Chapter 50: Only the Heartache of This Moment Was the Clearest. p2
Chu Wantang did not hide her decision to go to Xuecheng from her two friends and specially called them to her house to explain the matter.
Hearing this, Wan Yi stood up with her hands on her hips and asked angrily, “Why aren’t you being stubborn this time?”
“…” Su Cheng pulled at her clothes. “That’s enough.”
Chu Wantang’s eyes were gentle, and she could even smile and say, “It’s okay. Let her talk.”
Wan Yi sat back down. “I’m too lazy.”
She then asked, “Why is your window always closed?”
“I don’t want to open it,” Chu Wantang said, closing her eyes. “I don’t want to let go of the scent she left behind.”
This place still stored the traces of Huai Xing’s existence. She was afraid that they would scatter with the wind, and she didn’t want to let go of any of them.
This time it was Su Cheng’s turn to stand up with her hands on her hips. She was also angry and said, “We both advised you in May, and now you’re doing this! You deserve it! When you find Xingxing, you’d better apologize properly!”
Wan Yi couldn’t stop laughing. For a moment, she was both happy and sad for Chu Wantang.
Happy that this person was finally being honest with her own heart, and sad that… it was too late.
How many people had missed their chance? She couldn’t guarantee that Chu Wantang would ever see Huai Xing again.
But some things were naturally meant to be kept to oneself. When they were said, they would take a big turn. “Aiya, can I hear a certain Chu admit that she has a ‘Xing’ addiction now?”
“I do,” Chu Wantang nodded. “I have an addiction to her.”
The two friends high-fived. “Satisfied.”
Chu Wantang’s eyes curved into a smile. Thinking of the future, she said, “When I find her, I’ll treat you to dinner again.”
“Okay,” Su Cheng nodded.
Wan Yi raised an eyebrow and said nice things, “I’m flying abroad in two days. You have to wait for me to come back for this meal. You can’t eat it secretly behind my back. I’ll be angry.”
“I won’t.”
The next day, Chu Wantang took a flight to Xuecheng.
She had to stay here for a while, so she rented a car to drive herself.
The temperature in Xuecheng was not high in the summer, in a very comfortable range. She would go out after waking up every morning and only come back when it was dark.
She had no clue. How could she find someone? She didn’t know.
But if she didn’t do anything, she would fall into a deeper self-blame, even though the long nights were already hard for her to bear.
She walked through one street after another, her gaze falling on the girls who were about the same height as Huai Xing, and then she would look away again and again. She seemed to be lost in this vast city. Only Huai Xing could lead her out, but there was no Huai Xing to lead her out.
On the sixteenth day in Xuecheng, it rained heavily.
The rain was very heavy, and the curtains in the hotel room were flying exaggeratedly. She closed her eyes on the sofa, wore earplugs, and hugged her knees, trying to reduce the stimulation from the thunder. But it seemed to be of little use. She was using so much force that her fingernails were turning purple.
In a daze, she thought it was snowing outside.
Otherwise, why would she be so cold, so cold that her body was trembling and her breathing was rapid?
She opened her eyes, and it was still raining.
It turned out that it was snowing in her world.
Did Huai Xing feel the same way back then?
The day after they had had sex, when she had questioned her if she was a lesbian, when she had deliberately said to Su Cheng that adults have physical needs for Huai Xing to hear, when she had said in front of her friends that Huai Xing was a little pet that came when called and went when shooed…
Many, many moments replayed in her mind.
She buried her head, letting her tears flow down her knees and drown her.
That night, she couldn’t sleep even more, or rather, since Huai Xing had left, she had barely had a peaceful sleep.
Her head was aching. She thought of Huai Xing’s A-bei-bei.
The next day, the rain in Xuecheng had lessened a lot. She held an umbrella and came to the jade shop she had booked, and bought a jade comb of a similar style.
But at night, no matter how she held the jade comb, she couldn’t fall asleep.
Only then did she belatedly realize.
Huai Xing’s A-bei-bei was a jade comb, and her A-bei-bei was Huai Xing.
When did it start? After Huai Xing came to Jingcheng?
No, it wasn’t. It was after she had returned from Yuncheng for the first time that year. She had never understood why her mother would miss this child so much.
She thought about it every night, and as she thought, she would fall asleep.
But now, no matter how much she thought of Huai Xing, she still couldn’t fall asleep. Those thoughts that she had deliberately suppressed before were now slowly emerging.
Six years ago, in front of Huai Zhao’s grave, on that rainy day, had she really taken the initiative to invite Huai Xing to be her family just for revenge?
She closed her eyes and recalled the scene of that day.
The girl was soaked in the rain, her face covered in rain and tears. The moment she held an umbrella for Huai Xing and wiped her tears, she was thinking—
Don’t cry, Huai Xing.
I love to see you smile. Come to my side and smile, okay?
She wanted to have this smile to herself.
Later, when Huai Xing came to Jingcheng for university after she had become an adult, the distance between them was no longer the coffee shop and the law firm, separated by a window that was not easily discovered.
They were under the same roof, and Huai Xing also often smiled at her, her almond eyes curving.
She had forgotten when she had developed different feelings for Huai Xing. Was it when she was holding Huai Xing to calm her own heartbeat during a thunderstorm? Or was it when Huai Xing was playing the violin and only had eyes for her? Or was it when she came home from work and could see someone waiting for her on the sofa?
She really couldn’t remember. She only knew that there had been many times when her heartbeat was louder than the thunder.
But years of pain had long become an obsession, embedded in every part of her body, giving her no peace.
She forcefully suppressed her fantasies about Huai Xing and continued with her plan, making Huai Xing trust and rely on her even more, until she discovered that Huai Xing also had the same feelings for her.
Was it for revenge, or to satisfy her own selfish desires? She could no longer tell.
Only the heartache of this moment was the clearest.
Before returning to Jingcheng, Chu Wantang went to Nancheng again.
She still rented a car and drove around Chaoyin Road every night. When she was lucky, she would see the scene of the moonlight sprinkling on the sea surface, the same as the night she had seen with Huai Xing. But the car was empty, and she seemed to be unable to even hear the sound of the sea, let alone Huai Xing’s cute “wow.”
Every morning, she would also drive to the place where they had watched the sunrise before.
Summer had arrived, and there were many tourists in Nancheng, and even more lesbian couples, because after the photographer who had taken their photos had posted them on social media, the photos had gone viral. Now, the photo was being spread all over the internet and had even become many people’s wallpaper. This place had also become a popular spot for many people to watch the sunrise.
Chu Wantang had not set it as her wallpaper, but she would open her photo album every day.
The ambiguous hug photos she had deliberately taken under the guise of being sisters, and the photos of Huai Xing on the runway, she had long since asked the photographer for all of them…
On the day she left Nancheng, Chu Wantang went to the seaside to watch the sunrise again.
She stepped on the sand, which was wrapped in cold air, but she didn’t feel cold. She looked at the surging waves in the darkness, and she didn’t feel scared.
She seemed to have lost all perception of her surroundings. Until a golden-red crack appeared on the horizon and the sunrise arrived, she heard a young couple not far away exclaim, “Wow! The sea breeze is so big and salty!”
Only then did Chu Wantang come back to her senses. Her long lashes trembled slightly. She recalled Huai Xing’s actions, reached out her hand, and felt the moist sea breeze sticking to her hand, clinging to her skin and unwilling to leave.
As her tears fell, the sentence that Huai Xing had said to her in a soft voice as she said goodbye echoed in her ears at this moment—
“The wind is rising, Chu Wantang.”
Let’s not see each other again.
