Chapter 27: 27. “I’m Not a Kid Anymore” Part 1

“Okay, I admit I was being childish.” Realizing the childlike petulance in her words, Yu Qinjiu added softly, even more quietly.

“But I was just so sad back then. If I wasn’t angry, I would only be left with sadness. And in such an embarrassing situation, I think I had the right to think that way.”

As she said this, she seemed a little uncertain. Her gaze, directed at Salist, wavered faintly, tears glistening.

“Right?”

“Of course.” Salist gave a completely objective answer, but looked straight at her. “But in reality, you didn’t do that, did you?”

It was a question Salist thought had an obvious answer.

But Yu Qinjiu was stunned for a few seconds. The answer she gave was, “I think I actually did.”

Salist was surprised, but she just nodded. She looked at her for a moment longer. “I remember you said you hadn’t been back to China in ten years. Did you come back for her this time?”

“No.” Yu Qinjiu gave a negative answer, but didn’t continue. She just habitually lifted the corners of her mouth in a faint smile.

It was like a defense mechanism.

Salist squinted. “Then can I ask this: Is your return to China somewhat related to her? But she has no idea?”

Yu Qinjiu furrowed her brow slightly. She used her hand to push the stray hair from her forehead, repeating this action a few times. Then she looked up, meeting the patient gaze of Salist, and spoke.

“Every year on my birthday, I make two wishes. The second wish is to see the first project I helped design in person. The first wish is to…”

Salist noticed that she inverted the order of the two sentences. She said the second wish first, then the first.

Here, Yu Qinjiu paused for a moment, as if hesitating.

“To see her again.”

“But birthday wishes are hard to come true. I didn’t know if coming back to see her would disturb her. I didn’t know what the point of meeting her again would be. I didn’t know if she would be disgusted by me kissing her… because not everyone can accept same-sex relationships.”

“You said she doesn’t remember. It was a form of rejection.”

“How did you finally decide to come back?” Salist asked. “I’ve actually been curious for a while. You rarely take breaks. You even put off our weekly sessions sometimes. Let alone taking such a long vacation.”

“Then I received two notices. They were my reasons for coming back.” Yu Qinjiu didn’t say what the notices were about. “Originally, I just wanted to see her secretly and leave. I was sitting on the bus, and she was standing on the curb. Then she chased after me. She ran very hard. She was looking for me. She didn’t hold a grudge about what happened back then.”

“I watched her run in the snow for a while.” Yu Qinjiu wrinkled her nose. “I originally wanted to get back at her. Make her run a little longer, feel the cold a little longer. Who told her to ignore me when she saw me crying back then? Who told her not to wipe my tears…”

Her eyes gradually moistened, as if reminiscing about that scene. After a few seconds, she continued, word by word, her pace slow.

“But she looked really bad. Bent over, breathing heavily, her face pale. It looked like she was about to collapse. She got sick easily when we were kids. She’s been hurt so much. Ever since I was little, I always thought, no matter what, I never want to be the one who hurts her…”

She didn’t finish the sentence. She just stopped there and came to a conclusion. “So I decided to make up with her. I gave her my scarf.”

Salist listened to the whole story and nodded. “She seems like a really good person.”

Yu Qinjiu nodded without hesitation. “Yes. She’s wonderful.”

At the end of the session, Salist asked about her return to England. “What will you do when you go back to London? I’m not against alcohol, but I don’t want you to become dependent on it again.”

Yu Qinjiu tilted her head, seemingly not understanding what she meant.

Salist explained. “You said alcohol was her substitute. When you go back to England and can’t see her, I’m afraid you’ll let alcohol take her place again…”

Yu Qinjiu understood Salist’s meaning. She lowered her eyes slightly, letting her long, thick lashes cast a shadow over her eyes, hiding all her emotions.

“I haven’t thought about what I’ll do after returning to England. If something like that happens again…”

She gently rubbed her thumb and forefinger and lifted the corners of her mouth, using a seemingly joking tone. “If there’s really no other way, I’ll just have to rely on dreams.”

“Dreams?” Salist thought it was some ancient Chinese mystical technique.

Yu Qinjiu curved her eyes into a smile. “If you’re curious, I’ll tell you in detail when I come back.”

Salist was confused. “Is that for real?”

As the session was nearing its end, Yu Qinjiu became more relaxed. She answered carelessly. “Of course not.”

“Alright.” Salist sounded resigned.

After it ended, Salist asked a question that was outside the scope of the consultation. It seemed purely out of her own curiosity. “So, does she have any way to keep you here now?”

This was a difficult question.

Yet the answer was obvious.

Yu Qinjiu thought for a moment, then slowly shook her head. “I don’t know.”

Salist nodded and said nothing more.

The video ended. Yu Qinjiu had another conference call with her company. After her impulsive decision to take leave, many projects still needed to be handed over. So she often had to process documents and things remotely.

Just as Salist said, her vacation seemed completely pointless.

But she felt she was resting. Whether it was going to the hospital to see Yu Zhijiu and Li Nanli, or taking the time to buy goldfish for Ji Qingyou.

It all made her feel more alive than in the lifeless UK.

During the conference call, a colleague mentioned that the person in charge of a project at the domestic branch had a seriously ill grandmother. They asked if she was available to fill in until the project ended, then return to the head office.

She smiled, shaking her head, saying she was on vacation, not on a business trip. She was already working overtime by taking this call. She asked them not to make her vacation pointless.

The colleague had to let it go.

After the call, she video-called Lin Yingxiang again.

Brittany answered. Her first question was when she was coming back.

Yu Qinjiu rested her chin in her hand, thinking. “In about a month or so.”

“Okay.” Brittany pouted. “I feel like you’ve been gone for ages. Why aren’t you back yet? I miss you, Auntie misses you, Debby.”

Yu Qinjiu comforted her. “I miss you all too.”

Brittany wanted to say more, but Lin Yingxiang took the phone. She stared at her for a moment. “Why do you look so pale? You said your stomach was bothering you a few days ago. Did you get it checked out?”

Yu Qinjiu looked at herself on the screen. “Did I? I still look beautiful and glowing, don’t I?”

“Stop joking around.” Lin Yingxiang bit her lip. “If you don’t tell me, I’ll call Qin Bailan. She can take you to get checked.”

Yu Qinjiu was a bit surprised. “You and Aunt Qin have been in touch all these years?”

“Of course.” Lin Yingxiang looked at her with a hint of scorn. “Do you think we’re still seventeen or eighteen-year-old kids? Losing touch just because we went abroad?”

Yu Qinjiu felt strangely attacked. “How do you stay in touch, then?”

“Phone calls, of course. But I haven’t called in years. I don’t even know if she still has the same number…” Lin Yingxiang frowned at her. “Don’t change the subject. Go get checked tomorrow, got it?”

So they aren’t in touch after all.

Yu Qinjiu didn’t say this out loud. She just lightly reassured Lin Yingxiang. “I already made an appointment with the gastroenterology department. The doctor said I need some tests, so I’m scheduled for a gastroscopy tomorrow.”

“That’s more like it!” Lin Yingxiang muttered. “It’s at Little You’s hospital, right?”

Yu Qinjiu hummed in agreement.

Lin Yingxiang asked. “Will Little You be there with you?”

“She’s a doctor, not my personal doctor. She has to work.” Yu Qinjiu looked up, a little nonchalantly. “Besides, I’m a grown-up. Why would I need someone to accompany me for a simple exam?”

“Is that so?” Lin Yingxiang sounded skeptical. “Then how come I recall you dragging Brittany along for your physical last year? She was so scared of the gastroscopy and colonoscopy that she ran home. Your aunt had to drive her back. In the end, you had to do it under general anesthesia…”

Brittany stuck her tongue out from the side. “Yeah, yeah. Debby is clearly very scared.”

Yu Qinjiu pursed her lips. “Am I?”

“You are!” Lin Yingxiang and Brittany said in unison.

“Okay, maybe I was a bit scared then.” Yu Qinjiu had to admit. “Can I skip it this time? General anesthesia requires a family member to accompany me, and no one is here.”

“What do you think?” Lin Yingxiang glared at her. “Either you get it done properly and show me the results, or I buy you a ticket and you come back here to get it done in front of me.”

Lin Yingxiang had become more assertive in recent years. She had even forced Yu Qinjiu to see a psychiatrist in the first place. Although Yu Qinjiu had been resistant to the therapy lately, she would still not disobey Lin Yingxiang.

This time was no different. She sighed softly and answered, “Fine.”

Before hanging up, Lin Yingxiang looked at her for a while and asked hesitantly, “Has your father been bothering you?”

Yu Qinjiu couldn’t lie. “Yes. But I’m ignoring him.”

Lin Yingxiang was on her side. “Good. Ignore him. If he tries anything rough, let me handle it.”

“How will you handle it?” Yu Qinjiu wasn’t smiling.

Lin Yingxiang frowned. “I’ll take Brittany and slap him.”

Brittany chimed in. “I hit hard.”

Yu Qinjiu laughed. She hugged her knees on the bed, staring at the distant Lin Yingxiang through the small phone screen. “Mom…”

“Hmm? What’s wrong?” Lin Yingxiang looked at her with concern.

Under the dim light, Yu Qinjiu rested her chin on her knees, eyes lowered. “When I said I wanted to come back and visit, why were you so supportive? Why did you tell me to take such a long leave?”

“Oh, that.” Lin Yingxiang breathed a sigh of relief. She thought for a moment, and her voice softened. “I know your state best. Even though you never said anything, I could tell you weren’t happy in England. It was completely different from when you were a kid. To put it bluntly, you were like a walking corpse.”

“I thought maybe coming back might fight fire with fire?” she half-joked.

Yu Qinjiu hummed in response. “Are you happy, then, in England?”

Lin Yingxiang’s voice was gentle. “I’m doing very well. Brittany and her mother are with me. How could I not be happy?”

Yu Qinjiu clenched her fingertips, saying nothing.

Lin Yingxiang looked back at her. She hesitated. “Little Jiu, if you feel happier in China, you could actually…”

“I’ll be back on time.” Yu Qinjiu cut her off. She squeezed her palm, her tone very firm. “I won’t be separated from you.”

“Little Jiu…” Lin Yingxiang wanted to say more.

“Wait for me to come back…” Yu Qinjiu softened her voice, changing the subject. “I’ll take you to your favorite restaurant. You and me. Brittany can’t come.”

Hearing her name, Brittany popped her head in. “Why not?”

Yu Qinjiu stared at her. “Because it’s me and Mom’s secret base.”

Brittany caught the sharp edge in her eyes at that moment and conceded. “Fine, fine.”

Before hanging up, Lin Yingxiang tried to say something more, but Yu Qinjiu changed the subject every time. She had to pursed her lips and give up. “Make sure you send me the results after the exam tomorrow.”

Yu Qinjiu’s tightened fingers loosened. She nodded, saying “okay” in a soft, slow voice.

The call ended. The light in the room seemed to dim.

She lowered her head, burying her face in her knees. Her breath sank into her chest. The palm she had been holding was red from the pressure, leaving marks.

It was only when the phone on the bedside table vibrated several times in a row that she seemed to snap out of it. She took a deep breath and reached over to pick it up.

The screen lit up at her touch, illuminating her dim face.

It was a WeChat message from Ji Qingyou.

【Don’t eat breakfast or drink water tomorrow. You need to fast for 6-8 hours beforehand.】

Yu Qinjiu replied: 【Roger! Thanks for the concern, Dr. Ji～】

After she replied, the chat box showed “Entering…” for a few seconds. Then, before Ji Qingyou could send anything, Yu Qinjiu drafted a line on her own screen. She hesitated just before sending it, and eventually deleted it.

Just as the sentence “Are you free tomorrow morning?” was deleted, Ji Qingyou’s reply came in.

【I have a surgical meeting tomorrow morning.】

A very concise reply.

Yu Qinjiu pursed her lips: 【I’m not a kid anymore, you don’t have to explain.】

Another ten-plus seconds of “Entering…” and a new message popped up: 【But I already talked to the people at the Endoscopy Center.]

Yu Qinjiu was stunned: 【Talked about what?】

Logically, she was just going through a normal check-up. She didn’t need any “special treatment.” She was confused until a white message bubble appeared.

【Tell them to be gentle with you.】

This message sat on the chat screen for over ten seconds. Yu Qinjiu lost track of time. It was only when another message popped up that she realized she was already smiling.

【Just kidding. They’re actually very gentle normally.】

【Get some rest early. Good night.】

Ji Qingyou’s messaging style was very concise. She always got straight to the point. This time was the same. On the eve of Yu Qinjiu’s hospital visit, she had sent this in a joking tone. The purpose was probably… to comfort Yu Qinjiu.

After replying “Good night” to Ji Qingyou, Yu Qinjiu’s gaze lingered on the message “Tell them to be gentle with you” for a long time.