Zhu Erting didn’t show much surprise about Li Yongquan inviting me out for barbecue.
That day, after I clarified that I really didn’t have a boyfriend, Zhu Erting kept bringing up romance in every third sentence, asking if I planned to accept Li Yongquan’s feelings.
Zhu Erting was really loyal. She didn’t let our first dinner with Li Yongquan be just me showing up alone; she ditched her own boyfriend to keep me company.
That online boyfriend had gone back to his hometown, and she dumped him. After the novelty wore off, she looked back and thought her ex was actually pretty good.
Qiaonan was far away, and taking an electric scooter there meant you couldn’t make it back. So Zhu Erting and I agreed to meet at the bus stop.
She had just come out of her neighborhood when she spotted me across the street, covered her mouth, and shouted, “Xiao Huixiang, how are you so cool?!”
I wasn’t too confident. With the holiday and no kids to watch, I’d only dared to cut it like this. Zhu Erting’s reaction felt more like teasing, so I uncomfortably pulled my hat down.
Zhu Erting lifted my hat off like she was uncovering a pot lid and plopped it on her own head. Then she plunged both hands into my hair, ruffling it vigorously several times. “So soft and stress-relieving! This style suits you perfectly—it makes you look even more womanly!”
“Was I looking manly with long hair before?”
I’d been scrolling through a fashion roundup on Weibo, and one female celebrity’s 2017 cover shoot caught my eye. She had that same almost childish expression and youthful look as me, but she’d cut her hair to just the length of her index finger joint, with a slight perm so it fell in soft, layered waves like wool, hugging her scalp and exposing her round little nape. In that photo, she ditched her usual sweet image for something highly recognizable, like a quirky elf.
I took that picture to the salon, and since my hair is fine and soft, the result was pretty similar. But after one wash, it didn’t look quite the same anymore, so I covered it with a hat.
On the way, Zhu Erting kept analyzing how perfect the style was for me. “Your nape is so pretty. Before, with that messy long hair, it looked heavy… and you’re so skinny, like Sadako. Now it’s great—your face shape looks amazing, your eyes so spirited. Oh my god, Xiao Huixiang, you look so much healthier. No makeup? Hold on.”
I said I’d cut it because summer was here and it felt cooler. Zhu Erting said no matter what, she hoped I’d keep this hairstyle semi-permanently.
She pulled out an eyebrow trimmer and flashed the blade on the bumpy bus ride. I was genuinely startled.
“Hurry, trim your brows!”
Zhu Erting dutifully held up the mirror while I hunched over, plucking the stray hairs and lightly shaping them with an eyebrow pencil.
Zhu Erting dug out some lipstick, but I pinned her hand down. “No, I’m not on a date with him.”
“True, he doesn’t deserve it.”
Qiaonan’s barbecue street was filled with the aroma of cumin. Zhu Erting and I, Li Yongquan, and his two male friends—five of us in total—sat under a big umbrella, introducing ourselves amid the evening breeze.
I’d brought Zhu Erting, and Li Yongquan wasn’t too surprised. It was pretty safe— just a Bright Kindergarten colleagues’ outing. His two friends: one prepping for the civil service exam at home, the other helping out at his parents’ supermarket. Both young, they’d met playing pool.
My appearance naturally sparked some chatter about my hair. No matter what anyone said, I stuck to the line that it was hot weather and my hair grew fast.
We ordered lamb, chicken gizzards, treasure palm, and such. Li Yongquan asked if we wanted drinks.
Zhu Erting knew I wasn’t big on alcohol, so she said, “She’s allergic to booze. Coke’s fine.”
Liu Ming, the civil service guy, asked, “Real allergy or just don’t wanna drink?”
I said, “Then I’ll have a bit.”
Li Yongquan shut it down instead. “What’re you doing? Too gangster. Out with booze culture at the barbecue stall—North Ocean soda it is!”
Zhu Erting and I exchanged a glance.
The supermarket guy’s surname was Wang, but I don’t remember his first name. He was chugging beer silently from the start. Li Yongquan persuaded him: “Just go on the blind dates. You’ve already decided anyway—gonna end up married sooner or later, saves the nagging from your folks.”
“Who said I’m not going back to Guangzhou? I might even go back to work!”
Zhu Erting chimed in instead. “Playing the field, right? Strategically, you don’t wanna get married—don’t. Tactically, just go through the motions, take the girl out to eat, come back and say it didn’t work. What’re your parents gonna do, tie you to the wedding car?”
He laughed and cried at the same time. “Blind dates waste time. I get goosebumps just hanging out with girls…”
Liu Ming straight-up spilled it. “He likes guys.”
Zhu Erting let out a long “ohhh.”
In a small county like Neng County, gay people are rare. It sounds dirty to the ears, but luckily this table was all young folks—the oldest was me. Otherwise, outing someone’s sexuality so bluntly, if I were that Wang guy, I’d slap Liu Ming.
Go back a decade or so, and I’d have thought these poor souls were possessed by ghosts, deserving my pity.
I didn’t get a great impression of Liu Ming. I said, given the situation, you still gotta go back to Guangzhou. Here in Neng County, your parents nagging you a bit drives you nuts—what about later?
“But I’m from Neng County. I like it here. Why should I… because I’m gay… not stay in my hometown? It’s Neng County’s problem. Why should I hide?”
He was a bit drunk, raising his voice on “why,” poking the table like he was gonna stand up and argue with me. Zhu Erting said, “No way around it—that’s just the reality…”
He shut up. Li Yongquan called for cold dishes, and he slowly put chicken shreds in his mouth.
I started a new topic, asking Li Yongquan what his holiday plans were.
I’m not clueless. I know why Li Yongquan asked me out. He broke up with his girlfriend, and now out of loneliness or curiosity, he’s interested in me. I’ve lived 27 years, dated before—I know what he means.
Not that I’m dead set on marrying him, but I don’t plan to live alone forever either. Since fate knocked, why not give it a shot? I can’t keep dodging every time relationships come up, using married-with-kids Lu Jinshi as a shield.
I can’t just passively take everything anymore. In that room of mine, besides my crafts, there’s only hallucinations of Zheng Ningning, nightmares from seven years ago, year-after-year routines, and Zhu Erting—who changes but we never really dive deep.
This year added Gan Ling—great, now my life revolves around her. Gan Ling bundled up the hallucinations in my room and hurled them at me, but now she’s circling around me, leaving me empty.
Li Yongquan probed, “Thinking of heading to the city for a week—Bamboo Garden, Jile Mountain, comic con, and some history museum exhibit, I think next-next week. Wanna go together?”
“You going?” I asked Zhu Erting.
She said she had other holiday plans—visit her dad back home, and relatives’ wedding elsewhere.
“So solo by guidebook or tour group?” I asked.
“There’s that travel agency thing where they arrange a car to sites, but no full group.”
“I kinda wanna go. Since coming to Neng County, I haven’t really hit the city for fun. Doesn’t even feel like I’m local…”
Li Yongquan’s eyes lit up. “Great! You’re in—we can book now.”
“Just us two feels off, no?”
“Bring other friends too. More people, more fun!” Li Yongquan had this upbeat energy, eyes sparkling, leaning forward so much his T-shirt nearly hit the peanuts. I steadied his shoulder, pushed him back, and moved the peanuts aside.
Liu Ming said, “Me too—perfect timing.”
Zhu Erting cut in. “Aren’t you focused on the exam?”
Liu Ming: “Work and rest, y’know.”
I said I’d think about it. I don’t have many friends left; can’t drag anyone for a full week. Liu Ming joining put me off, but I wasn’t desperate for alone time with Li Yongquan either. Going with the flow wasn’t cliff-diving.
We ate late, missing the last bus. Li Yongquan surprisingly pulled out a guitar and sang “Those Flowers.” We took a cab back. Zhu Erting said Li Yongquan was pretty talented, teasing, “You really going for the old cow eating tender grass?”
“See how it goes.” I didn’t deny it. Zhu Erting leaned on me laughing, still ruffling my hair greedily. I grabbed her arm. Outside the window, the scenery receded. Maybe the night seeped into my heart, but I couldn’t hold back spilling my troubles to my friend.
“I’m actually… a bit unwilling.”
“About what?”
“I don’t know how to put it… Like you and a friend plan to see a concert together, agree on next year too, but suddenly she ghosts you and pretends no concert ever happened… I suck at examples.”
I jumped from Li Yongquan to concerts. Neng County has none—Zhu Erting got it quick; I was talking about something else.
Regarding Zheng Ningning’s matter, Gan Ling and I share the same pain. There are other people in the know—Gan Ling can go inquire with them—but we have an agreement: she will get the killer’s name from me next year. Before that, I—
Zhu Erting grabbed my hair and said, “Did you cut your hair because of this too?”
“No, because I’m hot.” I denied it flatly.
“Relationship troubles? Did the person you were flirting with suddenly ghost you?” Zhu Erting still couldn’t understand why I’d brought it up out of nowhere, thinking it was related to my sudden fondness for Li Yongquan.
No, it’s nothing.
“Say it.”
“No, it’s not about feelings…”
It’s just that, somehow, I had no discomfort at all silently digesting alone the emotions and secrets from seven years ago. Suddenly, Gan Ling climbed from the sea of bitterness onto my narrow boat and shared those feelings with me. I accepted the reality of her drifting alongside me on that secret. Then she abruptly went off to another boat by herself.
But I’ve always known that Gan Ling would charge toward her goals—obsessively gloomy, advancing relentlessly without looking back, with no reason to stop for me. It’s just that I’m fantasizing she’ll soften because of me, give up, be persuaded, and embrace a new life… It’s just a fantasy.
Suddenly, the loneliness of having remained silent for the past seven years became unbearable.
I ran my hand through my hair, and the glass reflected a stranger—me.
