Chapter 1: Cheeky for a Sword & a Thief
Everyone possessed courage until they stood in that very spot.
Those who stood up to protect their hometowns, to protect their loved ones—they were all brave souls. They were all Heroes. With various thoughts in their hearts—
“…”
Until they gathered on this land and came face-to-face with the enemy of mankind.
A cacophony of roars violently shook their eardrums. The sound played by countless legs shook the earth heavily as monsters of all sizes surged forward, every single one of them specialized in killing the enemy.
A swarm of monsters that seemed to be killing intent and fighting spirit given form.
“D-Don’t falter! Fight!”
The collision occurred between the Demon King’s Army and the Grand Allied Forces formed by the cooperation of nations across the world.
In terms of numbers, they were evenly matched, or perhaps the humans had the advantage.
However, it was an utterly one-sided massacre.
“Ah, aaaah…”
Words failed them.
Large, sharp fangs and claws tore through flesh, spilling innards. Even when they tried to thrust their swords, they were blocked by fur like iron or scales harder than steel.
Against the high-ranking species, even carefully refined magic was useless.
“N-No, I don’t want to dieee!”
Their resolve snapped. Those who had been Heroes lost their courage and began to flee, casting aside shame and reputation. This was no longer a battlefield.
It was merely a place of slaughter.
“Weak of body and weak of heart. Truly ugly. In the end, you are defects created by the Goddess; you can’t do anything without clinging to her. That is what you humans are!”
A jet-black dragon attacked the back of a soldier who was fleeing while streaming tears and snot.
Just as its sharp claws were about to tear his body apart—
“Ah?”
A single sword clashed with those massive claws.
“…Huh?”
And protected the male soldier.
Intervening was,
“A lowly human stopping my blow, a blow from the primate of all beings… You bastard, who are you?”
A single human.
“Leave the rest to me.”
One whose heart did not break even after witnessing the Demon King’s army and its terrifying might.
One who possessed courage.
People called such a person—a ‘Hero’.
***
“Heheh.”
His name was Solo. Job: Pickpocket. A thief. He was a man who called himself the possessor of the Golden Left Hand, but he was actually an ex-convict who had messed up a while back and had just recently been released into the outside world.
His black hair seemed to melt into the darkness, and his sharp eyes could see through the dark night—well, not really. He was just squinting because it was dark and hard to see.
Such a man was currently wearing a frivolous smile, heading toward a certain place with a two-wheeled cart carrying a shovel.
Rewind time to about a week ago—
“I heard there’s some amazing sword in a village at such-and-such place.”
“What!?”
“But they say no one can pull it out.”
“Can it be sold for a high price? I’m penniless right now.”
“Well, I assume it would sell? …Wait, how are you going to pay for the drinks here?”
“Alright!”
End of flashback in a tavern in a certain town.
Hearing that a very rare and powerful Holy Sword, blessed by the Goddess, was located in a shithole countryside—excuse me, a remote rural village that didn’t even have a gambling den—Solo made up his mind.
That’s right. I’ll get that amazing sword and sell it off.
Unexpectedly, three hundred years ago, the Demon King’s Army—which had been defeated by the forces led by Goddess Creer-Femme and sealed in the World of Darkness—had broken that seal and just begun their invasion of our blue earth, Azul.
Apparently, they were incredibly strong, and the front lines were in a terrible state, but that had nothing to do with Solo, a civilian.
If there was any relation, it was that the value of swords and weapons would rise due to war demand.
That was why he, a city boy, had come all the way to a place like this. It was all for the sake of getting rich quick. He had a chance of winning.
He was very smart (self-proclaimed).
Pull out the Holy Sword, get picked up by the King of a great nation, and become a Hero. Then head to the battlefield… those justice idiots wouldn’t even think of it. My plan is—
Late at night, he sneaked through the sleeping village. Stealthy feet, stealthy steps. The wheels and axle of the cart were squeaking as if they lacked oil, but that was just part of the charm.
He didn’t have money to buy oil, so it couldn’t be helped.
It’s a mad idea that surpasses even the wisdom of Goddess-sama. Gahahaha!
It was a small village. After walking just a little bit, it came into view whether he wanted to see it or not.
“Ooh.”
There it was, on a hill with a good view at the edge of the village.
Just as the man in the tavern (who ended up paying for the drinks because Solo forced the bill on him and bolted) had said, it certainly looked like an amazing sword.
First of all, it was vaguely divine.
He could feel a sense of elegance from it somehow.
The red gem that looked like an eyeball was cute. The small green one also looked expensive and lovely.
Also, the pedestal was beautiful. It being a bit heavy was a miscalculation, but that was what the cart was for. Some fancy patterns were carved into it, but there was no way Solo would understand art. He planned to smash it with a hammer once he carted it away.
Yes, as everyone has probably realized by now.
The mad, demonic idea Solo came up with was—
“Phew… let’s do this.”
To dig up the pedestal with the Holy Sword stuck in it and carry the whole thing away. That was his genius idea. Based on this hackneyed concept, he had constructed this plan.
Solo had no money.
When he was caught, those damn guards confiscated everything, saying, “It’s a thief’s money, so it must all be stolen goods.” Well, it was true that he had stolen it all.
After all, he was a thief.
He needed money to live. Well, he could just steal, but having detailed sketches of his face distributed throughout the town made it painful as everyone was on high alert. He could change his hunting grounds, or he was confident he could steal even amidst such vigilance, but he was a frivolous man.
He was captive to the sweet delusion of getting rich quick.
Tomorrow’s living expenses, and meat, fish, alcohol, and women.
Dreams of debauchery drove the man forward.
Woooaaaaahhh!
If he voiced it, the villagers might wake up, so Solo screamed silently and swung the shovel with desperate frenzy, digging around the pedestal.
His hands hurt. He was tired. He wouldn’t whine.
Because the goal of his life was waiting just ahead—
I will win! I won’t die! I’ll become a winner in life! That is at least—
The result:
“…Huh?”
The pedestal didn’t budge an inch.
“W-Was I a little too shallow? Should I dig a bit more?”
Solo dug further. Dig, dig, dig through; if I break through to the other side, I win.
My—
“Why!?”
He dug through. He broke through. His tenacity should have won, yet the pedestal remained still. In short, currently, the Holy Sword along with the pedestal was floating in mid-air.
Even though it was floating, it wouldn’t move a single copper coin’s worth of distance.
This was—
“You’re kidding, right?”
The definition of wasted effort. Goddess-sama wasn’t that stupid. Surely, right about now, the Goddesses watching this spectacle were clutching their stomachs and laughing hysterically.
Solo fell to his knees weakly, hanging his head in dejection.
It was a perfect plan. When he thought of it, a shock like a lightning strike had run through him. Thinking this must be an oracle from Goddess-sama, he came all the way to this shithole countryside, and yet—
“Dammit. Making a fool of me.”
Slowly standing up, Solo kicked the Holy Sword with all his might.
However, naturally,
“Ouch!?”
Neither the Holy Sword nor the pedestal budged, leaving only pain in his foot. Solo crouched down with a sense of helplessness. In the end, he gained nothing.
You’re just a thief, know your place.
He felt like someone had said that to him.
So,
“Go to hell!”
『Hey, you idiot, stop it!』
He took a full swing with the shovel, auditory hallucinations and all. He didn’t care if both his arms broke; the blow swung with that much spirit struck the Holy Sword magnificently and sent it flying.
Yes.
“Eh?”
It came out. The Holy Sword. From the pedestal, completely.
“…It came out?”
『Cheeky for a lowly thief!』
The pulled-out Holy Sword stopped just before hitting the ground, and with a momentum reminiscent of a headbutt, it flew pommel-first toward Solo.
“Hauugh!?”
The Holy Sword’s strike landed right in his solar plexus.
It was said to be a very, very beautiful trajectory.
“Y-You… f-for a mere sword, defying a human is cheeky.”
『That’s my line, dumbass! In what world is there a guy who takes a full swing at a Holy Sword with a shovel!? Even if there’s no physical damage, my heart hurts!』
“Like I care!”
『Also, don’t talk out loud, idiot. The villagers will find out.』
“Nu, that’s true.”
『Speak in your mind. It’ll get through.』
“Mu?”
Apparently, the Holy Sword’s words weren’t sound, but were reaching his head directly.
(…Shit-for-brains Holy Sword, piece of crap.)
『Oh, looking for a fight? Bring it on. Let’s settle this thoroughly.』
(Oh, it really got through.)
『Swish swish. I’m actually agile despite how I look, you know? I bolted from the Demon King’s army warehouse with this fancy pedestal and all. Don’t think a lowly human can win against me.』
(Hoh, bring it on. It’s the ultimate showdown between a human and a prop. Thoroughly… wait, Demon King’s army?)
“What does that mean?” A question mark floated in Solo’s mind. If it was Goddess-sama’s warehouse, that would be one thing—well, even that would be a pretty strange story—but hearing it was the Demon King’s army warehouse made him feel like the story had changed significantly.
Why was a Holy Sword with the Demon King’s army?
『…Well, I’ll hold back here. Since I’m older.』
(Did you just gloss over something?)
『A-Anyway. Solo-kun, right? You have been chosen as the contractor of the honorable Holy Sword, Saintroll-sama. From now on, straighten your collar and let’s live craftily.』
(Aren’t we going to fight the Demon King’s army?)
『You idiot! Do you know how strong the Demon King’s forces are!? Of course we’re not fighting. Until the Goddess gets off her heavy ass, let’s run to the ends of the earth. That’s why I chose a petty crook like you as my contractor. Anyway, let’s bolt.』
(But, I’m planning to sell you.)
『Selling me is out of the question! In the first place, no one but the contractor can even grip me, and even if I’m sold, I’ll run away. Just like earlier.』
(Then how about a money-making scheme where I sell you, you run away, and I sell you again?)
『…You’re pretty smart, aren’t you?』
(Heheh, right?)
『That’s my contractor for you.』
Solo and the Holy Sword Saintroll exchanged a firm handshake—or rather, it felt like that as Solo gripped him and vaguely held him up to the sky.
He just wanted to try a somewhat Hero-like pose.
“『…』”
There was no particular meaning to it.
『Now, put the dirt back around the pedestal and let’s bolt.』
(Eh, that’s a pain.)
『Idiot! If you leave it like this, your criminal record will increase. If you make it look like you pulled it out properly, even if you get caught, you’ll be treated as a Hero who pulled the Holy Sword, won’t you?』
(A-Are you a genius?)
『Heheh, well yeah.』
Solo, doing as the Holy Sword said, returned the soil around the pedestal and performed site restoration work. It was different from his initial objective, but he had successfully obtained the Holy Sword.
Sell, run, sell, run. Whether the infinite money scheme would succeed was the key to the future, but for now, it was a relief.
To say it was “fully restored” was a stretch, as the digging marks were terrible, but that was just part of the charm.
“『Let’s run.』”
The hearts of one person and one sword became one.
Now, let’s step forward toward tomorrow.
Entering the Infinite Money Scheme Arc.
He left the hill with light steps. He threw the cart away somewhere and was dashing through the village with a refreshing breeze.
“Yaaawn.”
“『!?』”
A girl rubbing her sleepy eyes came out of a certain house.
Right as Solo bumped into her.
“…Who are you?”
“I-I’m not a suspicious person, okay?”
“Uncle.”
“Big Brother!”
『You idiot! Either is fine! More importantly, hide m—』
“Ah!”
The girl pointed at Solo, and at the sword Solo was holding.
“It’s Holy Sword-sama!”
“Y-Your voice is too lou—”
Solo tried to cover the girl’s mouth, but unfortunately, the girl’s loud voice echoed well in the empty village where even the insects were barely chirping.
The result:
“What is it, what is it?”
“What about Holy Sword-sama?”
“Ah, that person is gripping Holy Sword-sama!”
“N-No way.”
“That gentleman is…”
“The reincarnation of Hero-sama who descended upon this land three hundred years ago!”
He was busted, spectacularly.
(What do I do about this?)
『Wrap me in a cloth or something to hide me! You’re so sloppy!』
(You should have pointed it out too!)
『It couldn’t be helped! I’ve been bedridden for three hundred years. You think my brain is working!?』
One person and one sword having an ugly argument in his mind.
Well, it was completely too late now.
“Hero-sama. Thank you for descending.”
“I-I am, uh, not a Hero—”
“Hero-samaaa.”
Countless eyes filled with expectation shining in the dark night.
Above all,
“Uncle, are you Hero-sama?”
“Big Brother, okay? I’m only about twenty.”
“Are you not Hero-sama?”
“…I’m a Hero~.”
“Wow!”
He couldn’t escape the gaze of the girl who was the first discoverer.
『Tch, you moron.』
Solo was a little weak against girls of this age.
***
And currently,
“Gyahahahaha!”
Solo was being buttered up by the villagers and was getting completely carried away. At first, he was timidly thinking, I’ll run away the moment I see an opening, but these villagers were experts at flattery.
Or rather, this man was just too easily swayed.
Result:
“I’m a Hero, you know~”
“Kyaa, Hero-sama, you pervert~”
“Ehehehe.”
This was the sorry state of affairs.
“Shouldn’t you be setting off soon, Hero-sama?”
“Indeed.”
They had flattered him too much, but seeing the Hero frolicking around excessively, the atmosphere among the villagers had changed considerably.
『Idiot. I’m not involved in this, okay?』
Even the Holy Sword was exasperated beyond words.
It was right around that time—
“I request entry!”
In the only meeting hall of this remote village, a beauty clad in armor based on a dashing and elegant white appeared. She had beautiful platinum hair tied back in a bundle, and her eyes, filled with strong light, were opened wide with dignity.
“I heard that the Holy Sword Saintroll, blessed by the Goddess, is in this village. Will someone guide me to it?”
The beauty asked.
The villagers’ gazes turned to one spot in unison.
That was, naturally,
“…”
Directed at the rare frivolous man, the ex-convict thief feigning to be a Hero, Solo.
“Sir, you are… Don’t tell me, what is hanging at your waist is!”
The beauty turned her eyes toward Solo. Just that alone exerted enough pressure to make him wither. No matter who looked, she looked like the real deal.
If one were to define a Hero as a savior.
“U-Um, you see.”
Solo attempted an excuse, but—
“Indeed it is, Your Highness. This gentleman is the reincarnation of Hero-sama who pulled out the Holy Sword Saintroll, the Savior who will save the world.”
“My goodness!”
The beauty bowed respectfully to Solo with movements that were, again, beautiful.
“I had intended to challenge it myself, but for such a miracle to occur… This is truly Goddess Creer-sama’s guidance. My name is Luna Andreia, from the Kingdom of Andreia.”
(A-Andreia Kingdom. That’s a huge superpower! And with that surname, that p-probably means exactly what I think it means. I don’t know much about it though.)
A major nation’s… likely royalty.
Such a woman held out her hand to Solo with tears in her eyes.
“Let us save the world together, Hero-dono.”
A touching scene was born.
If there was one problem—
(Hey partner, is there any way to run away starting now?)
『Impossible. That young lady, by my assessment, is insanely strong. A small-time crook’s running speed would just get you outmaneuvered and finished in an instant.』
(No way…)
That Solo was a lying bastard pretending to be a Hero.
