Chapter 64p2: A Long Letter
Plop—
Plop—
Tears gradually fell on the paper, blurring the handwriting. Jiang Zao hurriedly wiped them with her fingers, but she couldn’t wipe them clean. Until she felt that there was still something in the cover.
Jiang Zao pulled it out and saw that it was a long letter.
“Zao’er, when you see this letter, I may already be gone. Actually, I hesitated for a long time whether to write this letter to you, but I still feel that I should leave you something, besides that notebook.”
After packing her things that night, Jiang Wuni had sat quietly in her room for a long time. In the end, she still chose to take out a piece of letter paper, bent down, and took out the pair of reading glasses that Jiang Zao had given her and that she had been reluctant to wear from the bedside table.
She put them on for the last time, like a real intellectual, unscrewed the fountain pen, and wrote word by word.
“I want to tell you about my past. I, like you, was born in a poor and backward rural family, the fifth in rank, which is the origin of my name. I have two younger brothers below me.”
“To subsidize the family, my sisters and I went out to work very early. I have cut hair, repaired shoes, worked as a waitress in a restaurant, and also carried bricks, built houses, and built railways on construction sites. Although it was very tiring, it was actually my happiest time. I had money to earn and didn’t have to go home. At that time, it was not popular to have free love. It was all arranged by the parents. At the age of sixteen, I was married to Yuanxi Village under the arrangement of your great-grandmother and great-grandfather in exchange for fifty yuan and a bag of rice. Later, I learned that the fifty yuan had become my brother’s tuition to study in the county town. With that, my youth was over.”
“After I married your grandfather, life was not much different. I still had to work every day. The biggest difference was that the fists that had fallen on my mother now fell on me.”
“Besides your mother, I actually had two other children. One, when I was still pregnant, your grandfather came back drunk one night. Because I was heavily pregnant and didn’t get up in time to open the door for him, he beat me and I miscarried.”
“The other was the son that your grandfather had been longing for. But unfortunately, when he was just over a year old and was just learning to walk, he followed your grandfather to the fields. He got drunk and fell asleep in the fields. When he woke up, the child was gone.”
“I and the aunts in the village looked everywhere. It wasn’t until it was dark that we found his swollen and disfigured body in a dry toilet a few hundred meters from the fields with a flashlight.”
“Fortunately, your mother still survived. The year she was born, I was only in my early twenties. I didn’t know how to be a mother, but when I saw that man wanting to throw her into the latrine because she was a girl, I resisted him for the first time and cut his face with a hoe.”
“At that moment, my heart was incredibly light. I was glad that I had made that choice at that moment, just as your mother had made the same choice twenty years later.”
“Come to think of it, your mother did not grow up under my care for as long as you have been with me. She was just like another me, going out to work at a young age. When she was of use, she was sold by your grandfather to another mountain in exchange for the big color TV in our house.”
“After she died, I looked at your naive face, which was almost a carbon copy of hers, and I couldn’t bear to part with you. I knew that if I left you in that family, you would probably suffer the same tragedy as me and your mother, so I wanted to keep you, but I was strongly opposed by your grandfather.”
“That was the second time I resisted him. I was ready to fight him with a kitchen knife. He probably remembered the time I had cut his face with a hoe, so he tacitly allowed you to stay.”
In Jiang Wuni’s memory, this was the second time she had resisted the pressure of patriarchy and husband’s authority, but in Jiang Zao’s memory, it was not like this. There had been countless such moments.
When she was of school age, the family could not afford the tuition and fees. Her nominal grandfather would just smoke his pipe and say that a girl didn’t need to study, and that she wouldn’t be able to study anyway. It would be better to let her work with Jiang Wuni, and when she was in her teens, she could find a good family and get married.
That day, Jiang Wuni was furious and even overturned the dinner table. Jiang Zao had never seen her so angry. She pointed at her grandfather’s nose and cursed, “You’ve ruined my life, and you’re not satisfied with ruining Ni’er’s life, and you’re not even going to spare Zao’er?! As long as I’m in this family for one day, no one will touch her! I will send her to school even if I have to sell everything I have!”
And later, Jiang Wuni had sold the old ox that was used for plowing the fields, and had stayed up countless nights making insoles until her eyes were red, and then she had taken her hand and sent her to school.
She would always squat down and tidy up her red scarf.
“Zao’er, you must study hard and become a successful person in the future. Don’t be like me and your mother, do you hear me?”
Jiang Zao grew taller year by year, like a branch that was growing in the wind. She was slowly taller than her.
But Jiang Wuni’s back gradually became stooped. The hard work year after year had caused her to suffer from lumbar spondylosis, and it became difficult to squat and bend down.
She would always buy the chickens, ducks, and geese for the family early in the spring, and by the next spring, they had become the heavy tuition in her pocket.
Jiang Wuni had also stood on the small path at the entrance of the village countless times, waiting for her to come home from school, or sending her off on a long journey. But at that time, Jiang Zao’s heart was full of the desire to leave the mountains as soon as possible.
To jump out of this cycle of suffering and never come back.
She had never, not once, looked back.
It wasn’t until now, when she had a sudden realization and wanted to turn back, that she found that after a long journey, the old friend was gone forever. [1]
The person in the letter was still writing.
But the person outside the letter was already in tears.
“And so, I named you Jiang Zao, hoping that you would be like the jujube tree in front of our house, cold-resistant, drought-resistant, and the fruit it bears is extremely sweet. On the day I went to the county town to register your household, the person who received me at the police station window was a female police officer.”
“I have always remembered her deeply.”
“She looked at the note that I had asked the teacher in the village to write, smiled, and then wrote another character for me.”
“A girl should be called Jiang Zao. Zao is the morning sun, the time when the sun has just risen in a day. I hope that in the future, she can be as bright as today’s sunshine and grow up vigorously.”
“I didn’t understand what she meant, but I also thought this character was very good, so I nodded. And so, Zao was the first character I learned, but I later got used to calling you by your nickname, Zao’er.”
“I’ve told you so much, but I just want you to forgive me, to forgive me for becoming bad-tempered, irritable, unreasonable, and sarcastic in the day-to-day grind of life, to forgive me for not knowing how to get along with a child, for not being good enough to you when you were a child, for making you suffer so much, which led to your resistance to coming home as an adult.”
Jiang Zao remembered that before every New Year’s Eve when she was away from home for school and work, she would always receive a call from Jiang Wuni.
“Zao’er, are you coming home for the New Year this year?”
On the other end of the phone, she would ask so eagerly, but without exception, she would get a negative answer.
She had never, never gone home to reunite with her on New Year’s Eve. Never, never.
“When the apocalypse came, I actually felt a glimmer of relief. I could finally see my Zao’er, and I could finally spend a reunion year with her. This family has you, Little Zhao, and Little Mi and Kele. Although life has been hard these past few years, it has been the happiest time of my life.”
“You, Little Zhao, and Little Mi have also given me a lot of support and strength. If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t have been able to hold on until now. That time when we eliminated the zombies in the village, you said we were a team and that we couldn’t do without anyone. I was actually so happy in my heart.”
“This is the first time in my life that I have been affirmed like this. It turns out that the feeling of being affirmed and trusted is so good.”
“Zao’er, despite the many hardships in life, I never regret bringing you home. I am very happy to be your grandmother.”
“I don’t know if I can meet you in my next life, but you will always be the person I love the most and the child I am most proud of.”
On the slightly yellowed pages, there were also a few dried tear stains. Jiang Zao trembled and whimpered from her throat.
Jiang Wuni continued to write:
“From the day the disaster struck, I knew that this day would come. I just couldn’t bear to part with my Zao’er, so I have lived on for so long. If it really comes to the time when I have to leave—”
“Please don’t be sad.”
“I know you are so strong and won’t be able to accept this fact for a while. But no matter what, please live on well. At any time and in any situation, never give up hope.”
“Hope is like a seed. As long as it is buried in your heart, it will one day grow into a lush, towering tree.”
“If you can, go back to Yuanxi Village for me and take a look. The wheat has just been planted and has not yet sprouted.”
Reading this, Jiang Zao was already trembling, and tears were falling, wetting the letter paper. But Jiang Wuni had mischievously drawn a smiley face on the paper.
“By the way, last time you and Little Zhao set off to climb Chongming Snow Mountain, I was idle at home and was sorting through the books in the attic. I read a small poem that I really liked and wanted to share with you.”
“My Zao’er probably hasn’t had the leisure to sit down and read a book in a long time.”
—
“My dear, please do not weep at my grave”
“I am not there, I am not asleep”
“I am the surging long wind, a thousand threads”
“I am the diamond on the snow, shining brightly”
“I am the warm sunshine, embracing the rice grains”
“I am the autumn drizzle, nourishing the earth”
“When you wake up in the morning, I am the morning mist rising outside the window”
“On the night when the birds are quietly circling”
“I am the gentle, bright stars”
“Please do not weep at my grave”
“I am not there, I have not left.” [2]
Jiang Maizi left.
From the initial tears to the uncontrollable sobbing and then to the soft whimpers, Jiang Zao’s body trembled, on the verge of collapsing.
Wen Zhao patted her head and pressed it against her own chest.
“If you want to cry, then cry. There are no zombies around here.”
Jiang Zao gripped the clothes on her chest tightly until her knuckles turned white. Hearing these words, she finally couldn’t hold back any longer and burst into loud sobs.
Wen Zhao held her tightly, as if to melt her into her own bones and blood.
Unknowingly, her face was also covered in tears.
The mournful cries traveled far in the forest.
The river rushed on, flowing to the horizon.
Jiang Zao didn’t know how she fell asleep that night. Maybe she had cried herself to sleep, or maybe she had a high fever and fell asleep in a daze.
When she opened her eyes, she heard the chirping of birds outside the window. So, she pushed open the window, and a beautiful long-tailed swallow stood on the windowsill, its round, dark eyes staring at her.
Jiang Zao chuckled and reached out her hand.
“Jiang Maizi, have you come back to see me?”
The little bird flew onto her finger. Instead of a light peck, it was more like a kiss on her palm. Then it flapped its wings and flew towards the sky, circling for a long time before finally disappearing into the sea of forests and snow.
Jiang Zao slowly lowered her smile, and her eyes turned red.
Wen Zhao, who was behind her, heard the noise and also sat up.
“Little Zao, your hair…”
“What’s wrong?”
Jiang Zao turned her head. Seeing her shocked and heartbroken expression, she took a strand of her hair and looked at it. “It’s… turned white…”
Her originally thick, black hair had all turned white overnight. Against her pale, paper-like face, it added a touch of sickly fragility.
“I remember… I remember you used to love to wear braids… and you insisted on washing your hair with soap nuts even when you ran out of shampoo…”
Before she could speak, Wen Zhao had already clenched her fists and lowered her head, and tears were falling on the bed board.
Jiang Zao reached out and gently hugged her, letting her silver hair fall.
“Then will you braid it for me in the future?”
“Alright.”
“Now that I’ve become like this, will you not like me anymore?”
Wen Zhao stared at her face, gently wiped the tear stains from the corners of her eyes, and tucked the stray strands of hair by her cheek behind her ear.
“No. You’re as beautiful as before. No, you’re even more beautiful than before.”
Jiang Zao looked at the red fingerprints on her face and also gently caressed her cheek. “Does it still hurt?”
Wen Zhao shook her head, took her hand, and placed it in her palm. “I’ll be with you from now on. I’m also your family.”
Jiang Zao’s eyes were red. She pecked her soft lips.
“Then it’s a deal. We’ll always be together. No one is allowed to leave first.”
A smile finally appeared on Wen Zhao’s face for the first time since she had left Yuanxi Village. She slowly bent down in the morning light and kissed the corner of her lips.
“Alright. If I lie to you, I’m a puppy.”
The snow outside had also stopped, and they should be on their way.
Wen Zhao packed her backpack, picked up Little Mi, and wrapped her in thick clothes. Jiang Zao pushed open the door and looked at the vast expanse of snow.
“Where should we go?”
Wen Zhao looked back at Little Mi. She was still closing her eyes tightly, completely unaware of Jiang Wuni and Kele’s departure. But at this moment, the one who was unaware was the happiest.
“I don’t know. But… don’t stop. As long as you keep moving forward, there will always be hope.”
Translator’s Notes
[1] “The moon is so beautiful tonight.” (今晚的月色真美。) – This is a famous and subtle way to say “I love you” in Japanese, attributed to the writer Natsume Sōseki. In Japanese, the phrases for “the moon is beautiful” (月が綺麗ですね, tsuki ga kirei desu ne) and “I love you” sound very similar. It has become a well-known romantic trope in East Asian culture.
[2] “My dear, please do not weep at my grave…” (亲爱的 请不要在我的墓前哭泣…) – This is a Chinese translation of the famous poem “Do not stand at my grave and weep” by Mary Elizabeth Frye. It’s a comforting poem about the spirit living on in nature after death.
