“I know what you want to do, but if I give in now,
When the nightmare strikes again, what I fear isn’t myself, but that there’ll be no one left to answer you afterward.”
—
One morning, Nan Jia swept through the coffee table’s bags of chips like a whirlwind, devouring more than half of them. Now, she felt so stuffed that she couldn’t even manage another sip of water, let alone a meal.
By the time Ren Sanliu finished washing up and getting dressed to drive Nan Jia back to school, Xiang Yu finally emerged leisurely from the secondary bedroom. She had her phone tucked into her neckline and a clean set of clothes draped over her arm, heading for the bathroom to shower.
No one knew what the person on the other end of the phone said, but Xiang Yu laughed.
She looked better with a bit of weight on her—some flesh on her face made her dimples stand out more when she smiled.
Once Xiang Yu entered the bathroom and closed the door,
Nan Jia spoke up—
“How tall is she?”
Ren Sanliu froze for a moment before answering after a long pause—
“176.”
They both left the apartment and took the elevator down to the garage, but Ren Sanliu still seemed out of it.
She sat in the driver’s seat, her mind who-knows-where, her hand gripping the steering wheel. Her furrowed brows looked dazed and heavy, like a plush blanket tossed into a rainstorm, twisted and tangled without a shred of vitality.
Seeing Ren Sanliu like this—her soul scattered to the winds—Nan Jia truly thought her sister had no backbone. It was just seeing her smile once; what was the big deal?
But then again, Nan Jia had never seen Ren Sanliu like this before.
Ever since Ren Sanliu left Huaqing for Jingbei, she’d cut ties completely with her past—even changing her name. Nan Jia’s mom always said her sister had been reborn, and at first, Nan Jia believed it. But now, it seemed like she hadn’t shed those bones cleanly; she’d just hidden the most important one away in a dark little room she didn’t even allow herself to enter easily.
Suddenly, Xiang Yu’s face popped into Nan Jia’s mind. When she looked at Ren Sanliu again, a thought sprang up—
What if they hadn’t broken up back then? What would things be like now?
With a click, Nan Jia pulled out a lighter and fiddled with it in her hand.
“You want a smoke?” Ren Sanliu asked.
“You got one for me?”
Nan Jia shrugged. The lighter gleamed silver, with a line of Roman lettering engraved in the bottom right corner.
Ren Sanliu remembered—this was a gift from the girl Nan Jia had a crush on before. Unfortunately, the girl was straight and went traveling with her boyfriend right after giving it. Nan Jia had cried her eyes out back then.
She thought Nan Jia had thrown it away long ago, but here she was, carrying it around.
“I don’t have any smokes, and you shouldn’t either. If your aunt finds out again, you’ll get an earful.”
Ren Sanliu didn’t smoke. She disliked the taste of nicotine and the brief dizziness from carbon monoxide—it made her feel like she was losing control of her mind.
That was just how she was: staying alert at all times was an instinct ingrained in her bones.
“I’ve quit too.”
Nan Jia had only smoked during the height of high school stress. After getting into university, she’d smoke occasionally for fun. Her crush had seen her do it and bought her this lighter, saying it was pretty… Nan Jia had nearly confessed in excitement, but luckily she’d stayed clear-headed enough not to. Otherwise… it would’ve been a joke.
“Then why not quit completely? You don’t smoke, so why carry the lighter?”
“It’s pretty~ No deal doesn’t mean no goodwill. I can’t just cut off a friend because she’s straight, right? And… even if she liked girls, if she didn’t like me, would I still ghost her?”
As Nan Jia spoke, she tucked the lighter back into her bag and changed the subject—
“Actually, Xiang Yu’s pretty great too… You were so cold back then; anyone else would’ve run. But not only did she not run, she kept sticking to you. And me? I kept messing things up between you two. I chased her away so many times when she came looking for you, but she never got mad at me. Whenever she had something tasty or fun, she still thought of me…”
“So, she bought you off?” Ren Sanliu smiled.
“You’re underestimating me. Do you think your little sister is that easy? I just saw how genuine she was to you~”
Nan Jia leaned over, shaking her head—
“She was so silly back then… I wouldn’t let her come find you, so she’d wait downstairs until it got dark. If it weren’t for Aunt—”
Before she finished, Nan Jia realized something and clamped her mouth shut, swallowing her words. Her face looked like a kid who’d done something wrong—panicked and at a loss.
“…I remember that time, it was my mom… Mom came home from work, saw her, and brought her upstairs. It was the dead of winter, right? Her face was purple from the cold.”
Ren Sanliu picked up the thread. At the red light, she even reached over to pat Nan Jia’s head.
She said nothing, but it felt like she’d said everything—
It’s in the past… all of it.
When the light turned green, Ren Sanliu lightly pressed the accelerator, easing the car forward.
“Nan Jia…”
“Hm?”
“Come stay over again tonight.”
Nan Jia blinked.
Ren Sanliu took a long breath in, then slowly let it out—
“We agreed she’d only stay here a month, but it’s been over two weeks now. Aside from last night… we haven’t really talked much otherwise. She’s still avoiding me, and nothing happened last night anyway.”
“Nothing happened? Then why’d you get up so late?”
“I told you… I feel safe with her around. That’s got nothing to do with whether anything happens or not.”
Nan Jia was dumbfounded, blurting out without thinking—
“Doesn’t she have issues or something?”
“Nan Jia—”
“No, no, I mean… You’re in the same place, same bed, and she doesn’t have any dirty thoughts?”
“My god… She really can hold back~”
Ren Sanliu didn’t want to discuss such intimate private matters with Nan Jia. She just wanted to bridge the gap between her and Xiang Yu quickly.
“Nan Jia, in one more week, she’s got to report back to the Police Station.”
This time, Nan Jia caught on fast and understood what Ren Sanliu meant—
“So, you want to settle things with her in this last week?”
“Yes.” Ren Sanliu was straightforward.
Nan Jia nodded and voiced what Ren Sanliu hadn’t—
“You want me to come over, so you’ll have an excuse to go to her room. Right?”
“Right.”
Nan Jia leaned back against the headrest. Before she could speak, Ren Sanliu added—
“Will you help?”
“Of course. How could I say no when you’re like this?”
“Then why the sigh?”
“I was just wondering… will her leg hold up? Sis… go easy on her~”
Ren Sanliu’s ear tips flushed red in an instant—
“Nan Jia, have you been single too long?”
Getting worked up already?
Was this still the sister who wouldn’t flinch if a mountain collapsed before her?
Nan Jia shook with laughter.
“Nan Jia—” Ren Sanliu’s neck turned red from the teasing.
“Okay, okay, no more joking. Seriously…” Nan Jia straightened up, her laughter fading. “Last question: her leg won’t have any aftereffects, right?”
But after asking, Nan Jia felt it was pointless. Looking at Ren Sanliu’s face and neck, flushed like overripe fruit, she pursed her lips—
“Forget it… Even if she had no arms or legs right now, you’d still be all about her.”
…
The call was from Wei Zhi.
Same old opener: asking about her situation with Ren Sanliu. If Xiang Yu showed any sign of impatience, ready to hang up, Wei Zhi would immediately trot out those same worn-out dad jokes to smooth things over.
Wei Zhi thought this girl was easy to placate—you go soft, she goes soft. But for some reason, when it came to Ren Sanliu, she wouldn’t budge, hard or soft.
“You’re really moving out?” Wei Zhi asked from the other end.
“Of course I am. It’s not like I don’t have a home. What does it look like, crashing at her place all the time?” Xiang Yu leaned against the headboard, a freshly opened can of soda water by her hand.
“You mean that doghouse of yours?”
“That’s your doghouse!”
Wei Zhi didn’t argue about the doghouse. She just told her—
“You sure Ren Sanliu will let you go? She went to a lot of trouble to get you in there.”
“That was all you guys egging it on. My injury’s healed; no more holding that over me.”
Xiang Yu sounded righteous.
“Fine, you’re stubborn. But… the gift I got for you two arrived. Even if you’re moving out, I’m still sending it over.”
“No need. Keep it yourself.”
With that, Xiang Yu hung up.
But who was Wei Zhi? She’d bought the gift; no way was she keeping it. Don’t want it? Tough, I’m sending it anyway.
—
At eight that evening, the person who’d left and come back during the day returned again.
Nan Jia had drunk a bit, her face flushed, head dizzy, steps light and wobbly.
Xiang Yu was in the secondary bedroom, Ren Sanliu in the study. Hearing the noise, they both came out to check.
Nan Jia ignored them, grabbed two cans of ice water from the fridge, and headed straight to the master bedroom. She slammed the door shut with a bang, moving with the familiarity of her own home.
“Your sister’s been drinking?”
In Xiang Yu’s memory, Nan Jia was still a little kid. Seeing her reeking of alcohol was a bit jarring.
“Looking for inspiration, probably. She gets a little tipsy now and then.”
Ren Sanliu’s voice was flat, matter-of-fact.
“No need to mind her. She’ll sleep it off.”
With that, she returned to the study.
Xiang Yu tilted her head, glancing around. She couldn’t pinpoint what felt off, but something was wrong.
Nearly eleven o’clock.
Ren Sanliu knocked on her door from outside—
“Xiang Yu, you asleep?”
“Nope.”
“Then I’m coming in.”
All the lights outside were off; only Xiang Yu’s room was still lit. This time, Ren Sanliu came empty-handed—no pillow in tow.
“You… need something?”
“Nan Jia locked the door, and the key’s inside. I can’t get in.”
As soon as she said it, Ren Sanliu stepped in, closing the door behind her. She leaned back against it, her clear, cool eyes shimmering.
Xiang Yu’s hand jerked, and her phone dropped onto the bed.
That’s what was off… She’d been waiting for this.
Ren Sanliu didn’t wait for Xiang Yu’s response. She moved quickly to the bed, lifted the covers, and slipped in, even claiming half of her pillow.
“Ren Sanliu, you’re not even pretending anymore, are you?” Xiang Yu eyed the woman beside her, who had already closed her eyes, determined to stay no matter what.
Ren Sanliu’s temple twitched.
Pretending?
Hadn’t she pretended enough these past days?
“So, are you kicking me out?”
“The old Xiang Yu wouldn’t have. She couldn’t bear to.”
The old one?
Xiang Yu nearly laughed until tears came.
The old Xiang Yu hadn’t just been unable to kick Ren Sanliu out—she’d chased shamelessly after her even when ignored.
Back then, Xiang Yu had truly loved Ren Dongliu so much.
Loved her enough to fill a whole notebook scribbling “Ren Dongliu” over and over, until her palm was stained black with ink that wouldn’t wash off.
Loved her enough to wait downstairs at her building until night fell completely, hands numb from cold, just for a glance from her window.
Loved her enough to sweat buckets before even holding her hand, to hug her without daring to squeeze too hard, afraid she’d vanish; to kiss her only after first tracing her silhouette with her eyes.
Loved her enough that every black speck she saw seemed like the mole at the corner of Ren Dongliu’s left eye.
Xiang Yu had loved Ren Dongliu that much…
And what did it get her?
Xiang Yu mentally swapped “Dong” for “San.”
The result: a humiliating breakup, a back turned without a single look back.
A damp fog hung between them.
Xiang Yu wouldn’t kick Ren Sanliu out, nor would she hurl more harsh words. She turned off the light, pulled the covers over, and lay down.
“Don’t use the word ‘drive away’ anymore. It doesn’t exist between us.”
“Back then, I agreed to the breakup too. The way you’re acting now… it makes it seem like I’m the one who can’t let go.”
Ren Sanliu opened her eyes, her expression unusually lonely, a longing chirping within it—
“Have you let go now?”
She touched Xiang Yu’s arm. It was dry, without any dampness. She wanted to touch her… and wanted her to touch back. She wanted to use her body to tell her… that she had truly changed.
But before she could act on it, a cold voice cut her off at the waist—
“Ren Sanliu, don’t let your name change be in vain. And don’t make me restart my mother’s police badge number for nothing.”
Ren Sanliu froze, her hand stiff like a petrified wax statue encased in ice.
Xiang Yu’s voice floated in the air, without a fixed point to land, like a drifting cuckoo bird.
Back then, now.
They were both refugees in their respective lives.
