Chapter 261: Emptiness
She had succeeded.
At least compared to the her of a year ago who had nothing, she had now achieved fame and fortune, had everything. Fame, wealth, status—she truly had it all. But…
She didn’t seem particularly happy.
Why was that?
After the dinner party that night, Yu Linna had been thinking about this question. She sat in the shade of a tree on the sports field. She liked to come here to cool off during breaks in military training. This spot was indeed very nice, and she liked to stay here. She watched the classmates playing on the field, the people sweating on the field, the badminton shuttlecocks flying back and forth, the basketballs being passed from hand to hand. Everything was so beautiful.
But she seemed out of place, as lonely as if she had been Photoshopped in.
Why were they so happy? Or rather, when was the last time she had been so happy? Was it the day she had a full meal, or the day she picked up a piece of clothing that was eighty percent new?
She had almost forgotten when she had last laughed so happily.
She had money now, could afford good things, but she was becoming less and more unhappy.
She even felt she had a slight tendency towards depression.
“What do you think she’s doing?”
Lan Ranyan had been watching her sit under the shade of a tree on the sports field for several days, watching people play ball. But she wasn’t fixated on any one person. She was always watching different people coming and going. Whoever was playing ball, she would watch for a few moments. She was acting really strange.
“Are all writers this weird?”
Fang Jiangning scratched her head, not knowing how to answer Lan Ranyan. She wasn’t a writer, so she couldn’t speak from her perspective, but Yu Linna was indeed a bit strange. She used to be very lively. No matter how poor or how hard things were, she would never give up hope for life and would still live with a smile.
The hard times hadn’t defeated her, but the days after achieving fame and fortune had left her in a slump.
Her life had been too hard back then. At that time, she only thought about having a full meal and living a good life, not about anything extra. When she had enough to eat and wear, and didn’t have to worry about food and shelter, the hidden psychological problems from the past began to surface, gradually becoming more intense.
“Actually, she really wasn’t like this before. Don’t mind her,” Fang Jiangning was still speaking up for her. She didn’t want this friend of hers to become different from the past, or even become a stranger. That was definitely not what she wanted to see.
Xiao Yanhan walked over and sat down next to her, silently handing her a candy. She also popped one into her own mouth. During military training, they often rested under this tree. At that time, they would share snacks or trade drinks with each other.
“In a bad mood?”
“No, just thinking about a new story plot.”
“Tell me that’s a lie.”
“Yes, that’s a lie. Actually, I just don’t know what I want to do.”
She chewed the candy in her mouth and said so. Her eyes never rested on Xiao Yanhan. She kept looking at the sports field, at that world that didn’t belong to her, at that lively place that had nothing to do with her.
“This is the first time in over a decade that I’ve felt so directionless. Although I keep telling myself that the end is there, that I should move forward in that direction, I don’t know if this path should be a straight line or a curved one.”
“You’re Shion-sensei. Is there anything in this world that can stump you?”
“Yes, I think so too. But as I keep walking, I find that I’m not as happy as I imagined.”
“I can’t understand that. After all, I’ve never succeeded…”
“Actually, I also miss the past, the me before I became a novelist. It was so simple then. I just wanted to succeed, just wanted to move forward, without so many thoughts.”
The her of the past, she could hardly remember. What kind of person was she? The more she thought, the more she forgot.
She hadn’t felt this kind of loneliness in a long time.
When she was wandering before, she had always longed for someone to be by her side. Her current mood was exactly the same as then. Right now, she really wanted someone by her side, a family member or something. Back then, Nangong Ying had lied to her, saying that after she became famous, she could find her relatives in this world. She had believed her and had entered the entertainment industry. And now? She was indeed famous, but were there any relatives of hers in this world?
Although holding onto this unrealistic idea was very childish, she did indeed long for it, longed to have all of this.
If she could, she really wanted something that others didn’t have: a home.
In the end, Xiao Yanhan couldn’t comfort her. She only sat with her for about ten minutes before leaving. Fang Jiangning also came up and chatted with her for a bit, and then she also left. Yu Linna was originally a workaholic, but now she was finally resting, although the way she rested was not very good. She said she wanted to be alone, to look at the scenery by herself.
Soon, she was the only one left on the sports field. In the evening, the people on the field had mostly dispersed. Many had gone to eat, or to go on dates with their boyfriends or girlfriends. Only Yu Linna was left alone.
She stood up and found a corner to sit down. She was overthinking again.
Perhaps novelists all like to think about random things. She would always inadvertently think of many things, sometimes fantastical, sometimes realistic. She couldn’t control herself either.
A soft footstep sound came. Boots scuffed against the ground. The person’s steps paused for a moment, but still walked up to Yu Linna.
“If you don’t eat, your body will collapse.”
Ye Zhiyun was wearing a black leather jacket and a pair of skinny jeans. The weather was getting cooler; winter was coming soon. Her clothes were more for warmth. But Yu Linna was still in a short-sleeved shirt, with no intention of adding clothes. It was probably a habit from her past life. Before, she couldn’t afford good clothes and was often cold like this. Over time, it became a habit.
“When did you get here?”
Yu Linna smiled, but her smile was a little bitter.
Ye Zhiyun handed her a sandwich. Yu Linna took it, but she didn’t unwrap it. Looking at this food, she didn’t have much of an appetite.
“Zhiyun, I’m not very hungry. I want to lose weight.”
“What are you losing weight for? Do you need to lose weight? And, not being tempted by delicious food, that’s not like you.”
Holding the sandwich, Yu Linna thought for a moment. In the end, she still unwrapped it. The sandwich tasted pretty good. She knew the taste of this sandwich. There was a shop in the school where the owner made very delicious sandwiches. The taste of the bacon, egg, and ham was often memorable. Every day, many students would queue up to buy his sandwiches, but not everyone could get one. Most students still had to endure the pain of queuing but not being able to buy one. It was really surprising that Ye Zhiyun was able to get one. She remembered that this sandwich had a limited quantity every day and was only made in the morning and evening.
“It tastes good.”
“Right? I’ve always wanted you to try it, but I never had the chance.”
“Why did you come to see me? Didn’t you say it wasn’t a good time to meet?”
“Enough time has passed, several months. I also wanted to come and see you. Can’t I?”
Yu Linna smiled wryly and silently ate her sandwich.
Talking to Ye Zhiyun, who hadn’t been by her side for a long time, her nerves slowly relaxed. When she was with her, her mood would indeed be more relaxed.
“Nana, you have everything now, and you’re not short of money. Why are you more depressed than before?”
“Who says I have money? Don’t I still owe you money? I’ve been trying to find a way to pay you back.”
“Haha, you’re still thinking about those things.”
Ye Zhiyun smiled and sat down next to her, putting her arm around her shoulder. She wanted to cherish the time she had with her.
“Nana, I know you’re not doing well.”
“What do you know?”
“I know everything.”
“Hehe.”
Ye Zhiyun looked at her with a pained expression. The her she wanted to cherish, the her she wanted to protect, had been hurt by her in the end. If she had been a little more capable, maybe this wouldn’t have happened.
The incident with her aunt had forced her to give up the opportunity to continue seeing her, even to continue being with her. She firmly believed that a temporary separation was the best choice. But after these few months, she found that Yu Linna had changed again, had become so strange that even she felt it. She knew she had done wrong.
She shouldn’t have made that choice.
“What are your plans for the future?”
“Continue.”
“Continue?”
“Yes, until I reach the top.”
At least her goal was still there. She wanted to reach the top, the highest peak, a position that no one could reach.
Yu Linna stood up, looking at the starry night sky, at the night road under the starry sky. She knew that her future was destined to be like this road, without lights, but she had to walk it to the end.
“Will you really be happy like this?”
“Maybe. But besides doing this, there’s nothing else I can do. Because I live in this world, I always have to prove something to people.”
She lived, perhaps, to prove her own value to people. Otherwise, there would be no need for her to become a novelist.
Is there any meaning in living like this? If it were her, she would answer, “Yes, there is.”
Ye Zhiyun wanted to say something, but in the end, she remained silent. Perhaps in Yu Linna’s eyes, this was the meaning of her life. Everyone has their own ambitions, their own ideas. She couldn’t interfere. She could only respect her choice. It was just that if she could, she really hoped that Yu Linna could live for herself, simply live.
And not desperately trying to prove something to someone.
Shion’s popularity kept rising. The more heat she generated, the more controversy there would be. This is how the world is. If you want fame, you have to be able to withstand slander. This is inevitable.
Shion-sensei also had a lot of haters causing trouble online. They used their keyboards to compose music, to denounce this “arrogant newcomer.” The internet was always in a state of flame wars. Especially during the period when The Smile of the Rose was about to be released, there was a lot of controversy online.
But in the end, Shion-sensei was just a screenwriter. To put it bluntly, she was just a ghostwriter and couldn’t decide the direction and arrangement of the entire plot. But some people were just bored and treated her as the director of The Smile of the Rose, so it was convenient to shift the blame.
And this web series, which was full of controversy before it was even broadcast, was finally released as scheduled amidst a lot of confusion and doubt, and began to prove with facts whether it was worthy of its name.
And on this day, the premiere viewership was quite considerable.
