“I like women.” This was what Tang Feiwan had wanted to tell her parents openly years ago, when she and Lin Ye were still together. But back then, she was young, had no income, and needed her parents’ support. She had no leverage. So during her years in Heidelberg, she worked harder than most, studying theory, working in the lab, publishing in high-quality journals, entering the hospital, and practicing the basics of surgery: cutting, suturing, hemostasis, and knot-tying, simulating various procedures…
Even her advisor said he’d rarely seen such a diligent student. The capital for coming out accumulated. This June, she said goodbye to her advisor and scheduled her return to China in July. From that day on, she had officially begun planning how to tell her parents.
For example, moving out. Even if she hadn’t overheard that Professor Zheng’s old house was for rent, Tang Feiwan would have found a studio near the hospital. And in terms of whom to come out to first, she had always planned to tell her mother. Compared to her father Tang Anhua, her mother Jiang Junli, though busy with work and not often around when she was young, was always the first person Tang Feiwan thought of when making major decisions.
Now, finally, with relief, she had solemnly said the words.
Tang Feiwan watched the smile on Jiang Junli’s lips freeze, replaced by a long-unseen severity. Both were silent. After a long while, Jiang Junli’s heavy voice broke the stillness: “Do you mean what I think? You like women, so you won’t accept any man. Even if you find a partner, she’ll be a woman like you?”
“Yes,” Tang Feiwan admitted.
Jiang Junli couldn’t believe it. Her brows knitted, her breathing quickened. She tried to find a reason. “Why? Did you pick up bad habits abroad?”
“Mom, do you also think same-sex love is abnormal? You should know that homosexuality was depathologized long ago. On June 18 this year, the World Health Organization published the ICD-11, which completely removed ‘homosexuality’ from the classification of mental and behavioral disorders.” Both mother and daughter were doctors, so Tang Feiwan started from a medical angle.
Jiang Junli sighed. “I didn’t say it’s abnormal. But it’s also related to the environment of life and education, right? You were in Germany for eight years, where the LGBTQ community is relatively concentrated.” She propped her head with her left hand, shaking it. “I shouldn’t have sent you abroad.”
Tang Feiwan was stunned. She seemed to have overestimated Jiang Junli’s acceptance. It had escalated to regretting sending her abroad. But thinking it through, given the social environment, who could accept that their child liked the same sex after just a few words? Besides, she had prepared for a long battle. Tang Feiwan reasoned it out, sniffed, and looked at her mother’s reddening eyes. She said softly, “Mom, I already liked women when I was in China.” She had realized it in high school, but due to heavy studies, she hadn’t dated. In university, through a club event at the end of the semester, she met some former members. Lin Ye was one of them.
“Your dad and I have a good relationship. Our friends and family all have happy marriages. I thought you were just picky, with high standards. How could you not like men?” Jiang Junli’s eyes widened, still unable to accept it.
Older generations always thought sexual orientation was influenced by the environment, that a bad, broken family led children to choose another path. Tang Feiwan continued, “Mom, I started reading manga in high school. By my second year, I knew my orientation and accepted it calmly. I was drawn to the different personalities of female characters. They were strong, brave, gentle, humorous, kind…”
“Those manga and novels beautify the characters and personalities. Of course you’re drawn to them with those filters.” Even as Jiang Junli said it, she couldn’t convince herself, because she knew art mirrored life.
Tang Feiwan frowned. “Mom, what if I said that in anime and manga, male characters are even more beautified?”
“You…” Jiang Junli was speechless. Working in a hospital, she met all kinds of people and knew the truth in Tang Feiwan’s words. She couldn’t argue, but she still defended, “You should look at people and things from every angle. There are many outstanding men too.”
“I know. I’m not denying that some of them are excellent.” Tang Feiwan emphasized, “But I prefer women and am more willing to get to know them.”
Her daughter was firm and articulate. Knowing her as she did, Jiang Junli realized she wouldn’t act so impulsively without a specific person. She suddenly asked, “Tang Feiwan, you have someone you like, don’t you?”
“I…” Tang Feiwan hadn’t planned to tell Jiang Junli about having a crush. She only wanted her to know her orientation. She didn’t want to bring trouble to Lin Ye before her parents accepted it.
Besides, she didn’t know if she could win her back. She might end up single forever.
Tang Feiwan wasn’t good at lying. Jiang Junli could tell at a glance that she did have someone. She frowned. Though the shock, bewilderment, and anger of the initial news had subsided, she still didn’t want her daughter to walk a controversial path. She took a deep breath, sighing several times, and eyed the side profile Tang Feiwan, out of guilt, had left her by averting her gaze. She steadied herself and said, “You were so righteous just now. Why are you stammering now?” Just like when you were little. When caught, you’d shrink back into your rabbit hole, though you’d eventually prove yourself with results.
Jiang Junli pressed, “Who is she? Does she also like women?”
Tang Feiwan’s voice was very low. “Mom, can we not talk about it? Or wait until I win her over.”
“You’re the one pursuing?” Jiang Junli found it incredible. She knew her daughter best. From childhood to adulthood, she had rarely initiated social interactions with others.
“Why not?” Though Lin Ye had been the one to initiate back then, Tang Feiwan had hurt that proactive person. Now, to get close, to maybe rekindle what they had, she had to be the proactive one.
“You don’t have to tell me who, but I want to know if her orientation is the same.” Jiang Junli had seen a lot and knew she couldn’t stop Tang Feiwan now. Pressing harder would only push her further. But she didn’t want her daughter destroying someone else’s family or getting hurt.
Tang Feiwan said firmly, “She likes women.” In the winter of her first year in Heidelberg, Lin Ye had told her she’d come out two years prior. Her mother had fully accepted it and was looking forward to meeting her daughter’s partner.
Came out, accepted… Tang Feiwan suddenly realized: Why did I think Lin Ye had married a man and started a family? I didn’t trust her? I’m screwed. No wonder she gave me the cold shoulder that day.
I deserved it.
“Age, job, family?” Jiang Junli wanted to know what kind of woman could infatuate her daughter like this.
Tang Feiwan sensed Jiang Junli’s tone had softened, and the tension between them was easing. She turned back, pressed her lips, and said, “Age is confidential.” She couldn’t be too specific, or her mother’s intelligence and social circle would figure it out in days. So she took a roundabout approach. “She has a proper job. She’s more accomplished than me. Good-natured. Her father seems to have passed away, and her mother runs a small business back home.”
She won’t say anything conclusive. Gotten smarter after years abroad. Jiang Junli assumed it was someone she’d just met after returning. She poured cold water on that. “You’ve only known her for how long? You can know a person’s face, but never their heart.”
“Twelve years.” In the second semester of freshman year, at the club’s end-of-term mixer, Lin Ye, invited by the club president, stood tall and gave a speech. Her rhythmic tone, her gentle voice. Tang Feiwan, in the audience, would never forget them. That was Lin Ye’s first impression on her, though they only exchanged contacts in the first semester of sophomore year.
Jiang Junli was surprised again. So this has been planned for years?
Seeing her stunned, Tang Feiwan pressed her advantage. “Mom, I like her. She’s the only one for me. I won’t spend my energy on anyone else.”
Jiang Junli thought that once Tang Feiwan returned and tried for a while, if the other woman ignored her, she would probably give up. After all, in love, no one can persist without response. She unintentionally hit a sore spot. “What if, what if no matter how hard you try, she doesn’t like you?”
“Then I’ll die alone.” Tang Feiwan was being spiteful, but it was also how she felt.
“Pfft, pfft, pfft. Tang Feiwan, you’re going to be the death of me.” Jiang Junli clutched her chest. “You’re angering me so much my chest hurts. If my heart has problems one day, you’ll have to treat me.” She meant it. Since hearing the news, her chest had felt tight, and she couldn’t catch her breath. If she hadn’t had a checkup ten days ago, she’d suspect a heart problem.
Tang Feiwan didn’t respond, letting the moment breathe.
“If things don’t work out with her, find someone else seriously. Preferably a man.” Jiang Junli got up from the stool, her right hand braced on the computer desk. The conversation had lasted nearly an hour. For the umpteenth time, she sighed and said heavily, “As for this, I don’t oppose it, but I don’t approve either. But you should think about how to tell your father.”
Tang Feiwan looked up at her, pleading. “Mom, can you keep it a secret for now? We both know Dad’s temper. He won’t accept it.”
“Do you think I’ve accepted it?” Jiang Junli took a deep breath. “I have no choice. You’ve grown up and can make your own decisions. You don’t need our opinions anymore.” With that, she turned and walked down the step. Thirteen years ago, when the house was renovated, they’d enclosed the balcony of the second bedroom and raised it a few centimeters to serve as Tang Feiwan’s study. So there was a five-centimeter step.
Tang Feiwan stared unblinkingly as Jiang Junli’s back disappeared from the room. When the door closed, tears she could no longer hold back streamed down.
This was the first time she’d defied her parents’ wishes. If someone asked her now, do you regret it?
No. No matter how many times she did it over, she’d make the same choice.
At 4 p.m., she picked up the cake and placed it on the dining table. She went to her room to get her keys, ready to leave, when Tang Anhua suddenly opened the door. Father and daughter faced each other.
“Leaving?” Tang Anhua’s voice was unreadable.
Tang Feiwan’s heart pounded. “Yes. I’m going back to pack for work.”
“It’s only 4:13. Let’s talk for 15 minutes.”
