◎”You must always be happier than me.”◎
The moment she opened her eyes, Ji Qingyou felt hot, parched, her heart racing. Her breath was heavy, sinking deep into her chest, like a suffocating feeling of drowning in the deep sea.
Her vision was blurry, very dark.
The curtains were pulled tight, leaving almost no gap, letting in no light, the opposite of her usual habit for sleeping.
The alarm hadn’t gone off yet.
She fumbled for her phone on the bedside table. The moment the screen lit up, the person beside her stirred slightly, as if displeased by the faint light.
She moved closer to Ji Qingyou, accurately wrapping her arms around her waist. Warm breath seeped through her rumpled pajamas, along with soft, fine hair, sinking into her sensitive waist.
Ji Qingyou instantly froze, immediately locking the phone screen.
But the person behind her didn’t let go. Breathe in, breathe out, slow and lingering, as if enclosing her in a warm embrace.
Her thoughts began to return.
Last night’s memories came flooding back like a tide, washing over her mind, pushing the slow gears of memory into reverse. Ji Qingyou was stunned, holding her breath so lightly.
The person sleeping in the same bed was Yu Qinjiu.
There was no doubt about it.
But as the memories returned, some things she had done while drunk flooded her mind. Including the fact that she had gotten drunk before she could eat the New Year’s Eve dinner Yu Qinjiu had spent so long making. And before she passed out… she had almost kissed Yu Qinjiu.
Realizing this.
Fragments of memory surfaced. She could almost recall the soft touch of her fingers lifting Yu Qinjiu’s chin, the warm, soft breath lingering in the air as they brushed past each other, and the words Yu Qinjiu had said right before she lost consciousness.
She hadn’t heard it all, only vaguely caught a few words.
It sounded like: I thought you were…
She couldn’t remember the rest, and her reason was preventing her from trying to recall further. She tried to lift the blanket and get out of bed, but as soon as she moved, the person behind her tightened her grip on her waist and pressed her breath a little closer.
She paused and looked back.
Everything around was very dark, so dark it felt like a world with only her and Yu Qinjiu, as dark as the fire scene in her nightmares. She couldn’t even tell if she was at her own place or Yu Qinjiu’s.
Naturally, she couldn’t see the expression on Yu Qinjiu’s face either.
She could only perceive Yu Qinjiu’s presence through touch and hearing.
Yu Qinjiu’s breathing was light. She slept quietly.
The strength of the hand holding her waist was tight, as if trying to hold onto something. But the more force she used, the sadder Yu Qinjiu seemed to sound, her breath becoming a little wet.
In the dim environment.
Ji Qingyou silently watched Yu Qinjiu. She instinctively raised her hand, but paused in mid-air for a few seconds, until the sobbing in Yu Qinjiu’s breathing grew heavier.
She couldn’t bear it any longer.
She gently wrapped her arms around Yu Qinjiu, patting her back with a very light touch, trying to hear the murmurs hidden in her sadness.
Perhaps her actions gave Yu Qinjiu some comfort. Yu Qinjiu, caught in her dream, eased a little. The sobs became lighter, followed by a dreamy murmur mixed with a nasally tone,
“…Mom, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault…”
She spoke in fragments, but her tone was filled with an undeniable sadness.
Like that teenage girl ten years ago, whose voice was hoarse from crying.
But in that instant, Ji Qingyou’s raised hand froze. She extended her fingers, brushing them against Yu Qinjiu’s cheek. The skin was very soft.
But it was wet, hot.
Scalding tears flowed, sinking into her fingers.
Almost burning a hole in her heart.
Yet she still patted Yu Qinjiu’s back gently, trying to pass all the strength from her own body to Yu Qinjiu. If she could, she would take all the holes upon herself.
But she couldn’t.
She could only pat Yu Qinjiu’s back, over and over, until Yu Qinjiu, lost in her dream, felt a little better. She poured out those helpless calls, one after another, until finally, trembling softly in her arms, she called out,
“Ji Qingyou…”
The call was very soft.
Ji Qingyou even thought she had misheard. But immediately, Yu Qinjiu repeated it a second time, a third time… many, many times.
She was calling her name.
Ji Qingyou didn’t know what role she played in Yu Qinjiu’s dream. But at least, she didn’t want Yu Qinjiu to cry even when she dreamed of her.
She extended her fingers, afraid to touch.
As they hung in the air, slowly curling back, Yu Qinjiu buried herself in her arms. Her voice was very, very soft, a little muffled.
She almost pleaded, “Ji Qingyou, can you come to my dreams more often?”
For a moment, Ji Qingyou felt like all the organs in her body had turned to ice, silently shattering, cracks spreading infinitely through her body.
About to break, but not completely broken.
Leaving only an empty shell of ice.
At that second, her sluggish brain thrashed about in chaos, no longer able to control her body. She gently held Yu Qinjiu tight, her curled fingers finally retracting completely. Finally, silently accompanying Yu Qinjiu, she said, word by word,
“I will come.”
Until Yu Qinjiu fell into a deeper sleep, and all the dream talk and dreams began to fade. Ji Qingyou’s arm was numb. She tried to let Yu Qinjiu go and fumbled in the bedside drawer.
After a while, she touched a hard edge.
She sighed in relief. So this was her own room.
She took out the prepared red envelope, which contained the New Year’s money she had prepared for Yu Qinjiu. After preparing red envelopes for everyone at the hospital, this thought had crossed her mind.
The meaning of “New Year’s money” is to place a beautiful wish.
Most of the time, it’s only given to children.
So naturally, Ji Qingyou wanted to give Yu Qinjiu the most beautiful wishes in the world. She hoped Yu Qinjiu would always be like a child, possessing the purest life in the world, far away from all pain and suffering, and far away from everything connected to the root of her pain… including Ji Qingyou herself.
After gently placing the red envelope under Yu Qinjiu’s pillow, the sky outside the window began to lighten. She quietly watched Yu Qinjiu, her voice so soft even she could barely hear it,
“Yu Qinjiu, no matter what time, no matter where…”
“You must always be happier than me.”
—
That night was like a romantic and impulsive dream.
While dreaming, one could do all the things they wouldn’t normally do, try to cross boundaries. But when the dream ended, all that was left was to accept the ordinary reality.
Like the constant stream of patients sent to the hospital, patients who couldn’t even guarantee a healthy life. Like the families who cried out in despair, unable to stay calm, just sitting on the floor in a daze. Like the patients who, after chemotherapy, still couldn’t hold on to life…
But there were more. Many more patients walked out of the hospital gates completely intact.
Like Yu Zhijiu and Li Nanli, who were discharged not long after the New Year.
After coming out of surgery, when Ji Qingyou passed by those two familiar wards, they were already empty. The familiar faces were gone, including Yu Qinjiu, who often visited those wards.
Even though the department corridor was still full of people, bustling with activity, Ji Qingyou couldn’t help but feel a sense of emptiness.
This emptiness spread to her heart. It reached its peak when she returned to her office and instinctively opened the drawer to get a lollipop.
There were only a few lollipops left in the drawer.
That’s right. Yu Qinjiu hadn’t been to the hospital these past few days. Ji Qingyou’s drawer was getting increasingly empty. Strangely, her heart sank along with it.
She didn’t take out a lollipop. She silently pushed the drawer closed. As she put her hands in her pockets, she found the bracelet made from surgical knots in her white coat pocket.
She had planned to give it to Yu Zhijiu as a departing gift when she was discharged. But now, before she could give it, the girl had already left.
But it was fine. Staying in the hospital wasn’t a good thing anyway.
“Hey, why are you still here? Isn’t Dr. Qin’s wedding tomorrow? Aren’t your two families supposed to go have dinner tonight with the guests who arrived early? Aren’t you leaving?”
Ji Xiruan’s voice came from beside her. The sunlight outside the window was pale. Ji Xiruan’s shadow fell over the bracelet in her hand. “Isn’t this the lucky bracelet you made for Little Jiu? Didn’t get to give it to her?”
Ji Qingyou pulled herself together, clutched the bracelet in her hand, and mumbled a “Hmm.” “I didn’t have time.”
“It’s okay!” Ji Xiruan comforted her, patting her shoulder. “Didn’t your Miss Alps give it to her for you that day? And I gave Little Jiu a gift today too. No regrets.”
Ji Qingyou nodded and didn’t say anything more. But when she turned around, she met Ji Xiruan’s somewhat swollen eyes. She froze for a second. “You…”
“Oh, it’s just that Little Jiu was discharged today. I was a bit reluctant, so I secretly cried a little. She’s too good. She even told me to call her on her phone watch. She smiled and used her own allowance to buy me a lollipop. She used to only give them to you, never to me…” As Ji Xiruan spoke, her eyes darted away. She turned her head and gave Ji Qingyou a perfunctory push.
“Don’t be late for Dr. Qin’s wedding tomorrow. Or she’ll be disappointed again, thinking you don’t support her marriage…”
Ji Qingyou looked at her quietly. “I thought she invited you too.”
“Yeah, she did.” Ji Xiruan turned her back to her. Her tone was normal, and so were her movements as she naturally tidied the materials on her desk. “But I’m on duty tomorrow.”
“No time.”
After saying this, she found that all the materials had been tidied up. So she just sat silently at her desk, her back still to Ji Qingyou.
“But I’ve already prepared the gift money. I asked Dr. Zhao to bring it for me tomorrow. Make sure you guys don’t say I’m stingy. I gave the highest amount according to the colleague relationship standard. And my salary isn’t that high anyway. Giving this much is really my limit. I wonder if Dr. Qin will give me this much back when I get married…”
Ji Qingyou had only asked one question.
But Ji Xiruan had rambled on and on, as if stopping would let other sounds escape from her mouth.
“If you ever really do get married…” Ji Qingyou hesitated for a few seconds before saying, “I’ll make sure she gives you a very big red envelope.”
This was the limit of Ji Qingyou’s ability to go along with her exaggerated words.
Ji Xiruan’s back stiffened for a moment, but she still didn’t turn around. She just nodded seriously. Her tone was still normal, even carrying a hint of a joke.
“Deal then! If she doesn’t give it back, I’ll come to you.”
Ji Qingyou hummed in agreement. “Not just her. I’ll give you a big red envelope too.”
The office was still bustling, maintaining its normal working rhythm. Ji Xiruan sat quietly until Ji Qingyou patted her shoulder, changed clothes, and left work for the day.
