Chapter 38

On a late autumn night, faint clouds drifted across the sky, hiding the stars and moon. A cold wind blew, carrying a hint of early spring chill, oddly enough.

Tang Feiwan parked her motorcycle, took off her helmet, and tidied her slightly messy hair before walking deeper into the alley. Jiang Mu had been trying to invite her to dinner since mid-August. Every time, Tang Feiwan had either been stuck working late, in a meeting, or too exhausted after a night shift to go out. Tonight, Jiang Mu had threatened to spread stories of her heartless deeds if she didn’t show up. Only then did Tang Feiwan agree.

“Go into Minzhu Lane, walk two hundred meters, turn right. It’s the second-to-last shop, Tao Tao Ju. Haven’t you found it yet?”

“Is it a right turn at the barbershop?” Without navigation, Tang Feiwan didn’t know the area and couldn’t get her bearings.

Jiang Mu nodded. “Yes, that’s right.”

“Okay, got it.” Tang Feiwan pushed her glasses up with one hand and used the phone flashlight to light the way, stumbling forward. Five minutes later, she finally spotted someone waving at her from the entrance of a late-night restaurant.

The two finally met.

“You’re so slow. You could have just ridden the bike in.” Jiang Mu, in a coffee-brown leather jacket and dark trousers, patted Tang Feiwan’s shoulder with a bright smile. “We’re even dressed alike. Both in leather jackets.”

“Mm, it’s convenient for riding in autumn and winter. The wind can’t get in.” Tang Feiwan was the opposite: black leather jacket and coffee-brown trousers, her long hair half tied back. As an emergency physician, she couldn’t wear jewelry or a watch on duty because she needed to operate medical equipment. Off duty, she still wore the watch her advisor had given her two years earlier.

She kept it firmly in mind: for doctors, time was life.

“What model?” Jiang Mu led her inside.

“CFMOTO 250NK. Small displacement, but enough for the city.”

“Nice. Blue?” Jiang Mu knew motorcycles fairly well and asked.

“Starlight black.” Tang Feiwan sat down with her and finally looked around the restaurant. Unlike other late-night spots with tables crammed together, Tao Tao Ju had only six tables. The interior was decorated in a pure Chinese style. The elegant atmosphere softened the heavy cooking smells, keeping the air from feeling greasy.

“Why does everyone like starlight black? I prefer blue.” Jiang Mu finished speaking and called out, “Boss lady, bring the food.”

“Okay, Officer Jiang. Give us two minutes.” Jiang Mu lived nearby, and all the neighbors knew her.

Jiang Mu wiped her hands with a wet wipe and said, “Their signature dishes are garlic oysters, spicy crayfish, braised beef, and boiled edamame. I ordered all of them. We can add more if it’s not enough.”

“Oh, okay.” Tang Feiwan still seemed a little awkward.

Jiang Mu read her mood and said frankly, “Tangtang, I may be your little aunt, but I’m younger than you. Didn’t we agree to treat each other as peers? What’s with you?” She hadn’t originally wanted to get close to Tang Feiwan, worried Tang would constantly bring up husbands and children. Now that she knew they shared the same orientation, she wanted to gossip and, hopefully, become friends.

Tang Feiwan pressed her lips together, her brow easing slightly as she relaxed her back. “I’m a little slow to warm up. Once I’m familiar, I’ll be better.”

“Officer Jiang, your beer.” The server set the beer beside Jiang Mu.

“Thanks.” Jiang Mu pried off the cap and pushed a bottle toward Tang Feiwan.

Tang Feiwan refused. “I don’t drink. I have work tomorrow.”

“What shift?”

“Night shift.”

“Then that’s fine. How can you eat at a late-night place without drinking? I promise you’ll sleep better after drinking.” Jiang Mu unpacked her tableware and rinsed it with hot water, then did the same for Tang Feiwan.

“I had myocarditis not long ago. I can’t drink for now.” Tang Feiwan stuck to her principles. A doctor working on the front lines couldn’t let her body break down.

“Fine.” Hearing her mention the myocarditis, Jiang Mu thought it really did seem to be true. She gulped down half a glass and got straight to the point. “So tell me how you wronged Dr. Lin.”

“Huh?” Tang Feiwan was surprised by her bluntness.

Jiang Mu tilted her head slightly to look at her and said bluntly, “We’re relatives, and both of us happen to like women. Shouldn’t we support each other and get closer? What can’t you say?”

Though socially anxious, Tang Feiwan wasn’t the shy type. She recalled, “I was nineteen and she was twenty-three when we officially got together.”

Jiang Mu clicked her tongue. “She was your first love, and you were hers?” She had heard from Lu Yuqing that the two were each other’s first loves, the sort of couple people envied.

“Mm.”

“Then why did it become like this?” Lu Yuqing always gnashed her teeth when Tang Feiwan’s name came up, which made Jiang Mu even more curious.

Tang Feiwan didn’t hide it. “I went abroad to study. For many reasons, I neglected her. We talked less and less, and the content of our conversations became more and more perfunctory.”

Jiang Mu analyzed, “You stopped loving her?”

Tang Feiwan denied it flatly. “No. I never stopped loving her.”

“Then what were you doing? That’s basically emotional neglect. Who could stand that long-term?”

“I…” Tang Feiwan pressed her lips together.

“What ‘I’? Spit it out.” In just a few sentences, Jiang Mu, who had studied psychology, had figured out Tang Feiwan’s personality: typically introverted, mildly socially anxious, and in need of a push.

Tang Feiwan said simply, “I was busy with work. My free time became less and less. And I had long been used to Lin Ye being the proactive one. I became dependent and forgot that she also needed something in return.”

“No wonder I’ve heard doctors have a high divorce rate. The genius doctor in the neurosurgery department of the First Affiliated Hospital, surnamed Su, became deputy director at thirty-two. He’s always in surgery and has no time for his family. His wife works in our traffic police brigade and filed for divorce last month.”

As hot dishes arrived one after another, Jiang Mu shelled edamame and continued. “She said it wasn’t that she stopped loving him. She wanted to communicate, but the person she needed to talk to had no time. When she was upset and wanted a fight to vent, he said he was busy with surgery and patients. Like punching cotton, right? And you can’t even say he’s wrong. He’s saving lives.”

“It’s different.” Tang Feiwan’s eyes darkened. “Lin Ye and I are both doctors. Our work is equally busy. If she could make time, why couldn’t I?” She had recently seemed to clear a blockage in her mind. Constantly reflecting, she felt more and more guilty.

“So you still love Dr. Lin, and after coming back, you plan to chase her again and mend things?” Jiang Mu dumped a pile of crayfish shells into the trash bin by her feet and concluded, “That’s called finding your way back, not being heartless. Compared with my ex-girlfriends, yours is nothing.”

A trace of puzzlement flashed in Tang Feiwan’s dark eyes as she waited for Jiang Mu to continue.

“I started dating my first girlfriend in my first year of high school. We were together for three years. After high school, we went to different cities. Behind my back, she agreed to a blind date arranged by her family and openly dated that man. I was so stupid. I flew across the country to see her before I found out. That was the first one.”

“My second girlfriend studied journalism at the university across from mine. She also couldn’t take the pressure from home and secretly chatted with a blind date behind my back. I saw the messages.”

“Six relationships. Five ended because of family pressure, with them hiding back in the closet. Sometimes they’d send WeChat messages, saying they still felt happiest when they were with me. And what would I do? Block them immediately.”

“The last one wasn’t deep. She openly said she was attracted to my job and liked me in uniform, so she came after me. The breakup reason was ridiculous. She said she liked older women, not younger.” Jiang Mu smiled bitterly. “After my first two breakups, I was miserable. Then I gradually learned that as long as you get into a new relationship fast enough, the pain can’t catch up.”

“I don’t want anything emotional with anyone now. I just happened to download a lesbian dating app a while back and met Dr. Lu. Somehow we reached a verbal agreement: sex only, no interfering in each other’s love lives.” Jiang Mu had drunk two bottles of beer and was eating the crayfish Tang Feiwan had shelled for her, showing no sign of intoxication.

Tang Feiwan looked as if she had just learned some shocking secret.

“The moment I see any sign of romantic feelings, I’ll cut it off immediately. This time, I absolutely won’t grow a love brain.”

“Can sex and love really be separated?” Tang Feiwan rested her chin on one hand and voiced the same doubt Lin Ye had raised a while ago.

She loved Lin Ye, so she wanted intimacy with Lin Ye, wanted to sleep with her and share the deepest closeness.

“They can be separated. At least now, I don’t always think about her like I did in a serious relationship.” Jiang Mu pressed her lips almost imperceptibly. “Dr. Lu plans the same, so we’re getting along fine.”

“All right, enough about me. If you want to pursue Dr. Lin, I support you.” Jiang Mu reined in the indignation that had involuntarily surfaced while talking about the past. She took the hair tie from her wrist and tied back her hair. “Who hasn’t made mistakes? As long as it isn’t unforgivable, if you know you were wrong, try to change. If you succeed in getting back together, everyone’s happy. If you fail, at least you won’t have regrets.”

“Mm, I will.” Tang Feiwan said firmly.

“Will? Will what? Have you even asked Dr. Lin out?” Jiang Mu felt it wasn’t that Tang Feiwan didn’t love her — she just might not know how to date. While she was abroad, she hadn’t understood that a relationship required give-and-take. Now her pursuit was too cautious.

“Asked her out for what?”

Jiang Mu was both amused and exasperated. “Wait here.” She lowered her head and sent Lu Yuqing a message. [Off work yet?]

Lu Yuqing replied: [Off. Lin Ye and I are about to find a place to eat.]

[Come over here.]

[Why? You cooking?]

[Tao Tao Ju. Don’t you like their crayfish?] Jiang Mu had brought Lu Yuqing here twice.

The chat stayed silent for nearly half a minute. Probably Lu Yuqing was discussing it with Lin Ye.

Jiang Mu typed and sent. [Hurry. I’ll order five pounds of crayfish.]

Lu Yuqing replied: [Fine. We’ll drive over.]

Twenty minutes later, Jiang Mu went outside to meet them. This is an ambush, thought Tang Feiwan, suddenly ill at ease. She wanted to hide in the bathroom. But after hesitating, she stayed in her seat and watched the three figures outside slowly walk toward her.

Lu Yuqing spotted Tang Feiwan and elbowed Jiang Mu. “What are you doing?”

“I was treating Tangtang to dinner, and since you were nearby. Besides, didn’t you say Dr. Lin has been feeling down? At times like this, she should have a couple of drinks with friends and go home and sleep. You doctors are under too much pressure. Relax a little.”

Lu Yuqing turned to leave, but Lin Ye held her back and said gently, “Come on, it’s fine.”

Lu Yuqing was still angry. As she passed Jiang Mu, she stepped on her foot.

“Hey, you!”

Once the three were seated, Lu Yuqing deliberately separated them. She sat to Tang Feiwan’s right, while Lin Ye sat across from Tang Feiwan, her posture upright and graceful, hands folded naturally on her lap.

“Dr. Lin, eat up. Tangtang peeled the shrimp.” Jiang Mu had barely finished speaking when she was kicked again. Bearing the pain, she said, “She peeled the shrimp wearing gloves. I ate some too.”

“Thank you.” Lin Ye picked up her chopsticks, placed a shrimp into her mouth, and chewed slowly. Her expression was unreadable.

Jiang Mu asked, “Drinking?”

“What do you think, Officer Jiang?” Lu Yuqing had originally planned to find a restaurant near Shujiang University and have a couple of glasses of red wine with Lin Ye.

“All the beer you can drink. Tangtang can’t because of myocarditis.” Once the two of them had filled their glasses, Jiang Mu raised her own. “Come on, first drink. To a pleasant evening.”

Tang Feiwan used water in place of wine and drank half a glass. Jiang Mu was a chatterbox, sometimes chatting with her, then turning to chat with Lin Ye. Tang Feiwan watched Lin Ye knock back glass after glass of beer, and her slight frown gradually tightened.

Wasn’t two bottles her limit? How many glasses has it been already?