Chapter 49: This Old Monk Just Wants to Toy with You

I could never shake off the feeling that this swimming pool was like a massive plastic greenhouse. After showering and jumping into the water, I felt like a hydroponically grown vegetable, my legs turned into floating roots.

There weren’t many people around—maybe because Liujia Village was so remote and word about this resort hadn’t spread yet, or maybe because elementary and middle schools weren’t on break, or perhaps because it was a weekday. In any case, the huge pool reeked of disinfectant, and I was quite a distance from the nearest person. Gan Ling sat in the corner hugging a plastic swimming ring shaped like a brown bear. Some off-duty Jiaxing Supermarket employees greeted her, splashed water with their feet, sprawled on the wet pool edge, muttered a few words, then shrieked and giggled with their companions as they floated off to the other side.

I didn’t know how to swim, so I clutched the swimming ring and flailed at the water randomly, dipping my hands in until they pruned up, then holding them out for Gan Ling to see.

Gan Ling stayed perched on the pool edge the whole time, her feet dangling in the water. The noisy laughter of others buzzed in her ears, echoing hollow and sacred-like in the glass enclosure, lingering like the final scene of a movie before the credits roll.

Gan Ling wouldn’t get in the water, but she was probably the only one in the group who actually knew how to swim. She pushed me from behind with the swimming ring, and I drifted around in the water like a corpse.

After playing for a bit, my ten fingers were wrinkled like freshly soaked dried tofu sticks. I wrapped myself in a towel and climbed out. Gan Ling had already bought two bottles of Screaming. After chugging one down, my fingers felt normal again. I rinsed the bottle and dove back in, unscrewed the cap, and filled it with water.

Gan Ling knew exactly what I was up to. She propped herself up with both hands and looked down, eyes lowered. “Don’t splash me.”

A bottle of Screaming was perfect for a water fight.

I didn’t think Gan Ling was in a great mood, but if I stared at her too long, she’d immediately pull some dangerous stunt—like snatching my swimming ring, deliberately dunking me, or shoving me to the middle of the pool so I’d flail back hand over foot, helpless and scrambling—just to burn through my attention.

I raised the bottle, thought for a second, and said, “Demon, if I call you, dare you answer?”

Gan Ling stared silently at the bottle mouth, then shifted her gaze to me, a long-absent gloominess clouding her expression.

I sheepishly lowered the bottle, realizing that playing this gag at twenty-seven was pretty lame for a girl like me. I slowly drifted toward the center of the pool.

But Gan Ling suddenly dove in like a fish leaping into the water and snatched the plastic bottle from my hand.

I yelped. Gan Ling squeezed the Screaming bottle hard, spraying water right in my face. I could barely open my eyes, so I resorted to cheating, scooping handfuls of water and splashing wildly.

That evening, as Gan Ling gently swabbed her ear canal with a dry cotton swab, I felt a twinge of guilt. “Don’t clean inside your ears with cotton swabs. It’ll block them up.”

Gan Ling covered her ear and said nothing, sitting cross-legged against the headboard, tilting her head repeatedly and patting her palm against it, as if trying to shake the water out.

I rummaged through my backpack and pulled out my little toolkit.

I’d brought ear picks, tweezers, needles and thread, buttons, alcohol swabs, Band-Aids… all sorts of handy gadgets crammed into a palm-sized plastic box. Gan Ling took it from me, tilting her head to drain water while inspecting it, eyeing the lid with its super cute little bunny.

I wiped the ear pick with an alcohol swab, climbed onto the foot of the bed, glanced at the overhead light, and beckoned Gan Ling over.

Sure, the internet said not to clean your own ears, but out here in the sticks, there were no hospitals around—not even a clinic without a ninety-minute drive. Beggars can’t be choosers. I’d been doing my own ears for over twenty years, always gentle and precise.

Gan Ling scooted over. Her waterlogged ear was bothering her, so she sat silently, brow furrowed.

I tugged her earlobe to angle it for a better view inside, spread a couple of wet wipes on my knee, and had her tilt her face slightly.

Her upper body leaned over, struggling to balance. She shifted her supporting pose with effort, placing one hand on my leg before quickly moving it away.

“It’s fine. Just prop yourself with your elbow… Yeah, like that angle. Don’t move.”

My movements were light. It wasn’t my first time cleaning someone else’s ears, so I wasn’t too nervous. I knew my limits.

Gan Ling had an ear piercing right in the center of her thin lobe, currently empty. I’d pinched her earlobe red; when I let go, she rubbed it and switched to the other ear.

My reliability was proven on the left ear. By the right, Gan Ling started talking.

“Next week, when you go out with that male coworker, you can say no.”

This familiar topic again. I lightened my touch even more, held my breath, and only replied after a moment. “I want to go.”

“But you don’t like him, do you?”

“Yeah, but I want to date someone.”

I channeled a bit of Zhu Erting’s shamelessness, but when I said it out loud, I froze. Gan Ling immediately sat up straight and glared at me. “Don’t just… because you want to date someone…”

Familiar words again. But this woman—when it came to her own business, she dodged and weaved, yet here she was lecturing me.

She was the one who’d dumped this on me in the first place.

Of course, I didn’t dare snap back at Gan Ling face-to-face. Instead, I went for maximum sarcasm: “Well then, you, you, what about that? I’m just… uh…”

My sarcasm flopped. No experience. I choked, head spinning, and blurted it out directly. “I’m not getting married anyway.”

“By then, it won’t be up to you.”

“I’m not some hardcore single-by-choice type… For me, being single is just meh, nothing great about it. So why not try dating? What if it’s good? If not, I’ll just break up. I can’t lock myself away just because I’m scared… scared he might have issues, right? Give him a shot?”

“Don’t you get along okay with yourself?”

“Stop asking! Not done yet. Come on!” I patted my thigh. Gan Ling offered her right ear; I pinched it, took a deep breath, finished the job, packed up, and burrowed under the covers.

Gan Ling had already slid in, eyes narrowed. “Lights out.”

“I’m not sleepy yet!”

“Get me some water.”

I threw off the covers again and went down. Just as I climbed back on, Gan Ling casually directed me like it was nothing: Check if tomorrow’s stuff was ready, if we had change, if the bathroom had any weird noises, if anyone was knocking outside, if the alarm was set, if the clothes were hung properly, if that router light was a camera…

I went back and forth several times, fuming as I finally dove under the covers, vowing that if Gan Ling bossed me around again, I’d play dead asleep.

Under the blanket, Gan Ling jabbed me with her elbow. I was about to throw off the covers and tussle with her.

Still with her eyes closed, Gan Ling said, “Mad, huh?”

“You think? I… Whatever, I’m such a pushover!” I flung off the blanket, slipped on my slippers, stomped over to a dining chair, and sulked.

“Get me a motion sickness pill—”

“You’re about to sleep. Why take motion sickness meds now?”

I gave it anyway, hurling both the lozenge and the preemptive three-hour pill onto the bed.

“I want my bag—”

I grabbed the bag and plonked it down over the covers, hoping it’d sink in enough to smother her.

She actually sat up, rummaged inside, and pulled out two packs of spicy chicken feet, handing them to me. “Put them on the table. Eat with breakfast tomorrow.”

“Couldn’t you just ask me to put the chicken feet on the table directly? Did you invite me out just to mess with me? Fine!”

As I did it, I thought of how Lu Da, the Flower Monk, had punched Zheng Guanxi: all righteous fury with “This old monk just wants to toy with you.” Seemed like Gan Ling had a bit of that vibe too. No clue what I’d said to set her off this time. I stayed as calm as possible, running more errands for her. Finally, Gan Ling sighed. “Alright, sleep.”

It was over at last. As I lay down, I still had the illusion of Gan Ling nagging nonstop by my ear, assigning tasks.

Deep breaths, a few times.

Gan Ling suddenly said, “This is what dating is like. Or, well, marriage.”