Chapter 52 Part 2

—That was the simple and naive idea she had when she was seventeen.

Later, when she actually entered the profession, she realized her idea back then was impossible to fulfill.

“Back then, I really wanted to be a doctor she could trust.” In the quiet afternoon office, as sunlight streamed in, Ji Qingyou finally spoke. “For a while, she was very seriously hurt, very painful. I wanted to save her so badly, but eighteen-year-old me had no way to save her. I could have even become a mechanism that hurt her.”

“From that point on, I started thinking, I never want to be so helpless again. At least I could become her armor against this world. I hesitated when choosing my specialty in my fifth year because I really wanted to have the power to save her. But in the end, I didn’t choose psychiatry because…” She stared blankly at the book in her hands. “If I were a psychiatrist, it would be even harder for me to have that power.”

Ji Xiruan listened to the whole story. Even though Ji Qingyou hadn’t described the details and her tone was very calm, Ji Xiruan still felt that the sadness on Ji Qingyou seemed to drift over from ten years ago. It was very faint, but it was enough to envelop her. Thinking for a few seconds, she put away her unserious expression and spoke softly,

“Because the involvement in the relationship between a psychiatrist and their patient has certain limitations. Although she might not necessarily be your patient, although her anxiety disorder might not be as severe as I imagine, once you become a psychiatrist, you would be in an unbalanced relationship with her. And in front of her, you would inevitably fail to maintain your professional principles.”

“So you said that even if you were a psychiatrist, you wouldn’t be able to save her. So you read these books in a non-professional capacity, just to better understand the world she sees, not to become her doctor.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t deny it. Her gaze still fixed on her book, unmoving. After a long time, she said, “At that time, I did think about that, so I chose general surgery. But in reality…”

“No matter what kind of doctor I treat, I never have the confidence to become her doctor.”

Because in front of a sick Yu Qinjiu.

She was destined to be only that helpless and flustered Ji Qingyou, never able to become the rational and restrained Dr. Ji.

—

Approaching the end of her shift.

The department admitted a patient transferred from the emergency room: decompensated cirrhosis with fluid accumulation. Ji Qingyou had just walked in when Dr. Ding, exiting the ward after explaining the symptoms to the patient, saw her and said one word: “Consider a liver transplant.”

Her eyes met the person lying on the bed.

For a second, Ji Qingyou felt nothing but dizziness.

Everything in the ward seemed to sway, as if a meteor had suddenly flown in from outer space, collapsing her world. She took a few steps and had to stop, feeling like she had lost her breath.

A red-eyed Brittany called out to her. “Ji.”

Lin Yingxiang, lying on the bed, looked at her with concern, as if worried not about her own condition, but about Ji Qingyou’s state.

“Little You,” she called her as she always had, always a gentle elder.

Ji Qingyou took a breath and walked over. “Auntie, does Yu Qinjiu… does she know?”

She barely managed to get the words out, using all her strength.

“She knows I have this illness,” Lin Yingxiang said, then added, “But she just found out I’m in the hospital. She doesn’t know I need a liver transplant yet. She’s probably rushing over here now.”

Cirrhosis is an irreversible disease. For decompensated cirrhosis, a liver transplant is the best treatment option.

But.

It requires a tissue match among close relatives.

If the match fails, they would need to find a donor from the public.

“But I don’t want Little Jiu to be tested for a match,” Lin Yingxiang said hesitantly, her voice choked with emotion. “I haven’t done much for her in my life as a mother. I’ve already caused her so much pain with what happened between her father and me. Now I have to make her suffer being cut open for me, having part of her liver removed. What kind of mother would make her daughter go through that?”

“No!” Brittany said frantically. “What about me? What about me!”

The underage Brittany, of course, couldn’t be a donor.

Lin Yingxiang patted her head, unable to speak.

Ji Qingyou tightly clutched the watchband on her own wrist, took a deep breath, and said word by word, “Actually, you should know that if you stop her from being tested, and if her match this time fails, it will only cause her even more pain.”

Lin Yingxiang was stunned. The tears she had been holding back rolled down.

Ji Qingyou continued, “Dr. Ding and Director Wang are very skilled in liver transplants. The success rate is high. This degree of cirrhosis is not particularly difficult for him. It just so happens that Dr. Ding’s daughter was recently hospitalized for an appendectomy, and I was her attending physician. I got along pretty well with her. We even exchanged WeChat. If Yu Qinjiu’s match with you is successful…”

Her fingers clenched in the pocket of her white coat. Facing a stunned Lin Yingxiang, she forced a slight smile. “I’ll make sure he ensures Yu Qinjiu doesn’t feel too much pain during the surgery. I’ll also make sure the other assistants suture carefully and make it pretty.”

In this speech, her own name did not appear.

Just as she had told Ji Xiruan at noon, no matter what kind of doctor she was, she could never be Yu Qinjiu’s doctor.

Not even as a first assistant, or even a second assistant in this surgery. She had no power to do so.

When she walked out of the ward, Lin Yingxiang had more or less accepted her reasoning and had stopped insisting on “not letting Little Jiu get tested.”

Perhaps she already knew.

Excluding Yu Qinjiu from this matter would only cause her more pain.

Ji Qingyou forced herself to stay calm. But as she stepped out of the ward, she saw Yu Qinjiu sitting on a chair in the department corridor, her head slightly lowered, wearing a mask. Her expression was strangely blank. No one knew what she was thinking.

She looked like she was sitting there.

But also like she wasn’t really there.

Seeing Yu Qinjiu like this, Ji Qingyou suddenly found it hard to breathe. She could almost feel Yu Qinjiu’s sorrow at this moment. This sorrow was like a blunt knife that could get into every pore, cutting the skin to pieces before slowly letting the blood seep out.

I didn’t do anything.

This was what had once made Yu Qinjiu the saddest, a fixation she couldn’t escape.

It started on the night ten years ago when Lin Yingxiang was in a car accident. That night, Yu Qinjiu felt she should have been in that car with Lin Yingxiang. But she had refused Lin Yingxiang’s suggestion, choosing to stay with Ji Qingyou on the stage after the graduation ceremony, choosing to disrupt her own plans. While Lin Yingxiang was witnessing those terrible scenes, she was dreaming of her own future.

It spread during the month Lin Yingxiang was hospitalized after the accident ten years ago. That month, Yu Qinjiu felt she should have understood Lin Yingxiang, should have been the one in the world who understood Lin Yingxiang’s gaze best. But she didn’t understand at the time. She even sided with Yu Cheng and Yu Muzhou, blaming Lin Yingxiang for what she did to Yu Muzhou.

It solidified ten years ago on the day Yu Qinjiu witnessed Yu Cheng and Gu Xi’s affair. That day, Yu Qinjiu felt she should have rushed in, taken photos of them, been a brave daughter who exposed this, and become Lin Yingxiang’s sole support in the real world. But she didn’t. She chose to run away.

It was continuously reinforced over the next ten years she lived with Lin Yingxiang. During those ten years, she should have been Lin Yingxiang’s pillar, forgotten the painful past. She felt she should at least be a healthy daughter, that she should at least stay by Lin Yingxiang’s side forever. But she hurt Lin Yingxiang through many of her choices. Seeing the same hallucinations as Lin Yingxiang, she developed a shared delusional disorder with her. She was forced to be separated from Lin Yingxiang. During those months, she watched Lin Yingxiang suffer, but couldn’t share her pain. Because she wasn’t a healthy daughter who could support Lin Yingxiang. So even though Lin Yingxiang’s world had only her left, she couldn’t improve their difficult and miserable situation.

So.

She made herself have an anxiety disorder. She repeated over and over that she couldn’t be separated from Lin Yingxiang. This was also, in a way, a self-punishment mechanism.

So forced separation wasn’t the key to solving this. So Ji Qingyou absolutely could not let Yu Qinjiu have to choose between her and Lin Yingxiang again.

And now, Ji Qingyou understood this better than anyone.

Yet at this moment.

It was hard for Ji Qingyou to tell if the match failed, how Yu Qinjiu would ever get out of this.

But.

All she could do was stay by Yu Qinjiu’s side, at least not becoming a mechanism for Yu Qinjiu to continue her self-harm.

She quietly walked over and sat in the empty seat next to Yu Qinjiu. She felt she should say something, at least repeat the words she had said to Lin Yingxiang in the ward, for Yu Qinjiu.

But as she tried to open her mouth, nothing came out.

Surprisingly.

Before she could speak, Yu Qinjiu spoke first, her voice bitter and astringent.

“Mom’s illness isn’t very serious with current medical technology. It can be cured as long as we find a donor. And a liver transplant isn’t a very dangerous surgery. If I get a match with her, Mom will be healthy, right?”

Faced with such a question, Ji Qingyou didn’t know how to answer. She couldn’t say, “We also need to consider if your liver is suitable for donation.”

“But I used to drink a lot. I didn’t take care of my body. I knew Mom had cirrhosis, but I still couldn’t stop myself from drinking…” Yu Qinjiu said, dazedly.

“You didn’t.” Ji Qingyou interrupted her, holding her icy hand, transferring her own warmth. “I’ve seen the bottles you used to drink. The alcohol content is very low. You controlled your alcohol intake within a reasonable range. It won’t have any effect on your liver at all.”

At that moment, miraculously, Ji Qingyou remembered many details.

To protect her liver, Yu Qinjiu struggled but kept her anxiety medication use to a minimum, because those drugs could damage the liver.

Rather than saying Yu Qinjiu wasn’t prepared.

It was more accurate to say Yu Qinjiu had done everything she could to keep herself in the healthiest possible state. She had given everything for this. She couldn’t accept being powerless in this matter.

“You’ve already done a lot,” Ji Qingyou emphasized.

Yu Qinjiu didn’t say a word, but her eyes gradually reddened. She even unconsciously dug her nails into her palm, very, very hard.

Ji Qingyou pried her fingers open, but she still couldn’t stop squeezing.

So Ji Qingyou interlaced her fingers with her own, holding her hand tightly.

“It can be cured.”

“Really?” Yu Qinjiu asked, her voice choked with sobs.

Ji Qingyou stared at her, speaking word by word. “Even if your match isn’t successful, I have confidence that our hospital can definitely cure Auntie. You will not lose her.”

The hand she held was still cold.

Yu Qinjiu gripped her hand hard, her body leaning closer, like a burning piece of newspaper curling up, burying herself in Ji Qingyou’s arms. Even her breathing showed a kind of helpless cowering.

For a long time.

The tears streaming from Yu Qinjiu burned hole after hole on Ji Qingyou’s shoulder. She said, with great difficulty, “Then I’ll trust you.”

Ji Qingyou held her, and said without hesitation, “You can trust me.”

If something goes wrong, let me be the one you blame.