Tang Feiwan repeatedly confirmed she wasn’t dreaming. It was as if she’d suddenly won the lottery. She leaped up from the old-fashioned armchair, ignoring the fallen cushion and bottle beside her, and hurried to the bathroom, turning on the tap. She’d had three bottles of beer and her head was a bit fuzzy, but she was still clear-headed. She knew what she was doing, knew the alcohol had only brought the conversation forward.
She washed her face to cool down, wiped the sweat from her arms, changed into outdoor clothes, grabbed a bamboo mat and the twelve registered letters she’d written to Lin Ye, and went out.
They agreed to meet at the basketball court behind the Shujiang University Medical School. Back in school, she and Lu Yuqing had hacked around at basketball, two hopeless novices flailing at each other, and Lin Ye would always sit nearby watching. Now, at around 9 p.m., the vast court was empty of students, and the floodlights were off. Tang Feiwan found a seat in the stands near a streetlamp and waited for Lin Ye.
The southern summer was hot and humid. Even outdoors at night, there was no coolness. In her rush, Tang Feiwan had forgotten her little fan, so she used her hand as one. But the constant fanning brought no breeze; instead, her silly motion made her feel hotter.
As the saying goes, drinking makes you stupid.
Tang Feiwan placed the registered letters on her lap and lowered her head to scroll through her phone. Time passed. Still no sign of Lin Ye. Did she change her mind? The next second, she retracted the guess. Lin Ye kept her word and never broke a promise, then and now. Sure enough, as Tang Feiwan stood to throw away the tissue she’d used to wipe her sweat, she turned and saw Lin Ye walking toward her from five meters away.
In the night, the woman wore a ponytail, a white T-shirt, and apricot shorts. The most ordinary outfit, yet it easily stole Tang Feiwan’s breath.
“Sorry I’m late.” She had coaxed Lin Yangyang to sleep before changing and heading out, hence the delay.
“N-no problem.” Tang Feiwan withdrew her overly direct gaze and gestured to the bamboo mat she’d prepared beside her.
Lin Ye thanked her and sat down.
For the next half minute, Tang Feiwan, suddenly nervous, pressed her lips and rubbed the envelopes on her knees, not knowing how to break the silence. After a short pause, she glanced right. Lin Ye sat with her hands on her knees, her head slightly tilted up as she gazed at the night ahead.
“D-Director Lin…” Tang Feiwan finally mumbled after much hesitation.
“Mm.” Lin Ye’s response was so cold that Tang Feiwan, sitting to her right, felt her heart tremble.
Tang Feiwan’s accumulated courage collapsed instantly. The long speech of gratitude to Lin Ye she’d prepared as an opening had vanished. She could only force herself to improvise, starting from after their breakup. “Five years ago, around December 17, I received the four letters you sent. I learned you’d written twelve.”
Lin Ye didn’t respond, still holding her posture. Tang Feiwan couldn’t see her expression and had to continue. “After reading them, I called and sent QQ messages, but I couldn’t reach you.” She paused for two seconds, her voice choked. “I know. I deserved it.”
The night deepened, and the surroundings grew quieter. Tang Feiwan clearly heard Lin Ye swallow. Before she could go on, the woman’s voice came, seemingly without a trace of emotion: “In the early hours of December 7, I broke up with you. Eight days later, I deleted your QQ and changed my phone number.”
An ordinary letter carried a romance of the unknown. In fact, the contents of the twelve letters were things Lin Ye had already told her over the phone. She’d written them down as a surprise, thinking that if they miraculously didn’t get lost, Tang Feiwan in a foreign land could read them when tired from study and work, to relax.
“I…” Tang Feiwan was at a loss for words. During that period, she had stayed at the hospital for days on end, poring over the literature and rehearsing hand movements for her first time serving as a first assistant in surgery.
Seeing that Tang Feiwan didn’t argue, Lin Ye felt as if a fine needle had stabbed her heart without warning. She controlled her emotions and said in a low voice, “These letters, whether you read them or not, no longer matter.”
“They matter.” Tang Feiwan sniffed, her tone resolute. “I also wrote twelve letters, sent to your rented apartment behind the Second Affiliated Hospital. Unfortunately, you’d probably already moved. They were all returned by the post office.” She pushed the envelopes toward Lin Ye.
Lin Ye had actually noticed the tears glistening in Tang Feiwan’s eyes, but she hardened her heart and ignored it.
A stack of envelopes lay quietly between them.
“If you really wanted me to receive your letters, you could have sent them to the triage desk of the emergency department.” Though she had suppressed her emotions again and again, Lin Ye finally lost her usual composure. Her voice choking, she said, “So, Tang Feiwan, you never really cared.”
She had never spoken to Tang Feiwan so harshly. Now, she wanted to say it all, to make the other woman understand the reason for the breakup, so they could cut ties cleanly and stop dwelling on the past.
“You always think you’ve done your best. But have you ever wondered if I felt it?” To hurt the enemy a thousand while losing eight hundred of your own. Lin Ye’s eyes misted.
“You could leave messages unanswered for two days. When you replied, it was just ‘so tired,’ ‘so sleepy,’ and then nothing…”
Lin Ye’s words poured into Tang Feiwan’s mind like a flood, dousing the flame burning in her heart.
She was right. After going abroad, Tang Feiwan’s responses had dwindled. She’d thought the other woman wouldn’t mind, would understand. Both were studying medicine, so time together was already scarce. A long-distance relationship was even harder. Yet Lin Ye could find time. Why couldn’t she?
Was I too used to her taking the initiative, enjoying her proactivity, and forgetting that she needed my response too?
A long-term unequal love could never last…
Like a sudden awakening, Tang Feiwan wiped away the tears that had slipped down and stared at Lin Ye.
Lin Ye was backlit, so Tang Feiwan couldn’t see the tears she was holding back. But she could feel the other woman’s uneven breathing and couldn’t help blurting out, “I’m sorry.”
“Unnecessary.” Lin Ye looked away and added, “Our breakup wasn’t one person’s fault. I was wrong too. I never told you my grievances.”
Tang Feiwan remembered the times Lin Ye had hinted in jest, in coquettish tones. Now she was speechless. She could only shake her head, listening as the woman laid out all the disappointments of the past.
“I couldn’t control you, so I could only control myself.” Missing you less, slowly trying to cut off the past. Lin Ye erased that last half-sentence from her mind, stood with her back to Tang Feiwan, and said hoarsely, “I hope that when you meet someone you like, you’ll treat her better.”
Tang Feiwan hurriedly called out, “Lin Ye.”
Lin Ye paused slightly.
Tang Feiwan took a deep breath and voiced the words she’d held for so long: “Could you give me another chance?”
Lin Ye’s heart skipped. She didn’t answer, only stood there for two seconds before leaving her with a gradually receding figure.
