keeping each other company.

But was it really like that?

Ji Qingyou tried to ignore the way Qinjiu’s gaze would occasionally drift into emptiness, the way her hand would tremble from exhaustion when she held Qingyou’s, the way she would take steps towards the fishing area. But they soon found themselves there.

It wasn’t until she saw Lin Yingxiang sitting safely among a group of people that Yu Qinjiu slowly loosened her grip on Qingyou’s hand. She watched Yingxiang in silence for a while, then smiled at Qingyou and said, “Let’s go back.”

This was the rare moment of quiet for Yu Qinjiu the whole day. The rest of the time, she embedded herself in the cheerful crowd, making herself not appear so quiet.

And then, leaving all the quiet for the night.

Night fell. The stars rose high, the moonlight spreading everywhere. The others had already settled down. Ji Qingyou and Yu Qinjiu shared a tent. When Ji Qingyou came out of the empty tent with a book, she saw Qinjiu sitting on a camping chair by the river.

The river wind blew slowly. Two camping chairs were placed side-by-side, with only a dim lamp between them, its light flickering.

Yu Qinjiu sat there very quietly, wearing her scarf. Her smooth hair was tousled by the unruly wind. Above her head was the tangli pear tree, now covered in night’s shadow. A few more white petals drifted down slowly, landing on her shoulder.

She had her back to the tent, not knowing what she was thinking.

Ji Qingyou watched her back for a long time. Then, she went back into the tent and fetched a coat. She walked over, gently draped the coat over her, then sat down on the vacant camping chair beside her.

“Why are you sitting here?” Ji Qingyou asked.

Yu Qinjiu had a bottle of green pomelo juice in her hand, half finished. She looked up at Qingyou, her nose wrinkled. “Just juice alone isn’t very good.”

Ji Qingyou’s gaze dropped.

Yu Qinjiu continued, “Too sweet.”

Ji Qingyou understood. “Quitting alcohol is hard. You can have a little.”

Yu Qinjiu tilted her head and looked at her, her tone becoming childish. “No, I can’t. My doctor said alcohol is harmful to humans. I can’t drink anymore.”

Ji Qingyou stared at her silently. After a long moment, she put down the book in her hand, titled “I Want to Talk to You About the World of Psychiatric Patients,” and said softly, “It’s the alcohol that’s harmful. Not you.”

Yu Qinjiu was stunned. When she realized what was said, she was silent for a moment. Her fingertips gently rubbed the bottle in her hand. A while later, she took a sip and spoke with effort. “You caught me again. I can’t hide anything from you.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t speak. She just waited quietly for Qinjiu to continue.

After a moment of silence, Qinjiu finally spoke. “Even though I know Mom wants what’s best for me, and that’s why she wants me to stay, she’s always so determined to push me away. It’s easy for me to misunderstand…”

Even now, she still used a soft tone and a childish demeanor, without a hint of blame. Her voice was so light it seemed like it would be scattered by the next gust of wind.

“If this keeps up, I’ll think she doesn’t want me anymore.”

From Qinjiu’s perspective, it was undeniably bitter. Her mother, who had shared the first half of her life with her, was suddenly pushing her away with unusual resolve, wanting her to stay alone in the vast Nanwu City. Even though Yingxiang had found Ji Qingyou and had understandable reasons.

But the fact that they were competing over this issue could already make Qinjiu sad.

“She doesn’t not want you.” Ji Qingyou’s voice was a little dry.

“I know.” Yu Qinjiu said this definitively. There should be no one in the world who believed more firmly than her in how much Lin Yingxiang loved her. But on this matter, she was indeed unwilling to concede.

But she wasn’t sure.

Whether it was a pathological anxiety and distrust that made her unable to be separated from Yingxiang for long, or an inability to trust anyone who got close to Yingxiang. Or was it the guilt hidden in her heart that had never dissipated, making her always hope…

That she was the one who loved Lin Yingxiang the most in this world.

It felt like that would give her some peace.

This was a question she didn’t even know the answer to. It was also a problem that, if brought up, would be criticized. People would say she was selfish, that she was sick, that she was harming both Yingxiang and herself, that they wouldn’t understand her, and they would think she was asking for trouble…

She knew this very well.

But still, she chose to expose her flaws and fragility in front of Ji Qingyou. “But she wants us to be apart because, in some ways, my existence keeps her from forgetting that past, doesn’t it?”

In the soft night breeze, her tone was full of uncertainty.

Very soft, but it sounded like a glass fishbowl shattering silently.

Ji Qingyou looked into her sad eyes. Her own eyes stung, as if she were being pulled into that summer that tore everyone apart.

“How could it be?” She tried her best to soothe Qinjiu. “You are the only real thing she had from that past. She wouldn’t abandon you.”

“You’re right.” Yu Qinjiu’s head drooped slightly. Her chin rubbed against her scarf. Her clear eyes gradually filled with moisture. “Mom wouldn’t see me like that.”

“But… but… but…”

She said “but” three times in a row, unable to continue. She could only look up at Qingyou again, her eyes shimmering with tears.

She didn’t say anything, but it was like she had said everything.

Ji Qingyou met her gaze in the flickering lamplight of the night breeze. She watched her rubbing her neck against her scarf, watched her repeatedly open and close her lips, watched her tuck her windblown hair behind her ears, finally fiddling with the bottle of pomelo juice in her hand, the watery light flickering in her eyes, welling up.

Yu Qinjiu tried to ask Ji Qingyou for help. “What about you? What do you want me to do?”

“Your mother actually came to talk to me about this a long time ago. She wanted me to make you stay. But I never gave her an answer.” Ji Qingyou slowly raised her fingers, gently and slowly tidying Qinjiu’s windblown hair. She looked at her with a very gentle gaze.

“Honestly, I hadn’t figured it out myself at first. I felt it would be very hard for me to take on that responsibility, hard for me to replace your mother’s place in your eyes… I’ve actually read a lot of books on this subject. But I haven’t had this illness myself. It’s not my specialty. It’s hard for me to say which choice is better for you. But I got to know a few friends who work in this field a while back. One of them assessed your condition and recommended a lot of reading material. After reading it, I started to form an idea. But I still haven’t told your mother…”

“Why?” Yu Qinjiu couldn’t help asking. Even though she was enveloped in anxiety, under the softness of Qingyou’s gaze, she could barely remain calm.

“Probably because I was waiting for you to ask me about this, so I could tell you my thoughts first.” Ji Qingyou thought for a few seconds, then gave this answer. “I didn’t want you to hear my views on this from someone else. Secondhand information can easily lead to misunderstandings.”

Yu Qinjiu was speechless, the rims of her eyes turning red.

“Now that you’ve asked me, I think I can give you my answer.” Ji Qingyou spoke softly. She looked at Qinjiu again, gently wiping away the tears that had spilled from the corner of her eyes, looking at her with tender warmth.

“If I were a bad woman, I would probably ask you to stay. I might have even asked you to stay before your mother talked to me about it. Or maybe I’d pretend to be injured before you left. Or I’d get Li Nanli to persuade you too, maybe even Ji Xiruan to drop hints for me.

After your mother told me about it, I would have felt I had a perfect reason to keep you by my side. I would have agreed with her right away. If your mother was as bad as me, we would have ignored your wishes, gone to your company, made you quit, transferred you back. We would have used every excuse to destroy your life in the UK. We would have thought of every way to make you stay. If I were even worse, maybe I would have given up everything to follow you to the UK, making you feel guilty, making you owe me, binding you to me for life…”

“At that point, I would have told you plainly, ‘Stay, Yu Qinjiu. I need you more than your mother does.’”

In the quiet night, Ji Qingyou’s gentle voice flowed slowly. It was very soothing amidst the sound of the river.

As she finished, she looked at Yu Qinjiu, as always, catching all her tears. Very, very softly, she said, “But in reality, I might not need you as much as your mother does. Your mother isn’t a bad person. And I’m not the kind of bad woman I imagined myself to be.”

“I would rather not interfere with your decision. I cannot let you feel obligated to me just because I made you stay. That would make you suffer, and it would make me feel the relationship is twisted. So, whatever choice you make, I will be with you, helping you slowly improve the relationship between you and your mother.

We are not the eighteen-year-old versions of ourselves anymore. We don’t have to choose between one or the other, do we?”

“I think, at best, I can be considered the most irrational person in those TV shows.”

“If you become the snake I fear most, I will find the freshest food for you.”

“If you become a vampire afraid of sunlight, I will offer you my freshest blood.”

“If you need to go to war, I will be willing to be forged into your weapon.”

“If you are that little goldfish, I will do my utmost to protect you. Before you are crushed, I will do everything to overthrow that man, save you, and set you free.”

“If you are that little cat, I will never let my cousin take you away, even if my grandparents banish me from that home.”

“If you are sick, I will be fully prepared. At least, when you are with me, you won’t be tortured by my existence.”

Hearing this, Yu Qinjiu’s eyes felt very hot. Under the flickering, dim lamplight, in the flowing breeze, she looked at Qingyou, and Qingyou looked back at her.

“If you stay, I’ll practice skateboarding with you. You can make me the world’s best egg fried rice. We can go to London to see your mom from time to time. If you don’t stay, you can come back to visit Alps and Lollipop now and then. I can visit you in London too. We can go to the Average Tavern together to eat the world’s best egg fried rice…”

At this moment, an even tighter connection seemed to form between them. She saw Ji Qingyou slightly lift the corner of her mouth and say to her in the gusting wind, “No matter which choice you make, I will not let you lose me.”