Chapter 53: Ren Dongliu (From the Past) – Love Always Fills Not Enough and Can’t Be Emptied… Part 4

Ren Beng kept picking food for Xiang Yu, then turned to grab an empty bowl nearby. She peeled the shrimp shells and deboned the fish before pushing it over to Ren Dongliu.

Ren Dongliu bit at the rice grains stuck to the tips of her chopsticks as she stared at the bowl pushed in front of her. Her gaze followed the fingers that touched the edge of the bowl and quickly withdrew—they led to Ren Beng’s smiling lips and the cautious look in her eyes.

It dawned on her belatedly that whenever Ren Beng wanted to do something for her, this expression appeared. Though she tried hard to hide it, Ren Dongliu could still sense it.

“Thank you.”

Ren Dongliu didn’t mean to say thank you, but they lacked experience getting along. Besides thank you… she didn’t know how else to respond.

Ren Beng’s gaze was still a bit unnatural, but she seemed accustomed to it. She simply watched Ren Dongliu, watched as she reached her chopsticks into the bowl Ren Beng had pushed over and ate the shrimp and fish she had prepared.

Just then, under the table, Xiang Yu nudged Ren Dongliu’s leg with her own. As if understanding something, Ren Dongliu suddenly extended the half-eaten bowl of rice in her hand toward Ren Beng—

“Mom… I want some more.”

Ren Beng’s disappointed eyes lit up in an instant. She hurriedly took the bowl—

“Good, Mom will get you more.”

During that meal, Ren Dongliu felt at a loss, Ren Beng was surprised, and only Xiang Yu ate heartily—like a tornado—finishing two full bowls.

Later that evening, Ren Beng came to make up the bed for them.

After Xiang Yu and Ren Dongliu finished washing up one after the other and came out of the bathroom, Xiang Yu grabbed Ren Dongliu’s hand again.

“Are you done…” Ren Dongliu’s tone carried an annoyance she herself didn’t understand.

But Xiang Yu didn’t take it to heart at all. She glanced toward the bedroom where Ren Dongliu was looking—it was Ren Beng’s back as she bent over making the bed.

She lowered her voice, her eyes sparkling with amusement that reached her heart—

“Your mom really likes me… She kept picking food for me earlier.”

“Your mom is such a nice person.”

“How about… I come over often from now on?”

Ren Dongliu didn’t want to pay her any mind. She felt like she had been too indulgent with her lately, making her even bolder.

By then, Ren Beng had finished making the bed, and Xiang Yu had already let go of Ren Dongliu’s hand.

Ren Beng smiled at Xiang Yu—

“I changed it to a thick quilt for you two. You shouldn’t feel cold sleeping together.”

“Thank you, Auntie.”

Once Ren Beng returned to her room and Xiang Yu and Ren Dongliu entered the bedroom, Xiang Yu turned around again, blocking Ren Dongliu’s path.

“What are you up to now?”

“Go say goodnight to your mom.”

“…”

“Go on. Try opening your mouth once, and it won’t feel so hard next time.”

“Trust me.”

Xiang Yu was a great guiding partner, though Ren Dongliu at the time couldn’t yet appreciate the benefits beneath that mature rationality. She thought mostly of herself.

She met Xiang Yu’s gaze, but she didn’t want to tell her her true thoughts. She was willing to listen and say goodnight not because she wanted to break down the barrier with Ren Beng and become close, but because she felt stifled… She just wanted to experience, on some ordinary day, what mother-daughter warmth felt like.

Ren Dongliu clenched her fingers. Xiang Yu watched her walk to the bedroom door, then stood there with encouraging and expectant eyes urging her on.

She took small, shuffling steps, her slippers scraping lightly on the floor. Those few short steps felt like crossing a tall mountain in her heart.

“Mom…” Ren Dongliu stood at the doorway of Ren Beng’s bedroom. The bedside nightlight illuminated Ren Beng’s still youthful and beautiful face.

Ren Dongliu wasn’t unfamiliar with Ren Beng’s face. Beyond the monthly visits over the past seventeen years, her grandmother’s treasured old photo albums kept Ren Beng ever-present in her life. The only difference was that the Ren Beng in the photos was still, while the current one was alive and moving.

“What’s wrong?” Ren Beng’s restraint returned. They had lived together for so long, but this was the first time Ren Dongliu had come to her before bed.

“Nothing… You… you should sleep early. Goodnight.”

With that, Ren Dongliu turned to leave, but Ren Beng called out to her.

“Kai Kai—” Ren Beng’s slippers slapped urgently against the floor as she hurried from the bedside to the door in those short four or five steps, almost running.

Ren Beng stopped in front of Ren Dongliu. Her nervous expression seemed to come alive, and those eyes, which had appeared so melancholic since her release from prison, seemed injected with new vitality at that moment.

After a long while, she reacted, reaching out to stroke Ren Dongliu’s head. She felt like Ren Dongliu had grown a bit taller since her release, her features and eyes opening up more.

Ren Dongliu still wasn’t used to such intimate gestures or the emotional look in Ren Beng’s eyes, but strangely… she felt like a warm feather had brushed her left atrium, and a gentle stream had flowed in. She neither rejected nor resisted it—she actually… enjoyed it very much. She hoped… Ren Beng’s hand would linger on her head a little longer.

“Mom… got a job as a cashier at the supermarket.”

“That’s good.”

Ren Beng nodded repeatedly.

When Ren Dongliu left, she glanced back. Under the dim yellow nightlight, Ren Beng sat on the edge of the bed. In the moment she looked down, Ren Dongliu also saw the loneliness.

She knew… she was a disconnected person.

Back in the bedroom, Xiang Yu had already taken off her clothes and slipped under the covers.

The bed was warmed by her body, nice and toasty. As soon as Ren Dongliu lay down, she couldn’t help sighing in relief—she had always been sensitive to cold.

“How did it feel?” Xiang Yu asked her.

“A bit strange, but I don’t mind it.”

“No child rejects their own mother; you just aren’t used to it yet.”

Xiang Yu turned over, slipping one hand under Ren Dongliu’s neck for her to pillow on, the other resting on her waist, gently embracing her.

“I get you. You just need time, but your response time is too slow.”

“Not necessarily…”

Ren Dongliu turned to face her—

“I just can’t figure it out. If she loves me… then why, every time I visited her, she never said more than a word to me? That wasn’t seven days or seven months—that was seventeen years. But if she doesn’t love me, then why now is she so careful everywhere, always trying to please me…?”

“It’s not that my response is slow or that I lack conscience. I just don’t want to be ignored for no reason and then loved for no reason.”

“Have you asked her?”

“No.” Ren Dongliu was honest. “I don’t want to ask. It’s pointless. Seventeen years have passed—asking now? Where do I even start? Besides… even if I ask and get an answer, what then? Just relive the pain? The past time won’t come back. Why bother with pointless worry?”

“Why are you always so sensitive?”

Xiang Yu sighed softly, staring intently at Ren Dongliu. Her fingers brushed the small black mole at the corner of her left eye.

“You clearly care so much, clearly know how important that answer is to you, but you just won’t speak up. Fine, but your real intention is not wanting your mom to reopen old wounds—you clearly can’t bear it, yet you insist on saying it casually. What if you were gentler, more tender? Even if you hugged and cried together, what would it hurt? You clearly love her so much.”

“I don’t know. I can’t ask, and I can’t cry. Maybe there really is something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you. Your biggest issue is you don’t know how to be loved.”

Xiang Yu propped herself up, resting her hand by Ren Dongliu’s ear—

“If it’s really that hard, then don’t ask. Just start over from scratch. The past stuff was all bad anyway, not worth clinging to. Nothing can’t be restarted from this moment on.”

“How do I start?”

“Love others the way you want to be loved.”

The two fell silent suddenly. After who knows how long, Ren Dongliu lifted her arm and hooked it around Xiang Yu’s neck.

She said, “Xiang Yu… hold me.”

Xiang Yu pulled her into her arms.

She said again, “Xiang Yu… kiss me.”

Xiang Yu cupped her face and leaned in.

In the gentle, intricate, and lingering kiss, Ren Dongliu grew restless. An emptiness surged darkly within her body.

She didn’t know if this was some overflowing adolescent impulse, but Xiang Yu’s words echoed repeatedly in her mind—“Love others the way you want to be loved.”

“How do you want to be loved?”

Ren Dongliu grasped Xiang Yu’s wrist where it cupped her cheek, dragging her hand… down to her collarbone… her heart…

“Ren Dongliu…”

Xiang Yu tensed up. The sudden turn made her tremble.

She tried to pull her hand back, but Ren Dongliu gripped it tightly, pressing it firmly in place.

“Don’t you want to?”

“Don’t you like me a lot?”

“Xiang Yu, I locked the door.”

Xiang Yu knew that at this moment, Ren Dongliu would be willing no matter what she did. But she didn’t want to do it—not because of high morals or strong willpower, but purely because Ren Dongliu’s willingness wasn’t from their emotions reaching an urgent, impatient peak. She was just very lonely, just seeking an outlet to vent.

If they were adults with life experience, perhaps a venting born not from natural emotional progression could comfort each other. But they were too young—eighteen years old, everything still too unstable. In this state where they didn’t even know what they truly needed, such a desperate release would only make them more confused.

“Ren Dongliu… listen to me. This won’t solve your problem.”

“Are you scared? Don’t you dare?”

“It’s not…”

“You don’t want me…”

“Ren Sanliu, don’t test me!”

Xiang Yu yanked her hand free forcefully, turned her head away, and kissed her hard twice behind the ear. Then she clamped Ren Dongliu tightly in her arms, not letting her move an inch.

Ren Dongliu struggled, but Xiang Yu held her too firmly. After a few futile efforts, she gave up.

This surrender wasn’t just giving up on the release—it was abandoning that inexplicable crazy impulse. More importantly, the restless surge from moments before vanished without a trace in an instant.

Ren Dongliu felt her innate flaws worsen a bit; now they backfired. That desire not born from true passion came fast… and left even faster.

But she still wanted to tell Xiang Yu what was in her heart—

“I don’t know what way I want to be loved, or how I should love others. You’re the first person who made me feel like I could be liked…”

“Xiang Yu, tell me… why is love always unable to fill up or empty out.”