Chapter 22: 22. She Could Feel Herself Being Held Part 1

— What’s making you so sad?

With this familiar phrase, memories rushed back to a long, long time ago, to the last time Yu Qinjiu had said this to her.

Ji Qingyou vaguely remembered it was the Friday night of the first week of the 2012 re-release of “Titanic.”

After school, many people had come to the house. Grandfather, Grandmother, two of their favored students, and a few of Qin Bailan’s colleagues… a group of prominent figures in the domestic medical field, their names often appearing in the countless books on the study shelves.

Ji Qingyou was exceptionally quiet. But that didn’t mean the dinner table topics, filled with academic exchange and future plans, wouldn’t shift from the excellent performance of Qin Shuangchi, who was interning at the hospital, to Ji Qingyou, who was about to face her college entrance exams.

She had never liked handling such occasions, and she always kept silent during these conversations. Furthermore, in the last monthly exam, her grades had shown a slight downward trend, and she hadn’t managed to keep her place as top of the grade.

So when someone asked about Ji Qingyou’s grades and, upon hearing the answer, let out a pitying “tsk” and said, “I remember your sister was always top of the grade in high school,” followed by, “Why aren’t you more like your sister?”…

A feeling of suffocation rising from her heart reached its peak.

Even though Qin Bailan had explained that she had missed a week of school due to the flu, Grandfather still frowned almost imperceptibly. Although he didn’t speak earlier, the glance he shot her was cold and distant. “You can do whatever you want. You don’t have to study medicine.”

The atmosphere at the table was sharply divided by this statement. It was practically a comforting thing to say, but it carried no comfort at all.

Grandmother smiled politely. “Of course, if Little You wants to study medicine, we will naturally provide whatever help we can.”

We, help… it sounded like a set of words that drew a clear boundary.

Qin Bailan poured a glass of milk for Ji Qingyou. She didn’t look at anyone at the table. “She doesn’t need anyone’s help.”

She put special emphasis on the word “help,” as if emphasizing something.

Grandfather snorted coldly. “Good, that’s best.”

The topic at the table no longer lingered on her. The loud conversations continued, but they didn’t dissipate. She silently looked at the empty seat beside her. Qin Shuangchi wasn’t there, so she sat alone with the guests on one side of the table.

It was like a clear line separating her from the Qin family.

Those with the surname Qin sat on one side.

She was surnamed Ji, naturally placed on the guests’ side.

Ji Qingyou’s hand holding the cutlery paused for a few seconds. A sudden wave of nausea hit her. The uncontrollable feeling made her unable to finish her meal. She only politely said, “I’m done,” and left the table reserved for adults.

Qin Bailan called out to her. “You haven’t finished your milk yet?”

Ji Qingyou turned back, her eyes lowered. “There was a bug in it.”

After saying that, she ignored the reactions of the others, politely said her goodbyes, and closed the door gently as she heard the sound of the water glass being placed back on the table.

Actually, there was no bug in that glass of milk. Perhaps she still couldn’t tell whose side Qin Bailan was on back then, and so she had turned her own thorns towards her.

Ji Qingyou understood that this was just adult socializing. In reality, whether her grades were good or not, whether she became a doctor or not, had nothing to do with those people. It was just fodder for their dinner table conversation.

But that didn’t stop her from feeling frustrated, as if she had been forced to swallow a fish that hadn’t been scaled. Even though she spat it out in time, the fishy taste lingered in her throat for a long time.

Or perhaps she was that fish, raised in a tank for people to look at.

So she ran away. But she wandered aimlessly through the busy traffic, with nowhere to go. In the end, she could only sit alone on the roadside bench outside the residential complex, gasping for air.

“Patter patter—”

The rustling sound interrupted her thoughts. She looked up and met a pair of clear eyes, shimmering with watery light under the pale blue streetlight.

Before she was eighteen, Ji Qingyou had always felt she was the only one raised in a fish tank.

But later she learned that the fish tank that seemed to raise her was clearly defined but easy to break. The fish tank that seemed to raise Yu Qinjiu didn’t seem to exist, but it was just magnified a thousand times. When it touched its boundaries, it easily shattered the world inside the tank.

Every time Ji Qingyou thought of this scene, she felt they were like two fish gazing at each other across a glass tank, the shimmering golden surface of the water separating them from all reality, making the light in Yu Qinjiu’s eyes especially clear.

As if she were the only concrete thing in this illusory world.

Yu Qinjiu had a lollipop in her mouth. She pulled another one out of her pocket, tore off the wrapper, and put it into Ji Qingyou’s mouth, uttering that sentence.

“Little sickly kid, why aren’t you happy?”

It took Ji Qingyou a few seconds to react. Her mouth was already filled with the familiar strawberry scent, sweet, milky, and soft, perfectly coating her taste buds and removing the fishy taste from her throat.

She shook her head. She didn’t think she was unhappy about these things that she was used to.

“I’m not unhappy.”

“I’m not unhappy.” Yu Qinjiu said the same words simultaneously with her. Seeing her stunned reaction, she tilted her chin slightly, her eyes curving into beautiful crescent moons. “I knew you were going to say that.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t reply. It seemed like this sweet lollipop had already filled the space in her mouth.

“Come on.” Yu Qinjiu suddenly stood up. Her hair was a bit messy from the wind. The bow on the ribbon tied at the back of her head was gently lifted by the wind, like a free and unrestrained butterfly.

Ji Qingyou was startled. “Where to?”

Yu Qinjiu grabbed her wrist as she stood up, smiling brightly. “Taking you to have fun. When you’re unhappy, you should waste some time.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t understand, but she still followed. “Didn’t you go straight to your grandma’s after school? Why are you back?”

The wind had picked up, carrying the dancing white plane tree fluff everywhere. Yu Qinjiu held her hand, letting the unruly fluff drift into the gap between them, hiding in some corner before being pulled out much later, becoming a symbol wrapped in time.

“I heard from my brother that Sister Qin didn’t come home today, leaving you to deal with those adults…” She thought for a moment, a slight frown on her brow. “I was a bit worried.”

Just like when she was seven, Yu Qinjiu had come back from her grandma’s house to help her chase away the kids who were bullying her, calling her a mute, calling her a robot.

This time, Yu Qinjiu took her to see the 3D version of “Titanic.” According to Yu Qinjiu’s logic, it was like fighting poison with poison.

But Ji Qingyou couldn’t fight poison with poison.

Instead, Yu Qinjiu cried until her nose was red and her eyes hurt.

And Ji Qingyou, worried that Yu Qinjiu would get too emotional and have another episode, pushed all the unpleasant words to the back of her mind, focusing all her attention on Yu Qinjiu.

After the movie, it was nearly ten o’clock. The city’s neon lights began to show. The colorful car lights were swaying. From a height, the whole city looked like it was lit by countless miniature moons.

Yu Qinjiu seemed to be really “poisoned” by “Titanic.” As she walked, she would suddenly spread her arms, letting the night wind brush her slender, soft body. Her slightly wavy hair swirled around her soft, long neck.

The streetlights seemed to become flowing light, sliding past her reddened eyes and the dancing butterfly ribbon on her head.

She looked like Rose standing on the bow of the ship, letting the wind blow.

Bright and vivid, passionate and wild.

Ji Qingyou stood slightly lower, watching her. She saw Yu Qinjiu’s foot had already touched the edge of the step. Before she could say anything, Yu Qinjiu was blown down by the wind the next second, falling lightly into her arms.

A strong wind blew through their intertwined bodies. Through that invisible layer of glass, it slammed Yu Qinjiu’s unique, beautiful, and wild brightness right into Ji Qingyou’s chest.

In her memory, this hug lasted for quite some time.

So long that Yu Qinjiu could barely stand. But she didn’t let go; she just hugged her tighter, using more force. Her soft voice seemed mixed with wind and rain.

“My little robot, don’t be unhappy anymore.”

~ ~ ~

Years later.

Ji Qingyou could still recall a famous line from that movie—Jack said that winning that ticket was the luckiest thing in his life.

For Ji Qingyou.

It was probably that, before eating that strawberry cream cake at age five, she had clasped her hands together, counted down three seconds, and made that wish. It was the luckiest thing in her life.

It’s hard for a five-year-old to make a grand, sweeping birthday wish.

So, looking at the excited Yu Qinjiu, she had made the wish:

Next time they ate cake together, it would be Yu Qinjiu’s favorite flavor.

From the age of five, Ji Qingyou adhered to the principle of “fairness, give and take.” Since she had eaten her favorite strawberry cake once, next time it should be Yu Qinjiu’s favorite flavor.

Later, this also became the guideline for her friendship with Yu Qinjiu.

The five-year-old’s wish was easily fulfilled. The next year at Yu Qinjiu’s birthday party, wearing a dress Qin Bailan had carefully prepared for her, sitting on Qin Shuangchi’s lap, she ate a strawberry-flavored cake without cream.

So Yu Qinjiu also liked strawberry flavor.

This was the most surprising thing for the six-year-old Ji Qingyou. But she didn’t say it. She didn’t tell anyone. The shared love for strawberry flavor brought her and Yu Qinjiu closer, making them inseparable best friends.

Until she was nineteen years old, Ji Qingyou ate a strawberry cream cake again.

In the ten years that followed, she never ate anything strawberry-flavored again.

Hearing the familiar nickname “my little robot” again, Ji Qingyou couldn’t help but flutter her eyelashes slightly. The fingers gently touched by Yu Qinjiu also moved slightly.

“I think I might be a little sad.” She no longer pretended to be strong, but when facing her own emotions, she still had to use vague words like “might be.”

Yu Qinjiu looked at her. After a moment, she spoke, her voice soft and warm. “Can you tell me why?”

“…Ji Qingyou was silent for a few seconds, then leaned back slightly. Her exhaled breath formed a white cloud that blurred her vision. “I met Li Nanli today.”

Yu Qinjiu was a bit surprised, as if remembering something. The pressure in her fingers involuntarily increased. “It’s been so long since graduation, I haven’t contacted her. I don’t know what she’s doing now. How did you—”

She stopped abruptly.

Her breath caught. Yu Qinjiu seemed to just then realize something. Her fingers tightened. After a long moment, she asked tentatively, “At the hospital?”

“Yeah.” Ji Qingyou lowered her head. “She was the patient I admitted today.”

Ji Qingyou’s reaction made it clear that Li Nanli’s condition wasn’t simple. Yu Qinjiu was silent for a moment. “I’ll find some time in the next few days to go see her.”

Ji Qingyou swallowed hard and said “okay.” Then she took out her phone and said softly, “Do you need her contact info? I can give it to you.”

Yu Qinjiu stared at her seemingly calm expression for a moment before nodding. After Ji Qingyou sent the contact info to her on WeChat, she spoke again.

“Ji Qingyou, are you scared?”

Ji Qingyou was stunned. She thought she wasn’t pretending anymore. But when Yu Qinjiu pointed it out, she realized she wasn’t just sad; she was also very scared.

Before becoming a doctor.

She had never imagined that when the professional identity of “doctor” was upon her, she would constantly need to thin the membrane separating her from the world to feel close relationships with people, while also needing to hide more emotions, maintaining reason and calm in many moments of fear and helplessness.

In the past, she had always held enough calm in these moments.

So many people would mention when evaluating her that Ji Qingyou was indeed born to be a doctor, conveniently ignoring the emotions she should have had.

Even she herself could easily ignore her own emotions.