Chapter 44: Not Now

She didn’t want the bird. She wasn’t in trouble and afraid.

Liu Yun thought for a moment. “Did the arguing in court today scare you?”

Liu Yun didn’t want to think this way, but she asked anyway, “Was it… the way Li Jianyun was, did that scare you?”

Today was the first time Li Jianyun, as Emperor, had properly met Shen Yuezhuang since his ascension.

The relationship between sovereign and minister was a chasm, a vast divide. The little friendship that had once existed was minuscule, replaced by the absolute power of life and death: “If the sovereign wishes a minister dead, the minister must die.”

The big scene in court today might not have been a perfect display of imperial majesty, but at least it was different from the Li Jianyun that Shen Yuezhuang used to know.

But Shen Yuezhuang lay a bit flatter and looked at Liu Yun in surprise. “No, an Emperor has to be like that, right?”

Shen Yuezhuang had never seen Emperor Jiande, but she had seen Emperor Xuanwu when she was very young. The sovereign who was described by his ministers as warlike and bloodthirsty would, after court was dismissed, go to Seventeen’s Jade Hibiscus Palace to have meals and play chess with her.

Seventeen had never been good at chess. Even Shen Yuezhuang could wipe the floor with her. But Emperor Xuanwu always lost, then “lost” whatever betting stake he had prepared to her beforehand.

Emperor Xuanwu and Seventeen shared a rare father-daughter bond for an imperial family. Emperor Xuanwu understood the grievances Seventeen endured with her quiet, unobtrusive, and humble demeanor. Seventeen also understood the many helplessness of being Emperor, and always restrained herself, trying to be more understanding. Even when the other princesses and princes secretly bullied her, she never complained.

Back then, Shen Yuezhuang couldn’t understand Seventeen’s willingness to back down. She always thought, if she had an Emperor for a father who doted on her like that, she would never let herself be treated that way!

But Seventeen told her, “An Emperor is just a title. Setting aside the title, the Son of Heaven is still a person. People have many roles. Outside, you must treat him as the Son of Heaven. Only in the Jade Hibiscus Palace can you treat him as a father.”

But even now, Shen Yuezhuang couldn’t fully grasp the meaning of those words. Perhaps she was too slow, and her understanding of them was limited to “that makes sense.”

It made sense, but she was stuck at the part where she was supposed to act on it. How was she supposed to know which role the person standing in front of her was playing at any given moment?

Seventeen was precocious. Shen Yuezhuang was not. She could only react belatedly. For example, when she first saw Liu Yun in the third month, Liu Yun had been feeling guilty.

That was the guilt of a friend. So Shen Yuezhuang, acting as a friend in return, had sulked and thrown a tantrum.

Later, when she saw Li Jianyun, he had come alone with wine for a heart-to-heart talk under the moonlight. This, too, was as a friend. So Shen Yuezhuang was unrestrained and did as she pleased.

But that was the court. In court, he was naturally the Son of Heaven!

Although Shen Yuezhuang sometimes lacked a sense of proportion, making her unruliness a bit like giving her an inch and she taking a mile, she wasn’t stupid enough to treat the person high on the throne as someone she could do whatever she wanted with!

Just in terms of his role, Li Jianyun’s words and actions were consistent with Shen Yuezhuang’s image of an Emperor, even more merciful than Emperor Xuanwu!

At least he could tolerate the ministers’ interference in affairs. During the Xuanwu era, it was the sovereign who spoke, and the ministers who followed!

So, since it was to be expected, talking about being scared was irrelevant.

But being reminded of this, Shen Yuezhuang remembered something. “Oh, right. I forgot to congratulate you. Your younger brother’s great achievement this time will give you someone to back you up in the palace from now on! Only…” She paused, frowning. “The Left Chancellor impeached quite a few people at court, and your brother was among them.”

Liu Yun set aside the cold egg. Her expression showed neither much joy nor worry about her brother being impeached. She was so calm that it displeased Shen Yuezhuang, who almost instinctively hated the gloomy, lifeless air that clung to Liu Yun!

She had even deliberately tried to make Liu Yun angry before, just to dispel that gloom. But that wouldn’t work now either.

Shen Yuezhuang blinked and looked at her. “Aren’t you happy?”

“It was to be expected. There’s no being happy or unhappy about it.”

Liu Yun let out a soft sigh. There were some things she didn’t want to discuss with Shen Yuezhuang in much detail. But Shen Yuezhuang seemed completely uninterested in everything else, and only this topic made her look slightly curious. So Liu Yun ultimately continued.

“It’s obvious. The Left Chancellor’s daughter wasn’t forbidden from becoming Empress. It was that the Left Chancellor’s faction, currently unchecked, couldn’t afford to have another Empress within it.”

“The Empress Dowager’s younger brother could also be made a prince or a minister. But an Empress Dowager who already holds sway in the inner palace cannot have powerful relatives.”

So, she, the Empress Dowager who now had backing, needed an Empress to check her power. Similarly, at court, the Left Chancellor’s influence also needed Liu Lusheng to share it, or at least, the Left Chancellor, who stood above all others, couldn’t appear too close to the military officers.

The sovereign’s way was about balance. Now, they just had to wait for Liu Lusheng to return in triumph, and then preparations for the enthronement ceremony of the Empress would begin.

So Liu Yun had no reason to be happy or unhappy. After all, the matters of status that Shen Yuezhuang didn’t understand were all too clear to her.

Hearing this, Shen Yuezhuang’s expression was a bit dazed. She nodded as if she understood.

“Good, as long as you know what you’re doing. I’ll sleep for a bit now.”

She turned onto her side again and stifled a yawn, her eyes still wet.

She had cried and stayed up late the night before, and after talking for so long, she seemed genuinely sleepy.

Rubbing her eyes, she saw that Liu Yun didn’t seem to be leaving. “Is there something else?”

Liu Yun looked down at her for a long time, then finally slumped her shoulders in defeat.

She propped her elbow on the inside of the bed, her curled fingers resting near Shen Yuezhuang’s forehead. Her fingertips gently brushed her brow, as if soothing a frightened little animal.

“Yes!” Liu Yun finally gave up on beating around the bush and asked directly, “Last night, you kept pestering me with questions. Then you go to court this morning and come back so unhappy. Don’t you think you should tell me what this is about?”

Hearing this, Shen Yuezhuang turned her head away and pursed her lips. “I don’t want to say!”

Instinctively, she tried to curl up into a ball, her head bumping straight into Liu Yun’s palm.

Half exasperated, half amused, Liu Yun frowned slightly, but a smile tugged at the corner of her mouth. The side of her thumb rested on Shen Yuezhuang’s hairline, rubbing gently. But her tone carried a hint of annoyance. “Fine! Then in the future, when I’m unhappy, I won’t let you ask me why either!”

How could that be allowed?!

Shen Yuezhuang frowned and glared back. Seeing that Liu Yun showed no sign of compromise, she bumped her head back into her palm.

Her long eyelashes occasionally brushed against the heel of Liu Yun’s hand. It was very ticklish.

It was a long time before she finally spoke. “My father said that our family’s shops have stopped doing business with the Southern Frontier.”

She looked a bit lost, her gaze fixed on the intricate patterns on Liu Yun’s sleeves. Her eyes were not as bright as usual; they were dim and dejected, like a wounded little animal hiding away to lick its wounds.

When Liu Yun heard the words “Southern Frontier,” she was startled. Then, as if confirming the guess in her heart, Shen Yuezhuang continued, “I don’t know how to find people from the Southern Frontier. If I can’t find anyone from the Southern Frontier, I don’t know how to help you with the poison.”

A violent tremor passed through Liu Yun’s perpetually calm eyes.

As she had said, if it was to be expected, there was no being happy or unhappy about it.

Shen Yuezhuang knew her poison came from the Southern Frontier, so she had looked for shops connected to it. Now that lead was dead, and she was sad about it. Logical, not surprising!

But Liu Yun couldn’t stop the burning heat and restlessness that seemed to ignite within her heart.

Liu Yun could hardly describe what this feeling within her was. But her once-vaunted calm and reason completely collapsed the moment she saw Shen Yuezhuang looking so sad for her.

She was like a piece of land that had been dry for too long. When the long-unneeded rain finally poured down, she only felt a bewildered, overwhelming sense of unworthiness.

The breath Shen Yuezhuang exhaled landed on Liu Yun’s wrist.

Medical texts said that subtle signs could reveal much. So, the three-inch pulse at the wrist could indicate the condition of all the internal organs.

If a master physician like Hua Tuo were alive today, taking her pulse at this moment, could they perceive that all her five organs and six bowels were being kneaded together, burnt to a cinder, then melted into a single, warm, comforting sensation spreading throughout her body? This was a warmth that seeped from deep within her bones, far better than any medicinal bath!

Liu Yun’s heart felt like it was melting.

She suddenly wanted very much to kiss her.

Very, very much.

She leaned down, her nose brushing against Shen Yuezhuang’s earlobe. Hidden, as if unintentional, her lips grazed her jaw.

This kind of intimate cheek-to-cheek contact was enough to make one blush and the heart race, while also causing Liu Yun to completely forget how to console her.

Shen Yuezhuang was still sad, but Liu Yun was truly not good at this. With others, she might have had a few tricks and mind games. But with her…

Liu Yun’s eloquence seemed like a joke at this moment. Her mind was a complete blank. She said, almost ridiculously, “The court has long intended to negotiate peace with Nanchu. Last year, Nanchu was hit by widespread famine. Our victory over the Xiongnu this year is undoubtedly a good opportunity. If we establish friendly relations with Nanchu, it will naturally be necessary to draw a clear line with the Southern Frontier.”

“You… don’t need to worry!”

She tried to distract Shen Yuezhuang with this so-called “serious matter.” But her final “don’t worry” seemed to imply that Shen Yuezhuang was worried about her family’s shops. Liu Yun inwardly scolded herself for the clumsy attempt, but Shen Yuezhuang didn’t seem to take it that way.

Liu Yun’s “serious matter” was enough to make her sleepy. She just hummed softly, her voice limp and drowsy.

Liu Yun, however, held her tight, her breathing growing heavier.

She gradually tightened her arms, putting more weight on her. She seemed a bit worried, but when she heard a comfortable little moan from Shen Yuezhuang, she relaxed again. “You like this?”

Half-asleep, Shen Yuezhuang nodded against her palm. “I like it.”

Liu Yun’s melting heart felt like it was blooming, tiny flowers blossoming across a vast landscape.

Unable to help herself, Liu Yun pecked a light kiss on her cheek, moving from behind her ear. “And this?”

Shen Yuezhuang’s eyelashes fluttered slightly. “Mmm… like it.”

Liu Yun finally couldn’t help it. She kissed the corner of her mouth. But Shen Yuezhuang let out a protesting “Mmph.”

“No. Not now.”

As Liu Yun shifted, the bed curtains parted, letting in a sliver of light from outside, which vaguely brought back some of Liu Yun’s reason.

Liu Yun felt she must be crazy, indulging herself like this in broad daylight!

But she was still surprised that Shen Yuezhuang could say something so “proper.” She couldn’t resist teasing her.

“If not now, then no more kissing in the future?”

“No!” Shen Yuezhuang even hurriedly opened her heavy eyelids. She glared at her without much menace, her expression accusatory. “You promised! After court is dismissed, come to the Longevity Palace. I can kiss you as much as I want!”

Liu Yun’s heart gave a heavy leap.

She couldn’t argue, because she had indeed said that.

It was a remark that Liu Yun had blurted out after being provoked by the unfinished half of Shen Yuezhuang’s sentence that morning. It was a remark tinged with a kind of indescribable, or perhaps obfuscating, annoyance, like issuing a challenge. It carried her hidden, illicit desires… but this moment of indulgence now had an excuse. After all, it wasn’t the first time she had been crazy.

What was even crazier was that she followed up on Shen Yuezhuang’s words. “Then why not now?”

Shen Yuezhuang’s shoulders slumped, her tone filled with undisguised disappointment. “There’s no chamber pot now.”

Last night, she had gone looking for a chamber pot in the middle of kissing. Liu Yun had thought she was scared by her and had made up an excuse on the spot.

But today, Liu Yun finally realized something. She pursed her lips tightly, suppressing a laugh, and asked her, “Why do you need a chamber pot?”

“Because… things feel strange down there.”

There was no shyness on Shen Yuezhuang’s face, only a hint of confusion and perplexity at this troublesome feeling.

Liu Yun’s gaze dropped, glancing towards her waist. Her eyes suddenly seemed to be filled with a scattered, hidden moonlight.

She was…

Liu Yun kicked off her shoes and lay down on the bed fully clothed, her heart thumping as she looked at the moonlight before her.

The moonlight was the same as always, illuminating the departing lover’s full load of loneliness.

The moment Liu Yun lay down, Shen Yuezhuang automatically turned around and found a comfortable spot in her arms.

Liu Yun’s arms were full, and so was her heart. She stroked Shen Yuezhuang’s loose hair, as if gaining a new understanding of the extraordinary significance of her words, “I like it.”

Liu Yun couldn’t help but lift her face and ask her, “Do you really like kissing?”

Shen Yuezhuang nodded, half-asleep. Liu Yun asked again, “Why do you like it?”

Shen Yuezhuang’s eyelids were too heavy to lift. Without thinking, she blurted out, very directly, “Because it feels good.”

“And what if kissing someone else also feels good?” Liu Yun paused, then added, “For example, A Sang, Chun Rui, Gu Qingzhi, or even… your Sister Pei!”

“Someone else?” This time, Shen Yuezhuang was quiet for a long time, so long that it seemed she had already fallen asleep.

“…I don’t want to.”

Liu Yun pressed on. “Hmm?”

Shen Yuezhuang frowned, trying to burrow into her shoulder. She was tired and annoyed by Liu Yun’s persistent questioning. Her voice was muffled and grumpy as it came from her shoulder.

She said, “I don’t want to kiss anyone else!”