Chapter 22: 22. She Could Feel Herself Being Held Part 2

She tried to treat Li Nanli as just another inpatient under her care. She tried to put herself back into the perspective and identity of a “doctor.” Because textbooks didn’t teach her how to handle a former close friend becoming her patient.

But at the very least, she shouldn’t be scared.

Yu Qinjiu’s appearance effortlessly shattered her facade. She didn’t know if this was a good thing or a bad one.

Because it would give birth to inexplicable thoughts.

Making her think uncontrollably: If only she could keep Yu Qinjiu by her side.

Even now, she was having a dependent and absurd wish. If only Yu Qinjiu would never let go of her hand. If only, when facing Li Nanli, who had become her patient, Yu Qinjiu could also hold her hand.

Ji Qingyou didn’t respond for a long time.

Yu Qinjiu looked at her, her voice very soft. “Sometimes I worry about you. Because you always hide yourself away, don’t show your feelings. I know you don’t want to seem fragile, and I understand. But in front of me, you can be fragile.”

“Can’t you?”

Faced with such a direct Yu Qinjiu, Ji Qingyou couldn’t say the words “No, I can’t.” In the cold wind, she lowered her eyes slightly, her voice a bit dry.

“She’s become very thin. Less than eighty jin. Her complexion is terrible. I bought her some fruit, but she took a few bites and threw up. Before I left work, I went to see her. She was alone in that hospital bed. There were other families around, people her age. She stared at them for a very, very long time. Then, when she saw me, she smiled at me again.”

“She didn’t ask me, ‘Will you save me?’ Just asked when I got off work, asked if you and I were still in touch, asked what fruit I should buy for her tomorrow…”

As she spoke, Ji Qingyou paused for a few seconds, her voice so light it seemed to be crushed. “She didn’t say anything, didn’t want to put that pressure on me. But the more she acted like that, the more she didn’t want to affect me, the more scared I became of making a mistake…”

Yu Qinjiu looked at her, silently grabbing her wrist. “You think you can’t show this fear? Otherwise, you’ll seem unprofessional?”

“No.” Ji Qingyou shook her head, the wind blowing her hair. “Because if I’m scared, she’ll be even more scared.”

“When you become a cancer patient, all power over life and death seems to be in the doctor’s hands. When that doctor is someone you know, it brings a certain sense of security, but it also makes you uncontrollably amplify your own fears a thousand times based on the doctor’s expressions and actions…”

“Although I’m not her lead surgeon, and her surgical outcome probably doesn’t depend on me, I am the person she knows best in this hospital. I’m the attending physician she has the most contact with. So I have to treat her like the most ordinary patient.”

Ji Qingyou spoke the words one by one, her fingertips slowly clenching until they were stiff and numb.

Yu Qinjiu still kept her hand on hers, transferring her body heat. She looked at her for a long time before speaking slowly. “I never realized being a doctor could be this hard. Not only do you face so many complex diseases and tedious tasks every day, but you also face unavoidable situations like this.”

“I’m not a doctor. I can’t help you in the hospital, can’t give you advice when you face these situations…” She paused, and when she looked into Ji Qingyou’s eyes, there was a new softness and compassion.

“But at least Dr. Ji can be scared in front of me. Anytime.”

She said Dr. Ji, not Ji Qingyou.

She could clearly distinguish the difference between these two forms of address.

Ji Qingyou found it hard to describe how she felt at that moment. It was like when she was seven, and Yu Qinjiu pinched her nose and told her not to cry. Or like when she was eighteen, after watching “Titanic,” Yu Qinjiu hugged her and said, “Don’t be unhappy.”

She saw a new change in the eyes of the twenty-eight-year-old Yu Qinjiu.

This change wrapped around Yu Qinjiu from the inside out. She was more mature, having shed the sticky childishness of the past, becoming a reliable and complex multi-faceted person.

“Okay.” Ji Qingyou said just one word.

This conversation seemed to have pierced the fear and unease inside her, allowing all the emotions Ji Qingyou had hidden behind thick glass to be released in a subtle way.

So showing emotions wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

This wasn’t Ji Qingyou’s first time facing something like this. But it forced her to admit one thing: in a way, Yu Qinjiu was truly her backbone.

In the days that followed, Yu Qinjiu was often at the hospital, appearing near the ward Ji Qingyou visited on her rounds for nearly four hours a day.

Yu Qinjiu came to visit Yu Zhijiu, who had finished her surgery but wasn’t discharged yet. She seemed to get along with this little girl who shared a similar name. She always brought gifts and played childish games like cat’s cradle with her. She even took photos of Yu Zhijiu making pouty faces with her Ultraman watch.

She came to accompany Li Nanli, who was about to go into surgery. Li Nanli was also excited about her arrival. Since Ji Qingyou couldn’t often chat with them, the two of them would talk about interesting things from high school. They often made the doctors on rounds listen in, learning that Ji Qingyou hadn’t originally wanted to be a doctor in high school, but suddenly had a change of heart and “resolutely” decided to become one. They also often shared a bowl of oden in the ward, making the kid in the next bed drool with envy.

Likewise, she came to see Ji Qingyou every day, smiling and calling her Dr. Ji. If Ji Xiruan answered, she would just get closer to Ji Qingyou, throw the strawberry lollipop she had bought on her desk, and solemnly call her Dr. Ji.

So Ji Qingyou’s desk was always full of strawberry-flavored Alps lollipops. Some colleagues guessed there was a connection between the Alps candy and the Alps wallpaper on her computer. Others thought it was nonsense, because there’s no relation between the candy and the mountain.

But in the tense atmosphere of the hospital, this topic was still the most discussed one among the general surgery staff during lunch. Even Tao Xingzi, who wasn’t much of a gossip, had gotten drawn into the gossip circle, even saying while chewing on her chopsticks that Miss Alps was really beautiful.

The “Three No Principle” was thus broken. Many people knew that a Lollipop Lady came to see her every day.

Ji Qingyou didn’t understand why Yu Qinjiu was spending her vacation this way. One day, she asked out of the blue, and the answer she got was: “Because I like it.”

A very Yu Qinjiu answer. She couldn’t argue with that.

Until Li Nanli’s surgery day arrived.

It was scheduled for the morning. Yu Qinjiu couldn’t make it because of other things. Li Nanli was a bit disappointed, but quickly pulled herself together, mentally preparing for the surgery.

On the morning before the surgery began.

Ji Qingyou sat in the courtyard for half an hour, eating three strawberry lollipops. She didn’t let them melt in her mouth as usual. Instead, she slowly and forcefully bit the hard candy, swallowing the crumbs.

As if this method of accumulation could give her some kind of support and strength.

Before the surgery began, she went to the ward early to see Li Nanli.

Li Nanli winked. “You know, from this angle, you kinda look like that movie star. What’s her name? Ah, I forgot.”

“Oh no, Ji Qingyou, will the anesthesia mess with my memory?”

Ji Qingyou looked down at her. “You haven’t been anesthetized yet.”

Li Nanli went, “Oh,” and shrank back. “So, does anesthesia affect memory?”

“Not once the body has metabolized it.” Ji Qingyou said calmly.

Li Nanli clicked her tongue. “You really are like a doctor.”

Ji Qingyou didn’t speak. She just silently stared at her.

Li Nanli tried her best to act relaxed. But just before she was about to enter the operating room, the hand gripping Ji Qingyou’s involuntarily tightened. Realizing this, she immediately let go, her voice trembling as she said, “Sorry.”

Ji Qingyou also tried her best to act as usual, repeating in her mind over and over: This is just an ordinary patient under my care.

Before making the incision, the lead surgeon, Dr. Ding, looked up at her. “I heard she’s your high school classmate?”

Ji Qingyou lowered her eyes, letting out a soft “Mm.”

Dr. Ding nodded, said nothing else, just raised his scalpel, trying to ease the tense atmosphere in the OR. “Then I better do a good job.”

Ji Qingyou said nothing, fixing her vision on the surgical field.

Time passed slowly.

Fine beads of sweat broke out. The continuous flow of blood obscured the surgical field. The blood loss was significant. The second assistant looked at her in panic. She reacted immediately from experience, clearing the field. Dr. Ding, wearing surgical gloves, paused slightly, gave her a brief glance, and said nothing.

Until the surgery was finished, the taut string in her mind didn’t loosen. She held on tight. When the sutures were finally done, one stitch at a time, and all the recorded data were normal.

She walked out of the operating room in a daze. Her back and the inside of her surgical cap were sticky with sweat. The moment she stepped out and saw the swaying daylight.

An illusion appeared. It was like a patch of blinding red appeared out of nowhere in her vision.

She numbly recalled the blood during the operation, the blood that had gushed out and covered her hands. It was Li Nanli’s blood. Once this feeling surfaced, it was impossible to shake off. It nearly drained her of all strength.

The hallway outside the OR was crowded with family.

Dr. Ding was explaining the surgical procedure and results to Li Nanli’s parents. Ji Qingyou briefly comforted them, not staying long. She stood silently in a corner, rubbing her wrist for a while.

Two minutes later, she turned around.

The corridor behind the OR had floor-to-ceiling windows on one side. Outside, the sunlight was a brilliant yellow, shining through the clear glass, emitting a hazy halo, like a dream.

Her vision gradually focused. Ji Qingyou dimly saw a figure. It was a woman wearing a cream coat, leaning against the window, looking down at her own shoes, her expression blank, lost in thought. Her slightly wavy, delicate long hair fell over a red and black plaid scarf. A few strands of off-white hair were woven in, faded but still strikingly bright.

Ji Qingyou’s steps slowed down.

As if sensing something, Yu Qinjiu looked up at that moment. She saw Ji Qingyou, drenched in sweat and panic. Their eyes met for a few seconds.

Then Yu Qinjiu’s expression became animated. She walked over through the winter sunlight, carrying a faint, delicate scent of rose and moisturizer. She stopped, her eyes curving into a smile.

“I heard Dr. Ji just said the surgery was a success.”

The red that the illusion had painted all vanished.

It was replaced by the lemony color of the sunlight.

Ji Qingyou’s fingers, resting on her own neck, stiffened for a moment. She slightly pursed her lips. All her panic and helplessness seemed to have found a landing point, all rushing to spill out in this instant.

She was dazed for a few seconds. Her arms fell naturally, her fingers curling. “It wasn’t that successful. There was heavy bleeding once, I—”

Before she could finish, the rose scent was closer.

Her empty chest was bumped by a soft, warm touch. Her waist was slowly encircled. The soft sensation fell into her arms.

The close distance, the clearly audible breathing, the heartbeats beginning to spread and accelerate. Her thoughts were a mess at that moment. She could feel herself being held.

Time seemed to freeze in that instant.

In the quiet corridor behind the OR, the lemony sunlight shone through the window, enveloping them like a cocoon of light meant only for the two of them, isolating them from all surroundings and people.

In that moment, no one could see them.

Yu Qinjiu held her, her chin gently resting in Ji Qingyou’s shoulder hollow. After transferring all her body heat, her fluffy, fragrant hair spilled over Ji Qingyou’s neck and shoulder.

It was actually a restrained hug, completely without any more intimate moves. It was just a hug between old friends, a hug to support and give strength to each other.

But Ji Qingyou was completely frozen in that instant. Her fingers involuntarily curled in the air.

Until Yu Qinjiu slightly tilted her head up, patted her shoulder very gently, and said softly, her pronunciation slow, yet carrying some of the muddled softness of her youth, that sentence.

“Good work, my Dr. Ji.”