Chapter 30: Past
“Don’t hurt yourself. That has nothing to do with love. It’s another kind of escape.”
He touched her face, thought for a long time, and said to her.
“Qian Ge, I was also escaping before. But this time, I’ll wait for you. I’ll wait for you to catch up with me, to become brave, to be able to withstand the fall and the darkness. I’ve never been your good medicine. You are your own.”
She was stunned, her face full of confusion and daze. The carefully planned calculation had been broken at a certain point, and then she was at a loss.
The distant sun was shining, and she, in the deep sea, was seduced by the warmth and the light. So she had jumped out of the sea, and she had been covered in wounds.
She was like a struggling, dying fish. And what she had been trying to get rid of was the sea that had actually given her oxygen.
…
About half a week. Su Yu had come back from the hospital early to get a change of clothes for the two of them.
When he was going upstairs, he was stopped by the landlady. She looked him up and down. He had been in the hospital for these past few days, and he was scruffy. The wrinkles at the corners of her eyes deepened. She held him, and her tone was earnest.
“Xiao Yu, where have you been recently? I’ve seen Qian Ge shut herself in the house these past few days. When I see her, she’s always carrying a large basket of wine. I was thinking that you two young people might have had a fight, so I didn’t say anything.”
Su Yu opened his mouth, but the words disappeared in his throat. His eyelids slowly sank. He wanted to hold on, but he was a little tired from these concerns.
“We had a little fight. But it’s all good now.”
“That’s good, that’s good. That child, Qian Ge, is very emotional. You have to treat her well. So what are you two now?”
“She’s sick and in the hospital. I’ll take a break and prepare some clothes to take to her.”
“I see. If you have any financial problems, then the rent and all that… I can wait. It’s not easy for you young people to come to a big city to work hard.”
“No need. I’m sorry to have worried you, auntie.”
He smiled and looked up at the scene, which he had slowly become familiar with after living here for a few days.
Finally, he said.
“Anyway… everything will be fine.”
The key was inserted, and the lock tongue popped open. A thin layer of dust was on the doorknob. The dust was shaken off, and it was floating in the light.
The furnishings of the rental house were still the same. The smell of the two of them having lived here was still on every item. The sofa was a little messy. He had been in such a hurry to send the person to the hospital that day that he had not had time to come back and tidy up these past few days.
The clothes that had been hanging on the balcony had been taken down and were thrown on the bed. Su Yu chose a set of seasonal clothes from them and was going to take them with him. He folded the other clothes and opened the cabinet where she had put her clothes. The red suitcase, which was lying flat at the bottom of the cabinet, was particularly eye-catching.
He thought for a moment and took out the suitcase. The lock of the suitcase had long since been broken. He gently opened the lid of the suitcase and saw a few large and small folders, as well as a resume, a case for a work ID…
He flipped through it and found a resignation letter. It said that his future was bright. His heart sank, and he subconsciously wanted to close the suitcase.
A rustling sound.
A stack of paper had fallen out from the interlayer, and it was scattered all over the floor. It was the kind of paper from a very ordinary diary. The corners were slightly yellow, and the soft paper had a damp smell, as if it had been sealed for a long time.
Su Yu had come back to his senses from his surprise. He had bent down and had picked up one of them. He had touched the familiar paper and had thought of the black notebook that the girl had thrown in her old home. He had been suspicious at that time that the notebook was too thin, and there were traces of the pages being torn. It was just that he had not paid attention to it at that time, and he had thought that it was a loss caused by the poor quality of the notebook.
He lowered his eyes and looked at the dense text on the paper. He suddenly fell into a silence.
The blood in his body was slowly flowing until it was frozen. He was motionless, and his face was as stiff as a sculpture. All his expressions, along with the color of his blood, had faded from his face.
After a long while, he had picked up all the scattered papers and had slowly arranged them in order according to the date of the diary. He had done the whole process very carefully, as if he were restoring a dilapidated and old cultural relic.
When the last page of the diary was put away, a not-so-thick stack of paper was almost bending his back. The years, which were covered with a thick layer of dust, were surging from the past like a tide, and they were overflowing his ankles from all directions.
He was sitting on the cold floor, and he was looking at the fresh and young and weak handwriting at that time. His tone was filled with a childishness and a directness. He was reading those words, and every word was as if it had a sound. It was the Xia Qiange of that time who was talking to him.
…
Sunday, cloudy.
I saw him bring a strange woman home again.
I was afraid of making my mother sad, so I didn’t say anything.
Monday, sunny.
High school has started.
The classmates are very enthusiastic, and so am I.
I lied to them.
Wednesday, light rain.
I don’t want to go home. I found a park near the school.
I’m the only one. It’s very quiet.
Friday, sunny.
He was peeking at me again today. He hid when I found him.
I saw him blush. He’s so shy.
Sunday, heavy rain.
They fought again. He left.
I saw my mother sharpening a knife at night. A dagger.
Monday, sunny.
I was waiting for the bus at the station and met him.
He was peeking at me all the time. Why?
Thursday, sunny.
The school was having a big cleaning. He was with me.
There were other classmates. He only helped me. So strange.
Friday, cloudy.
My deskmate told me that he likes me.
I don’t believe it.
Monday, sunny.
I participated in the sports meet. It was very tiring.
He handed me a bottle of water.
I wanted to say thank you, but he ran away.
Thursday, sunny.
My deskmate said he definitely likes me.
He only handed me a bottle of water.
So this is like.
Friday, sunny.
I met him in the park. He was very surprised.
He was holding a cup of milk tea. It wasn’t for me.
He probably likes other people too.
Sunday, heavy rain.
They fought again, because of other women.
My mother scratched him.
Monday, cloudy.
There’s a parent-teacher conference. No one is at home.
Wednesday, sunny.
The children whose parents didn’t come couldn’t enter the classroom.
I met him on the playground. It turns out he’s the same as me.
I cried. He comforted me. The words he said were very silly.
But I suddenly didn’t want to cry anymore.
Friday, light rain.
My mother hasn’t eaten for several days.
I cooked for her and fed her. She hit me.
But I still love her.
Saturday, heavy rain.
My mother said I was a burden.
She doesn’t understand.
My father doesn’t love her at all. I do.
Sunday, heavy rain.
My mother told me to get lost. She said she hated me.
But she’s my mother.
Monday, cloudy.
It’s very cold in the classroom at night.
I almost got caught.
Tuesday, sunny.
I met him in the park.
He didn’t leave this time. He chatted with me.
He said I’m very popular. But I’m a liar.
Wednesday, cloudy.
There are rumors in the class that we’re dating.
But I don’t like him.
Thursday, cloudy.
The rumors are still going around in the class.
I can’t like him.
Friday, light rain.
My desk was scribbled on.
They said I like to mess around with people outside.
He was on duty today. He helped me wipe it off.
Sunday, sunny.
I met him in the park again. He had a wound on his face.
I didn’t say hello. I ran away.
He must hate me now.
Monday, cloudy.
My deskmate said he had a fight with the person who started the rumor.
Tuesday, heavy rain.
They fought.
He called my mother a madwoman.
So liking someone will make you a madwoman.
Friday, sunny.
Spring outing. I didn’t go.
I met him in the park.
It turns out he didn’t go either.
Saturday, light rain.
I didn’t go to the park.
I can’t like him.
I don’t want to become my mother.
Monday, cloudy.
I got first place.
My mother didn’t want to see it.
Tuesday, sunny.
His seat was moved behind me.
I seem to be a little happy.
Wednesday, cloudy.
He asked me why I didn’t eat breakfast.
I ignored him.
Thursday, cloudy.
He asked me if I was angry.
I’m so annoyed.
Friday, sunny.
He brought me breakfast.
Saturday, sunny.
I often meet him in the park.
We talk more.
Monday, cloudy.
He hit my mother.
My mother ignored me.
I hate him.
Tuesday, light rain.
I found my mother’s dagger.
Wednesday, light rain.
I threw away my father’s things.
My mother hit me.
But I’m her daughter.
Thursday, cloudy.
Tomorrow is my birthday.
Friday, sunny.
He wished me a happy birthday.
The classmates were teasing us.
Saturday, light rain.
I didn’t meet him.
Sunday, heavy rain.
He still didn’t come.
I seem to be very sad.
Monday, heavy rain.
It turns out he was sick.
Tuesday, heavy rain.
He still didn’t come.
Wednesday, sunny.
He’s back.
I gave him a pen. He was very happy.
Do I like him?
Thursday, light rain.
My mother watched as he hit me.
But I still love her.
Friday, heavy rain.
The knife went into the flesh.
It was red.
Saturday, heavy rain.
He wants a divorce.
My mother smashed everything in the house.
This is not my home.
Monday, cloudy.
My mother wants to commit suicide.
I hid the dagger.
Tuesday, heavy rain.
A person in pain should die.
Thursday, heavy rain.
My wrist hurts so much. I’ve lost so much blood.
He sent me a message.
He wants to take me to see a meteor shower.
Saturday, sunny.
There really are meteors.
But I don’t have a wish.
Sunday, sunny.
I have a wish.
I like him.
Monday, cloudy.
Only a madman would love someone.
I don’t want to become my mother.
Wednesday, sunny.
I like him.
I’m not lying this time.
Friday, heavy rain.
There are so many girls around him.
Saturday, sunny.
I’m so happy to see him.
Sunday, heavy rain.
He’s peeking at me again.
Can he only look at me?
Monday, heavy rain.
They are all bitches.
Tuesday, cloudy.
I’m fake.
He must be afraid of me.
Wednesday, cloudy.
I have to disguise myself well.
Thursday, sunny.
I’m a sober madman.
Saturday, light rain.
Will he have a change of heart?
Sunday, light rain.
A knife is very painful.
Is he afraid of pain?
Monday, heavy rain.
I seem to be sick.
Wednesday, heavy rain.
The illness is getting worse.
Thursday, heavy rain.
There is no medicine for this kind of illness in the pharmacy.
The clerk called me a madwoman.
Friday, heavy rain.
I’m a madwoman.
Saturday, sunny.
I love him.
Sunday, cloudy.
I really want to see him.
Monday, sunny.
He is my medicine.
…
The diary slowly came to an end. The handwriting had gone from fresh and young to mature. The girl, who had always been a stranger to him, had gradually completed her outline in the shadows and had taken shape.
What kind of role had he played in those days of heavy rain? He had underestimated her suffering and had demonized her madness.
She was the protagonist of her diary, but she had also acted as a bystander.
If he had not been in the story, which was so distant that it was covered in dust and was deeply buried, what about the long and endless future?
Su Yu lowered his head and packed up those diaries. He slowly stood up and strode towards the door. His steps were rushed and hurried, and he went out without a care.
He suddenly wanted to see her.
