Chapter 45

After Xue Tong finished speaking and turned to leave, Lu Shimiao stood by the bed, stunned for a long time.

The veil over their ambiguous relationship had been lifted. Xue Tong’s explicit and implicit expressions were clear enough.

Lu Shimiao sat on the edge of the bed, her hand gripping the sheets as she turned to look at the damp mattress. Xue Tong’s traces were there. The words spoken just moments ago were also real.

Xue Tong had come to Shanghai for her.

Bizarre.

Everything that had happened tonight made Lu Shimiao feel utterly surreal, like a ghost story.

She lay down, hiding under the pillow.

What occupied her mind wasn’t the meaning behind Xue Tong’s words.

It was that one sentence:

“Even if I hadn’t left back then, the separation would have happened anyway. Your flight would have taken off as scheduled. It wouldn’t have changed a thing whether I left or not.”

Lu Shimiao pulled the blanket over her head again, closing her eyes. The secrets hidden deep within her heart peeked out, consuming her. Shame and guilt knocked against her head, blow after blow. It was as if she were looking into a mirror, and the reflection of herself seemed so strange. Lu Shimiao even felt angry. She started biting the corner of the blanket, wanting to shred everything Xue Tong had glimpsed within her.

She wasn’t like that.

She had waited at the airport back then. She had sent Xue Tong a text message! It was only because Xue Tong hadn’t replied that they drifted apart silently, wasn’t it?

She had no choice but to leave, hadn’t she?

Besides, she was only 23 years old, hadn’t even graduated, her family was in Shanghai, and there was a six-year age gap between them. They were both women. How could she possibly be worthy of Xue Tong?

Why did Xue Tong have to throw all these questions at her at once?

Lu Shimiao lay awake the entire night.

The next morning.

Xue Tong was making breakfast downstairs when she saw Lu Shimiao coming down.

The living room had been completely tidied up. The scent of fragrance masked last night’s alcohol. The liquor bottles had all vanished. It looked no different than before.

“Eat.” Xue Tong’s breakfast was punctual, and her tone was sufficiently calm.

Lu Shimiao walked over to her and murmured quietly, “Morning.”

“Morning.”

Xue Tong maintained her polite courtesy, placing a sandwich in front of her.

The two stood facing each other, as if they were back on the Equator 28th Floor.

Xue Tong didn’t mention a single word about the previous night’s events. Lu Shimiao, head bowed, also pretended nothing had happened.

Halfway through the meal, Xue Tong asked casually,

“What’s your score on the annual psychological evaluation for Criminal Police?”

“Evaluation?”

Lu Shimiao shook her head. “There’s no evaluation… You mean the police psychological test, right? Our psychological tests only stay at the exam level, just two sets of papers. Just something to get through.”

“Does the police force arrange any psychological counseling for you all?” Xue Tong took a sip of coffee, her eyes focused on Lu Shimiao’s expression.

Lu Shimiao pinched her sandwich and took a big bite. “Psychologists are as rare as gold, you can’t even get an appointment. But our force has psychological symposiums, talks from the Political Instructor, that kind of thing. And after that, we still have to work overtime writing a ton of reports and learning reflections… Rather not have them.”

Xue Tong’s coffee cup paused at her lips.

She stared blankly at the person before her, her tone laced with disbelief. “In your four years of work, you’ve never seen one? Not even once? Like after facing a homicide, or participating in a rescue mission, after a serious case… The force doesn’t arrange psychological counseling and welfare care for… you all?”

Lu Shimiao lifted her head and met Xue Tong’s eyes.

“The precinct your house is in has a population of one million. The local police station plus the Criminal Police Unit total only a few hundred officers. Frontline Community Police work an average of 15 hours a day and can only get one day off every three weeks. Don’t even mention us. Where’s the time for counseling?”

Her tone was light, almost joking. “Did you think the mainland is the same as Hong Kong, with a dedicated ‘Stress Management’ mechanism, where you have to report to the Psychological Counseling Room according to the Police General Orders?”

…

Xue Tong’s water glass remained frozen at her lips. She realized the severity of the problem.

“Then….”

Xue Tong’s hand tightened around the cup as she looked at Lu Shimiao cautiously. After hesitating for a long time, she said, “Then when I have time… I’ll take you to see a doctor, okay?”

Lu Shimiao’s chewing stopped. She stood there dumbly for a long moment before throwing out a question,

“You think I’m sick too?”

Xue Tong was taken aback by her “I’m sick” comment, but her expression remained calm. She put down her cup and walked around to face Lu Shimiao.

“Policing is inherently a high-stress profession. Seeing a doctor doesn’t mean there’s a problem; it’s about preventing problems. I see one often.”

Lu Shimiao’s gaze flickered away, seemingly unwilling to pin the issue on herself. She even suspected Xue Tong thought she was sick and that was why she wanted to take her to a doctor. This made her even sadder. She just wanted to leave for work right now. “Am I the only one who needs to see one? Then probably the entire Criminal Police Unit needs to…”

Xue Tong thought for a moment, then pulled out her phone to find a number. “Then I’ll submit a report, have an Expert come and conduct a consultation for your entire unit…”

Lu Shimiao suddenly felt a bit scared. Whenever Xue Tong took out her phone, it meant she was serious. She quickly grabbed her hand. “Is it for me?”

Xue Tong patted Lu Shimiao’s hand, afraid of triggering her anxiety, and casually made up an excuse. “For cross-border policing friendly exchanges… Don’t overthink it.”

“But the exchange is already over.” Lu Shimiao didn’t believe her.

“Just the grassroots exchange is over. The police affairs aspect isn’t yet.” Xue Tong had already found the number. She waved her phone at Lu Shimiao, then walked out the door.

–

“That’s how it is, then, Director Chen. I’ll write up the application and submit it to the Foreign Affairs Office… Coordinate it as soon as possible.”

Hanging up the phone, Xue Tong let out a sigh. She turned her head to look towards the floor-to-ceiling window. Lu Shimiao was standing in front of the kitchen island, having swept up all the sandwiches Xue Tong had made, and was now obediently washing the plate.

Xue Tong lowered her gaze. She recalled what the psychological expert had said on the phone: “Arsit, I think whether she has anxiety needs to be determined by a doctor.”

Back during the exchange in Hong Kong, when Lu Shimiao participated in a counter-terrorism drill, she had been hit by a training round.

Although Lu Shimiao was wearing a bulletproof vest at the time and was only struck in the chest by the training round, as the “sacrificed” party in the drill, Police Academy regulations forced Lu Shimiao to undergo a psychological evaluation test.

Later, Xue Tong obtained that test.

The results showed Lu Shimiao suffered from: Moderate Anxiety Disorder.

Anxiety, this thing within the human body, is very elusive.

Any person will experience anxiety symptoms under certain specific circumstances. It’s impossible to determine when it might suddenly flare up, and it doesn’t affect a person’s actual life span.

But if left unchecked for too long, anxiety disorders can cripple a person’s psyche.

Xue Tong had it too. Hers was PTSD, the most severe form of anxiety disorder.

Flashbacks in post-disaster dreams and stress reactions triggered by the recurrence of past events were the two most obvious symptoms. But this condition had lessened year by year as she aged. What couldn’t be avoided was that without timely intervention from a psychologist, she was completely unable to control it.

Four years had passed, and Xue Tong had thought her psychological issues had been resolved. After all, before joining the police force, one had to pass a psychological evaluation for the police exam.

She just hadn’t expected that this evaluation exam was nothing more than a formality.

Logically, people’s police officers should receive corresponding psychological compensation after performing their duties. It was just that Chinese people didn’t pay much attention to psychological issues, often neglecting this area.

The work of the Serious Crime Unit was not easy. Ranging from anti-corruption, anti-gang, special campaigns, murder, and arson, down to assault, stabbings, hooliganism, and molestation… the guilt society exposed, the dark side of human nature—criminal police saw it the most. What the media reported to the public was merely the tip of the iceberg.

So if one relied solely on a police officer’s conscious resistance, on psychological self-regulation… it was fundamentally impossible to remain completely unperturbed.

Not to mention Lu Shimiao, even Xue Tong herself couldn’t do it.

The reason Hong Kong police’s “Stress Management” was systemized was precisely because there were many street shootouts in the early years. Some officers developed PTSD after firing their weapons without psychological counseling. After multiple incidents, their conditions worsened, leading to suicide.

With too many such examples, the Hong Kong Police Force was condemned by the citizens, thus the Psychological Assessment Center was established.

Whenever a Hong Kong police officer is stimulated or impacted by stress in the line of duty—such as firing a weapon, injuring someone, or being in a dangerous situation without being harmed—they must consult a psychologist afterward to confirm their psychological normality.

An officer needs to obtain a psychological evaluation report before they can safely return to their post. Moreover, they must only continue to carry a firearm after meeting the post-incident stress state and high adaptive balance; otherwise, their firearm license is revoked.

Xue Tong recalled how Lu Shimiao had cried in the car until she lost her hearing, losing control in front of her. The subtle changes in her expression at the fire scene, and the way her shoulders slumped when she wanted to escape… Lu Shimiao’s condition probably hadn’t improved at all.

“I’m off to work.” Lu Shimiao only held her car keys.

“Okay.” Xue Tong nodded. “Be safe.”

“Mm….” Lu Shimiao walked to the door, then turned her head back to look at Xue Tong. “I will think about it carefully. I just need some time.”

“Okay.” Xue Tong nodded. “No rush.”

“It’s a bit urgent for me.” Lu Shimiao lowered her head, her shoulders slumping again. She fiddled with the car keys in her hand. “You’re right, it really is my problem.”

“I’m too fond of escaping. No matter what I’m facing, I probably can’t give a direct answer right away.”

Xue Tong frowned. She subconsciously felt Lu Shimiao was about to run away again and opened her mouth, “Actually, you don’t need to be this quick—”

“I think maybe I have learned helplessness… or maybe it’s psychological positive punishment… My criminal psychology grades were also very good.”

“I actually didn’t sleep last night… I thought about a lot. I know I might be troubled by something. Maybe not the case, but something I haven’t wanted to face for a long time.” Officer Lu rambled on.

“I know you just called Director Chen for me. I’m not stupid, Xue Tong. Take me to see a doctor. I want to take a step forward.” Lu Shimiao didn’t dare look at Xue Tong, her voice growing softer and softer…

Lu Shimiao’s ability for self-reflection and self-learning was too strong, so much so that Xue Tong was stunned into silence. She silently walked up to her and reached out to embrace Officer Lu’s helpless shoulders.

“Did I put pressure on you last night?”

Lu Shimiao hugged Xue Tong back and said weakly, “Will you take me to a doctor, please? Just after this serious case is over. I don’t want to see one in the unit, because I have many questions I want to ask the doctor, and it’s not convenient to ask in the unit.”

“Okay.” Xue Tong took a deep breath, then rested her head on Lu Shimiao’s shoulder, her hand stroking her back gently. “What do you want to ask?”

“Not telling you. I only want to ask the doctor.” Lu Shimiao glanced at her wristwatch. “Time’s running out, I need to go to work.”

“Then wait for me. Before the serious case ends, you can’t leave.” Lu Shimiao walked out the door and waved to Xue Tong.

“Okay, be safe.”