Chapter 27

Tang Feiwan had just sent her message when a line appeared in the chat. In other words, the two had been typing almost at the same moment.

“Dr. Tang, I’ve already grown used to the rhythm of my life now. I don’t need anyone else taking part in it. I hope you understand.”

The light in Tang Feiwan’s eyes dimmed instantly. She stood frozen for a few seconds, then suddenly went limp, slid down against the door, and collapsed to the floor.

Five minutes passed. Outside the door, all was silent. Ten minutes passed. Still no movement.

She won’t even accept a gift given as an ordinary friend?

Facing reality, Tang Feiwan’s arms trembled uncontrollably. She could only clutch the backpack in front of her, like a drowning person grasping a life buoy, holding it fiercely, desperately, to her chest. Her suppressed emotions burst out, and tears poured from her eyes. There was hurt, helplessness from fighting with her parents these past two days, but more than anything, confusion about this love. She didn’t know whether there was any point in going on. She didn’t know whether persisting would only make Lin Ye grow weary of her. And she didn’t understand why, when she could clearly feel that Lin Ye still cared, the other woman had to push her away so completely, leaving no room at all…

The room had no air conditioning. The air around her mixed with sticky tears and sweat. The suffocating heat spread, but Tang Feiwan felt cold from head to toe, as if she had fallen into an ice cellar.

Yet in the blink of an eye, her eyes lit up again. Through the wall, she heard a door open, a sound almost drowned out by her own crying. Ten seconds later came the soft sound of a door closing. Tang Feiwan scrambled to her feet, full of hope, pressed against the door, and peered through the peephole. She saw the gift bag on the opposite door handle disappear.

Tang Feiwan sniffled. Tears still leaked from the corners of her eyes, but her heart warmed. She kept telling herself: as long as Lin Ye accepted the gift, there was still a sliver of hope. She couldn’t give up easily.

Twenty minutes earlier, Lin Ye had closed the book in her hands and turned off the desk lamp, preparing for bed. She moved to the bedside, sat down, and let down her long hair, which had been tied back with a hair tie. Suddenly, she noticed the phone on the nightstand glowing faintly.

Who would call at this hour? She picked up the phone. Tang Feiwan’s name appeared on the screen. Just like the precise midnight birthday message she had received the night before, it brought her no joy, only a tangled heart.

They had been broken up for five years. Perhaps because of thinking too much by day and dreaming at night, Tang Feiwan often barged into her dreams without warning. Fortunately, over the past year, with Yangyang’s arrival, life had gained another anchor, and the tendency had gradually eased. But now the other woman had returned to the country, and they worked in the same group, spending every day together. The old feelings, like weeds that no wildfire could burn away, were sprouting anew with the spring wind.

If you don’t cut when you should, you’ll only get hurt worse. If this continues, it will hurt us both. That was why Lin Ye hadn’t responded to Tang Feiwan’s birthday message. Now the other was calling directly. Lin Ye bit her lower lip, turned off the bed lamp, and let the phone vibrate and buzz beside her leg, the screen lighting up and dimming again and again. She ignored it completely. After a long while, the phone finally stopped vibrating. Only then did Lin Ye pick it up again. She opened the WeChat conversation and looked at the birthday message Tang Feiwan had sent twenty-three hours and fifty-nine minutes earlier. Suppressing her chaotic emotions, she typed out the words she had been thinking for days and pressed send.

She thought everything would end there. Yet her fingertips were still touching the screen when a new message arrived. And so, for the next fifteen minutes, Lin Ye was caught in a dilemma. If she went out to retrieve the gift, would Tang Feiwan misunderstand? After all, she had only just now told the other to give up. But if the gift stayed outside, more and more people would pass by in the daytime. What if someone took it? Wouldn’t that be too careless with someone’s feelings?

After a long hesitation, Lin Ye curled her fingers and turned on the bedroom light. She slipped on her slippers and walked out.

Moonlight like water, flooding the room.

She draped a thin cardigan over her shoulders and moved forward hesitantly, still struggling inside. Yet her right hand moved on its own, closing on the handle and opening the door. Outside, it was quiet. But if she strained her ears, she could faintly hear the sobbing behind the opposite door. Lin Ye’s chest tightened. Her gaze lingered on that security door, as if she could see through it to the person curled on the floor, crying so hard she could barely breathe.

Lin Ye’s eyes reddened instantly. She didn’t step forward. Instead, she grabbed the gift bag, turned, and closed the door.

The gift bag was light, but its contents seemed to weigh a thousand pounds, pressing heavily on Lin Ye’s heart. Her steps were quick. In seconds, she was back in the bedroom. As soon as the door was closed, her right hand reached into the bag and pulled out the book. Lin Ye looked at it, and with just one glance, the tears she had managed to hold back outside the door spilled over, sliding down her cheeks and falling onto the cover.

She remembered a day in early spring seven years ago. Her favorite yuri novel, When Old Begonias Bloom, had released its physical edition in a limited run of three thousand copies. That day, Lin Ye had been on the day shift. She had prayed to get off on time but ended up working late. Meanwhile, Tang Feiwan, far away in Heidelberg, had been called to the laboratory by her advisor. So both had missed the sale.

All these years, Lin Ye had often searched for resale listings on Xianyu, only to miss out again and again. The price of the physical book had risen from the original thirty-eight yuan to two thousand yuan. Copies bearing the author’s personal signature went for three thousand yuan and were snapped up within ten minutes of listing.

Lin Ye couldn’t imagine how Tang Feiwan had managed to buy this book. At a high price? But she knew such out-of-print books were often unavailable at any price. It took time, energy, waiting, and negotiating with sellers. Her heart churning, Lin Ye flipped open the first page. Two lines met her eyes.

To Lin Ye: Wishing you smooth work and everlasting spring breezes. Hai Mu, August 26, 2018.

A personalized note written today. No wonder the day before, after learning Qian Xiaoli was Hai Mu, the other woman had mysteriously said, “You’ll get a surprise tomorrow.” At the time, Lin Ye had been busy and hadn’t paid attention.

Lin Ye sniffled and tilted her head back, holding in tears. She wanted to take out the complimentary items bundled with the book and store them away. After flipping a few pages, a bookmark slipped out and fell to the floor. She crouched down to pick it up and found it was a special dog-shaped bookmark. Looking closely, she saw a line of words. They were exactly what Tang Feiwan had asked her face-to-face that night: “Lin Ye, can you give me another chance?”

She didn’t understand why, but at this moment, Lin Ye felt as though every word Tang Feiwan had written by hand was stepping directly on her heartbeat. But Lin Ye didn’t know that in the gift box Tang Feiwan had tucked into her backpack lay a solid gold bookmark. It was custom-made at a gold shop near the hospital several days earlier, shaped identically to the paper one, though the engraved words were different. She also didn’t know that Tang Feiwan, afraid of overstepping, had taken out the solid gold bookmark but forgotten to remove the paper bookmark inside the physical book.

Now, in the opposite apartment, the person sprawled on the sofa realized it too late. She scratched her head and fretted, afraid Lin Ye might block her. After much thought, she tentatively sent a message that gave both of them an out. After all, Lin Ye’s earlier words had been too harsh. Now that Lin Ye had accepted the gift, she might want to thank Tang Feiwan but didn’t know how to begin.

“The gift is to fulfill a promise made seven years ago. I hope you’ll accept it.”

The gate of memory opened, and Lin Ye suddenly understood. The night they had failed to buy the book, after work, she had called Tang Feiwan overseas. Her tone had been full of regret, and the other had coaxed her softly, making a promise before hanging up. Seven years later, Lin Ye had forgotten, but Tang Feiwan still remembered.

Her thoughts drifting, Lin Ye’s throat grew tight, and her breathing heavier. For a few seconds, she even thought about unsending the message she had sent Tang Feiwan twenty minutes earlier… But in the next instant, she dug her nails hard into her fingertips, and reason returned. Words once spoken were like spilled water. How could they be taken back?

Lin Ye knew Tang Feiwan’s personality. In relationships, Tang Feiwan didn’t fear repeated rejection. What she feared most was being turned away outright. So Lin Ye hadn’t been vague. She had used the most direct words possible to cut off the other’s hopes, and her own. So she was certain they had no future.

Still, as a colleague, and as a friend who had accepted a gift, she could politely reply, “Thank you. I really like it.”

But for all her calculations, she hadn’t accounted for the passage of time. The Tang Feiwan of today was no longer the Tang Feiwan of the past.

The other side replied in seconds. “Did you see the bookmark?”

Lin Ye was momentarily stunned, unable to read Tang Feiwan’s intentions. Before she could reply, more messages came through.

“I have a strong sense of pride. In middle school, classmates said I got into the advanced class through my father’s connections, so I went from the bottom of the advanced class to the top five in our grade. In my third year of graduate school in Heidelberg, some classmates somehow learned that my advisor had been my mother’s colleague during her time in Germany. They spread rumors that I only got the combined master’s and doctoral program through connections. So to prove myself, I worked even harder.”

“Lin Ye, I used to think that I had to be outstanding enough, independent enough, and have enough resources before I could successfully come out to my parents and stand openly beside you with their blessing. I was driven by that worthless pride and those ideas, burying myself in study and work. Now I understand. Someone like me too easily overlooked that in a relationship, there should be give-and-take. I overlooked your emotional needs.” She didn’t mention that she had already come out, because there were too many uncertain factors right now.

“I know I brought this on myself, so I don’t expect your forgiveness right away. After all, I failed to cherish so much of your gentleness and tolerance.”

…

She laid out her past faults plainly, sending voice messages. Perhaps because she had cried earlier, her voice was hoarse from beginning to end, and by the last message, she was nearly choking. “I still want to ask. Can you give me one more chance? A chance to make you trust me again, to make you fall in love with me again.”

Lin Ye played the voice messages one by one. In the darkness, her unguarded face finally softened with a trace of tenderness, but also faint sorrow. She replied in a low voice, “It’s late. Sleep. You have work tomorrow.”

Five meters away, Tang Feiwan, whose phone had nearly dropped onto her head, heard the reply and nearly jumped off the sofa in excitement. Because even though Lin Ye hadn’t answered directly, compared to her silence a week ago, this was already enough. It was already enormous progress. In only thirty minutes, the person who had experienced such highs and lows wiped the tear stains from her face and boldly sent another message. “Okay. But I have another gift to give you tomorrow during the evening shift.”

A solid gold dog-shaped bookmark. On it were words she had personally engraved with a knife at the gold shop: May everything you wish for come true, and may you have joy year after year.