Chapter 55: You Don’t Understand Me At All

After waking up, this world was filled with news about Li Yongquan.

My phone had somehow gotten charged at some point and was now buzzing away. The time showed 11:30 AM. Before Li Yongquan called the police, I’d replied in the group chat.

Jiang Huixiang: Sorry, I’ve gone back to Neng County. I made you all worry.

Li Yongquan: Why’d you suddenly run back like that?!

Liu Ming: ??

I don’t want to recount what came after that.

I knew suddenly running back to Neng County was a big issue. Gan Ling had said they’d be angry no matter what when I got back—whether I said hello or not, it was the same. No need to take it to heart. Be a little more selfish.

I’d been taught the lesson of selfishness. In the afternoon, I was still apologizing for not telling them in advance, but by evening, I’d changed my tone: I had something come up suddenly and went back to Neng County. Anyway, things weren’t that fun with you two anymore, so there’s no point asking more. We’ve always been splitting bills AA-style. I don’t owe you money, so keep having fun and don’t worry about me.

“I feel like… even if this got posted online, it’d still make me look bad.” I set down my phone. Gan Ling was supervising me not to apologize. I racked my brains to play dead inside. The foot soak water had gone cold. Gan Ling tossed in a medicinal pack, added some hot water, and took the chance to glance down at what I’d sent. She figured the topic was done and took away the phone.

“You’re not like going out to play with some online buddies.” Gan Ling said.

“But I did cause trouble for those two…”

“Jiang Xiaohui.” Gan Ling raised her voice. I didn’t dare respond right away. I kept my head down, racking my brains for bad things about those two, trying to make my selfishness feel justified.

I could think of stuff for Liu Ming. For Li Yongquan, I didn’t feel like he’d done anything wrong.

“I just think Liu Ming is kinda off-putting, kinda uncomfortable… a bit gross. Then, I told Li Yongquan about it, but Li Yongquan didn’t take it seriously. But the issue itself is just me being overly sensitive. It’s not a big deal. It’s just me…”

“What made you uncomfortable?”

I told Gan Ling about Liu Ming licking that roasted sausage up on Le Mountain.

Gan Ling raised an eyebrow. “That’s pretty gross. Was it a sexual innuendo?”

“I don’t know what he was thinking… Li Yongquan said that’s just how he is.” I felt like I was being overly sensitive, not understanding enough. We’d agreed to have fun together, but I bailed midway. No matter how you look at it, that doesn’t seem like normal person behavior… Just because the other guy was gross, did that mean I had to get revenge in an even grosser way?

Gan Ling handed the phone back to me. “You felt uncomfortable.”

“I’ve been kinda overly sensitive lately…” My thoughts were a mess, and I accidentally inverted my sentence.

“It’s got nothing to do with being overly sensitive. If you felt uncomfortable, that’s his problem.”

Gan Ling laid down the conclusion like some psychologist, full of conviction. After I finished soaking my feet, she tossed me a pair of new slippers with a slap.

Messages were still popping up in the group one after another. Liu Ming had started grilling me, using some pretty nasty words—saying I’d strung them along and then ghosted, full of green tea vibes and all that. His words were all over the place, full of abbreviations and internet slang. I couldn’t keep up with the later ones and didn’t bother looking.

Li Yongquan, on the other hand, private messaged me: Did Liu Ming do something to upset you?

Li Yongquan: But you can’t just up and leave like that. If there’s something, we need to communicate.

Li Yongquan: You just ditched me like that. I’m really hurt. I feel like you didn’t consider other people’s feelings at all.

Gan Ling happened to catch sight of that line. She grabbed the AC remote, hopped onto the bed, leaned against the wall, and let out a cold laugh. “See, this is how you should grill other people: ‘You didn’t consider my feelings at all, you selfish jerk!'”

She lowered her voice, held up a pinky like an orchid finger, and mockingly imitated some eunuch-like figure. She pointed at me and concluded, “The one who can blurt that out first to get the upper hand is the real selfish jerk. See?”

I didn’t take Li Yongquan’s words too seriously. I’d always accepted criticism at face value, sincerely thinking he was right. I really hadn’t considered his feelings. Under that mysterious atmosphere’s spell, I didn’t even know how I’d smoothly pulled off that whole sequence to run back to Neng County.

But Gan Ling suddenly started mocking coldly, imitating and lecturing, even using hand gestures. Her usual aloof expression suddenly came alive. She was just telling me to be a bit more selfish.

This woman always said she was a selfish mother, a selfish woman—but in my eyes, aside from that stubborn phase when she insisted on confronting the killer tailing me, coming off as selfish, cold, and obsessive, the rest of the time she was practically selfless: staying up all night, fulfilling my wishes, rushing to the train station to pick me up. If selfishness was a course, she was a terrible teacher—her words and actions didn’t match. I could only learn other things from her.

So, at this point, how was I supposed to resolve it? The apology route was blocked by Gan Ling. I couldn’t rewind from running back to Neng County to that hotel king bed. Liu Ming had blown up, posting my WeChat ID on his Moments with a long rant calling me out. I turned off friend requests. Li Yongquan at least had some sense of justice and got him to delete that post, but Li Yongquan still wanted a resounding apology from me—

I looked at Gan Ling. She shook her head. “Be selfish. Care about your own feelings.”

How selfish did I have to be to graduate from Gan Ling’s school?

“Play dead. Block him.”

No way. Li Yongquan and I were still coworkers. We’d see each other every day after this. I couldn’t make things that stiff.

“The issue is this, Jiang Xiaohui: You were uncomfortable. Has he apologized to you for it?”

“It’s not Li Yongquan’s fault.”

“But you running back was reasonable.” Gan Ling waved her arm, explaining it super simply. “I get it. You’re imagining some online stranger, a bunch of centrists watching this drama. Turn it into a little essay, post it on some Twitter knockoff, let everyone judge. Most people would say you’re the problem. And you’d think, emotionally and logically, you’re in the wrong, so you apologize—right?”

I thought it over carefully and nodded.

“Heh.” Gan Ling sneered. “The problem is, the rubberneckers know jack shit. They’re not you. Let me say something harsh: If that Liu Ming guy wasn’t just licking sausages all lewdly but had actually groped you, would some netizens support you then? Would you staunchly refuse to apologize?”

I hesitated, but yeah, probably.

“So the issue is, whether he’s groping you or just making some gross lewd gesture at you, you’re uncomfortable either way. Why is the latter not ‘uncomfortable’ enough to count? Why is it just you being overly sensitive?”

I opened my mouth, but Gan Ling was like a passionate debater now, slamming her points at the host and audience with resounding force.

And I couldn’t help but press the button on my little voting remote to give her my vote.

“You can’t ignore your own feelings just because others say you’re making a big deal out of nothing, overly sensitive, can’t play nice, too touchy, easily offended… You’re uncomfortable. Your heart already warned you. Do you have to wait for Liu Ming to grope you or even that scumbag to force himself—”

Gan Ling swallowed the last word. I stared at her in horror, unable to imagine that scenario on me. The woman immediately covered her mouth and apologized softly. “Sorry, I got carried away for a sec… Anyway, my point is, they don’t respect you. You have reason to be angry. You need to toughen up…”

It was the first time I’d seen Gan Ling this flustered, like that hypothetical was some vicious curse. As she spoke, she sat up on her knees, shifting toward me all at a loss. I quickly said it was fine, Liu Ming hadn’t done anything, I was okay. I’d block him right now.

But blocking Liu Ming didn’t seem to undo that curse. Gan Ling fumbled to say something to cover it up, but after a moment, she just pursed her lips tight and kept wiping my forehead over and over with her fingers, like she was casting some blessing spell to counter that sentence.

“When you feel uncomfortable, you have to refuse.” She just emphasized it again.

I wanted to lighten the suddenly tense atmosphere and cracked a joke. “Like right now?”

Gan Ling’s eyes flew wide open. She let go like she’d been burned by hot coals and let out an involuntary “Ah!”

I hurried to explain, “You’re rubbing so hard, it feels like you’re gonna scrub off a layer of dirt…”

Looking down at my sweaty forehead that had nothing to scrub off, I felt like I’d said the wrong thing. After an awkward pause, I changed the subject, opened WeChat, and showed Gan Ling how I blocked Liu Ming right in front of her.

“I still oughta apologize to Li Yongquan… He didn’t do anything wrong. My apology would be for bailing midway without telling him ahead of time…”

I mumbled. Logically and emotionally, putting myself, Li Yongquan, and Liu Ming on trial, I’d bang the gavel and sentence myself to apologize to Li Yongquan. Whatever came after, whatever.

As I kept my head down organizing my words to message him on WeChat, Gan Ling suddenly said, “How do you not get it at all?”

I looked up. Gan Ling had turned her face away. “Do you know how scared I was these past few days? You won’t refuse anything, you don’t eat properly, you chase after losses. I’m worried about you like you’re my daughter, you—”

I’d typed half the apology, already a mess inside, and now I couldn’t type another word.

I set the phone screen-down on the side, thought for a bit, and still habitually apologized: “Sorry, I didn’t consider your feelings…”

“Jiang Xiaohui, when are you going to learn to cherish yourself?”

I froze for a moment: “I… I don’t not cherish myself. I just… pay more attention to…”

I’m no good at refusing people, and I get all tongue-tied—the more anxious I am, the less I know what to say. Gan Ling’s question left me all flustered. Am I not cherishing myself? Was going out with Li Yongquan in the first place already proof of my lack of self-love, so everything uncomfortable that came after was just my comeuppance?

Suddenly, I felt incredibly upset. I slowly fished out my still-damp socks and pulled them on, then blindly shoved my feet into my shoes, stomping a few times before they finally fit. Gan Ling asked, “Where are you going?”

“I feel unwell. I want to go out.” I immediately put what Gan Ling had taught me into practice—right on her. I got up and walked out of the courtyard. That strange consciousness’s heavy shadow came crashing toward me, smothering my face like twilight, a suffocating wave of muggy heat surging over me.

I felt so sad.

I didn’t know why I’d insisted on going out with Li Yongquan in the first place, and I didn’t know why I’d come back. Looking back on my actions, I’d always been spineless. The moment I tried to take the initiative on something, it all fell apart.

I wasn’t mad at Gan Ling. I was just so sad. I was twenty-seven, and I still hadn’t molted into a proactive adult.

My world was a total mess. I didn’t even know what I wanted.

A swirl of chaos was all that guided me. I vaguely felt like I’d grasped something—I was just about to seize it—when it suddenly vanished.

It wasn’t that I didn’t cherish myself. I desperately wanted to explain, I felt so wronged. But that faint sensation, that fear pouncing toward me as a warning, told me: explain to anyone you like, just don’t pour out your grievances to Gan Ling.

I turned back. Gan Ling stood at the doorway with her arms crossed, watching me silently.

I opened my mouth, but Gan Ling apologized first, lowering her eyes: “Sorry, I phrased it poorly. I didn’t mean you’re… not self-loving. What I meant was, you care too much about other people’s feelings. I want you to learn how to just think about yourself…”

“Like what?”

“I can tell you want to snap at me,” Gan Ling said, looking down and picking at her nails for a bit before lifting her head calmly. “But you’re in the habit of holding it in.”

“Don’t talk like you know me inside and out.”

“I do know you.”

The woman spoke with utter conviction, arrogant and certain as always, handing down a verdict I couldn’t argue with.

I got so mad that I flung all my warnings and frustrations to the back of my mind. An answer I’d buried so deep even I hadn’t realized it existed burst out of me: “You don’t understand me at all! I only agreed to go out with Li Yongquan because of you! You didn’t give a damn about my feelings—”

I startled myself and clapped a hand over my mouth.

Right now, Gan Ling and I weren’t at the point of dredging up the past—of holding her secretly meeting Zheng Chenggang against her.

We’d tacitly shelved that incident from seven years ago. I shouldn’t be the one to bring it up.