Being pinned down by her girlfriend, starting to cry before anything even happened, and then being unable to perform… thinking about it carefully, was profoundly embarrassing.
Gu Xizhou simply emptied her mind. Pretending nothing had happened, she feigned unconsciousness, collapsing right there in Su Zhiyi’s arms.
“Playing asleep” was a good tactic, and she was indeed utterly exhausted, body and soul. Pillowed against Su Zhiyi’s soft chest, she soon drifted off, letting out light snores.
Su Zhiyi felt a surge of tenderness, like a young mother holding her tormented daughter, accepting everything about her with a forgiving embrace.
Gu Xizhou’s breathing steadied. Su Zhiyi leaned down and kissed her cheek, whispering softly, “Goodnight, Xizhou.”
May you have sweet dreams.
Waking up after a good cry, Gu Xizhou sorted through her feelings. She realized that if things continued developing like this, she would either destroy Su Zhiyi, or torment herself to death as love and hatred, unable to cancel each other out, tore her apart.
For Su Zhiyi’s own good, Gu Xizhou got out of bed and prepared one last, sumptuous breakfast for her.
Su Zhiyi woke to the scent of food. After freshening up, she walked into the kitchen wearing a long white button-down shirt, her smooth, long legs bare, and hugged Gu Xizhou from behind.
The early autumn morning light was beautiful, filtering cool and clear through the window screen into the kitchen.
The air was slightly chilly. Gu Xizhou stood ramrod straight in front of the stove, her back scorched by the body heat behind her, too tense to speak.
Su Zhiyi clasped her hands around Gu Xizhou’s waist, poking her head out from behind her shoulder, grinning. “Waking up so early on a rest day? What delicious things are you making?”
Unless one was a born sociopath, utterly oblivious to the emotions of others, it was near impossible to remain unmoved by the goodwill of another person.
Being cared for, being worried about, being loved… even the worst villain has their own savior.
Besides, Gu Xizhou was no villain at all.
She was cowardly, but not cowardly enough. She was righteous and brave, but never used that kindness on herself. Her hatred was unsteady, her love just as unsteady.
She was just an ordinary person.
An ordinary person on a morning like this, held in the arms of her sweet, angelic lover, would feel joy a hundred percent of the time. Gu Xizhou was no exception.
She briefly forgot the unpleasantness of the previous night, flipping the frying eggs in the pan, answering Su Zhiyi who was clinging to her: “I’ve made congee, and I’m frying eggs.”
“The kitchen’s full of oil fumes. You should wait outside.”
Su Zhiyi laughed and pecked Gu Xizhou on the cheek. Reaching up to ruffle her loose, medium-length hair, she sounded utterly delighted: “No, I want to stay right here with you.”
Gu Xizhou couldn’t persuade her otherwise. All morning, she let Su Zhiyi hold her, following behind like a little tail, the two of them moving around the kitchen like conjoined twins.
The two of them “worked” together. After a good while, Gu Xizhou brought a lavish breakfast to the table.
Breakfast included minced pork with green beans, fried eggs, fried dough sticks, golden fried mantou buns, pan-fried dumplings, and some side dishes, all accompanying a seafood and shrimp congee. As the array of small plates was laid out on the table, Su Zhiyi clapped her hands in exclamation: “Wow, Xizhou, you’re amazing.”
Gu Xizhou smiled, pulling out a chair to sit beside her. “Then eat a lot, since I’m so amazing.”
Throughout this breakfast, Gu Xizhou’s mind was elsewhere.
She was constantly searching for the right opening, a way to explain last night’s events to Su Zhiyi. She wanted to tell Su Zhiyi she wanted to break up, to confess that she had only approached her because of Su Nanfeng’s bullying.
She wanted to say that everything Su Zhiyi liked was a mask. The real her was nothing more than a patch of sludge on the ground, rotting filth.
Everything Su Nanfeng had done to her made it impossible for her to accept an intimate relationship. She could feel desire, have physical reactions driven by affection, pheromones, all of it.
She could even vent her lust on Su Zhiyi like a beast, but she couldn’t offer the comfort of “love.”
They weren’t Romeo and Juliet. Her hatred for Su Nanfeng was too deep, so deep she couldn’t focus on the word “love.” Her entire being was a concentration of resentment that would eventually tear Su Zhiyi apart.
But she couldn’t bring herself to speak.
She lacked the courage.
She was too used to pretending, to hiding alone in the darkness for so long. Sudden exposure to sunlight would burn her like a vampire struck by daylight, easily destroying her body and soul.
Ultimately, why did anyone think confessing to their partner—”I lost my first time because someone assaulted me”—was an easy thing to do?
Aren’t they afraid?
Aren’t they terrified that the person they love most will look at them with strange eyes and call them “disgusting”?
An Alpha violated by another Alpha—that in itself was a humiliation. And the greater humiliation was that she had actually fallen in love with the perpetrator’s sister.
Gu Xizhou even thought darkly: According to the law of the jungle in this world, I’m truly weak. If I had just assaulted Su Zhiyi directly from the start, then told her everything that happened to her was karma for her sister’s evil deeds, and then just zipped up and left… wouldn’t that be more fitting?
If Su Zhiyi were a woman like Su Nanfeng, she might be able to do it. But Su Zhiyi wasn’t.
But even if Su Zhiyi were a foolish, unsympathetic, selfish woman, utterly devoid of any spark of human decency—would that make it justifiable for Gu Xizhou to assault her?
What did this have to do with Su Zhiyi?
It was like Su Nanfeng, starved for love, ultimately demanding it from Gu Xizhou. There was no substantial cause and effect.
In fact, although Su Zhiyi was Su Nanfeng’s sister, Su Zhiyi hadn’t ordered Su Nanfeng to commit the assault.
But emotionally, Gu Xizhou couldn’t accept it.
Otherwise, why would there be so many stories in novels where “one person harmed another, but the victim ends up exterminating the perpetrator’s entire family”?
She just hated! Hated so fiercely she gnashed her teeth, hated so deeply it was etched into her bones.
Su Zhiyi being Su Nanfeng’s sister, in Gu Xizhou’s eyes, was an unforgivable original sin.
Gu Xizhou felt she had messed everything up terribly. She felt awful now, her stomach cramping, making her slightly nauseous.
She had been silent for too long. Su Zhiyi across from her clearly sensed her unhappiness. Su Zhiyi assumed it was still about last night, but it was daytime now—awkward to bring up late-night matters abruptly.
Su Zhiyi thought carefully, then called softly, “Xizhou…”
Over the years, Gu Xizhou had grown accustomed to Su Zhiyi’s calls. No matter when, she could instantly snap back to attention and respond. “What is it?”
She looked over at Su Zhiyi, her eyes still carrying traces of bewilderment.
Su Zhiyi considered it carefully, a smile in her eyes, her tone gentle. “You woke up so early today, the day stretches out so long ahead of us. Why don’t you skip burying yourself in your thesis at home this time, okay?”
Though Gu Xizhou’s emotions were still in disarray, she still reflexively answered: “What do you want to do then?”
“Hmm…” Su Zhiyi thought for a moment, then gave her answer: “Let’s go see a movie.”
“Okay.”
Thus, the two went to see a movie.
Gu Xizhou agonized all morning but still couldn’t get the word “breakup” out of her mouth. During the movie, Gu Xizhou kept thinking that she was a despicable person. She clearly didn’t love Su Zhiyi with such pure devotion, yet she reveled in Su Zhiyi’s wholehearted adoration.
At times, she even twisted things in her mind: Su Nanfeng treated me this way, and in the end, her little sister still has to pay the debt.
Couldn’t I just look at it differently? From now on, I’ll be with Su Zhiyi. I’ll “control” her, “torment” her. Su Nanfeng will be powerless, and she’ll go mad just the same.
Ah, I really am so dark.
With a pile of things weighing on her mind, Gu Xizhou was distracted throughout the movie, not even registering what ridiculous plot was playing out on the big screen.
When the movie ended, Su Zhiyi’s eyes were swollen from crying. Gu Xizhou herself felt nothing.
For lunch, they found a restaurant. Throughout the meal, Su Zhiyi kept talking about the film: “The female lead was so cowardly in the first half. She clearly liked her boss, but because the other person came from a family with high social status and already had a fiancée, she didn’t dare to confess her feelings.”
“It was clearly mutual love, yet they stubbornly missed each other for twenty years.”
Gu Xizhou knew that when someone was enthusiastically talking, you just needed to go along with it. She cut the steak on her plate, thinking idly: So it was a cliché, cheesy love story.
Unexpectedly, Su Zhiyi’s tone shifted. Her eyes still glistening, she spoke with deep emotion: “But the second female lead was really incredible.”
“She and the main lead found the clues together, captured the Alpha who cruelly murdered her lover. But because that Alpha had coincidentally saved a high-ranking government official during a political upheaval and gained that official’s favor, he escaped legal judgment.”
“The main lead fell into despair, was even persecuted and forced to flee to another city. But the second female lead never gave up on punishing the murderer.”
At this point, Su Zhiyi grew excited, her voice rising slightly: “In the end, the second female lead actually managed to kidnap that Alpha. She locked him up deep in the remote countryside mountains. She refused to speak a single word to him, and literally drove him insane.”
Having said this, she thought of the character’s ultimate fate, and her tone turned somber: “But at the same time, she became a living cage herself, living in isolation for twenty years, contacting no one.”
Su Zhiyi sighed, voicing her sentiment: “Sometimes you wonder—did the second female lead succeed in her revenge, or was she shackled by hatred, imprisoned together with the murderer for twenty years?”
“Is that kind of revenge truly worth it?”
Gu Xizhou’s hand paused. She vaguely understood what kind of film this was: I underestimated it; it was a detective crime thriller exploring human nature.
After a moment of thought, Gu Xizhou, uncharacteristically, joined the conversation: “If I were that second female lead, of course I’d think it was worth it.”
Su Zhiyi blinked, asking Gu Xizhou: “Do you mean to say, if someone killed me one day and the murderer escaped legal justice, you would choose that method for revenge?”
Gu Xizhou’s heart clenched painfully. She looked at Su Zhiyi deeply, her expression grave. “Su Zhiyi, don’t make such terrifying hypotheticals. Even if you must, make it a good one.”
She couldn’t bear to hear such things. If she had her way, she wished Su Zhiyi would never suffer any harm in her lifetime.
Su Zhiyi laughed, showing a placating expression: “Sorry, sorry. I was just making an assumption. Don’t be so angry.”
Gu Xizhou glared at her. It was a long moment before she spoke: “If my story were that kind of story, I would indeed use that method to seek justice for my beloved.”
Su Zhiyi was puzzled: “Why?”
Gu Xizhou considered her words carefully before answering: “Foucault has a famous saying: ‘The soul is the prison of the body.'”
“This implies that punishing a person’s spirit is far more effective and severe than simply destroying their physical body. This is a firm belief held by some members within the ‘abolitionist’ camp in modern penology.”
“Of course, nowadays ‘abolitionists’ mostly serve as tools for the rich and powerful, so let’s leave that aside for now.”
For self-preservation, Gu Xizhou had studied law for a considerable period. She held back her emotions and spoke softly, deliberately: “In punishment, physical toil, labor, and reformation are merely ways to numb the spirit through repetitive hardship, to achieve enlightenment and repentance. That is also a form of spiritual punishment.”
“But to imprison someone for over twenty years without speaking a word to them is a far harsher method.”
Gu Xizhou’s voice was very clear, her words flowing like a gentle, trickling stream. Su Zhiyi loved this part of her too.
She loved listening to Gu Xizhou speak, loved her learned and intelligent demeanor, and loved her righteous, imposing figure when she stood for justice.
Su Zhiyi put down her knife and fork, propped her chin on both hands, her eyes sparkling as she gazed at her. “Mm, go on.”
“Please, Professor Gu Xizhou, do elaborate. Teach this shallow, ignorant student of yours well.”
