Chapter 18: If, Part 1
She had a dream. What if she had never met him?
“Mom, the exam is the day after tomorrow. You’re not concerned about your daughter at all.”
“Oh, right. It’s the day after tomorrow. I’m just so happy. Really… it’s better than anything that you’ve been able to move on, Xixi.”
The hoarse voice on the other end of the phone was crying hard, and her voice was blurred by her tears.
“Yeah, I was disobedient back then.”
She lowered her eyes and let out a long breath before she said in a light tone.
The night was heavy, and a table lamp was half-dim. The paper was dim yellow under the light.
Su Xi’s fingertips were on the pen, and the open notebook was still full of dense and numerous formulas and notes. The ink-less refills were in the pen holder, and there was a small half-handful.
She had returned to her third year of high school for a year. She had registered at her old school, but she had barely gone, for fear that someone would gossip behind her back. She was already in her early twenties, and she had wasted a few years. But her talent was still there, and she had picked up the things she had learned very quickly. A few of the school’s research exams had made the teachers both surprised and happy, and they had lamented how she had wasted such a good time.
Her life was as if it were the opposite of others. Her obsession and her madness had led her to another path. It was very hard, and it was so painful that it was unbearable. But it was not a pity, and there was nothing to regret.
Su Xi had no obsession with the gaokao. She had come back to live alone and prepare. It was just very simple. She didn’t want to be too far from him in the future. If the two of them were connected by… another life that was connected by blood, then she would be a little too pathetic.
“What about Nian Nian? Is she good?”
“This child is very good. She doesn’t cry or make a fuss. She’s asleep now.” The woman had been chatting for a while, and she had remembered something. She had let out a sad sigh. “Nian Nian was talking nonsense that day. She said she had met her father. In the end, this child is also pitiful.”
“Haha…”
Su Xi lowered her eyes and thought of the person who had not called for a long time. She smiled with a cold face. “Next time, don’t let Nian Nian make the same mistake as her mother.”
“You can rest assured with this child. I owe you, and I will make it up to Nian Nian. Your uncle is also very fond of her.”
“Sorry to trouble you, Mom. I’ll hang up now. You and Dad should go to bed early.”
“Okay. After the gaokao… remember to come back and see us. Nian Nian misses you.”
The phone was hung up. The soundproofing of the rented house near the school was not very good, but it was frighteningly quiet at night.
Su Xi tidied up the table and went to bed with her slippers. She touched her half-wet hair and turned on the air conditioner. She was wearing a thin shirt, and her face was also white after she had been washed with water.
Her hair would hurt if she blew cold air on it when it was wet. But she suddenly didn’t want to care anymore. Actually, some psychological illnesses are very difficult to completely cure. No matter how bright and beautiful the surface is, there will always be a hidden illness.
Occasionally… she would inexplicably have some morbid and self-abusive tendencies. She would want to hurt herself, with pain and blood. It was as if she were warning herself that the life she had now was far from as beautiful as it seemed. What God had given her at this moment might be taken back with interest at some point in the future.
She was so scared. She was really so scared. The fear was the primal fear that was born from her helplessness and weakness as a child, and she was unable to resist. They were screaming and were seeping out from her blood and flesh, and they were seeping into her bones…
After a while, her skin had touched the cold wind, and her lips were bitten a little pale. She could only hug her knees and curl up in the bedding.
She had finished memorizing the words and had been on her phone for a while. Her eyes were sore, and she was still staring at the phone, which had not moved. She had suddenly become childish, and she had thrown her phone at the foot of the bed as if she were venting. The house had suddenly become quiet again, and only the sound of the cicadas, which had been lowered a few tones, was hissing.
Her gaze had passed over the four-square table and chairs, which had lost their paint, and had stopped on a patch of a yellow and black wall in a corner. Perhaps the load-bearing of the corner of the wall was a little leaky. The old wall, which had a spider-web-like, dense and fine crack, had brought back some not-so-good memories.
…
Since she could remember, the small house of less than fifty square meters had always been filled with quarrels and beatings. The purple and blue pinch marks and even more ferocious scars were always hidden under her wide and large clothes.
At that time, she could only wear some old clothes. They didn’t fit, and they couldn’t hold her thin and small waist. Her body was also malnourished, and her frame was very small. She was like a gloomy and dark witch. The children of the same age had also cursed her like this.
“Witch… old witch. You’re so ugly. How can you be so ugly?”
The malice of a child was without any concealment, but it was also very painful and deep. It was like a sharp knife that had mercilessly cut her at an age when she was most fond of beauty and cared about her self-esteem.
She had almost resigned herself to her fate. God had scattered people in the world with an equal hand. But some were born in hardship. It was fate… either live or die.
Su Xi had lowered her head and had suddenly seen a few small stones rolling to her feet from the ground. She was a little in a daze, and she had not reacted to what had happened.
She had blinked her eyes and had looked around again. She had seen the not-so-big children standing not far away, and they were cheering with their arms raised. A few of them were still holding stones in their hands, and they were with a runny nose, and they were smiling foolishly.
Whose naughty child was this? If Nian Nian were so disobedient in the future and liked to bully people, she would definitely spank her butt.
Wait… she had covered her head, and the back of her head was throbbing with pain. How could she have said a stranger’s name for no reason? Was it someone she was very close to?
Nian Nian? Who is that?
She had subconsciously looked at her hands. Her palms were very small, and her fingers were short, and they were also dirty. She was suddenly a little disgusted. She had subconsciously wanted to wash her hands well, to completely wash away the black mud in her fingernails.
She had turned around to look for the toilet. In the end, her shoulder had been held. Su Xi had turned her head and had found that it was the leader of those children, a big and fat boy. His face was very dirty. The key was… how could he be half a head taller than her?
The boy’s face was fierce, and he had also held her shoulder. Out of a difference in body size, Su Xi had not held back at all. While the child was not paying attention, she had kicked his knee and had also punched him in the stomach.
This body was too frail. The fat boy had suddenly cried, and her wrist was also in a raw pain. The other children had seen him sitting on the ground and was holding his head and was wailing. How could the ugly girl, who had always been bullied by them, suddenly be so fierce?
They were all so horrified that they were as if they had seen a ghost, and they had all been scared away.
Su Xi had also gotten some peace and quiet. She was walking on the bustling street, and it was very familiar. In the end, she had stopped in front of a clothing store with a window. She had then looked at her current appearance in the glass.
She was a lot shorter, and her eyes were dark and big. But her features had not yet grown and were wrinkled together. At this time, it was really not very good-looking. Her skin was very bad, and it was dull and rough. There were small freckles on the tip of her nose, and her hair was messy. Her bangs were like a dog’s bite, and she was hunched over, and she had no spirit at all.
Her whole person was as if she had been fished out of a gray tone. There were so many colors in this world, but not a single one was left for her.
She had also suddenly understood that this was the her of her childhood.
Before Su Xi could react, it had suddenly started to drizzle in the gloomy sky. Large clumps of dark black clouds were covering the sky. She was soon soaked to the skin, and she had sneezed, and she was afraid of catching a cold. She had run and had returned home with a familiar road.
There was no one at home. Her mother had to work at a weaving factory, and the man was probably squandering in some small gambling den.
She was used to it. She had taken off her clothes and had gone into the bathroom with her thin and weak, reed-like body. There was no shower overhead. She had to pour the boiled hot water into a bucket, and she had mixed it with some cold water. She had soaked a towel in the water and had wiped her body.
Su Xi had washed her nails clean and had carefully wiped this battered body. She had gone around the unhealed new marks and had torn off the blood scabs of the old scars. A tingling pain was in the silk and numbness, and it was itchy. It was as if dense and numerous ants were crawling and were biting on her body.
The white of her eyes was full of red. She had inadvertently turned her head and had glanced at her back in the misty mirror. There was a red scar on the skin near her left shoulder blade. It was very conspicuous on her pale and not-so-big back. This wound was not like it was caused by a beating. It seemed to have been scalded by hot water, and it was a scar that had not been properly treated.
Had she been scalded by boiling water?
She had no impression of it. She had thought for a while, and her head had started to throb with pain again. She always felt that something was not very real, as if she had lost a lot of things.
She had endured the pain and had thought for a long time, but she still had no clue. But life had to go on. The floor was made of red porcelain tiles, and the walls were also dim yellow and black. They were cracked like a spider’s web.
She was standing in the bathroom, which was filled with a water vapor, and it was misty and hazy. Everything had started to become illusory and was flying by. Someone had turned the hour hand, and in the blink of an eye, it was ten years.
The hardship that she could not get rid of had been with her for ten years. But she seemed to have long since gotten used to it, so she had gritted her teeth and had endured it.
The water vapor had not dissipated, and it was mixed with the heat, and it had steamed her skin pink and tender. Many of the scars had faded, but the burn on her back was very present. It was a blood-red color, and it had occupied her entire shoulder blade.
Su Xi was sitting in the bathtub with her head raised, and the shower was on her head. The temperature was just right, and the water droplets had wet her long hair. The neatly trimmed ends of her hair were drooping on her shoulders, and the water droplets were slowly flowing past her chest, which had been nourished day by day. She was a small one, and now she was gradually becoming graceful and alluring, like a ripe fruit that was hanging on a branch.
Her eyes were in a daze in the mist. She had remembered the man who had already died. He had looked at her with a full of disbelief before he had died, and his eyes were as resentful as a poisonous snake.
The water mist had taken shape, and the man with a ferocious face had suddenly pounced on her.
Su Xi had covered her mouth to suppress the urge to vomit. Her shoulders were trembling, and she was frantically turning over the water in the bathtub. The bathroom was splashed everywhere, and it was all red, and it was a viscous… liquid.
After a long time, she had opened her eyes again, and everything had returned to normal.
It was all an illusion. The man had not come to take her life.
Su Xi had let out a sigh of relief and had relaxed her body. She had let herself sink to the bottom of the water. After a long while, a few small bubbles had come up from the surface of the water, and her hair had slowly floated to the surface.
This time, she had held her breath for the longest time. It was a pity that she had still not died.
Su Xi, ten years later, had excellent grades and had won the special prize in an international chemistry competition. But because of her family, she had not been able to go to university. She had dropped out halfway through. Now she was living alone and was working at an ordinary department store on the side of the road in Qingchuan.
Su Xi had gotten off work. She was holding a plastic bag, and inside was a handful of vegetables, and a small half a piece of meat. She was wearing a pair of dry and unglued sneakers on her feet, and the white surface of the shoes had been washed yellow.
The salary that the owner had been late for two days had finally been paid. When she had gone upstairs, she had also paid the rent that she had been thick-skinned and had been in arrears with the landlady for a long time.
The auntie was very nice. She had asked her with concern why she had not yet found a partner, and that it was not safe for a girl to live alone. She had smiled and had said that she was a lone star in her life, and that anyone who was with her would definitely have bad luck.
The auntie had frowned and had said, “Hey, didn’t you still have that boy with you before? Su… what was his name? Why are you lying to me? I’m not that gossipy to meddle in you young people’s relationships. I won’t introduce you to a partner.”
Su Xi was stunned. When had she? She had turned her head and had thought that the auntie had a lot of tenants, and she might have confused her with someone else. She had shaken her head and had said that she was a lone star in her life, and it was suitable for her to be alone.
The auntie had quickly said “tsk” twice and had asked her not to talk nonsense. How could such a beautiful girl be a jinx? She had said that men and women were in pairs, and this was destined by fate. There would definitely be someone who would be with her for the rest of her life.
So Su Xi was quite happy. Perhaps it was because she had been praised for being beautiful. There were quite a lot of people who had said she was beautiful. But she didn’t have this in mind. Perhaps she really had a bit of a jinx in her life. She was beautiful and kind… so she might as well not harm anyone.
When she had come home, she had looked at the empty cage in the living room. She had raised it for almost three or four years. It was a little calico cat that she had picked up on the side of the road. It was very beautiful, and it was also a little girl. Perhaps it was because she had been living alone for too long and had suddenly had a maternal instinct. She had brought it home and had spent a lot of money on its recuperation. She had given it a name, Nian Nian.
Why was it this name? She couldn’t figure it out. Her head would hurt if she thought too much. Anyway, it sounded quite nice, so she would just call it that for now.
Nian Nian had been hit by a car and had died a few days ago when she had sneaked out. She had been sad for a while. She had comforted herself by saying that this should not be considered cold-blooded. It was just that her tolerance for pain was a little higher. Anyway, she was used to it.
What had she been thinking at that time? She couldn’t die. Otherwise, no one would feed Nian Nian. This was actually a very absurd thought, but it was also the most convincing reason for her.
She had stir-fried a plate of cabbage, and she had stir-fried the meat with green peppers. There was no dining table, so she had put it on the coffee table and had eaten it on the sofa. The news broadcast at 7:30 on the dot, and the well-rounded and clear broadcast sound had filled the emptiness of the entire living room. The sky outside was slowly getting dark.
She didn’t have a big appetite. She had half a bowl of rice, and there was a lot of food left. So she had left it for tomorrow’s lunch. She had one more lunch left.
After she had taken a shower, she was blowing her hair. She was aimlessly changing the channels with her hand. She also couldn’t find anything to watch. She just wanted to find something to do. She didn’t know when her life had completely disconnected from the current entertainment trends. The last time she had had a whim and had told a colleague a new joke she had seen, she had been looked at strangely by the other party. He had said that this was an old joke from a few years ago, and he had asked if she was not tired of it.
She was really so bored. The night was also long, and she couldn’t fall asleep until eleven or twelve o’clock. Su Xi had to go to the bedroom and take out the box of sleeping pills. She had poured the medicine on the table and had counted them one by one under the dim yellow light. After she had counted them, she had poured them back in and had counted them again.
Later, she was tired. She had taken her phone and had started to check online how many sleeping pills were enough to be fatal. She had then compared it with the number she had counted, and she was surprised to find that… it seemed to be enough. There were even a few extra.
It seemed that suicide with sleeping pills was quite painful. But it was okay. She, this person, couldn’t stand the eight hours of a daze at work… but she was just not afraid of pain.
For a better digestion, she had decided to take it with warm water. She had boiled a pot of hot water and was slowly waiting for it to cool down.
She had turned off the light, and the bedroom was dark. She was only wearing a very old-fashioned white underwear. She was sitting on the side of the bed, and her calves were slender. The tips of her feet were in the air, and they were swaying. The kettle was steaming, and it was not very cold.
She had suddenly remembered something, and she had also turned on the air conditioner. She had set it to the lowest. In this way, it should not rot too quickly. That would be too ugly to die. Thinking about it, it was funny. She had actually had a little girl’s pursuit of beauty at this time.
So many pills. It had taken her a long, long time to drink them with water. She was lying on her back on the bed, and she was looking at the very monotonous gray and white ceiling. Her heart had suddenly become quiet, and her consciousness was sinking. Her hands and feet were slowly getting cold, and her lips were pale and dry.
Before her eyes were about to close, a phone call had come. She had answered it. It was her mother’s voice.
“Didn’t I say last time that I found you a stepfather? I’m telling you, his son was originally studying in Qingchuan. I’ve already told him. He can come and take care of you usually. I’ll give him your address. You’re not willing to live with me. In this way, you’ll have someone to take care of you.”
Su Xi couldn’t hear many of the words clearly. Her closed consciousness had filtered them out. She only remembered that her mother’s tone was quite happy. She vaguely remembered the last sentence.
“That child is a little older than you. If you’re willing to study, you’ll probably be his junior. By the way… his name is Su Yu. Don’t get it wrong then.”
Su Yu… what kind of a ghost name is this? It’s too sloppy.
But why… is it so familiar?
Her consciousness had fallen into a silence. The second before, she had heard a knock on the door.
Bang… bang… bang!
Do I know him?
But why haven’t I died yet?
Are my eyes still hot? So strange.
