Chapter 56: What Do You Want to Exchange from Me This Time? Part 4

Mu Shanyi stood silently. The nonchalant facade she’d been building in front of others during this time was crumbling.

All the questions pointed to the same answer.

—Admit she was special, promise not to leave even after the engagement, spend all free time with her… Miao Zhu didn’t know why? But Miao Zhu knew.

Mu Shanyi hummed: “You wanted to see me today just to say all this? Don’t you know the reason? What do you want to hear from me?”

Her flat tone erected an invisible barrier between them. Only then did Miao Zhu realize something was wrong. Did Mu Shanyi think she was asking questions she already knew the answers to, just to trample on her true feelings and embarrass her on purpose?

“No, no, Sister A-Heng. Your answer means a lot to me, but I didn’t come to you today for that. I…” Miao Zhu had cried too many times for Mu Shanyi; all her energy was nearly drained. Facing Mu Shanyi’s misunderstanding now, she panicked and grew anxious. Combined with the medication’s sedative effect, she felt worse and worse.

She lifted her chin, regulating her breathing to say the words she most wanted Mu Shanyi to hear: “I’ve liked you from the very beginning. I minded Xiao Hui, minded Zheng Simiao, minded that you had no possessiveness toward me… Every moment you loved me, Sister A-Heng, my heart stirred for you too.”

Mu Shanyi stood just a step away, neither approaching nor retreating. She was so calm, as if she hadn’t heard the confession.

“Miao Zhu.” She still used that name, her throat bobbing slightly. “What do you want to exchange from me this time?”

“…I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Miao Zhu’s heart shattered. She quickly stepped down from the sofa and reached out to hug Mu Shanyi.

She’d imagined Mu Shanyi accepting her, imagined her rejecting her—but she’d never imagined this possibility: that she’d hurt Mu Shanyi so deeply that now, even saying she loved her, Mu Shanyi suspected it was another round of “each taking what they need.”

This mode of interaction over the past few weeks might not have been for Miao Zhu’s sake, but for Mu Shanyi’s own.

It was Mu Shanyi’s safety distance to protect herself from further hurt.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I didn’t cherish you.” Tears poured from Miao Zhu fiercely and urgently. Her trembling fingertips patted Mu Shanyi’s back, trying her utmost to comfort and warm her. “I don’t need anything more from you now, Sister A-Heng. What you’ve given me is already more than enough.”

Mu Shanyi’s eyes gradually reddened, tears pooling at the bottom. “Are you pitying me?”

“I’m loving you.” A suppressed sob escaped Miao Zhu’s throat, but she quickly held it back and deepened the embrace. “If getting close to me hurts you, then stay where you are—I’ll slowly come to you. If your world is easier without me… it’s okay, Sister A-Heng. It’s okay if you don’t love me.”

Mu Shanyi let Miao Zhu hold her. After a while, she said blankly, “I don’t know.”

Tonight was destined to have no resolution.

Miao Zhu cried until she was exhausted, and the medication made her too drowsy to keep her eyes open. The moment she touched the bed, she fell into a deep sleep.

Mu Shanyi turned off the bedroom light for her, closed the bedroom door, crossed the narrow living room, and before leaving, glanced at the clock on the side cabinet.

It wasn’t past midnight yet. Her birthday hadn’t ended.

Mu Shanyi changed direction and walked to the dining table.

No wonder she hadn’t asked Ye Yi to come take care of her today. She looked at the cake Miao Zhu had made by hand.

Miao Zhu ate obediently, starting from the edges and scraping bit by bit. She hadn’t eaten much either; such a big cake had only a small notch dug out.

On the pink cream were some crooked, scribbled lines. Miao Zhu wasn’t good at drawing, so the lines were abstract. Once the cream melted, they smeared together, making it even harder to tell what they depicted.

It really wasn’t pretty.

The brown one looked like a cello, the white flower with a green stem was a tulip. The rest, Mu Shanyi guessed, were snowflakes, a Peace Amulet, a milk cup…

Beside the cake, in a dish, was a burned birthday candle. Even though she’d been absent, Miao Zhu had still celebrated her birthday.

Sometimes Mu Shanyi missed the version of herself before being with Miao Zhu.

Back then, Mu Shanyi was busy with work; love was just an optional part of life for her. She occasionally paid attention to Miao Zhu—Miao Zhu didn’t need to know or respond. Her world could function without Miao Zhu.

After being with Miao Zhu…

Mu Shanyi sat in the chair and picked up the spoon beside the cake.

If time rewound to half a year ago, would she make the same choice?

Could she try again with Miao Zhu?

Winter sunrises came late, but even so, Miao Zhu missed the first rays shining in from the window. As time passed, the neighborhood below grew lively, and the small room brightened.

Miao Zhu slept soundly until the alarm rang. She groggily turned it off.

“Are you awake?” A knock came with a familiar voice. “Can I come in?”

This was… Miao Zhu jolted awake. Mu Shanyi!?

What time was it now?

Her phone showed 8:30 a.m. Why was Mu Shanyi outside her bedroom at this hour? She hadn’t given Mu Shanyi the door code… Mu Shanyi hadn’t gone home last night?

“Sister A-Heng!” Miao Zhu sat up abruptly and locked eyes with Mu Shanyi, who pushed the door open and entered.