“You participated in the Macau Marathon. You won the police academy long-distance championship for the force. How could you possibly not outrun me? Why didn’t I think of it? It’s my fault. I should have let you win. Did you really injure the artery? Forget it… don’t tell me… I… I really can’t bear to hear it.”
Lu Shimiao started speaking in large chunks again. As she spoke, she clapped her hands over her ears. Her whole body was on high alert. She couldn’t imagine the scene of Xue Tong’s artery rupturing. Just thinking about it made her want to vomit.
“Don’t cry.”
Xue Tong’s dizzy head was sobered up by Lu Shimiao’s crying. Her swaying body steadied gradually. She knew Lu Shimiao was about to spiral into anxiety. So she reached out, placing her hands over Lu Shimiao’s, helping her protect her head, holding down those terrifying images.
Then she wrapped her arm around the girl’s shoulders and pulled her to her chest. She couldn’t bear to hear this kind of crying from Lu Shimiao. It sounded so pitiful. Like she was torturing her. She spoke softly, as if nothing had happened, “Well, I’m here, aren’t I?”
“When… did it happen? Was it… after I… left?” Officer Lu was trembling so hard, her words broken fragments.
“I can’t tell you the specific time,” Xue Tong said, stroking Lu Shimiao’s chest, trying to calm her. “Sorry.”
Hearing the words “can’t tell you,” Lu Shimiao’s heart pounded wildly.
Before her eyes flashed the signs before Xue Tong’s disappearance. The cruise ship, the cufflinks, the inexplicable crying in the bathroom. Some vague images solidified. She found a crucial clue in the middle of them, threading the needle, stitching together her past: the solemn goodbye at the airport, and her own pain and longing.
“I wasn’t in Hawaii back then.”
“I didn’t abandon you.”
Pulling away from the embrace, Xue Tong was still sitting on her lap. Looking at Xue Tong’s eyes required her to tilt her head up. Her shoulders still shook with sobs. “Did you go on a mission? Undercover? Because of that evaluation score?”
“I can’t answer that,” Xue Tong traced her fingertips along the shell of Lu Shimiao’s ear, outlining that red-hot ear. Her voice was tinged with guilt. “You can understand, right?”
“Why did you become an undercover officer?”
“Sorry, Lu Shimiao. I can’t say anything,” Xue Tong watched the other’s heartbroken tears flow faster. She reached out to touch them. She didn’t know how to comfort her, so she just said, “But I’m here.”
“Being here isn’t enough!” Lu Shimiao’s hands rested on Xue Tong’s waist. “It’s enough to kill someone with pain.”
“It didn’t hurt. But the thought of never seeing you… that hurt,” Xue Tong brushed the stray bangs from Lu Shimiao’s face. Her fingertip traced her eyebrows, then the bridge of her nose, wiping away tears. Finally, she stopped in the middle of her lips and pressed lightly. She leaned down to Lu Shimiao’s ear. “So, will you forgive me for leaving without saying goodbye?”
Xue Tong’s voice, soft yet teasing, was incredibly alluring. As she leaned forward, the curve of her hip grazed Lu Shimiao’s thigh. They were holding each other intimately. Lu Shimiao felt a tickle deep in her belly. Her nerves were overreacting again. “I…”
She couldn’t speak.
Xue Tong saw how Lu Shimiao, fresh from crying, was already flustered by a single sentence from her. She suddenly found it amusing. Four years later, and she was still so sincere, still so easy to tease. So Xue Tong deliberately shifted her hips in the straddling position, biting Lu Shimiao’s ear gently. Her voice was affectionate. “Well then, Officer Lu, shall we continue?”
…
System crash.
Lu Shimiao’s breath tightened again. She reached out to touch the scar. The scar was hidden in the groin area. She caressed around it gently.
Xue Tong knew Lu Shimiao was just distressed, but the location of that hand… Her eyes flickered. A warm current suddenly flowed through her lower abdomen. Her breathing became passive. She kissed the corner of Lu Shimiao’s mouth, then took that hand and placed it back on her own waist.
Four years apart. Lu Shimiao’s skin was tanned. She had put on weight. Her shoulders looked broader. The hand against her tank top, pressing through the fabric, wasn’t as soft as before. Between her brows, Xue Tong saw that blurry, lost expression in Lu Shimiao’s eyes again.
The room was unlit, but she could see the color of those pupils. Her field of vision was completely filled with her own reflection, leaving nothing else.
That’s fine.
She still had many chances to fill these eyes.
Lu Shimiao buried her head against Xue Tong’s body like a suction cup, clamped tightly onto Xue Tong’s snow-white collarbone. She was so thin. The thyroid cartilage in her throat stood out sharply, tier upon tier. It rose and fell when she swallowed. So cute. Lu Shimiao couldn’t resist kissing it. She thought, if she bit down right here, Xue Tong would probably suffocate.
“…Mm.” Xue Tong held back a flash of shame, gripping Lu Shimiao’s shoulder. Just having her neck licked once was unbearable. “We haven’t showered yet.”
Haven’t showered.
Lu Shimiao suddenly remembered she’d been at the Serious Crime Unit for four days. Lu Shimiao, who was a bit of a neat freak, froze instantly. When her lips left the skin, a thin string of saliva stretched between them… She hurriedly reached for her uniform to wipe it.
“Then… let’s shower,” Lu Shimiao refused to let go, holding Xue Tong tightly.
“Together?” Xue Tong stroked the head of her newly restored Little Dog.
“…I’m a little shy,” Lu Shimiao buried her head in Xue Tong’s armpit. “But… together is fine.”
–
Lying in bed.
Xue Tong’s fingertips swept the corner of Lu Shimiao’s sleeping eye.
Earlier in the shower, Lu Shimiao had stood under the light, staring at the scar on her leg for a long time, muttering a whole string of words. She asked about the injury. Did it hurt the tendon? Did it damage any nerves? After two questions, Lu Shimiao had started crouching and crying. She had no choice but to crouch down on the floor too, comforting her for a very long time. She thought to herself: Thank god it’s summer, otherwise crouching for half an hour would freeze someone to death.
Once in bed, the person who had been so eager turned into a pure-hearted knight. No matter what she tried, Lu Shimiao didn’t touch her once… It annoyed Xue Tong so much she asked if it was because the scar was too ugly, if it killed the mood.
This made Lu Shimiao kneel on the bed in a panic. Then, with an apologetic look, she kissed the scar for a very long time.
Where was the scar, exactly? Where Officer Lu was kissing was driving Xue Tong’s taut nerves insane! In the end, she had to forcefully push her head down and order her to lie properly.
Lu Shimiao was probably tired from crying, or hadn’t had a chance to sleep at the Serious Crime Unit. Her head hit the pillow, she said two sentences, and fell asleep. She slept so deeply, as if the previous madness hadn’t happened. Her arm was wrapped tightly around her waist, so she couldn’t even get up for a cigarette.
Yeah.
Having done nothing, Xue Tong wanted a cigarette even more.
She patted Lu Shimiao’s arm, whispering, “I’m going to the bathroom. Let go.”
In her haze, Lu Shimiao heard Xue Tong speak. Her heart still hadn’t settled. She was afraid Xue Tong would leave. So she quickly looked up at the sky outside. Still dark. She propped herself up, squinting, as if speaking in a daze. “What’s wrong?”
“Toilet. Let go,” Xue Tong gently patted the hand on her clothes.
“Oh, oh. I’ll come with you,” Lu Shimiao’s voice was childlike. She rubbed her eyes, trying to snap herself awake from the drowsiness.
Ah.
I really want to do her.
Xue Tong pressed her back down onto the bed. “Lie properly.”
“Will you still be here tomorrow morning?” Lu Shimiao obediently put her head on the pillow, her hand returning to trace the scar on Xue Tong’s thigh.
“Mm,” Xue Tong kissed the corner of her eye. “I will.”
Putting on her pajamas, Xue Tong sat in the courtyard.
Shanghai was still raining. She lit a cigarette and watched the thistles in the yard, which the housekeeper hadn’t cleared yet. She took a drag. Her mind was in a daze.
She had thought everything she’d planned in Hong Kong was about to fail.
Because of this scar, she had missed so much.
And now, because of this scar, she had found it again.
What was she going to do about her and Lu Shimiao? They’d be together from now on, right? Although she was prepared to stay, she was too afraid of losing herself. Suddenly pouring all her strength into one person—would that make Lu Shimiao feel pressured, or would Lu Shimiao, unable to carry that future, hide away in fright?
She gazed at the orange ember again. This mainland cigarette tasted so strong. Not like the lighter taste of raw tobacco. She’d have to shower again, or the smell would be detected. To think she’d quit smoking for three months, only to have it broken by Lu Shimiao. It’d kept her from trying to quit again for years.
The moon in Shanghai was so bright, brighter than in Hong Kong. Xue Tong looked at it and took another drag. The smoke blurred the view. A sudden clap of thunder rolled in the distance, deep and muffled. This city of Shanghai was so far from the sea, yet so damp. Moonlight mixed with thunder made it more dreamlike than Hong Kong.
Having stayed just a few days, she realized this city was built inside coffee shops. Leaving this house, there were four coffee shops to the left. No more getting up early to fiddle with coffee machines. Shanghai had every type of cuisine. Even the Cha Chaan Teng were better than Hong Kong’s. Unmoored, even more adrift than Hong Kong. Hong Kong at least had Mazu temples… you could still get a protective talisman.
Shanghai only had Lu Shimiao.
“The cigarette’s out,” Lu Shimiao’s voice murmured, tinged with grievance. She rested her chin gently on top of Xue Tong’s head, pressing down, her arms wrapping around her from behind. “Lied to me about going to the toilet.”
“Sorry,” Xue Tong tossed the cigarette into the ashtray.
“Do cigarettes taste good? Why do you smoke?” Lu Shimiao wanted to start exploring the person before her.
Xue Tong reached out, took Lu Shimiao’s arm, and patted her own leg. “Come here.”
Held by the wrist, Lu Shimiao walked around the chair to stand in front of Xue Tong. She looked at her leg. “I don’t dare sit.”
“I’m not a cripple. This leg is perfectly fine. It might even beat you in a spar,” Xue Tong was exasperated by Lu Shimiao’s overreaction.
“Then you get up and sit on me,” Lu Shimiao reversed the grip on Xue Tong’s wrist and pulled her up from the seat in one strong motion. Then she sat back in the chair, leaning against it, and pulled the person onto her lap. “You still haven’t answered me. Why do you smoke?”
Xue Tong picked up the cigarette pack, pulled one out, and pressed the lighter. The flame lit the tobacco.
“Have you ever smoked?”
Lu Shimiao shook her head. “But I inhale secondhand smoke every day.”
Xue Tong placed the lit cigarette on the notch of the ashtray. Then, a kiss landed on Lu Shimiao’s lips.
So bitter. The acrid taste of tobacco smoke. Lu Shimiao didn’t like the taste of cigarettes. But as they kissed, Xue Tong’s sweetness overtook it. She began to adapt to this combination of numbing sweetness and bitterness. Later, she even started to lick and savor it.
The courtyard wind blew raindrops onto them. Lu Shimiao tugged Xue Tong’s clothes tighter around her.
Xue Tong wrapped her arms around her neck, pressing her hips close again. She’d come out to smoke precisely to calm down. How could she let this person in front of her go now?
They kissed for a long time, until Lu Shimiao was gasping for air, feeling she absolutely needed to go back to bed to relieve this heat.
She broke the kiss. “You still haven’t answered me. Why did you come out to smoke?”
Xue Tong glanced at the cigarette beside her, now burned to ash. She leaned into Lu Shimiao’s ear and spoke in Cantonese.
“Because I wanted to see how long we could kiss for.”
Lu Shimiao understood. She looked back at the bare cigarette butt, then buried her head in Xue Tong’s chest.
Xue Tong grabbed her collar. “So, can we kiss away this whole box of cigarettes, Officer Lu?”
