Chapter 115
“If it’s really too much trouble, then forget it. We’re not that close anyway. I’ll go and talk to the landlady later.”
Xia Qiange lowered her head and chewed the sweet and white rice in her mouth. Her jaw muscles were working, and she was crushing them with her sharp teeth. She seemed to have seen the unbearable look in his eyes and had dismissed this proposal with a nonchalant look.
“Let’s go. How can we not go after we’ve already agreed? I can take a day off.”
Su Yu shook his head and said with a smile, “I was just thinking about taking a day off.”
He was still escaping, avoiding the future that he couldn’t see. He was standing in place, hesitating. He had already surrendered to loneliness and solitude once. He longed to be loved, and he was greedy for the peace of this moment, and he hoped that the future would be the same.
Xia Qiange raised her head, and her dark pupils rolled. She nodded in silence.
“I’ll go and wash the dishes. You can bring the bowl in after you’ve finished eating.”
He struggled to stand up and carried a few empty bowls and plates and walked to the kitchen step by step. The floor was as if it were covered with sharp and gleaming blades. He was walking through a bloody mess, and the pain was forcing him to walk with a trembling gait. The desolation was pressing on his tall and straight back, and it was bent down. The ferocious blue veins were crawling on the back of his hand, which was clenched into a fist. His back, which was facing her, was a little pathetic.
“Do you need my help?”
“No.” He refused in a hoarse voice, without a single sound, but it was as if he had been crying his heart out.
Xia Qiange was leaning against the chair, and she was looking at the opposite direction of the kitchen with a blank expression, her voice without any fluctuation.
She could imagine the embarrassment of the person behind her. He was probably hunched over like a lonely ghost with nowhere to go, pathetic, self-conscious, and ugly… he needed to use all the negative words to properly describe a man who was wandering on the edge of a cliff and was only one step away from falling into the bottom of the valley.
But it’s still not enough… how is this enough?
Is this what she wants now? She quickly denied it in her heart. There was still something missing. There must be something missing. It was like a crown that was missing a gem. It had lost its brilliance, and it had also lost its majesty. Everything was still not perfect.
The pain she had been thinking about day and night for so long, the torment of being so close but not being able to get it, who could know? How could she be willing to accept it?
Su Yu came out of the kitchen after he had washed the dishes. He laughed twice and said he was tired. For a long time, he had not waited for her to go to bed with him. He went back to the bedroom by himself.
Xia Qiange silently watched as the door of the bedroom slowly closed, swallowing his dejected back. So pathetic. He was like a cowardly deserter on a battlefield. But no matter what, she was so obsessed with him. No matter how he looked down on himself, the only one she loved was him. Even this pathetic and unbearable appearance, she loved him to the bone.
…
It was late at night, and the streetlights were out. The neighborhood was silent. The white incandescent light above her head cast a dim halo that enveloped her thin and slender body. From a certain night after she had gotten him, she had been tormented by insomnia for a long time. She would always wake up without any warning, and then she would not be able to fall asleep for a long time.
Xia Qiange pushed open the door and walked into the bedroom. A bedside lamp was on in the room, and the warm and dim halo of light had dispelled the thick darkness for her. She was able to see his sleeping face. His eyebrows were furrowed, and his emotions were reflected on his face from his dream, and they were flashing, uneasy, sad, and unwilling…
She took the tranquilizer and a glass of cold water and walked to the bed. She walked towards him and stopped in front of him, squatting down. She stared at his gentle and handsome eyebrows and eyes, and she was mesmerized.
Xia Qiange swallowed the tranquilizer and sleeping pills in her palm with cold water. The cold water rolled down her throat, but her gaze was tightly fixed on him. Her fingertips were on her palm, and she was rubbing and pricking them.
She didn’t know how many times she had stared at him like this on a sleepless night. She was like a miser who was guarding a treasure day and night. Her fingertips slid along his eyebrows and eyes, over the high bridge of his nose, and landed on his thin and chiseled lips. She seemed to be unable to get enough of this scene. She was greedy and shameless, and she admitted the amazing temptation behind it.
Was he seducing her by being so defenseless in front of her?
Then she had lost completely. Desire was rampant at night. Her slender calves went weak, and she knelt on the floor. A sour feeling welled up between her legs, and her thighs were clenched together. Her snow-white soft flesh was pressed together. Desire was like the wild grass that was growing wildly after spring. At this moment, she just wanted to swallow him whole, to swallow and tear at that wonderful fruit, to see the blood-red color stain and defile her pure and flawless body in the boy’s eyes.
The baseness of human nature is such that when you can’t have it, you’re heartbroken. The moment you get it, you reach nirvana, but it’s fleeting. You savor the initial excitement and then feel that it’s nothing special. It’s a cycle, and you’re never satisfied.
He was so dazzling back then, like the scorching sun in the sky. The pain of thinking about him day and night, shaking the filthy turbidity in her soul, made her walk towards the light. She tried to get closer, but she was burned by the sunlight. She couldn’t have him. They were separated by a chasm.
So many people loved him, liked him, and talked to him. She was so ordinary in the crowd.
But now he had fallen, was flawed, had become self-conscious and cowardly. His whole person was thrown to the ground and had rotted into a pile of mud. He was almost within reach if she just bent down. How could she not completely control him, hold him in her palm, and occupy his interpretation of the world? He was her only one.
So he would never see those people again in his life. Only she would be by his side. She would become the special one. She would always love him, comfort him, and kiss him. It didn’t matter if he had no identity or dignity. As long as she loved him, it was fine.
She wanted him to willingly offer her the hot, beating heart in his chest, which was only beating for her. And she loved him so much. So they would never be separated. For him, the bewildered and helpless future, she clearly understood that it was a smooth path to happiness and joy.
Xia Qiange stood up and tucked him in. Her heart was in a mess. Since she had moved to the capital, she had been exposing herself bit by bit. She had clearly been very restrained, but this feeling of being out of control was really not good. It made her want to go crazy.
She was a sick person, a madly obsessive illness. If the good medicine could not be taken in one day, her illness would not be cured.
Marriage…
She couldn’t help but think of this really beautiful word again. She covered her heart, and the corners of her lips were once again raised. It was rare to have something that made her heart throb so much in this world. She was pulling him into the darkness, and she herself was also in the water.
The night was getting deeper. She gently climbed onto the bed and turned off the faint light at the head of the bed. The darkness enveloped them. She got closer and curled up in his warm embrace. She closed her eyes, and under the effect of the drug, the deep-seated illness in her bones returned to a dead silence. Her greed and obsession finally fell asleep.
…
