Chapter 21: It’s Hard to Admit That Your Heart Is in Turmoil

The wine was Shen Jingsong’s attempt to cover her tracks.

With that flush coloring her cheeks, every reckless impulse suddenly had a perfectly reasonable excuse.

The tablet blared out some garbled foreign language audio. Shen Jingsong paused it and flipped it face-down on the desk. Unaware of her footing, she knocked over the wine bottle.

It rolled across the floor with a clatter, slamming into the baseboard with a metallic clang. Shen Jingsong swayed, and a firm hand pressed against the small of her back. A warm body drew close as Xia Zhuxi steadied her.

“Sister Jingsong, let’s sit down first,” Xia Zhuxi said, guiding her to the edge of the bed. The chair was too small; Shen Jingsong wouldn’t have been comfortable there.

Xia Zhuxi handed Shen Jingsong a bottle of mineral water. “Whatever you want to say, I’m here.”

Shen Jingsong’s gaze swept over the bottle on the floor. She’d drunk quite a bit, while Xia Zhuxi had barely touched hers.

She was still clear-headed—far more so than Shen Jingsong.

Shen Jingsong smiled. The person beside her was filled with concern. In her mind, she traced the lines of Xia Zhuxi’s features, committing her face to memory.

Xia Zhuxi had never refused her.

Xia Zhuxi was always so warm and gentle with her.

Xia Zhuxi was the most genuine soul she’d ever met.

They were blood sisters, yet they resembled each other not in the slightest.

—Pei Ziying didn’t deserve such a wonderful little sister as Xia Zhuxi.

Shen Jingsong leaned back slightly, propping her arms on the bed. Her shimmering eyes fixed on Xia Zhuxi. “Didn’t you ask how I met your sister?”

She brushed her hair back behind her ear. “I originally thought Pei Ziying was your family, and I was the outsider, so some things weren’t for me to say. But since you asked…” Her gaze darkened. “I want to tell you myself.”

Xia Zhuxi’s breathing slowed.

Tiny motes of dust drifted lazily in the warm yellow light, a soft curtain of heat shutting out the chill night breeze beyond.

Shen Jingsong parted her red lips. “At the freshman welcome party my first year, I performed a solo dance. Your sister cornered me backstage…”

Pei Ziying presented Shen Jingsong with a massive bouquet of red roses and a piece of designer jewelry.

The backstage area erupted in whoops and cheers, but Shen Jingsong didn’t spare it a glance. She skirted around her and left.

Back then, Shen Jingsong had stood out at A Film Academy for her striking looks and aura, earning her a bit of fame.

But her family was poor, and her aloof personality kept her from fitting in. Over time, she grew distant from her classmates.

Pei Ziying, the goddess of the directing department at A Film Academy, was beautiful and wealthy, with suitors lining up around the block. Yet she was fiercely independent. She helped Shen Jingsong collect cardboard and plastic bottles for recycling, shared cheap five-yuan cafeteria meals with her, skipped golf outings to bike out to the suburbs for strawberry picking… Shen Jingsong rejected her time and again, only for Pei Ziying’s pursuit to burn even hotter.

Everyone around them whispered: Poor lovesick heiress. Shen Jingsong was ungrateful.

When Pei Ziying heard, she posted on the school’s confession wall: Please don’t speak ill of Jingsong. Love or not is a personal choice—there’s no right or wrong. Respect that.

One frigid winter weekend, her roommates were all out. Shen Jingsong lay in the dorm, battling a nasty flu and a raging fever.

Pei Ziying happened to stop by the dorm looking for her. She piggybacked her all the way to the school clinic and stayed by her side for the entire IV drip.

After that, Shen Jingsong’s attitude softened. Little by little, she began accepting some of Pei Ziying’s inexpensive gestures of kindness.

Like a naive little animal, Shen Jingsong stepped deeper into Pei Ziying’s trap.

By Shen Jingsong’s junior year, Qi Peijun had an unexpected injury that led to a spinal infection. The skyrocketing medical bills became another crushing burden on the Shen Family.

Shen Jingsong scrambled desperately for work and gigs: tutoring, online modeling, bridal runway shows, extras… But no matter how hard she hustled, she couldn’t keep up with the hospital’s mounting invoices!

“Want to star as my female lead? I can pay you two hundred thousand,” Pei Ziying offered.

Pei Ziying had taken on a private directing gig that no one else at school wanted. She tricked Shen Jingsong into thinking it was a Pei Family-backed production, so she had the final say on casting.

Many students at A Film Academy had connections and resources. Someone like Pei Ziying, the daughter of a publicly listed corporate giant, came with her own capital. Faced with this lifeline, Shen Jingsong never suspected a thing. She could only cling to it desperately.

So when Pei Ziying suggested they head back to her hometown together over summer break, Shen Jingsong guessed her intentions. Remembering how sincerely Pei Ziying had treated her, she agreed.

Pei Ziying took her hand with a smile. “If you come home with me, does that mean you’re officially with me?”

The innocent Shen Jingsong blushed at the flirtatious words—it was the first time she’d heard anything like it—and nodded silently.

Before the break, Shen Jingsong ran into Li Baopeng on the commercial street outside A Film Academy.

Li Baopeng cornered her, demanding money. Pei Ziying shielded her the whole way.

Shen Jingsong was deeply touched. She felt so lucky to have won Pei Ziying’s love.

Pei Ziying took her shopping, buying her piles of designer clothes, shoes, and bags. Shen Jingsong politely declined, but Pei Ziying insisted: “You’re coming home with me, meeting all my relatives and friends. You need to look the part of my girlfriend.”

Shen Jingsong worried that her simple, impoverished look might embarrass Pei Ziying, so she reluctantly accepted the offer but told her, “I’ll pay you back once we’re back at school.”

Yet when Shen Jingsong arrived at the Pei family home, Pei Ziying introduced her to Pei Jianxun and Xia Jie. “Dad, Mom, this is my classmate, Shen Jingsong.”

It came as a surprise—and a twinge of disappointment.

But no matter; it was just a label. Ziying had her reasons. Shen Jingsong reminded herself that when visiting a wealthy family, one must be polite and observe proper etiquette.

That evening, Pei Ziying coaxed her with sweet words. “My parents don’t like me dating girls, so it’s best to keep it under wraps for now. Once we’re financially independent, I’ll love you properly.”

Shen Jingsong replied softly, “Okay.”

Once Pei Ziying had left the room to take a bath, Shen Jingsong gazed into the mirror. Loneliness fell over her eyes like snowflakes drifting down.

She picked up her lip gloss and drew a little peach heart in the hollow of her neck. What, she wondered, truly counted as “loving someone properly”?

Suddenly, a gust of wind nudged the ajar door open.

Shen Jingsong turned—and caught sight of the light.

“Hello, I’m just grabbing something for Pei Ziying.”

In walked a girl with a striking personality. She seemed deep in her rebellious phase, exuding cold arrogance and an aura that kept everyone at bay.

Shen Jingsong recalled Pei Ziying mentioning her troublesome little sister.

She hurried to greet the girl. “Good evening.”

Pei Ziying and her sister didn’t get along at all.

In truth, the entire Pei family had a terribly strained relationship with this youngest daughter.

Deep down, Shen Jingsong felt it was deeply unfair. She knew nothing of the family’s internal conflicts, but Xia Zhuxi wasn’t the “bad kid” they made her out to be.

Perhaps it stemmed from their shared history of being bullied, or maybe from the warmth of Teacher Shen’s past kindness—either way, Shen Jingsong ached for this defiant little sister and wanted to do something for her.

A hair clip, a popsicle, a few words of encouragement.

Trivial things, perhaps, but she hoped they might bring Xia Zhuxi a spark of joy.

Shen Jingsong loved watching Xia Zhuxi smile; it was like ice melting away.

Pei Ziying’s hometown boasted a famously auspicious White Dragon Temple, and Shen Jingsong wanted to go light incense for her mother.

Halfway there in the car, Pei Ziying teased her half-jokingly. “Jingsong, I spoil you rotten. Don’t you think you owe me a little something in return?”

Shen Jingsong blinked in confusion. “Is it that you didn’t like the thank-you gift I gave you?”

Pei Ziying flashed a sly, suggestive smile and rested her hand on Shen Jingsong’s thigh. “I’ve even told my friends you’re my girlfriend.” She tugged open Shen Jingsong’s collar, trailing her index finger down her neck. “A girlfriend wouldn’t refuse to let me hold her, would she?”

The brazen touch terrified Shen Jingsong. This version of Pei Ziying felt like a complete stranger.

Pei Ziying’s fingers probed roughly inward. Shen Jingsong instinctively clutched at her chest, staring at her in panic.

Pei Ziying’s face soured. She tsked in annoyance. “We’ve already gone that far together—why won’t you let me touch you?”

Shen Jingsong shrank back, wracked with guilt. “I’m sorry, Ziying. I’m just not ready yet.” Logically, some intimacy between girlfriends was perfectly normal, but she utterly loathed Pei Ziying’s crude way of going about it.

Pei Ziying forced the issue a few more times after that, and Shen Jingsong resisted on instinct every single time.

In the end, those instincts proved right.

At the start of their senior year, Shen Jingsong attended a party with Pei Ziying.

Halfway there, the car broke down. Pei Ziying headed to a service station to buy something, leaving Shen Jingsong to doze off in the back seat.

When she woke, Pei Ziying still hadn’t returned. Worried that something had happened, Shen Jingsong scrambled out of the car to search for her.

That’s when she overheard Pei Ziying on the phone:

“Shen Jingsong? As if I’d ever get serious about her!”

“Shengjing University City is full of options. Aside from Chu Yun’s crowd—which I wouldn’t dare touch—the rest are just pretty toys to play with.”

“If I were looking for a real girlfriend, it’d have to be someone worthy of me!”

“At the very least, a Z Drama Campus Belle like that icy beauty Lu Guanlan. I love watching stuck-up goddesses bend for me. And Dad says the Lu family’s fashion empire plugs right into our business gaps. Lu Guanlan’s got what it takes to be my main girl.”

Her main girl?

So Shen Jingsong was just a side piece? A fuck buddy?

Pei Ziying, you absolute relic of the Stone Age—rewinding the wheels of evolution?

Shen Jingsong laughed bitterly in fury.

And then came Pei Ziying’s infamous gem: “Feed a stray cat, and it’ll let you pet it. Shen Jingsong? Not even that.”

No breakup speech needed. Shen Jingsong hurled every gift from Pei Ziying off the dorm balcony and blocked her cold.

Soon after, A Film Academy’s confession wall featured Pei Ziying’s post: “In the end, she chose to abandon me.”

The comments overflowed with vile abuse aimed at Shen Jingsong.

Pei Ziying’s admirers cornered her, hurling slurs—slut, gold-digger, heartless bitch.

That was when Shen Jingsong discovered she’d been grouped and muted in Pei Ziying’s social circle.

In the corner of that circle hidden from her view, Pei Ziying had posted endless updates about her girl-hunting escapades.

Among the comments about Shen Jingsong were these gems: “Over three years, I dropped **10,000 bucks on that woman, and she wouldn’t even let me touch her neck.”

“Poor little bitch, putting on airs.”

But that wasn’t the end of it.

The real bombshell came next.

When Pei Ziying had tapped Shen Jingsong to star in her music video, they hadn’t gotten around to signing a contract. Whether Pei Ziying had forgotten to notify the production team about the cast change or something else, one of the producers actually tracked Shen Jingsong down in person to make her sign it:

《Must-Watch for Otakus: Innocent College Girl Sings Alone at Home—Sounds Amazing in 4K HD》

…

Shen Jingsong’s face was frosty. “Get lost.”

After graduation, Pei Ziying jetted off to France for grad school.

The world finally felt clean.

Shen Jingsong left that ridiculous past behind and threw herself into work. Starting as a bit-part extra, she clawed her way up from the bottom, year after year of diligence and hustle, until she finally carved out a solid foothold in the entertainment industry.

~~~

“These are all the experiences between your sister and me.”

It was deep into the night.

Xia Zhuxi’s eyes were red-rimmed, her anger bubbling over.

Shen Jingsong’s voice remained calm. “Xiao Xi, your sister Pei Ziying is an arrogant, selfish, snobbish, hypocritical, and utterly vicious little snake.”

She cracked open the last bottle of beer. “Believe me or not—it’s up to you.”

Xia Zhuxi snatched the bottle from her grasp. The clear liquid sloshed inside the deep green glass.

Shen Jingsong looked up. Xia Zhuxi’s knuckles stood out white against her skin as she gripped it tight.

Xia Zhuxi stared deep into her eyes. “Sister Jingsong, I have one more question.”

Shen Jingsong gave a soft hum.

Xia Zhuxi’s voice was hoarse. “That night at the engagement banquet… were you crying because of Pei Ziying?”

Crying? She’d probably laugh if Pei Ziying were six feet under.

That night on the hotel balcony, gazing at the stars, Shen Jingsong had indeed lost control for a moment and shed a few tears. She hadn’t realized Xia Zhuxi had misunderstood.

Shen Jingsong was direct. “No. It was because of my mom.”

She pulled up the hospital call notifying her that Qi Peijun was critically ill, the call log from Betty urging her to catch a flight, a photo of the surgery consent form, and her chat records with the doctor.

She showed them all to Xia Zhuxi one by one.

Each record was timestamped.

The hospital call had come right during the time Xia Zhuxi was passed out drunk; Betty’s call to Shen Jingsong had interrupted Xia Zhuxi’s proposal; the photo of the surgery consent and the chat with the doctor were both after Shen Jingsong had added Xia Zhuxi on QQ.

Every piece of evidence lined up perfectly.

Shen Jingsong’s hand lightened as Xia Zhuxi pulled the bottle away and threw her head back for a long swig.

“Xiao Xi?” Shen Jingsong said, startled. She reached for the bottle, worried she’d choke.

The bitter alcohol burned down Xia Zhuxi’s throat. Her breathing slowed from ragged gasps to steady, her chest rising and falling.

Then she bowed her head and fell silent.

Crickets chirped in the courtyard.

After a long moment, Shen Jingsong reached out and gently gathered Xia Zhuxi’s disheveled long hair.

“Sister Jingsong.” Xia Zhuxi’s voice was thick with tears. “Can I… hug you?”

Under the light, glistening tears caught in her orange strands.

Shen Jingsong wrapped her arms around Xia Zhuxi’s shoulders. Xia Zhuxi pulled her close, holding her tight.

“Don’t cry, Xiao Xi.”

“Shen Jingsong, I’m all grown up now. From here on out, I’ll protect you.”

The alcohol and tears weighed down her eyelids.

They exchanged a few more halting words before she drifted off, she wasn’t sure when.

Wavering birdsong woke her the next morning.

Shen Jingsong opened her eyes in her mother’s old bedroom and checked her phone: 5:30 a.m.

She got up and dressed, ready to head to the hospital.

Xia Zhuxi was sleeping in the next room.

Shen Jingsong stepped into the outer hall and glanced at the closed door with its “No Admittance” sign.

A smile tugged at her lips as she headed to the bathroom to freshen up.

Passing the fabric rack, she spotted a bolt of snow-patterned satin—likely dropped off by her mother’s tailor.

Shen Jingsong’s lashes fluttered, her gaze softening.

After breakfast, she left a portion for Xia Zhuxi on the table, covered with a fine mesh dome.

She was just about to text her when the “No Admittance” door creaked open. Xia Zhuxi poked her head out, bedhead and all.

“Did I wake you?”

“Sister Jingsong, why didn’t you call me? You’re heading to the hospital, right? Wait up—I’ll be ready in a sec.”

Xia Zhuxi padded over in slippers to grab her toothbrush cup.

Spotting the mini sewing kit on Shen Jingsong’s bookshelf, she asked, “Sister Jingsong, do you sew too?”

“I do. It’s a hobby of mine—making hanfu. I even made the costumes for one of my dramas myself.”

“Wow!”

Xia Zhuxi had toothpaste foam at the corner of her mouth as she brushed. Shen Jingsong approached with a soft measuring tape, gently pulling it from Xia Zhuxi’s left shoulder to her right and jotting down the measurement. Then she curved it around her collar for the neck size and noted that down too.

Xia Zhuxi lowered her head. Shen Jingsong’s eyelashes were so long, her skin so fair. Shen Jingsong spread her arms wide, wrapping the soft measuring tape around Xia Zhuxi’s back and across her chest.

Shen Jingsong suddenly raised her head, their gazes locking together. “I’ll make it for you?”

Thump thump.

Thump thump.

Xia Zhuxi lingered on Shen Jingsong’s pupils, utterly intoxicated.