Chapter 53: Ren Dongliu (From the Past) – Love Always Fills Not Enough and Can’t Be Emptied… Part 2

“Did you hear me?!”

“I… I heard you…”

A torn wound could not heal on its own without disinfection, debridement, and stitches.

At five years old, amid those vicious insults, Ren Dongliu flipped the switch that would shape her personality going forward. An unnoticed egg of a parasite quietly took root at the torn wound, waiting to hatch.

If at that moment Wen Yang could have cast aside her inner taboos, transforming her fear of love into acceptance and inclusion, she surely would have removed that nest of eggs. But she did not. She sank deeper into her fears, torn between extremes of deep love. In the end, that inscribed love turned into hysterical thorns amid a rose garden.

…

Before puberty arrived, her body underwent obvious changes. The first experiences came from her chest. Between ten and eleven and a half years old, there was noticeable swelling there, occasional pain, and goosebump-like bumps after her clothes rubbed against it.

Measured from the center, the usual diameter fell within the normal range of about 3 to 6 centimeters, influenced by factors like age and hormone levels, until maturity when it turned rose-red.

As for those pigment-containing hair follicles, they began to grow in preparation before her first period. The moment she fully realized the changes in her body, they appeared alongside things she had never paid attention to before but had always been curiously aware of—like adjustable-strap bras in her drawer and sanitary pads, either for day or night use, with or without wings. At that time, Ren Dongliu still did not know that besides sanitary pads, there was a cleaner, more convenient option: tampons.

The arrival of her first period manifested most tangibly in the need for bras and sanitary pads.

But the most secretive and irresistible force grew swiftly in her mind, invisible to the naked eye.

Ren Sanliu could not say she did not long to grow up, but growing up truly brought her even greater troubles.

Wen Yang had grown old. Over these fourteen years, she had aged at an astonishing speed. Dark brown age spots sprouted on the back of her hands, wrinkles piled up on her face in folds that loosened her salivary glands, made her eyelids droop, and pulled the corners of her mouth downward like two heavy weights hanging on either side, casting deep shadows whether she smiled or not.

In stark contrast, Ren Dongliu grew wildly like weeds, pulled by an unstoppable force akin to gravity.

Every time Wen Yang looked at her, it sent chills through Ren Dongliu’s heart.

She was not looking at her; she was looking at Ren Beng.

The feeling of becoming someone else’s stand-in left Ren Dongliu both bewildered and intrigued.

The bewilderment stemmed from her absence in Wen Yang’s eyes—if she saw her as Ren Beng, then who was the person in that desolate suburban prison of steel and concrete?

The intrigue came because Ren Dongliu could clearly distinguish the difference. No matter how Wen Yang saw her as Ren Beng, she always knew who she was.

A third-party perspective often stood beside them, mockingly and pityingly observing this deeply affectionate grandmother and granddaughter.

“You’ve grown up. You’re a big girl now.” Wen Yang’s low, hoarse voice carried a few rough coughs in between.

She stood at the door of Ren Dongliu’s bedroom. The hallway light outside was off, but the room light was on. Ren Dongliu turned her head and could clearly see the face exposed in the bright light, yet for some reason… she felt a shadow always projecting across the bridge of that nose.

“I called your teacher. Don’t participate in the sports meet. Your studies are so busy you can barely keep up as it is—where do you have time for such nonsense?”

As she spoke, Wen Yang walked in. She went to the short stool behind the desk where Ren Dongliu did her homework and picked up the backpack on it.

From the corner of her eye, Ren Dongliu saw Wen Yang’s movements. She unzipped the backpack and turned to take out the contents one by one—

Textbooks, workbooks, test papers, formula notebooks, English newspapers, and class notes made with a neutral pen.

Wen Yang took them out one by one, opened them one by one (her left hand gripped the book’s spine, her right thumb pressed against the other side, and as her thumb slid, the pages flipped down like waves).

She coughed and said, “The other day when I picked you up, who was that boy you walked out of the school gate with?”

“A classmate, not from our class.”

“Keep your distance from boys from now on.” Wen Yang finished flipping through all the books and picked up the blue pencil case. “And who was that girl who came looking for you yesterday?”

“Also a classmate. She wanted to borrow my notes.”

“Doesn’t she take notes in class? Why borrow yours? Don’t associate with people who don’t study properly anymore.”

As she said this, Wen Yang was about to put everything back into the backpack when her brows suddenly furrowed—

“What’s this?”

Ren Sanliu turned to look and saw Wen Yang pulling a bag of nicely packaged candies from the side pocket of her backpack.

“The biology teacher got married and gave out wedding candies. Everyone in class got some.”

“Slacking off!” Without thinking, Wen Yang threw the unopened bag of candies into the trash can. “Don’t bring this kind of stuff home anymore!”

“Your main job right now is to study! If you don’t get into a top school, you’ll end up in some second-rate high school! What kind of future will you have?!”

“Got it, Grandma.”

Only then did Wen Yang repack the backpack and set it back on the short stool.

She had reached the door but stopped again, her eyes fixed on Ren Dongliu—

“Tomorrow’s Saturday. Come with me to see your mom.”

“Okay.”

After Wen Yang had completely left the room,

Ren Dongliu took a very soft breath, held it in her chest for a long time until she could not hold it anymore, then slowly exhaled—even softer than when she inhaled.

Over these years, Wen Yang visited Ren Beng in prison every month and always brought Ren Dongliu along, but Ren Beng’s attitude remained utterly cold.

She seemed indifferent to everyone. In the half-hour visiting time, she barely spoke. She just picked up the phone and held it to her ear, her eyes unfocused, staring at nothing. Wen Yang, on the other hand, chattered nonstop into the phone, unwilling to waste a single second.

As for Ren Dongliu, sometimes she stood to Wen Yang’s left, sometimes to her right, sometimes behind her.

She clearly felt her gaze meet Ren Beng’s, but for some reason, Ren Beng always seemed to look right through her. That calm, solemn face devoid of expression acted as if she did not exist at all.

That night, Ren Dongliu could not sleep. She lay with her eyes open, staring at the ceiling—

She did not know… what meaning there was in these year-after-year, month-after-month visits.

Even so, the next day, Ren Dongliu got up at the first hint of dawn.

It was just past seven. The street breakfast stalls were open, sanitation workers swept the streets with big brooms. Since it was Saturday, there was little traffic, and the bus stops stood empty.

The scene before Ren Dongliu felt lifeless. Even the lush green belts looked dark and lusterless. She followed behind Wen Yang, her heart adrift… like someone without a destination, simply following orders. Wherever Wen Yang went, she would go.

At exactly eight, they arrived at the prison gate.

They were always among the earliest visiting family members.

After completing the visiting procedures, they waited outside until eight-thirty, when the staff called them into the visiting room.

Everything unfolded exactly as Ren Dongliu had expected, without the slightest change.

Ren Beng sat inside behind the transparent glass; they sat outside behind it.

The glass was so clean that they could even see the fine wrinkles at the corners of each other’s eyes.

Wen Yang picked up the phone and chattered about every detail of the past month’s life, as if Ren Beng were not in prison but merely away on a long trip.

After finishing, Wen Yang pulled Ren Dongliu over and forcefully shoved the phone into her hands—

“Talk to your mom…”

“You have so much to say to her… say it.”

Ren Sanliu had no idea what to say or where to start. The woman before her, separated only by a pane of transparent glass and nearly identical to her in appearance, felt profoundly strange.

“Mom, I had congee for breakfast this morning.”

After that, Ren Dongliu fell completely silent. She even felt that telling her what she had eaten was merely out of polite upbringing.

“That’s good.”

Ren Beng replied.

As she spoke, her eyes looked at Ren Dongliu, then shifted away after she finished.

This overly deliberate politeness, like greeting a stranger for the first time, only deepened Ren Dongliu’s long-held belief—there was an insurmountable chasm between them.

They were separated by a transparent high wall.

Each had her own secrets. Even with the same face and the same blood, they could not share them.

In the last ten minutes of the visit, Wen Yang sent Ren Dongliu out first.

As Ren Dongliu reached the door, she suddenly paused. She was not sure if she had misheard—she thought she heard her grandma crying.

She whipped her head back to confirm, only to see Ren Beng’s eyes—eyes brimming with hot tears, filled with boundless affection, self-reproach, and guilt.

This was the first time Ren Dongliu saw herself reflected in those eyes.

—

Wen Yang said this on the day Ren Beng was released from prison.

Under the bluest sky, after breakfast, Ren Yu drove them from home. Amid the morning sunlight spilling from the clouds like a stream, the earth lay as calm as a deep blue sea. As the heavy iron gate slowly opened, she watched Ren Beng—worn by prison life, not destroyed but tempered—walk out.

“Sis…”

Ren Yu covered her mouth with one hand and reached for Ren Beng with the other.

Ren Beng looked up at the sky overhead, then turned her gaze to Ren Yu.

Seventeen years—she had served seventeen years.

Right then, Ren Yu grabbed the things in Ren Beng’s hands and tossed them into the trash without a second thought—

“Forget those… we’ve prepared everything at home.”

Ren Beng did not know if it was the joy of release that made her forget how to react, or if the rigidly scheduled square world of prison had left her too long, now facing boundless freedom without walls or fences… Either way, on the drive home, Ren Beng remained completely silent.

Once home, she first stepped over a fire basin at the door, then was pushed to bathe with pomelo leaves.

When she emerged, clean and refreshed, her movements were still stiff, like an awkward wooden post suddenly out of place wherever she stood.

At that moment, in this old family courtyard house—

Wen Yang continued from her previous words—

“I’ve taken care of your child for seventeen years. Now that you’re back, the child is yours to manage. After all, I’m just the grandma—you’re her real mom.”

Ren Dongliu stood by the dining table. She wasn’t much better off than Ren Beng—the same awkwardness and discomfort crept over her as well. But for some reason, when she heard Wen Yang’s words, her heart suddenly felt a little lighter. The long-suppressed tension in her spirit seemed to find some release.