Chapter 1

【Teacher Wen, I like you so much.】

Half-asleep, Si Nanyu kept repeating that one sentence over and over, but when the harsh light swept over her, she reluctantly cracked her eyes open anyway.

And immediately shut her mouth again.

Everything around her was unfamiliar. Beyond the glaring light there were pristine white walls and the steady beep of a monitor.

Squinting, Si Nanyu took a moment to get her bearings.

Then she confirmed it: she was in a hospital.

The beeping came from the machines hooked up to her own body.

Heart rate normal. Blood pressure normal. As for the rest… before she could read any further, the door swung open from outside.

She yanked the blanket up over herself like she was hiding, and squeezed her eyes shut again.

To all appearances she was sleeping soundly, but her darting eyes betrayed her unease. And her guilt.

How could she possibly stay calm? How could she not feel guilty?

She couldn’t. Not even a little.

Because the very first time she’d gotten drunk as an adult, she had drunk herself straight into a hospital bed.

And if she thought back on why she’d been drinking…

It was because of Wen Qingyan.

Because of Wen Qingyan, her assistant homeroom teacher, the woman she had spent nearly three years “getting along with” until her heart quietly fell.

The moment Wen Qingyan’s name surfaced, Si Nanyu’s thoughts began to scatter.

Back to first year of high school, when Wen Qingyan had come to their class as an intern teacher.

Wen Qingyan hadn’t been especially gentle back then, but whenever someone asked her a question, she always answered with a faint smile. Her eyes, half-hidden behind her glasses, were strikingly beautiful, and when she smiled it showed only as the smallest curve of her lips.

It was those smiles, one after another, that captured Si Nanyu’s heart.

Of course, quite possibly, very probably, Wen Qingyan had never intended to capture anything. But Si Nanyu fell all the same.

Si Nanyu wasn’t what you’d call a problem student, yet she got called in for parent meetings all the time, because her grades were hopelessly lopsided and she dragged along at the bottom of the class. She hadn’t cared before, but once Wen Qingyan appeared, she started to. Wen Qingyan taught chemistry, and science was, for her, a subject of pure catastrophe.

But Wen Qingyan had a kind of pull that made Si Nanyu want to draw closer. Subjects she had once despised, she suddenly began chasing with everything she had.

From her initial timidity and nerves, she had become, by second year, the student who visited Wen Qingyan’s office more often than anyone else.

It was for those beautiful eyes at first. Over time, she would find herself staring blankly at Wen Qingyan’s lips as they moved, and after being called out on it a few times, her cheeks would burn hot all over again.

Thanks to her persistence and Wen Qingyan’s patience, her science grades actually improved, and Wen Qingyan took up permanent residence in her heart.

Rooted, sprouted, the kind of thing that couldn’t be yanked out no matter how hard you tried.

So once the Gaokao was over, Si Nanyu got drunk on the school rooftop and composed a long, embarrassingly sappy little essay addressed to Wen Qingyan.

Otherwise known as: a confession text.

She’d started writing it from the very first meeting.

That day had happened to be Wen Qingyan’s first day at the school. Because of the constant fighting between her parents, Si Nanyu had been standing under the big tree by the school gate, her eyes red and swollen from crying.

Wen Qingyan had handed her a tissue, along with a faint smile.

Unlike later on, Wen Qingyan hadn’t been wearing glasses that day, and her eyes had been full of nothing but warmth.

Unfortunately, Si Nanyu had been far too young back then, and too tangled up in her parents’ mess, to understand what that heart-stopping flutter even meant. As time went on, though, she came to understand.

The confession text laid everything out in painstaking detail, pouring out a young girl’s overwhelming love.

While writing it, Si Nanyu teared up again and again, for her own sake, and for the sake of Wen Qingyan, whom she loved.

She didn’t dare speak of love, because her ability, her experience, everything about her fell short.

But she dared say like, because emotions bottled up for so long needed somewhere to go.

And now.

Now all Si Nanyu felt was the urge to burrow into the nearest crack in the floor.

She could feel the fine sweat coating her clenched hands, felt her heart hammering, and didn’t dare open her eyes.

Then a voice drifted over…

The sound came from far away and drew closer, blurring in Si Nanyu’s ears: “…She’s fine, really. Her heart’s beating nice and strong, no need to worry at all~”

It should be a female doctor, doing her best to reassure someone…

Reassuring whom, though?

Her mom?

Most likely not. Since the divorce, Qin Hua’s burdens had doubled, and building her business had been a brutal uphill climb. Si Nanyu rarely got to see her at all.

This time was no different. She’d promised to keep Si Nanyu company during the Gaokao, but never made it back from the factory. Her dad, Si Xueyi, had stayed with her for a day and a half, then handed her off to his driver, and the moment the exams ended she was dropped straight back home.

She lived with Qin Hua, in a two-story little house the two of them had split in the divorce, the same house Si Nanyu had grown up in.

When Qin Hua wasn’t around, the housekeeper auntie would come by to cook.

That day had been the same. She’d waited until the auntie left, lain in bed for half an hour after dinner, and only then gone out.

She hadn’t planned on drinking. But the more she dwelled on never seeing Wen Qingyan again, the worse it hurt, so she’d bought a few bottles of beer on the street and headed for the school.

In any case.

She couldn’t for the life of her figure out who was standing beside her bed.

The confession text never went out. The alcohol had knocked her flat before she could send it, so there was no way Wen Qingyan knew.

No matter what, Wen Qingyan could not find out.

As long as that message stayed unsent, she could pretend nothing had ever happened.

So Si Nanyu told herself, deceiving no one but herself, and grew a little bolder. Cracking her eyes open into a sliver, she peeked toward the bedside.

Sure enough, right beside her stood the doctor from a moment ago, turned sideways, older, slightly plump, smiling as she spoke to the person across the bed: “Her vitals are stable and the results all look fine, but she did take a knock to the head, so we’d recommend keeping her for one day of observation. Of course, if you prefer, you can handle the discharge paperwork for your wife right now.”

Her wife?!!!

Si Nanyu’s ears told her she had almost certainly heard right. Wife. But reality told her that was impossible…

She was only eighteen, and in love with a woman besides. There was no way she could be anyone’s wife!

So she’d misheard? Or maybe it was one of those words that sounded like…?

Though her eyes stayed shut, her brows knitted without her noticing as she turned the question over, her gaze darting beneath the lids. She didn’t register it herself, but the more she thought, the more tangled everything became, and just then the person beside her let out a soft, quiet sigh.

The instant Si Nanyu heard it, her whole body went rigid, because she knew that sigh intimately.

Every time she was asked one of those deep, complicated questions and needed forever to work out the answer, Wen Qingyan would sigh just like that, then patiently walk her through it.

Once upon a time… Si Nanyu had adored that sound, because it meant Wen Qingyan cared. But now it was different.

She could feel the impatience in it. The fatigue.

Knowing Wen Qingyan was right there at her side, Si Nanyu steeled herself, turned over, and opened her mouth. “Wen… uh! Cough, cough…”

She couldn’t even get the words out. Her throat was too dry, and her voice cracked and stuck.

“Is pretending to sleep fun?”

The person beside her stepped back a few paces as she spoke and leaned against the edge of the bed, regarding Si Nanyu with the light at her back.

Arms crossed, face like ice, a faint weariness and impatience drawn between her brows.

Si Nanyu blinked rapidly, and felt the back of her neck go cold…

Oh no.

She had gotten drunk, been caught by Wen Qingyan…

…and then, pathetically, drunk herself right into the hospital.

Si Nanyu hunched her shoulders, pushed herself halfway up on her hands, and called out ingratiatingly, “Teacher Wen…”

“Heh…”

The eyes that always smiled for her were now a sheet of frost. Wen Qingyan adjusted her glasses and let out that one cold laugh.

Si Nanyu swallowed hard on instinct. She wanted to apologize, wanted to… wanted to beg Wen Qingyan not to tell Qin Hua, that she was eighteen now and could answer for herself.

But that cold laugh stuffed every word back down her throat. Her face burned crimson, and after struggling for ages she could only choke out, “You’re right, Teacher Wen, I…”

Wen Qingyan hadn’t actually said a single thing. Which meant that, in her eyes, Si Nanyu was clearly trying to fob her off again, to brush her aside.

Her expression grew another degree colder, and she looked away from Si Nanyu entirely.

Just then the door was pushed open from outside once more. Wen Qingyan glanced over and saw Qin Hua sweep in like a gust of wind, crossing the room in a few quick strides to plant herself in front of Si Nanyu, pointing as she shouted, “Are you trying to kill yourself? Getting yourself hospitalized again!”

Si Nanyu finally got a clear look at the newcomer. A short, shoulder-length bob, moving like the wind, brisk and no-nonsense.

A roar that shook the rafters… it was her familiar old mom, Qin Hua.

Terror made Si Nanyu’s eyes blink furiously as a single thought rang through her head: too late, it’s all too late.

Even if she hadn’t been struck speechless by Wen Qingyan, even if she’d managed to beg her not to tell her mom, it was too late now.

“You can’t take your work seriously, and come the weekend you play until something breaks. Was your time off meant for digging your own grave?”

“One of these days I’m selling that whole pile of junk of yours!”

Qin Hua’s face darkened with every word of the scolding, and Si Nanyu watched her heart in her throat. She could only remember seeing this version of Qin Hua when she was very, very small.

And without exception it had been during her fights with Si Xueyi. In the year and more since the divorce, Qin Hua had always felt she owed her daughter something, and with them seeing each other so rarely, she’d only ever treated her with warmth and smiles.

Si Nanyu found the whole thing baffling, but she didn’t miss the keywords buried in Qin Hua’s rant.

Work. Weekend. Pile of junk.

Of the three, only the word “weekend” rang half-familiar. Senior year was crushing under its workload, and Si Nanyu hadn’t had a proper weekend in ages.

What weekends, even?

“Mom… what on earth are you talking about?” Si Nanyu asked Qin Hua in the smallest of voices. Qin Hua paused at that, glanced over at Wen Qingyan, and snapped, “Stop playing dumb!”

“I’m not playing dumb! So I got drunk one time…” Si Nanyu fired back, though the more she spoke, the less conviction she had, her voice shrinking smaller and smaller.

Instinct told her something was off. She blinked up innocently, but Qin Hua, past listening to a word, only grew angrier, raising her voice in exasperation. “Little Wen is swamped with work, and she still has to drop everything to clean up your messes!”

“Mom, the doctor recommends one more day of observation.” Wen Qingyan cut in quietly, and Qin Hua fell silent at once.

Si Nanyu, meanwhile, was left utterly adrift in the wind.

What did Wen Qingyan just call her mom?

Mom…?

Si Nanyu looked back and forth between Wen Qingyan and Qin Hua, thoroughly baffled, utterly convinced she’d misheard.

Or that she was still dreaming.

But Wen Qingyan was already ushering Qin Hua toward the door, murmuring something in a low voice.

Wen Qingyan seemed to have deliberately lowered her tone, and Si Nanyu could only catch fragments.

“Mom, I have a meeting this afternoon, so I’ll have to leave Nanyu with you. I’ll come over tonight…”

“Nanyu’s immaturity is my fault. Little Wen, you go be busy, I’ll come tonight…”

Qin Hua demurred a few more times, and the rest was lost on Si Nanyu. When the two finished talking, Qin Hua shot her one last resentful glare before turning back to Wen Qingyan. “I’ll go buy some food. You eat first, then head to work.”

Wen Qingyan saw her out, closed the door, and walked straight back to Si Nanyu’s bedside.

Si Nanyu bit her lip, asking through her confusion, “Teacher Wen, you called my mom…”

“Was it fun?”

“What…?” Si Nanyu’s lip slipped free as she looked up at Wen Qingyan.

It was the first time since waking that she’d looked at Wen Qingyan from this close.

Her black-framed glasses were gone, replaced by rimless ones. Her features somehow seemed softer, and at the corners of her eyes, faint fine lines were just barely visible…

She wasn’t the gentle, lecturing teacher of the past. Her eyes were rimmed faintly red.

Bending down, she asked, enunciating every single word: “Si. Nan. Yu. Is pretending to have amnesia fun?”

“And all those little tricks you pulled in that bed? Were those fun too?”