Chapter 119: Constantly Rotting

“One middle-aged man caught my attention back then. He always sat in the back row corner of the internet cafe, incredibly focused on his game. He stared intently at the screen with his communicator on. I thought he looked absolutely awesome when his hands were tapping on the keyboard. I even secretly tried to imitate his style, but I could never get it right,” Silhouette made a typing gesture. “I stood behind him and watched for a long, long time. When he got up to use the restroom, I didn’t react in time, and he was startled when he saw me. I thought he’d call me a creep like the others, but he didn’t. He just went to the restroom, came back with two cans of Red Bull, handed me one, and continued gaming.”

“So, you two became cross-generational friends?” Qi Ran asked with interest.

“No. I didn’t drink it then. I just held it and threw it in the trash after I left. I’d heard you shouldn’t drink things strangers give you outside,” Silhouette said.

“Wow.” Qi Ran hadn’t expected that turn. She could only say hesitantly, “You were quite… cautious back then.”

Silhouette continued, “I stood and watched a bit longer that day, then left. I had to be home before dinner, so I could only stay until six. After that, I went every day to watch him game. I’d stand behind him and watch while he played. We never talked. He’d nod at me when he saw me, and I’d nod back. It was like a secret signal, very mature, very manly.”

Qi Ran said nothing. Silhouette’s description of “very mature, very manly” reminded her of Liu Xu. Liu Xu often liked to communicate in such abbreviated phrases.

For example, when arranging weekend outings, Xu Yan would typically send a long string of messages, maybe even attach photos of the destination. If it was a restaurant, Xu Yan would send a bunch of food pictures taken by others; if it was a scenic spot, she’d send landscape photos. Liu Xu was her polar opposite. When he wanted to go out for a stroll, he’d just send a single “1?”. Its meaning was roughly, does anyone have time? If so, reply with a 1. Then he’d send that person the address, and they’d just go out. It was like spy tradecraft code signals. She really couldn’t understand this excessive obsession with code ciphers.

“Later, because I went so often, the regular customers all got to know me. They stopped finding me annoying. When they saw me, they’d say ‘Little Bro is here again’. If the man wasn’t there, I’d go watch others play,” Silhouette said. “The manager got to know me too. Sometimes, he’d deliberately try to startle me, sternly asking if I’d finished my homework or what my grades were. When I told them my scores, they didn’t believe me until I pulled out my test papers.”

“After we got familiar, I even brought unfinished homework there sometimes. If I ran into a problem I didn’t get, some people in the internet cafe would even teach me. Although they sometimes couldn’t figure out elementary school questions. A bunch of guys who were there just to game and surf the web would huddle together, studying my homework problems. Often, I’d figured it out myself by the time they remembered how the formulas even worked.”

“That internet cafe was run-down, dirty, and chaotic, but only there did I feel truly alive. But that feeling of being alive only lasted an hour. After six, I had to go home. Just like Cinderella’s magic failing at the stroke of midnight,” Silhouette smiled soundlessly and continued. “On the walk home, I felt myself gradually rotting, turning into a walking corpse. Then, the next day after school, when I got to the internet cafe, I’d become fresh and lively again. Growing flesh and blood anew amidst the secondhand smoke.”

Qi Ran said nothing, her eyelids lowered.

The most important thing in language is emotion. Only words truly infused with emotion can move an audience. Even the simplest text becomes touching when charged with sincere feeling. Unearthing the past was like using a shovel to dig out one’s former self bit by bit. Every scoop of dirt was a memory from the past. If you weren’t careful and the shovel hit flesh, the pain cut to the bone.

The hardest thing to endure was never that the days were terrible. The hardest thing was that within those terrible days, there was a sliver of sweetness. Just a sliver. And a voice would keep telling you this sweetness was fleeting and could vanish at any moment… So, you’d begin to hesitate, wondering if that sliver of sweetness was even worth licking anymore. Maybe being like Fan Zhongyan, letting leftovers go sour before eating them, was better. After all, once you got used to that sweetness, life truly became unbearable after it disappeared.

In a sense, for people like them, enduring more bitterness was the path to greater happiness, because even more bitterness lay ahead. Getting used to the bitterness first would make the days to come much easier.

Silhouette smiled soundlessly. “Back then, I even said I wanted to be an internet cafe manager myself. The manager just said being a manager was no good. I was good at my studies and had a future. Being a manager led to a dead-end life. If I really went off to be a manager someday, they’d be the ones who ruined me… That manager was always fixated on the word ‘future’. So, I had no choice but to say I wanted to be an astronaut instead. Hearing that, the manager was overjoyed. He said that dream had a future, a great future. I had to go to a good university. When I finally became an astronaut, the few of them would have been there watching the astronaut grow up. The internet cafe would share some of that glory. Then, they could rename it Universe Internet Cafe.”

Qi Ran listened quietly, not interrupting his words. She had finished her beer, placing the empty can aside and taking a new one. Silhouette’s pace of speech was neither fast nor slow, like a stream, thin and easily overlooked, flowing along with the sound of rain.

“Once, I overheard the manager talking to someone else about that man. They said the man was almost forty, yet still gamed all day long. He couldn’t find a job or a wife and could only earn enough for food and drink by gaming. He practically lived in the internet cafe. A standard hopeless Internet Junkie. A deadbeat. But I didn’t think it was like that. I thought the man looked absolutely awesome when he typed on the keyboard. When he played StarCraft, angling his keyboard and flicking his mouse, he looked like a general masterminding a campaign. Even the way he flicked his cigarette ash into a paper cup was cool. I always thought, if only I could be that cool when I grew up… Or even a little less cool would be fine.”

“I went every day to watch that man game. From third grade all the way to ninth grade, six years passed in a flash. We never exchanged a single word. We just nodded every time we met,” Silhouette took a sip of beer. “My grades were always good. In ninth grade, I once rented a machine for myself, but I just sat blankly in front of the computer, not knowing what to play. I didn’t game or surf the internet, only knew Spider Solitaire and Sudoku. I played Sudoku for a bit, found it boring, and went back to watching him play.”

“I’ve also only ever played Sudoku and Spider Solitaire…” Jiang Zhique felt targeted, but couldn’t find an angle to retort. The last time she’d used a computer was during a middle school computer class. The old PCs in the computer classroom only had Sudoku and Spider Solitaire to play.

“I’ve also played Plants vs. Zombies.” Qi Ran considered herself slightly more knowledgeable about computer games than the two beside her.

“Then you’re better off than me,” Silhouette sighed. “I’m the textbook case of professed love without real liking. I didn’t like playing myself; I just liked watching the action.”

“Was that man a really good player? Is that why you liked watching him?” Jiang Zhique asked, puzzled.

“I couldn’t tell if he was good or not. I didn’t even understand the game on the screen,” Silhouette shook his head, denying it. “I just liked hearing the sound of the keyboard. It was fast and rhythmic. When that man gamed, he was different from the others. He never spoke, just played. So, at times, I imagined he was like those great martial arts heroes I read about in books. A man of few words but incredible skill, traveling the world alone with a donkey… But then I’d realize that didn’t work. Wouldn’t that make me the donkey?”

At this, he tried to laugh but couldn’t. So, he merely curled the corners of his mouth slightly.

“Then later, my dad caught me. My dad’s method of parenting was hitting. Or rather, he had no method. If my grades slipped, he hit me. If he caught me buying spicy sticks, he hit me. If I woke up late, he hit me. Because he hit me, I’d be late for school, so when I came home, I’d get hit again.”

Silhouette said flatly, “Later, I got used to it. My way of fighting back was to act like I didn’t care. Like a dead pig unafraid of boiling water. Unlike other kids who ran when they were about to get hit, I never ran. I’d just stand against the wall and lift my shirt. Anyway, it was always the same three tools: slippers, coat hanger, jump rope… Whenever he saw me do this, he’d fly into a rage. I loved watching him get that angry. It was very satisfying. When he tired himself out from hitting, I’d ask him if he was done. If he was done, I was going to go review my lessons. He’d get so furious his eyes would turn red and bloodshot. It was pretty amusing.”