Chapter 47: “Look to the Right. The Moon Is Beautiful Tonight.” Part 2

She paused for a few seconds. The words she forced out seemed to carry a weight she could barely bear.

“I seemed to have become their burden.”

After saying this, she seemed to be completely broken. Her fragile shoulders slowly hunched back. Her whole body seemed to shrink into the chair like a weak butterfly.

“Compared to Ji Qingyou in the operating room, her mother and sister had to save me first. My mother was even sadder because of me. Even after she just woke up, the first thing Ji Qingyou thought about was me…”

“I don’t know why I make the people around me so worried. I don’t know why, when the people I love are suffering, I am the weaker one.”

“It seems… it’s very hard for me to protect the people I love.”

Salist understood what Qinjiu meant. Through the small computer screen, she looked at this girl who was trying so hard to save herself. She thought for a moment and asked her, “Debby, just now, you used the words ‘the people you love’ to describe them, right?”

Yu Qinjiu was stunned. She didn’t deny it.

Salist nodded and asked again, “Do you know that even people who aren’t sick can have a reaction like yours when someone they love is in trouble?”

Yu Qinjiu parted her lips, wanting to answer. But she didn’t say anything.

Salist continued. At this moment, she didn’t sound like a psychiatrist. She sounded like a friend comforting her. “The day I heard my grandfather was in a car accident, my grandmother fainted on the spot. In the end, compared to my grandfather, who had a few scrapes, my grandmother ended up in the hospital for a week.”

“When my uncle was scratched by a kitten, my aunt would cry non-stop. Sometimes, when I get home a little late from work, my seven-year-old daughter will be waiting at the door, looking around anxiously. She’s worried I’ll be tricked into going to a fake Platform Nine and Three-Quarters on the way home, because she was tricked before…”

As she spoke, she noticed the stillness in Qinjiu’s expression loosen. She smiled. “Of course, that’s because she’s cute.”

“Could you bear to say it’s because she’s sick?”

Yu Qinjiu pressed her lips together. “But…”

“Rather than focusing on the fact that you were sick and powerless in that moment, I think you should first focus on this…” Salist said. Her gaze shifted for a second, then returned to her face.

“You love her very much.”

Qinjiu was stunned. Under Salist’s very clear and rational explanation, she found it impossible to refute her point.

Because Salist said, “Those feelings of love, they were all covered by what you think is your illness. You ignored them. But they are much more numerous than you think.”

“I think it’s a pity. Their form of expression is misunderstood by you. In reality, the love you mistake for illness, its form of expression is the same as all the love in this world. Worry, fear, helplessness, anxiety… Before they are considered illness, they are just forms of love. They can happen to anyone who isn’t sick.”

Yu Qinjiu felt she was almost convinced. Under Salist’s rational and emotional conversation, her illness was completely overlooked by Salist.

“But I am still sick.” She frowned.

“Of course.” Salist’s expression relaxed. “I just meant…”

“You love her very much. And at the same time, you are sick.”

“I hope the order and the cause-and-effect relationship between these two are not overlooked by you. And the latter should not be seen by you as more important than those surging emotions of love. That’s all.”

“I understand.” Yu Qinjiu’s gaze fell on the glass of milk on the desk. After a while, she lowered her eyes again. “But I still affect them. I can’t be a healthy daughter. It’s hard for me to be a healthy…”

She paused, unable to find a noun to define her relationship with Ji Qingyou.

But Salist said a very close word. “Lover?”

Yu Qinjiu was a little dazed. She probably couldn’t be considered a lover. She couldn’t be considered just a friend either. What kind of relationship was it? Between her and Qingyou?

As she was lost, Salist said, “There is a term used to describe a relationship: symbiosis. Actually, it’s not a good word. It’s generally used to describe a relationship that is too close, too close to breathe.”

“In this kind of relationship, one side is strong, the other is weak. The weaker side will gradually lose their self, sacrificing themselves to accommodate the stronger side. The stronger side wasn’t originally strong, but because the weaker side is getting weaker, they have to become stronger. This creates a stronger desire for control. In the end, one side will inevitably consume the other.”

“After hearing your earlier description of her, I considered whether you had fallen into this kind of strong-weak symbiotic relationship. But from your description, I perceive that her requests are not mandatory. She seems to just offer suggestions, just give you some expressions…”

“I thought of a term.”

“What term?” Yu Qinjiu couldn’t help asking.

Salist looked at her. “Communal responsiveness. In a mutual ‘communal responsiveness’ relationship, when one party expresses a need or desire, the other party pays attention to the needs and happiness of the other and does their best to promote the other’s happiness. This is the healthiest kind of intimate relationship.”

“In other words, a symbiotic relationship will make you lose yourself. Facing this world, you are both co-conspirators and victims.”

“‘Communal responsiveness’ allows you to find yourself. You are each other, and also the self that is being slowly healed.”

“Although I’m not sure if you two have formed this exact relationship, if you are sure you are in this kind of relationship, if you are sure you have this communal responsiveness towards her, and she has it towards you, then you are a healthy lover.”

“Then you don’t need to worry about being sick. Because in this kind of relationship, your relationship is even healthier than many people who aren’t sick.”

“If you leave her, she may never find a healthy intimate relationship like yours again. The same goes for you.”

Salist repeatedly emphasized the word ‘healthy’ to Qinjiu. Qinjiu thought she would have a hard time accepting this theory. But she just was silent. She absorbed all the words. Then she asked a final question. “Then do I have to be separated from my mother to be okay?”

Salist was silent for a few seconds before answering. “I can only say that the relationship between you and your mother, although not very healthy, with some self-sacrifice and accommodation, isn’t that bad.”

“Of course, for you, this judgment will be difficult. But you can try to compare these two relationships. Think carefully. Don’t you always say that you and your mother absolutely cannot be separated? Even if there are things you want to do, even if there are things your mother wants you to do, you must go along with your mother. Even those around us always say that you and your mother have to be apart to make life better for each other…”

“But what about the ‘her’ you mentioned? Would you ever think that you absolutely cannot be separated from her, even if it means changing your life? Does she suffer and sacrifice herself when she is with you? Does your time together destroy each other’s lives? Do the people around you think that you and she have reached, or are about to reach, a point where you must separate?”

“The above, I’m not saying ‘these thoughts exist,’ but have you actually acted on them? There are many such questions to think about. I think by constantly asking yourself, you should be able to recognize what kind of relationship you have with your mother, and with your ‘her.'”

After this rather lengthy psychological consultation.

Salist’s series of questions still lingered in Qinjiu’s mind. She was grateful for this talk with Salist. At least on this sleepless night, she had some questions to think about, and some clearer, more rational thoughts.

Even though regarding the relationship between her and Yingxiang, she had been aware of this cognitively for a long time. But at least before tonight, she hadn’t recognized it this clearly.

She thought she would painfully realize this.

But in reality, it was like building blocks, one by one, already laid in her heart. When they finally took shape, it wasn’t as sudden as she had thought.

It turned out she had long been ready for this clearer cognition.

The night slowly seeped in through the large floor-to-ceiling window. Yu Qinjiu sat in front of the computer for a long time. She drank the now-cold milk, one sip at a time.

Maybe it was because Salist’s questions had touched something.

While drinking the milk, she realized she was thinking: because Yingxiang had poured this milk, she should drink it. Even though the milk was cold, she should still drink it. She couldn’t let Yingxiang be sad or worry if she saw it in the morning. If she didn’t drink it, she would be thinking about how Yingxiang would feel.

She didn’t think the cold milk tasted good.

But if this milk had been poured by Ji Qingyou?

She would drink it just because she wanted to. Not out of a sense of duty to Qingyou. She wouldn’t think that if she didn’t drink it, Qingyou would be sad or worried.

It was just a small thing. It couldn’t explain much.

But extending this thought, she remembered saying to Yingxiang earlier, “I’m sorry for having a daughter who isn’t healthy.”

But she had never said, “I’m sorry, Ji Qingyou, for being unhealthy and still loving you so much.”

She was always saying sorry to Yingxiang.

But she never said this kind of ‘sorry’ to Qingyou.

At this moment, everything seemed clear.

In front of Yingxiang, she had to force herself to be a strong and sharp daughter. But in front of Qingyou, she could be the fragile and helpless herself, or she could be the strong and gentle herself…

“Buzz—”

The phone on the desk vibrated, interrupting Qinjiu’s thoughts. She snapped awake. The bright phone screen lit up the whole study, making it one degree brighter.

She let out a breath.

She placed the empty milk glass on the desk and picked up her phone. It was a very unfamiliar number. Maybe some wonderful connection linked them.

She inexplicably felt it was Ji Qingyou.

She answered the call. On the other end came a silent, somewhat slow breathing. Nothing was said, but everything was said.

Qinjiu knew it must be Qingyou.

But she wasn’t in a hurry to say anything either. It was as if this silence, transmitted through the electronic signal, could bring her relaxation.

After a long moment.

“If you’re still awake, you can go to the floor-to-ceiling window in the study. Stand where the circular ceiling light is…” Through the slightly distorted electronic sound, Qingyou’s distant but steady, gentle voice appeared in the wind on this end.

“Look up and to the right. The moon is very beautiful tonight.”