Chapter 32
Jian Xin was puzzled. How did the once quiet and introverted Yan Xiaolu turn into such a sharp-tongued person?
What did she mean by “Are you as loyal as a dog”?
—That was a dirty insult!
She thought Yan Lu had named her dog Xin Xin to call her a dog. It turned out that in Yan Lu’s eyes, she might not even be as good as a dog.
A dog is more loyal than her, right? A dog is man’s most loyal friend…
Then what about her? Where was she not loyal?!
Jian Xin unconsciously thought back to the past, wishing she could pull out every blurry corner of her memory and see where she had been disloyal!
It had been so many years, and she hadn’t even had a second spring!
If she had to say where she had wronged Yan Lu, perhaps it was only the promises of her youth that were never truly fulfilled…
Was Yan Lu bothered by those unfulfilled promises?
But the words spoken at an age when she couldn’t take responsibility for anything, who could guarantee that they could be kept?
At this thought, Jian Xin couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed.
I was too young back then, she thought, not knowing the immensity of heaven and earth, with my family to back me up in everything, so I always thought that as long as I reached out, I could grasp everything I wanted.
But this world was slowly teaching her that the road of life was still long. Once you’ve passed the age where you can be supported by others, you have to run on your own.
As you run, the people you once wanted to keep by your side for a lifetime, along with those already distant dreams, all quietly drift away.
Many things, it wasn’t that she wanted to let go, but that she just couldn’t hold on.
Forget it! What’s the use of thinking about these useless things? I might as well take a nap!
Jian Xin closed her eyes, took three deep breaths, threw away the distracting thoughts in her mind, and fell asleep at the speed of light.
She dreamed of her junior year of university again.
In the warm yellow light, she looked at the back of the person sitting at the computer, typing away.
She wanted to say something, but just as she sat up from the bed, white feathers grew on her body.
“—Quack?” She tilted her head and walked dazedly to the person’s side.
The person turned around and smiled at her.
“The MIDI keyboard you’ve always wanted, I’ve already ordered it. It should arrive before your birthday…”
“Quack ah—quack quack quack—”
It’s not easy for you to earn money. Why buy me something so expensive…
“Why are you unhappy? Is the duck feed not to your liking again?” The person said, getting up and walking to the side. She brought back a large bag of mealworms from somewhere, her voice soft, “Here, I bought you some fresh ones.”
“Quack!!” Who wants to eat these fresh ones!
She flapped her wings and turned to flee.
As she fled, she bumped into a pair of legs.
The impact made her dizzy. It took her a long time to raise her head and see what she had bumped into.
The light became a little dazzling at that moment. She saw “herself.”
That “herself,” always dressed beautifully, like a little star, was gently hugging Yan Lu from behind, whining softly.
“You have to come… you’re not allowed not to come…”
“Mmm.”
“This is the most important day for me.”
“Okay.”
…
That day, she waited for a long, long time.
The stage lights were so brilliant. It was as if she had grown wings, chasing the dream in her heart, touching some distant, unreachable place.
I can fly further, she thought, but I just can’t help but look down at the audience.
Again and again, searching for a familiar figure.
That person still didn’t come in the end…
Was she wrong to be angry?
…
The moment she opened her eyes, Jian Xin slowly, deeply, inhaled and exhaled a long breath.
After coming back to her senses, she couldn’t help but think, what right did Yan Lu have to scold her?
She wasn’t the only one who didn’t keep her promises.
She wiped away a tear, sat up, and rubbed her temples.
There were three missed voice calls on her phone. It was Yan Lu reminding her to do her flexion and extension exercises.
Jian Xin stretched her neck and quickly replied, “I overslept, just woke up. I’ll do them now.”
After replying to this message, she composed herself and started her flexion and extension exercises for the day.
Perhaps hearing the noise in the room, Huang He gently pushed open a crack in the door. The light from outside slipped in through the crack, not very bright.
“It’s seven o’clock. Are you eating or not?”
“I am, how can I not?” Jian Xin said, holding her right leg and pressing it forward, wincing in pain. “Wait until I… finish this…”
“Then hurry up,” Huang He said, glancing into the room, frowning, and reaching out to turn on the light. “You’ve been sleeping in the room all day, didn’t eat lunch, and didn’t even open the curtains—it’s so dark, are you growing mushrooms?”
Jian Xin: “Uh-huh, I’m growing mushrooms, to stir-fry and eat.”
Huang He: “Be careful you don’t get hallucinations.”
Jian Xin continued to press her leg. “I don’t care. I’ve been having a lot of hallucinations lately. A few more won’t make a difference.”
Huang He shook her head and turned to leave.
After a meal, Jian Xin, leaning on her crutches, returned to her bedroom.
She stood at the door in a daze for a long while, then, as if possessed, she started to rummage through the house.
Huang He sat on the sofa watching TV. Seeing Jian Xin wandering around the house, rummaging through cabinets and drawers, she couldn’t help but ask, “What are you looking for?”
“You just watch your show,” Jian Xin replied casually and continued to search.
“I’ll help you look.”
“No need, I’m just curious… It’s something useless, maybe it’s already been thrown away.”
“If it’s useless, why are you looking for it?”
“…” Jian Xin pouted and didn’t reply, just continued to search in silence.
After repeatedly squatting and standing up, and occasionally standing on her tiptoes to reach high places, her right leg, which couldn’t bear much weight for the time being, began to ache faintly. She finally found the long, black keyboard bag in the most buried corner of the storage room.
It was covered by two very large plastic bags. When she tore open the plastic bags, the inside was still covered in a fine layer of dust.
Jian Xin still remembered that she had started to learn music arrangement in university.
She not only liked to sing, but also liked to write songs. Both creating and performing brought her joy.
In her first year of learning, she didn’t have a MIDI keyboard and had to input the sound source with a mouse, adjusting the velocity and rhythm bit by bit, which was very inconvenient.
Later, she bought a cheap MIDI keyboard, which made arranging much more comfortable, but the keyboard was small and had few keys, and she always felt that the flexibility was not enough.
Chen Yuan from the band recommended a MIDI keyboard to her. It was good-looking, had a good feel, and had all the functions she needed, practically professional grade, but the price was a little steep—over eight thousand, she couldn’t afford it!
Later, in her junior year, on her birthday, Yan Lu bought her one with her manuscript fees. She used it for a long, long time.
But things like this don’t have a very long lifespan.
In the fifth year after Yan Lu left, it broke.
At that time, although she was no longer as focused on music as before, she would still occasionally record some sudden inspirations and simply arrange them into songs.
After it could no longer be used normally, she bought a new one of about the same price, but it was as if in that instant, she had completely lost all desire to create.
Jian Xin looked at the broken MIDI keyboard in front of her and suddenly remembered the year it broke. She was sitting in front of her computer, facing a new and unfamiliar MIDI keyboard, and a thought flashed through her mind.
At that time, she was thinking—how boring.
The person she had cared about, the dream she had chased, were all gone, just like that old keyboard.
The brilliant life she had imagined had not come.
She repeated her work every day, half of her was numb, so why insist on creating?
It turned out that some things, you think they’re already a part of your life, but from passion to indifference, all it takes is a single thought.
So when the thought appeared, everything she had once held on to tightly, in that one instant, because of a new object, a sudden sense of unfamiliarity, became extremely boring.
Yes, just boring.
No sadness, no reluctance.
The Jian Xin of that time would not have known that years later, she would be looking for it again.
And the sadness and reluctance that had been avoided at that time, at this moment, flooded her like a tide.
She sniffed, squatting in the messy storage room she had turned upside down, her leg hurting so much she could barely stand, her wet sleeves unable to dry her tears.
Huang He heard the noise and came over. She stood at the door in a daze for a few seconds, then silently walked into the room, helped her daughter up, and patted her head.
She glanced at the keyboard bag Jian Xin had taken out, and after a brief silence, she said with a teasing laugh, “What are you crying about? I’ve never seen you cry so sadly even when you got last place in the class when you were a child.”
Jian Xin leaned against the cabinet, sniffed, and muttered, “My leg hurts, I want to cry, can’t I?”
“Crying could solve a lot of problems when you were a child, but when you grow up, fewer people will care about your tears,” Huang He said, glancing at Jian Xin and adding faintly, “If you want to solve a problem, you have to take action. Just hiding in your room and overthinking, thinking until you’re a mess of snot and tears, that won’t get you a result.”
“…”
“Your dad, he was a man of few words back then. At that time, many people said that your dad and I were not a good match. Our tempers, personalities, and education were all mismatched, as if I were forcing a square peg into a round hole.”
“I was sensitive, I was fragile, I suspected every day that he didn’t care about me at all, that he had only agreed to be with me because I was persistent—I was so aggrieved back then, so aggrieved that I couldn’t sleep at night, and I almost broke up with your dad,” Huang He said, and even she laughed at herself. “Xin Xin, whether you could exist in this world or not was all in my one thought back then, you know?”
“There was such a thing…”
“Yes!”
“Then what happened later?” Jian Xin asked softly, sniffing. “How did I come to be?”
“Of course it’s because your mom is amazing,” Huang He said, patting Jian Xin’s shoulder, taking the keyboard bag, and gently placing it by the door. She then dove into the room and bent down to clean up the mess on the floor.
As she cleaned, she muttered.
She said that there are some people in this world who like to keep everything to themselves.
Simple joys, angers, sorrows, and happiness, it’s as if it would kill them to say it out loud.
These people, they look very cold and their emotions are always very stable, but it’s not that they don’t have feelings, it’s just that they’re not good at, don’t like, and can even be said to be very afraid of expressing their inner feelings.
Sounds ridiculous, right?
But that’s just how these people are—they lack a sense of security from the bottom of their hearts, and they feel that nothing will last, and nothing can be relied on.
They deliberately distance themselves from everything to protect themselves.
They refuse to open their hearts to people also to prevent themselves from being unable to pull themselves out when the expected loss comes.
You can hardly imagine that these people’s hearts have a hard and thick shell, and the outside of the shell even has some thorns.
If you can break that shell, you might also find a helpless little fool curled up inside like a baby.
But people without some ability can’t get close at all.
“Your dad is this kind of person!” Huang He said with a disdainful tone. “Back then, that broken shell of his was like the shit in a country latrine in winter, stinky and hard! I really put in a lot of effort to find evidence from all sorts of clues that he actually cared about me very much…”
“…” Mom, that’s a really crude analogy.
“But, that was only because I’ve been stubborn since I was a child, so stubborn that I just rammed my head against your dad’s wall back then, and that’s how you’re here today, you know?” Huang He stood up straight, a hint of pride hidden in her seemingly complaining words. “It’s very easy for two people to miss each other. If it had been someone else back then, he would have been lonely for the rest of his life. How could he have such a good life today?”
At this point, she turned to Jian Xin and made a shushing gesture. “Your dad isn’t home. I’m telling you this, don’t tell him later.”
Jian Xin: “Oh—”
Huang He nodded with satisfaction and continued, “But there are ways to walk this road. I’m not advising you on anything, so don’t think I’m advising you on anything.”
“Sometimes I also think, if I hadn’t chosen your dad back then, maybe I would have been alone for the rest of my life.”
“Actually, there’s nothing wrong with being alone. If I had really been alone, my life probably wouldn’t have been bad—for example, now, if you had never been born, I wouldn’t have to be here cleaning up all this mess for you.”
Jian Xin opened her mouth and took a deep breath. “Madam Huang, I want to confirm something. Are you comforting me right now?”
“What else?” Huang He turned her head and asked back. “Isn’t this telling you that you can live your life however you want?”
Jian Xin muttered, “Didn’t you just say you regretted giving birth to me?”
“I told you to study hard back then, but you wouldn’t, right? Look at your reading comprehension now, it’s really not like you’re my daughter,” Huang He said, glancing at Jian Xin and smiling nonchalantly. “When did I ever regret giving birth to you? No matter how much trouble you cause me, as long as I can clean it up, I want to clean it up for you for the rest of my life.”
“I can clean it up myself,” Jian Xin said, wanting to go forward to help, but was stopped by a gesture from Huang He.
“Take your things and go out and rest. You’ll be doing me a big favor by recovering soon.”
“Oh—” Jian Xin replied, holding the large keyboard bag with one hand, and, leaning on her crutches, she slowly walked back to her bedroom.
She wiped the dust off with a tissue, then wiped it again with a damp towel, before placing it flat on the bed, unzipping it, and staring at the old keyboard lying quietly inside, lost in thought.
Why?
The breakup back then was so inexplicable, and the reunion now was also without any warning.
Even if she and Yan Lu could never go back to the way they were, couldn’t they at least have a future together again?
She could clearly feel that there was still something between them, something that was still pulling at their hearts…
That kind of pull was definitely not something that could be easily severed with a simple “it’s over, it’s faded.”
Unless… they had never met again in this life. If that were the case, perhaps she could have lived the rest of her life as if nothing had happened.
But they had reunited!
Not only had they reunited, but there was also a duck that insisted on grabbing her and taking her to Yan Lu’s house for no reason, making her hear things she shouldn’t have, see things she shouldn’t have, and making it impossible for her to get rid of the thoughts in her heart, having endless strange dreams every time she closed her eyes.
Maybe all of this was hinting at something.
The people and things that had been missed, the problems and conflicts that could not be resolved between her and Yan Lu, perhaps they all deserved a formal ending.
Instead of being like this, unclear and ambiguous, with just a simple “it’s over,” and then nothing more.
She really couldn’t fool herself anymore.
She still… didn’t want to lose that person.
Even if they had already drifted apart, even if there was just a little bit of a chance, she still wanted to find her back.
By the time Jian Xin had composed herself, the wastebasket by the bed was already full of wet tissues.
She took out her phone, took a picture of the MIDI keyboard in front of her, and after a brief hesitation, she sent it to Yan Lu.
Picked Up a Heart: I saw this today when I was helping my family clean up the storage room.
Picked Up a Heart: I’m quite emotional. I remember it’s been broken for a long time, but it’s still not lost.
Perched by the Roadside: Have you had it repaired?
Picked Up a Heart: No.
Perched by the Roadside: If only some of the functions are damaged, you might be able to use it again if you find someone to repair it.
Perched by the Roadside: If it can’t be repaired, you can also sell it on Xianyu for some cash. There will be people who need it for parts.
Jian Xin unconsciously bit her lower lip.
Picked Up a Heart: You gave this to me. I don’t need to get that cash back.
Perched by the Roadside: Oh, I didn’t recognize it.
Picked Up a Heart: Great people are forgetful, I get it.
Picked Up a Heart: [Hahahahaha]
Picked Up a Heart: I was just feeling emotional, nothing else.
Jian Xin looked at this conversation awkwardly.
After some thought, she went online and searched for the movies that were being released during this year’s Spring Festival. She spent about twenty minutes quickly browsing through the trailers for each one.
Then, she took a deep breath and opened her private chat with Yan Lu again.
Picked Up a Heart: There’s an animated movie coming out during this year’s Spring Festival. I’m a little interested in seeing it, but I can’t find anyone to go with. It feels a little strange to go and watch it by myself during the New Year.
Picked Up a Heart: [Trailer link]
Picked Up a Heart: Have you heard of this movie?
Perched by the Roadside: I’ve seen it around.
Picked Up a Heart: Are you interested in it? Do you want to go see it with me when I get back to Jincheng?
Waiting, after a long wait, Yan Lu’s reply came.
Perched by the Roadside: It’s alright, I can watch it.
Picked Up a Heart: Then it’s a date!
Picked Up a Heart: I’ll treat you to dinner then!
Perched by the Roadside: Mmm.
Jian Xin pursed her lips, looked at the chat history, and muttered, “It’s a date, no one is allowed to stand the other up this time…”
—There are some people in this world who like to keep everything to themselves.
Yan Lu is also this kind of person, she thought.
On the surface, she seems as calm as still water, but deep down, who knows how many undercurrents are hidden.
She had disappeared so silently back then. Who knew if a tsunami that no one had seen had also been raging in her heart.
Now that the storm had calmed, perhaps it was time for a new beginning.
Jian Xin couldn’t help but think, someone had to take the initiative. If she was indeed the one who was wrong back then, then she would be the one to take the initiative, to try and take a few more steps forward…
No matter what the outcome, it was better to try this once than to do nothing at all.
Even if in the end, she found that they were indeed not suitable for each other, at least she had tried her best once, and she would no longer be restless in the dead of night, repeatedly regretting it in her heart.
With this thought, Jian Xin suddenly felt a sense of relief.
It was as if, she had wanted to make this decision for a long time…
She hugged her phone and lay down on the bed.
The old MIDI keyboard was on her side, making it a little difficult for her to stretch her limbs.
But she just opened the small band group and changed her group nickname.
Invincible Happy Duck: I have an announcement to make!
Invincible Happy Duck: Where is everyone?
Invincible Happy Duck: @Everyone
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: [Cat peeks]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: Please begin your performance.
I’ll Procrastinate a Little Longer: [My little eyes can’t help but widen]
Invincible Happy Duck: It’s like this!
Invincible Happy Duck: After thinking about it back and forth, and in deep thought these past few days, I’ve discovered a very serious and unavoidable problem!
Invincible Happy Duck: I don’t think I’ve completely gotten over my ex!
Invincible Happy Duck: So I’ve decided, I’m going to try and see if I can get her back!
Invincible Happy Duck: I invited her to watch a movie together after the New Year, and she’s already agreed!
Jian Xin sent a bunch of messages in one go. Perhaps because she had finally said what was on her mind, her mood instantly lightened.
Invincible Happy Duck: Okay, I’m done!
Invincible Happy Duck: Do you guys have anything to say?
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: [Uninformed melon-eating crowd]
I’ll Procrastinate a Little Longer: [Watching the show]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: Oh!
Wow, really, these three are so cold!
Invincible Happy Duck: Just asking, aren’t you guys surprised at all?
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: [So scared my melon seeds fell]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: Wow, so surprised, I really didn’t expect that!
Invincible Happy Duck: [Hesitates to speak]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: So why are you announcing something that everyone already knows?
Invincible Happy Duck: I just decided today, okay?
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: If it’s something everyone knows, why did you only decide today?
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: Exactly, exactly!
I’ll Procrastinate a Little Longer: [Nods]
Invincible Happy Duck: [Hesitates to speak]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: Baby, you’re not a rabbit, and you’re not a horse.
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: You’re a very stubborn little duck.
I’ll Procrastinate a Little Longer: A duck can eat the grass around its burrow, and it can also eat the grass it’s already eaten.
Invincible Happy Duck: [Hesitates to speak]
The Dead Duck is Still Stubborn: A friendly reminder, little ducks don’t have teeth. For your physical and mental health, if you find the grass you’ve already eaten is a little hard to chew, you can eat some gravel to help with digestion!
Lan Lan Can’t Sleep Enough: Go for it, duck! You can do it!
I’ll Procrastinate a Little Longer: You can do it!
Jian Xin: “…”
Thank you so much, this reminder is so warm and kind, so healthy and wholesome.
