Outside, it was torrential rain. The streetlight illuminated the situation inside. Just one look, and she froze completely outside the balcony. The calm and composure she usually prided herself on vanished.
In the dim view, Yu Qinjiu was lying on the floor, convulsing uncontrollably. She was curled up, breathing heavily, like a cat that had lost its strength and couldn’t get oxygen, about to drown from respiratory failure in the next second.
None of the adults were home at the time.
She panicked, but she managed to call the ambulance while crying. She brought a chair from home and used it to smash the glass balcony door, once, twice, again and again. Her hands were bruised and purple. In the flashing lights of the ambulance, she finally broke through.
She carried Yu Qinjiu from the floor, but Yu Qinjiu kept trembling on her back, her eyes rolling back, her lips white and purple.
That was the first time Ji Qingyou rode in an ambulance.
People in white coats jumped out. They urgently discussed how to get Yu Qinjiu down on a stretcher. But when they found out the elevator couldn’t fit the stretcher.
Ji Qingyou carried Yu Qinjiu on her back again. During this time, Yu Qinjiu kept crying, burying her face in the hollow of her neck, crying hard. She kept convulsing, completely out of control.
Fear permeated that night.
Ji Qingyou tried to hold Yu Qinjiu’s hand, but her hands were too sweaty, and Yu Qinjiu kept trembling, like a fish being electrocuted. She couldn’t hold on.
When they finally arrived at the emergency room, Ji Qingyou sat on the chair outside. She still felt like it was all a dream, like a pile of fragments. Behind her were the heartbreaking cries of other patients’ families and the howls of patients in pain.
She forced herself to wipe away her tears and listen calmly to the doctor.
The doctor handed her a tissue to wipe her tears. “Actually, this illness isn’t serious. It’s just hyperventilation. Too much carbon dioxide is exhaled, leading to respiratory alkalosis. As long as you put a paper bag or a mask over her face to recapture the carbon dioxide, it’ll be fine. We just gave her an injection of calcium gluconate. She can go home after the IV is done.”
“Just putting a paper bag over her face?” Ji Qingyou’s voice was hoarse. She didn’t understand why Yu Qinjiu’s condition had seemed so severe just now—convulsing on the floor, crying so hard—and the final treatment was just putting a paper bag or a mask over her face.
“Yeah.” The doctor took off his mask, revealing a tired face. “We just did a check-up. There’s nothing wrong with her. If no physiological lesions are detected, it’s usually caused by emotional agitation. But you have to be careful. She needs to learn to control her emotions in the future. If it happens too often, it can cause serious problems.”
As he spoke, the doctor stood up and added, “But she still seems pretty uncomfortable. Go comfort her. Whatever’s bothering her, she shouldn’t cry so hard. Not only is it uncomfortable when it happens, it’s bad for her health too.”
Ji Qingyou struggled to speak. “Mm, I understand.”
There weren’t many people in the emergency room ward that night, just a few patients and their families. When Ji Qingyou walked in, there were a few young girls and middle-aged women staring at Yu Qinjiu.
Yu Qinjiu was facing the wall, her back to everyone else. She was curled up, like a helpless, pitiful little kitten, her back drenched in this thunderous night.
Ji Qingyou walked over slowly. She saw the transparent tears that kept welling up and rolling down the corners of Yu Qinjiu’s eyes. She suddenly felt too sad to speak.
Since they were very young, Yu Qinjiu had always been closely connected to her. Ji Qingyou looked at the world through a thick shell, and Yu Qinjiu was her only connection to the world outside that shell, transmitting emotions to her through it.
No matter what time, no matter where.
They had always been in a relationship of unlimited sharing of life.
Yu Qinjiu was sad, so Ji Qingyou shared her sadness.
Ji Qingyou sat down in front of her hospital bed, shielding her from those prying eyes. She said softly, “Yu Qinjiu, don’t be so sad anymore. If you’re sad, you’ll feel worse, and it’s bad for your health.”
Yu Qinjiu curled up even tighter, trying to avoid everyone’s gaze, saying nothing.
For some reason.
At that moment, Ji Qingyou took Yu Qinjiu’s icy hand. Perhaps it was to try to transfer her own strength to her, and also to shield her from all the curious but hurtful glances.
She didn’t say a word. She just stared at Yu Qinjiu’s sweat-soaked hair, scattered messily over her body, her red, swollen eyes, and the bruises on her pale wrist.
This represented that, on the verge of losing control, Yu Qinjiu had also tried to control herself, using this cruel but useless method, completely overturning her previous self-perception.
Yu Qinjiu was very quiet. Unprecedentedly quiet.
After a very, very long time, she said sadly, “Ji Qingyou, am I not pretty anymore…”
Her voice was a little hoarse. It made Ji Qingyou’s throat feel tight.
She tried to put herself in Yu Qinjiu’s perspective. She imagined herself convulsing and falling to the ground, being watched by a crowd; imagined herself unable to control her body’s trembling and convulsing, occasionally opening her eyes while being carried on a stretcher to see condescending stares; imagined herself being curiously watched while her muscles twitched, people saying things like, “She’s so young, what a scary disease,” “Yeah, it’s pretty scary when it happens,” “She’s quite pretty, it’s a shame she’s sick…” when something happened…
She also felt suffocated.
And the person who had actually gone through this was Yu Qinjiu.
She had every expression perfectly in place, always paying attention to every detail. Every color and accessory she wore had to be perfectly chosen.
She would alter her school uniform pants to make them tighter so her legs looked longer. She would spend time every morning carefully choosing her hair accessories. She would tie beautiful bows in her hair. She would tuck pretty, fresh flowers behind her ears. She would carefully study how to tie different ponytails and style her hair differently. She would painstakingly draw cute little robots on Ji Qingyou’s school uniform…
She had loved being beautiful since she was a child. It was hardly a flaw.
But just now, she hadn’t been making simple, cute faces at the classroom window.
She had been facing the fear of losing control, the fear of not knowing when she might convulse and fall to the ground due to emotional agitation. And the fear that, even while being conscious while convulsing, she couldn’t stop it.
That was why Yu Qinjiu kept pinching herself, turning her hands red.
Ji Qingyou wanted to comfort Yu Qinjiu. But really, it’s hard to have perfect empathy in this world. Perhaps the suffocation she felt was only a tenth of what Yu Qinjiu had experienced. No matter what she said, it might make Yu Qinjiu feel like she was being pitied.
That night.
Yu Qinjiu was even experiencing a physical pain that threatened to split her in two. Curled up on the emergency room bed, her messy hair wrapped around her thin shoulders, falling against her pale cheeks. She looked like a fragile butterfly trapped in a thick cocoon, unable to escape.
All her innate pride, carefreeness, and confidence had vanished. She bit down hard on her bloodless lips, trying not to get emotionally agitated again. But she couldn’t help trembling, and even the hand holding Ji Qingyou’s was trembling uncontrollably. The pajamas she was wearing were as wrinkled as a piece of burnt paper.
She looked very cold. Or rather, it was a kind of physiological after-shock and fear from the depths of her soul. This fear was transmitted through their tightly clasped hands, wrapping them together in the same thick cocoon.
Passersby would always look as they walked by.
Ji Qingyou sat behind Yu Qinjiu, shielding her from the gazes, using her own thin palm to transfer her strength. She moved her lips and softly called Yu Qinjiu’s name.
Yu Qinjiu.
Yu Qinjiu.
She only called her name twice, unable to say anything else.
It wasn’t until much later, when Ji Qingyou had truly become a doctor, that she would often recall that very long night at important moments in her career. For example, her first time participating in a gross anatomy dissection, the first time she was panicked and helpless on the operating table, the first time she went to the emergency room and met a frantic, crying family member, the first time she was on a solo night shift and encountered a patient suddenly vomiting blood, the first time she did CPR for two hours and still couldn’t save someone, and the first time she lost a patient after surgery…
At those moments, she would sit silently, gripping her own wrist, rubbing the watch Yu Qinjiu had given her. It made her feel like her hand was still being held tightly by Yu Qinjiu from that night. The Yu Qinjiu back then was sharing her fear with her. And through this subtle way, she shared her own fears and sorrows with the Yu Qinjiu she could no longer see.
Ji Qingyou wanted to continue this close connection with Yu Qinjiu. She wanted to dispel the fear of that night. So she would constantly reconstruct in her mind the words she hadn’t been able to say that night, and the thoughts that had still been unclear back then.
She must have been thinking then: What could she do for a Yu Qinjiu like this?
From a very young age, Yu Qinjiu could poke bright marks on her dull fish tank from the outside, bringing her countless surprises beyond life. But when Yu Qinjiu herself fell into dead water, she felt she had to do something for her. At least, she couldn’t let such a bright, such a special Yu Qinjiu be swallowed by the dead water.
Later, when she looked back, she realized that the thought she had wanted to express back then was:
Yu Qinjiu is beautiful even when she’s sad.
And an extremely absurd and immature thought had begun to swirl in her mind at that time:
What if she were a doctor?
Then she could protect Yu Qinjiu immediately, stand in front of this fear, and also support Yu Qinjiu, letting her continue to face this wonderful world.
And no one would think that a sick Yu Qinjiu was not beautiful.
–
The fragments of old memories spun forward again, like countless frames of a finely edited film. They froze on the winter night of 2022, then quickly shattered into small pieces before Ji Qingyou’s eyes.
Her attention returned to 2022.
Yu Qinjiu was still sitting beside her, shoulder to shoulder. Her eyes, visible above the mask, were still moist. She asked very, very softly, why she had become a doctor.
The thoughts and memories came to an abrupt halt.
Ji Qingyou slightly lowered her eyes. Her fingers curled into a loose fist. Her voice was restrained and calm.
“People with easily agitated emotions are prone to respiratory alkalosis. It can cause convulsions, rapid breathing, nausea, vomiting, and tingling numbness in the hands, feet, and around the mouth. Patients should pay attention to regulating their emotions in daily life, improve their lifestyle habits, and take preventive measures…”
Yu Qinjiu looked at her. She listened quietly to everything she said. She lowered her eyelashes, thinking she was changing the subject, and said softly, “I was really sad and agitated just now. But I’ve never had these symptoms before. I’ve been controlling it well these past few days. I thought it wouldn’t happen again.”
As she spoke, she looked at Ji Qingyou again, took off her mask, forced a smile, and forced one that she herself didn’t think was very pretty.
“Got it. Thanks for the reminder, Dr. Ji.”
Ji Qingyou met the forced look in her eyes. “That was Dr. Ji’s advice to you. But Ji Qingyou also has something she wants to say to you…”
“What is it?” Yu Qinjiu froze for a second, the light in her eyes flickering.
As if pulled by something, Ji Qingyou reached out and carefully wiped the remaining tears from Yu Qinjiu’s face, then curled her fingers back. After hanging in the air for a few seconds, she slowly withdrew them. Then she said, word by word, softly.
“Yu Qinjiu, you are still beautiful even when you’re sad.”
This was what the seventeen-year-old her had wanted to say to Miss Alps.
