Chapter 43: Goodbye
Coming out of the hospital, her numb senses slowed down time. She rested her head against the car window. Outside, tall buildings rose one after another. The dark sun was setting in the west, and the setting sun was weeping blood. The fiery red afterglow was painting the dark black outline of the buildings with color, and it was forcefully occupying the original appearance of the tall buildings.
She had also forcefully dragged him into the abyss back then. She had seen the most beautiful and brilliant sunset in her life before it had gotten dark.
Although the two of them had only been in a narrow rental house at that time, there had been quarrels, there had been happiness in bed, and what was left was an emotion she had never experienced before. Now that she thought about it, that was probably happiness.
For it, she had abandoned etiquette and morality, and had disregarded the law. She had become a shameful thief. She had endured his cold eyes and reprimands. She had been so selfish at that time that she had not been able to listen to him at all. She had just been trying to satisfy her own dirty and selfish desires.
She had found a ridiculous excuse. She was a person who was about to die. It was okay to be a little indulgent, right?
Later, the sun had really fallen from the sky. Someone had said that it had nothing to do with her. It was fate, and it could not be escaped.
Yeah, it was fate. So it was not her who had died.
A person who was used to the darkness, her appearance was numb, but her heart was more sensitive than anyone else. Because she had never been the same as other people. Curses and complaints had actually made her feel better. She had stubbornly wanted to take all the blame. Anyway, she was used to it.
Those people had questioned her. Wasn’t it just a mental illness? Why was she so fragile and pretentious? The lack of understanding and nitpicking, the dark malice had infected her precarious second half of her life like a persistent curse.
She had just smiled it off. This was what she deserved. Who was to blame for the fact that she was the one who was alive? As long as she was still in this world for a day, she had to bear the obligation of atoning for the sins of the dead.
That period of time was really dark. The emotions that had controlled her behavior seemed to not belong to her. Her whole person had become irritable, irascible, and depressed. She had become another person. She thought that her soul might have been taken away by God, and a body had been left in the world to atone for her sins.
For a while, she had relied on tranquilizers to get by. Those drugs had deprived her of the overly violent nerve impulses in her brain. She was finally no longer tormented by the sadness that was close to death, and she had also lost the ability to feel happiness. She had become like the gray and white walls of a hospital room, and she was dazed and numb.
Such a remaining life was undoubtedly painful and dark. If she couldn’t die, then this would more or less give her some excuse to comfort herself. So she had thought pessimistically, “It doesn’t matter. Let it be.”
But the most tragic thing in her life was by no means those dark and filthy hardships and sorrows, but that fate would always let her see a little bit of hope when she was at her most desperate.
The first time she had seen that child, without any warning, she had remembered their first meeting. The birth of a life had instantly washed away all her desire for death.
Perhaps he had not completely left her. That’s what she had thought at that time.
So she had suddenly not wanted to die.
Unfortunately, the memory of her deceiving everyone and making herself look completely recovered was too blurry. She could only remember it inadvertently. Su Xi only remembered that she was very tired on the first day she had left the hospital. When she was standing at a crossroads with her child, not knowing where to go, she had felt that every pore was shouting tired.
It was as tiring as now.
Su Xi was holding her phone, and she was leaning against the back of the chair. Her body was stiff and sour, and the fatigue was seeping from her bones. She had rubbed the corners of her eyes, and her fingertips were wet. The fire that was burning fiercely on the horizon was about to be extinguished.
Everyone had thought that she was normal. But only she herself knew that she was not doing well. She had thought that life would just go on like this, on the verge of falling. God had kindly let her go. But it was as if he couldn’t bear to see her stable. Once again, he had come to find her.
For some reason, she was a little scared.
…
The kindergarten entrance was already empty. A bare and large iron gate was locking the entrance. Not a single figure made her feel familiar.
Su Xi began to feel uneasy. She looked down and fiddled with her phone, and she had called An Zhi’s phone.
The soft ringtone was long and tedious in her ear. She was pacing anxiously, and her hand was on her earlobe. Her soft skin was flushed.
“Hey, where are you, An Zhi? Have you found Nian Nian?”, she had clenched her phone, and her tone was flustered and helpless.
“I’ve found her…”
The voice on the other end of the phone was soft and delicate. Su Xi was instantly at ease. She looked down at the tips of her feet. “It’s good that you’ve found her. It’s good that you’ve found her. Why aren’t you at the kindergarten entrance? Did you go to the police station to report it?”
“No. I took Nian Nian and left first.”
“You left first? Wh-Why? What do you mean?”
Su Xi was holding her phone, and her wet eyes were filled with a mist. She had inadvertently lost her composure, and she had not even heard the girl’s almost-unsuppressible cry on the other end of the phone. “I want to see Nian Nian now. Where are you? I’ll go and find you. Tell me quickly.”
“If you really see Su Yu, do you have anything you want to say to him?”
She was stunned. She had not been able to digest this question for a long time. The confusion had messed up her reason, and bit by bit, it had pushed her to that impossible fantasy.
“What did you say? What are you talking about? I don’t understand at all…”
Su Xi was pinching the corner of her clothes, and the fabric was wrinkled and had fallen down. She felt that the person on the other end was crazy. Her thoughts were getting more and more scattered. She had turned her head, and her eyes were focused on the iron gate of the kindergarten behind her. “The person who took Nian Nian, who is it?”
There was a long and unbearable silence. An Zhi had spoken before her. Her tone was far from relaxed, and it was even heavy. But she was trying her best to cheer up. He didn’t know if she was trying to comfort herself, or if she was trying to encourage her.
“You know him. To be honest… I’m a little reluctant to give him to you.”
It was just that the voice was hoarse, and it was as intermittent as a glass with a rough edge. She had gathered her courage and had laughed twice. Her childish voice was like a child who had just cried a lot.
“But I can’t be too greedy. I’ve already said what I wanted to say to him. Now it’s your turn…”
Although the tone that was deliberately provoking her was a little clumsy and cute, Su Xi could tell that An Zhi was telling her that there was actually nothing to be afraid of. Even a timid person like her could accept it.
But this news was still too shocking. It had created a monstrous wave in her heart. The cold and salty seawater was pouring down on her head, and it was so cold that it was bone-chilling. It had spread from the soles of her feet to her fingertips, and she had on the contrary, calmed down.
“Where is he?”
“You should know. Nian Nian will stay with me today. You two be good. After all… you’ve had a much harder time than me.”
The phone had been hung up. Su Xi was holding her phone, and her hand was drooping to the ground.
She suddenly thought, if it were her, could she let go as easily as An Zhi?
Perhaps all along, she was the cowardly and timid one.
…
A gray and dark color was dyeing the entire sky from the horizon. A hazy and misty fog was covering the entire old and dilapidated neighborhood alley. The smoke from the cooking, which was mixed with the smell of fireworks, was rising.
Su Xi had gone straight home. She had walked into the neighborhood from the narrow path next to the main gate. She had turned a few old trees that had sprouted after spring. The sky was getting darker and darker, and the seven- or eight-story buildings were lit up one after another. In the end, she had stopped in front of the building on the west side. The iron unit building sign had already rusted. When she had come back to her senses, she had already lived here for four or five years.
She had lowered her head to take out her key and had stopped at the entrance of the lower floor. A dark and gloomy halo was enveloping the outline of the stairs upstairs. Her slender hand was on her lips. She had coughed twice, and the voice-activated lights had spread up from upstairs. The white incandescent light had illuminated the stairs, and they were empty.
Su Xi had frowned, and the tip of her tongue had licked her sharp canine teeth. She had then stepped on the stairs and had gone up one by one. The sound of her unsteady footsteps was echoing in the long and narrow, quiet corridor. She had hesitated for a second when she had turned a corner, but she had still stepped out.
She had glanced up, and her movements were deliberately lightened. It was as if, as long as she did this, her state of mind could also be so light. Then… she had seen him, who was leaning against the side of the door and was sitting on the ground. Just that light and not-too-emotional glance, but in the next second, her calmness had been shattered like a thin piece of glass. It had shattered into pieces, and it was roaring in her ear.
It was him. That’s right. Su Xi would never forget the eyes that were always hidden with a gentleness. The deep black pupil color was like a vortex, and it was pulling at her heart. He was slightly drooping his fair neck, and his long black bangs were drooping and were covering his cheeks. The exquisite jawline was neat.
Surprise and panic had rushed to her heart at the same time. She had lightly bitten the tip of her tongue, and she had thought that she should not be too overwhelmed. She had recovered her calmness, and her steps were not chaotic. Her fingertips, which were by her side, were trembling.
The corridor was short and long. She had been walking for a long time, and she had been counting the square porcelain tiles and had been walking forward step by step. Then she had stood quietly in place, and she had seen her thin and small shadow on the side of his hand, which was on the ground.
The shadow of the night was enveloping him. His fingers had moved, and he had shaken his head. His thick and smooth black hair was messy. He was much more relaxed than her, as if he were used to it. The pair of dark and black eyes were on her, and they were shining. His thin, red lips were slightly parted.
Su Yu had scratched the hair on the back of his neck. His slightly hunched back was filled with a fatigue. His stubble had grown green and had not had time to be trimmed. He had seen the not-so-tall girl in front of him. He had propped himself up from the ground and had patted the dust.
“I… came back to see. It’s still the same as before.”
Su Xi was standing there and was staring at him. The gaze was filled with a strong and almost-undisguised desire, and it was intertwined with the hot and passionate emotions that were gushing out from her blood. It was nakedly exposed to him, and she was not afraid that he would run away.
After a long while, she had lowered her eyes, and she was almost submissive. Her fair and harmless expression was without any aggression. She had looked at him, and he had blocked the entire door. She had let out a light and imperceptible “hmm,” and her voice was soft and delicate. It was a little like her old shadow, but it was a little less deliberately contrived.
“Then… do you want to come in and sit for a while? I haven’t bought any groceries. There are still some dumplings at home.”
“Ah… okay.” Su Yu had opened his mouth, and his words had stopped again. His thumb had rubbed his eyebrows. He had let out a long breath, and he was not used to it. “I’m just hungry.”
“Yeah.”
Su Xi had taken out the key that she had already prepared. She had inserted it into the lock with the position that Su Yu had made way for. She had gently turned it, and the door had opened a crack and had slowly widened. She had turned her gaze sideways and had looked at him. She had opened her mouth with some hesitation. “You can go in first.”
As soon as she had said it, the atmosphere had instantly frozen, and then it had suddenly warmed up again.
“Okay…”
She had watched as he had entered the house almost without any hesitation. She was in a daze and was a little afraid to believe it. Compared with the confusion of why he was still alive, she felt that he had become unpredictable. It was as if all the wrong things of the past had been written off. He was so unguarded and was trusting her.
Could it be that he had forgotten her so quickly?
For some reason, she always felt a little sour in her heart, and even her breathing was much heavier. She couldn’t help but be childish again, just like before.
“Aren’t you coming in? I have something to say to you.” Su Yu had turned his head and had asked her.
She had pursed her thin lips, and her slightly red-rimmed eyes had revealed her true emotions. She really couldn’t be calm and composed. She had lowered her head again and had gently answered.
“Oh, I know.”
