Chapter 15 p2: Confession
The house was old and had a smell of decay and withering. The white paint on the walls was dry and peeling, and ugly cracks spread on the wall. A few old newspapers that were pasted on the wall had turned yellow, and the lead print was smudged with ink, making it impossible to see what date the newspapers were from.
Later, the cracks became more and more numerous, and a few old and worn-out newspapers were just a drop in the bucket, just like this crumbling home. The golden and jade-like exterior was just a baseless fantasy. It had long since rotted from the inside out.
The meeting between the woman and the man was just a cliché and boring story now. In this era of material scarcity, it was such an enviable romance.
The man’s family was rich, and he was a well-known playboy in the local area, smoking, drinking, playing cards, and fighting. But he was handsome… and had charmed countless young girls. The woman, on the other hand, was just a naive girl from a poor family who was devoted to her studies.
The man was captivated by the girl’s simplicity and tenacity at first glance. The man decided to wash his hands of his past for the woman and swore that he would never fool around again and would work hard to manage his life. A prodigal son’s return is more precious than gold. The woman was moved, and they fell in love just like that.
The woman got pregnant before marriage, and the man immediately held a wedding without a second thought. He welcomed the woman into his home with a grand procession and moved into a three-story small Western-style house. The woman suddenly became the object of envy and jealousy of the local girls. She had not yet turned from a chicken into a phoenix by studying, but she had already moved into a phoenix’s nest.
The woman gave up her studies for the family and thought that her future would be a life of domestic bliss, and she devoted herself to marriage.
But marriage was still the grave of most love. The man and the woman could not escape this fate. In the first year after the child was born, the man’s family fell into decline, and he was in a lot of debt. His father committed suicide, and the rest was for the son to pay.
The three-story small Western-style house, which had been the envy of countless people, was sold to pay off the debt. They had to pull some strings to move into this old house of only thirty or forty square meters with their one-year-old child.
All the beautiful fantasies before marriage had become bubbles. Their marriage was just a paper house based on the foundation of their parents’ money. It was torn with a single pull. The man knew nothing and was unwilling to do manual labor. He did not listen to the woman’s advice and took the remaining money to the casino. From then on, he never came out.
The man had lost his former glory, and his former brotherhood was worthless. The man was in debt and could not pay it back. His former good friends did not hold back at all. He was beaten and lay in bed for more than half a year, and he was left with a lot of health problems. From then on, he stayed at home and drank sullenly.
No matter how bad life was, it had to go on. The woman worked two shifts a day. She worked in a factory during the day and helped out at a barbecue stall at night. She would not come back until the middle of the night every day.
The child went to elementary school and had to cook for the man every day when she came back, setting out the dishes and pouring the wine. If anything was wrong, she would be beaten. The man had not hit the child at first, but later he was completely blinded by alcohol and would not even let the child go.
This home, which was supported by the woman’s early mornings and late nights, was like that wall full of cracks. A few old newspapers could no longer cover up this corrupt and rotten home.
The old electric fan was drooping its head and turning at the lowest speed, half-dead. The poor-quality incandescent light was hanging from the ceiling with a long and thin electric wire with a broken rubber skin, swaying slowly with the wind. The light and shadow were swaying, and the dim and gloomy light cast a small and thin shadow on the rough ground.
Su Xi gritted her teeth, her delicate eyebrows furrowed into a line. A cotton swab was dipped in some pungent medicine and applied to the wound on her calf. Her slender and fair calf, which was always wrapped in cloth, was now exposed. The wound on her skin looked ferocious and ugly. It was getting hotter and hotter these past few days, and the wound was not scabbing over. It seemed to be getting worse and was starting to get infected.
She endured the pain. The pain of the purple-red medicine coming into contact with the wound was transmitted from her nerves to her brain very quickly. A few muffled whimpers escaped her tightly pursed lips.
Her tolerance for pain was very strong. She quickly swallowed the cry of pain that was stuck in her throat. She stared blankly at the scar that was covered with the purple-red medicine and suddenly felt that it was not so ugly. She showed a faint but happy smile, and her eyes curved, like a crescent moon hanging in the sky.
At home, she could of course take off that stuffy autumn school uniform. But the woman had seriously told her not to wear too little at home. So she could only wear a large T-shirt and capri pants that reached her calves. But that was enough for her to breathe a sigh of relief.
Su Xi stood in front of the bronze-yellow full-length mirror, which had some cracks. Her small hands were tightly gripping the corners of her clothes. Her small feet were on the ground, and her toes were curled up. Her ankles were used to support her whole body, and her slender calves were tensed into an exquisite and beautiful curve.
She closed her eyes and twirled around, imagining the blue-dotted, lace-trimmed hem of her skirt swaying and dancing in the breeze. She couldn’t help but smile. The orange-yellow bronze mirror was not as clear as an ordinary mirror and could blur many small details. Her lips were no longer pale, and the freckles and acne scars that had been caused by malnutrition and endocrine disorders since she was a child had also disappeared. The her in the mirror suddenly looked much prettier.
She took a few steps forward, her fingertips gently caressing the lively girl in the mirror. Her gentle gaze slowly fell on the scars that were carved on her milky white skin. They were ugly and ferocious, stubbornly occupying this thin and pitiful body, wanting to drag her into a dark abyss.
But unfortunately… she had already met her light. As long as her heart was set on the light, she would never be buried in darkness.
Zhiyan… she murmured, fine beads of sweat on her palms. Every cell in her body was calling for the boy’s scent, like a drowning fish craving a lake.
The boy held her in his arms, his warm chest like a wall that trapped her in a narrow corner, strong and unyielding. The other party seemed to have become her whole world, and she had no way to escape.
At that moment, they were very close, so close that she could smell the other party’s fresh and dry, sunny scent. It was like being on a boundless grassland, the breeze gently brushing against her cheeks, the sun rolling over the grass. The sun, with the warm fragrance of the grass, lingered at the tip of her nose. Her sense of smell did not struggle for a moment and defected to become the other party’s captive, greedily plundering the boy’s scent.
The other party looked down at her, his clear and gentle eyes filled with concern for her. But she was as if she had been struck by a bolt of lightning. The boy’s bright gaze fell into her dark eyes, and he mercilessly pulled out the ugly, dirty, and dark thoughts in her heart and burned them to ashes in the scorching sun.
She was naked, exposed to the boy’s scrutinizing gaze. The other party was a god’s judgment on a despicable and dark person like her. All her struggles were just pale and futile.
Like… so this is what it feels like.
She clutched the strange, pounding creature in her chest. The boy seemed to have planted something of his in her body. Otherwise, why would this strange creature leap uncontrollably every time she thought of him, hitting her ribs with a raw pain?
Fortunately, she wasn’t very afraid of pain… it didn’t matter if her dirty body was smashed to pieces.
At that time, the naïve boy didn’t understand. The infatuation that had been ignited at first sight would become the greatest suffering of her life. She would spend her entire life chasing this untouchable light, until her heart’s blood was burned out, and she still couldn’t get what she wanted.
…
On her birthday, the woman had promised her a wish. Su Xi had almost no hesitation and said that she wanted a dress, a white dress with blue dots.
The man naturally wouldn’t remember her birthday. On her birthday, the woman had still sent Su Xi to a hotel as usual and had promised to bring her a large cream cake to celebrate her birthday when she came back at night.
Su Xi nodded obediently and stood on the balcony, watching as the woman got into a small car at the corner of the street and disappeared at the end of her vision.
She pressed down on the restless creature stirring in her chest and returned to the hotel room. She opened the gift package the woman had given her. It was really a pure white dress with blue dots. The workmanship was much more exquisite than the one in the children’s clothing store window. The edge of the skirt was embroidered with complex and beautiful lace. She couldn’t help but start to fantasize about the skirt swaying in the wind.
Su Xi looked at the time and began to prepare for today’s plan with some anxiety. She changed into the dress and smoothed out every little wrinkle. She took out the cosmetics that the woman had secretly hidden at home from her schoolbag. She didn’t know how to do makeup, but she just imitated the woman and carefully applied it to her face.
She had secretly tried it. The white powder in the small round box could erase the freckles and acne scars on her face, and the lipstick… could make her lifeless little face look delicate and bright. She regretted that she hadn’t realized earlier that there was such a tool in the world that could erase ugliness and flaws. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have delayed this meeting until today.
She naively believed in the love-at-first-sight scenes in TV dramas. She wanted to turn her full of love into words and tell the boy, begging the other party not to let the strange creature in her chest repeatedly do evil, making her suffer such a chaotic and bitter, dull pain every day.
Unrequited love.
Unattainable, and unrequited.
She could endure the pain of the belt buckle scraping off a large piece of flesh on her body, but she was defeated by this sour and stagnant, unrequited love.
…
