Chapter 52: Win or Lose? Afraid I Won’t Pay Up? Part 1

“She couldn’t beg for forgiveness because she was innocent.

She was saving herself, just like her.”

—

Ren Sanliu pressed her lips to Xiang Yu’s eyes. Each distinct lash stood out clearly in the pitch-black night, illuminated by the moonlight spilling in from the window, stark in that faint, mottled silver glow.

They pricked against Ren Sanliu’s warm lips as she carefully traced them with the tip of her tongue. Xiang Yu’s lashes were long, enough for Ren Sanliu to savor, along with the wet, salty sweetness of her tears.

Ren Sanliu cradled Xiang Yu’s face, alternating gentle caresses from side to side.

After some time, Ren Sanliu finally swallowed all of Xiang Yu’s tears down her throat. Then, she released the elbow propping her up against the bedsheet. She didn’t lie back into the crook of Xiang Yu’s shoulder, even though Xiang Yu’s arm still rested on the back of her head. Instead, Ren Sanliu shifted to the side, creating some distance between their previously seamless intimacy.

Ren Sanliu closed her eyes, folded her hands over her stomach, and breathed quietly. After pouring out all the truths from her heart, her mind went blank. The room felt unusually silent. The moonlight that had been streaming in earlier had now hidden behind the clouds, plunging everything into darkness like an overturned inkstone, thick ink swallowing any hint of light.

But in that thick darkness, Ren Sanliu felt a strange relief… because it allowed her to hide her face and all the uneasy emotions etched there.

She was still that flawed person at heart. Even after speaking her truths, she couldn’t act against her true nature.

Ren Sanliu had grown accustomed to silence, to expressing her emotions only to receive no response in return. It wasn’t deliberate resistance; it was a survival skill ingrained by her upbringing. She had tried to forget it, but with little success. Through years of repression, what started as a tool for survival had become a fixed behavioral pattern, like a lab rat pressing a lever for food in a reward-punishment system.

The skill had turned into instinct, forged into her very blood and bones.

But at this moment… that familiar silence felt unbearable.

Xiang Yu hadn’t said a word—not even when Ren Sanliu had licked her tears away. She lay utterly still, eyes closed the whole time. Even as tears streamed endlessly from the corners into her hair, she showed no reaction. Xiang Yu seemed to have lost all sensory function, unmoved by the outside world, as if she hadn’t heard a thing Ren Sanliu had said.

Ren Sanliu’s heart clenched fiercely, a sudden urge to cry surging up.

After their intense lovemaking and her heartfelt confession from the depths of her soul, if they didn’t melt into a desperate embrace but instead sat in this mutual silence, it felt not just unbearably quiet, but cruelly so.

Ren Sanliu pursed her lips and broke the silence—

“Xiang Yu… I know I hurt you deeply. It can’t be fixed with a few words, or even by us going to bed last time or making love a few more times. It’s okay… no matter what you decide, I… I… I’ll accept it…”

“You… why did you change your name?”

Xiang Yu’s voice was soft, but her throat was dry, her lips trembling slightly as she spoke. She wasn’t heartless; she couldn’t remain unmoved after Ren Sanliu’s apology and confession.

During her silence, she had been thinking—about questions she’d wanted to ask since they first reunited.

“Is it because you wanted to forget the past and start over?”

Ren Sanliu took a deep breath. Xiang Yu’s voice carried a calm gentleness that grounded her earlier anxiety. Why she changed her name… it was like the butterfly effect: a butterfly flapping its wings in South America could trigger a tornado in Texas.

For some reason, Ren Sanliu thought of the dream she’d had that night. She dreamed of Ren Beng, her mother. That name had been given to her by Ren Beng. She didn’t understand why a mother would give her child such a name. Even without the long-term bond of a typical mother-daughter pair, no woman’s maternal instinct should curse her own daughter with something like that.

Now, Xiang Yu turned her body toward her, closing the distance Ren Sanliu had created with her approaching arm. She looked at Ren Sanliu—this woman with ironclad self-control no matter the situation. That very control made the vulnerability of her expressed emotions feel almost unreal.

Xiang Yu recalled high school, when Ren Sanliu had been nicknamed “monster” at school.

Seeing Ren Sanliu say nothing, Xiang Yu scooted even closer, leaning her head in. Her gaze traveled from Ren Sanliu’s profile lying on her arm to the hands folded over her lower belly. Those hands looked slender and delicate when still, but when they moved… they were so seductive. During their… time, Ren Sanliu had wrapped them around Xiang Yu’s neck, her nails digging into her skin more than once when Xiang Yu teased her on purpose. Xiang Yu’s neck still burned there.

“Hm?”

Xiang Yu placed her hand over Ren Sanliu’s, gripping it firmly. Perhaps because she had already explored Ren Sanliu inside and out, her words now carried none of the previous caution—like speaking through layers of clothing. There was only the bold directness of total honesty.

After all, she had tasted every part of her, hadn’t she?

“I know… you must really want me to pull you into my arms right now, to hear me whisper sweet nothings, or do something even more intense than before. You know I love you, that I can’t bear to lose you, and that I’m not the type to hold grudges over past mistakes. When I say I don’t blame you, I mean it. But… you have to finish saying everything on your mind first…”

“You should learn to be like me. I’m not perfect either, but at least I don’t bully myself or keep dwelling on my flaws. You call yourself cold, calculating, vile—but you never hurt anyone… Who doesn’t have a dark side? As for me… what you did doesn’t count as hurting me. You were just trying to save yourself and chose the wrong way. Besides… back then, I really couldn’t help you anyway.”

Xiang Yu had gone wild earlier, leaving her arms and fingers sore and numb, her eyelids heavy from crying. Strangely, she didn’t feel tired—instead, she felt a profound relaxation in body and soul.

The storm outside had stopped during their seven hours of frenzy. Now came the calm after the rain.

Xiang Yu slightly bent the arm under Ren Sanliu’s head, extending her fingers to idly stroke her soft earlobe.

Sweet, affectionate words could easily reignite the desire they had just sated—a good thing for body and mind. No one would refuse something that brought mutual pleasure.

Using physical craving to replace emotional confession—wasn’t that easier than dredging up the past? Xiang Yu could already picture Ren Sanliu’s seductive gaze and obedient, alluring curves again.

But no, she couldn’t. Physical pleasure only lasted in the moment; once over, the emptiness returned.

Xiang Yu craved Ren Sanliu’s body, but she craved the honesty of their souls merging even more.

“If you haven’t figured it out yet, I’ll go first.”

“I reactivated my mom’s police badge because I don’t want to run from it anymore. I never let it go, but I couldn’t bring it out into the open. You know my aunt… she was dead set on keeping me away. She transferred me from Jingbei to Huaqing. On the surface, it was to spare me the constant pity, but really, she wanted me far away—physically and mentally. After my parents died, she started planning everything. No matter what school I chose after graduation, she wouldn’t let me go there. She wanted me to go abroad and stay there.”

“Actually…”

Here, Xiang Yu paused. The hand stroking Ren Sanliu’s earlobe suddenly withdrew, along with her arm from under Ren Sanliu’s head. She propped herself up, hands planted on either side of Ren Sanliu’s head, hovering over her in a half-suspended position, staring deeply into her eyes.

“I should thank you. If you hadn’t broken up with me, I might still not know what I really want.”

“Me…?” Ren Sanliu’s mind was a mess, Xiang Yu’s fresh scent filling her nostrils.

“Yes, you… Right after we broke up, everything spiraled out of control. I had no heart for the college entrance exams. I thought you were too cruel—not just to me, but to yourself. There were even times I didn’t want to take the exams at all, just follow my aunt’s plans and go abroad. If you could run away, why couldn’t I? I’d go far from Huaqing, far from you, then come back someday successful, appearing before you arrogantly and paying back every bit of your cruelty. But every time that thought crossed my mind, I shot it down. Because I’d run before—I knew escape doesn’t work. It’s like a rotting wound on your body. Cover it up, pretend you don’t see it, and think it won’t hurt? No… it hurts, and it festers until you’re brave enough to cut it out with a knife, letting it bleed and grow new flesh. You’ll have an ugly scar, but… it’ll heal, and you won’t suffer anymore.”

Ren Sanliu listened to Xiang Yu’s words, gazing into her eyes—like shattered cold stars forming a constellation on her heart.

“So, you secretly changed your application behind your aunt’s back?” Ren Sanliu suddenly asked. “To prove to me that running isn’t just useless—it’s shameful? And when we met again, you’d shatter everything I did back then?”

Xiang Yu thought Ren Sanliu was incredibly sharp; she’d guessed it even without hearing the full story.

“At first, yes. I couldn’t accept it, and… I have to admit, for a short time after we broke up, I wanted revenge.”