Chapter 39: I Want to Go Home

Shen Yuezhuang couldn’t quite figure out Liu Yun’s mood right now.

Her voice had an eerie, spiteful edge she wasn’t used to, but Liu Yun had often been sarcastic in the past…

Shen Yuezhuang looked at her suspiciously. “Are you angry?”

At this, Liu Yun seemed to grow even more furious. But she laughed in disbelief, a cold sneer twisting her lips as she shot back, “What do I have to be angry about?”

That was true. When Liu Yun was angry, she’d go cold and silent, refusing to look at anyone. But this smiling face in front of her, though not exactly radiant, was convincing enough.

Shen Yuezhuang fell into a brief confusion. But, just like when she was a child learning to read—when she came across a character she didn’t know, she would simply remove the part she didn’t understand and focus on the part she did.

So, she set aside the part she didn’t get, which was Liu Yun’s tone and demeanor, and focused on the words themselves: “Very good,” “You’re quite something.” Surely, this was a compliment!

That made sense!

She had done a great job on her task. She deserved to be praised!

Besides, she hadn’t done anything to make her angry… Her train of thought stopped. Shen Yuezhuang silently stood up from the armrest.

She really hadn’t done anything to make Liu Yun angry!

Feeling even more justified, Shen Yuezhuang launched into an animated account of how she had deduced from Lord Jiang’s words that Jiang Huan was hiding a personal treasury, how she had cleverly schemed to get Lord Jiang’s IOU, and she spared no detail in recounting her entire conversation with Jiang Huan for Liu Yun.

Liu Yun just watched her gloat with cold eyes.

Her fingernails dug into her palms under her sleeve. The pain in her palm had already gone numb. Liu Yun forced a breath out from deep in her chest, maintaining a composed facade.

But in truth, her mind was a buzzing mess. The sounds around her were like muffled drums behind a membrane. She wasn’t really listening to what Shen Yuezhuang was saying. She only saw her lips moving, her eyes smiling happily, while all she could focus on was the mention of the Jiang family, of Jiang Huan!

Beneath her magnificent robes, Liu Yun’s body trembled almost imperceptibly.

The words ‘Shen family son-in-law’ and ‘Shen Yuezhuang’ formed a blade that sank straight into her lungs and heart. In the midst of this heavy injury, all reason and consideration flowed out of the wound, leaving behind only the piercing pain to remind her, constantly, relentlessly—Shen Yuezhuang would get married someday.

It wasn’t some state secret, just the embers she had to accept. The embers that burned away hope, expectation, and longing, leaving behind pale, hopeless ashes signifying eternal loss.

Since it was already dead ash, there was no hope left. Especially since this was her own one-sided wish. Even if it were mutual… she had married first. How could she be so selfish as to force Shen Yuezhuang to never marry?

And so, in the dead of night, amidst dream fragments and lingering memories, Liu Yun had also thought about making amends.

Amends for a debt that didn’t exist, an emotional debt. She thought, at the very least, she could choose a worthy husband for her.

But that was just her helpless resignation when she couldn’t have what she wanted.

In the end, who could be willing?

Now, with her reason broken, this truth, combined with Shen Yuezhuang’s brilliant, free-spirited expression, made the dead ashes burn hot again.

Or, more accurately, what was burning fiercely in her chest was never dead ashes, but a jealousy that Liu Yun had never wanted to admit, and hadn’t dared to.

The jealousy burned away her reason. Liu Yun couldn’t even feel her body growing cold, her tremors growing stronger.

Shen Yuezhuang noticed the change. She stopped her storytelling performance, her expression turning worried as she looked at Liu Yun’s pale face and lips. She reached out to touch her cheek.

“Are you okay? You’re shaking.”

The soft, warm palm pressed against the cold cheek. It made Liu Yun feel even more burning hot.

Liu Yun finally became aware of her uncontrollable shaking. She had thought it was from extreme anger, but the burning heat of that palm made her realize with a start: The Ice Poison had flared up again.

~~~

It was only the sixth day of the month. The Ice Poison had flared up early, and with a much greater ferocity.

Ruixue forced the Empress Dowager to take the antidote pill.

But even after taking the medicine, Liu Yun was still leaning against the armrest, her body hunched in pain as she tried to alleviate the cold’s torment.

Ruixue’s heart clenched with worry. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Shen Yuezhuang crouching beside her.

Her hands were covering Liu Yun’s, whose blue veins stood out against her pale skin. The worry in her eyes looked so pure it was almost disgusting.

Shen Yuezhuang sighed. “Can’t Abbot Yuanhui even cure this poison? It seems worse than last time.”

That one sentence, before Liu Yun could even react, struck a nerve in Ruixue.

Abbot Yuanhui? She still had the nerve to mention Abbot Yuanhui?!

Abbot Yuanhui had said the mistress needed peace of mind and stillness! How had she acted?

When she told Shen Yuezhuang this, Shen Yuezhuang hadn’t taken it seriously. Now, she had not only ruined Her Highness’s screen but also made her so angry that the poison flared up early!

Ruixue finally lost her temper and shoved Shen Yuezhuang.

Shen Yuezhuang didn’t even have time to react before she fell to the ground. The pain in her tailbone was sharp and piercing. She sucked in a sharp breath, unable to move for a long time.

“Ruixue!”

Liu Yun’s rebuke was weak. But Ruixue ignored her mistress’s reprimand, dropping to her knees. Her back was straight, and she still looked down at Shen Yuezhuang from a position of superiority.

“Lord Shen, it’s not the first time you’ve disregarded my mistress’s health. Abbot Yuanhui clearly explained that our lady cannot handle any agitation. But look at you! Every time you see my mistress, her poison flares up!”

“My mistress has been in the palace for years. The poison was always under control. But since she met you last month, the poison has gotten worse, and it’s come earlier. And now you dare to question Abbot Yuanhui’s medical skills? Don’t you find that ridiculous?”

Ruixue completely ignored Liu Yun’s attempts to stop her, looking as if she would give her life to say what needed to be said. She took a deep breath and continued, “Lord Shen! Miss Shen! My mistress is used to swallowing her teeth and forcing everything down. But those of us who serve her can’t stand it. I’m begging you! If you have any anger, take it out on me! Our Longevity Palace is too small to hold a great Buddha like you! So from now on, just…”

Slap!

Before Ruixue could finish, Liu Yun forced herself upright and delivered a slap.

The strength was light, given her illness. But it was the first time Ruixue had ever been hit. She stared at the Empress Dowager in disbelief.

“Your Highness?”

Liu Yun’s eyes were cold and stern, a hint of darkness in them. She was breathless, her shoulders heaving with the effort. But her voice was very soft.

“Ruixue, you have overstepped your bounds.”

~~~

Shen Yuezhuang sat on the ground, not moving for a long time, even after Ruixue had gone out to kneel.

Initially, it was because of the sharp pain. Then, it was because of Ruixue’s loyal tirade.

Shen Yuezhuang was not one to be pushed around. When the pain subsided, her first instinct was to shove the person back.

But by the time she had recovered, Ruixue was already kneeling with a thud. After listening for a few moments, she found it all so absurd.

Wasn’t it absurd? She was being accused, right in front of Liu Yun, of deliberately provoking her poison to flare up!

Ha!

She truly… didn’t understand.

Ruixue said that Liu Yun’s poison flared up every time she saw her. And it was because she made her angry.

What evidence was there for that?

In the last month, she had only made Liu Yun angry that one time she kissed her in the carriage. But even then, it hadn’t been like this!

If she could concede that the time she fell off the wall might count too, she would accept it.

But this time? What had she done?

Liu Yun asked her to become a female official. She did.

The Emperor told her to collect debts. She did.

She had already started collecting from the Jiang family! She had done a great job! She was just excited to tell Liu Yun!

Shouldn’t Liu Yun be happy for her? Shen Yuezhuang couldn’t understand why this was her fault. Why was Liu Yun’s poison flaring up her fault?

If it had been anyone else, Shen Yuezhuang wouldn’t have cared about such absurd, baseless accusations. She wouldn’t even bother arguing with them.

But Liu Yun’s harsh attitude forced Shen Yuezhuang to wonder. She had never seen Liu Yun show this kind of expression before. And this only proved again that they were no longer the close friends who had known each other so well, the ones who had spent every day together!

She couldn’t tell if her happiness was real or fake. She couldn’t understand why a playful kiss made her so furious. She couldn’t comprehend the heavy burdens on her mind.

Compared to her, Ruixue was the one who understood Liu Yun best now.

And it was only at that moment that Shen Yuezhuang, with a belated shock, realized how long six years of separation truly were. The gap made her believe Ruixue, the one who knew Liu Yun better. She was the reason Liu Yun’s poison kept flaring up.

This realization and acknowledgement left her with no defense. She accepted the accusation, her heart full of guilt and confusion.

From outside came the sound of Ruixue kneeling. Her knees hit the bricks with a dull, heavy sound that set one’s teeth on edge. Then, Liu Yun’s hand fell on the back of her neck, her thumb rubbing and pressing against the hairline behind her ear.

“Come here.”

Liu Yun’s voice was very clear, like melted snow water from a mountain stream. It was a little cold, but not biting. It also carried a carefulness that contrasted sharply with her demeanor a moment ago, making it impossible to tell if it was a request or a command.

Shen Yuezhuang looked up at her. But the moment she saw Liu Yun, all the grievance she had been ignoring overwhelmed her.

Her eyes were full of helplessness. She only managed to open her mouth, but before she could speak, her eyes had reddened.

Shen Yuezhuang immediately pressed her lips together, her chin trembling violently. Her nose stung, and she only tried to keep her eyes wide open to stop the tears from falling.

She didn’t refuse, shuffling into the chair and burying her face in Liu Yun’s shoulder. The tears finally fell freely.

It was like a child who had been bullied outside finally seeing her protector. Sobbing and hiccuping, Shen Yuezhuang hugged Liu Yun tightly. “Your… poison… is it… me?”

“No.” Liu Yun patted Shen Yuezhuang’s back lightly, her voice firm and gentle. She even seemed to laugh. “The illness is unpredictable. Ruixue was just anxious and took it out on you.”

Liu Yun tilted her head slightly, her lips brushing invisibly over the crown of Shen Yuezhuang’s head.

Her official hat had been taken off when she entered. Now, the soft fragrance of hair oil came from her soft hair.

That sweet scent, carried by Shen Yuezhuang’s sobbing, brushed Liu Yun’s lips from near to near, from far to far. Liu Yun’s eyelashes trembled slightly, a trace of stolen delight in her heart.

Outside the window, the last rays of sunset burned out. The twilight sky gradually spread. In the palace, yet to be lit, the vermilion official’s robe slowly merged with Liu Yun’s dark red.

Liu Yun’s neck was wet. She let out an almost inaudible sigh and tightened her arms slightly.

“It has nothing to do with you. Don’t overthink it.”

It was she who loved her. That matter had nothing to do with her.

Shen Yuezhuang seemed to mumble something in agreement. It was hard to tell how much she believed, but she also tightened her arms. What she said, however, was, “I want… to go home.”

She was so pitiful today, so sad. She had come to the palace full of good news, so happy. Who would have thought it would end like this?

She was like a little dog that had fallen into water, pathetic and endearing. Liu Yun couldn’t bear to let her go. When Shen Yuezhuang saw she didn’t answer, she thought she hadn’t heard. She tugged at her clothes, lifting her head to reveal her wet face.

Her eyes, always bright and smiling, were red and swollen. Shen Yuezhuang said again, “I… want to go home!”

Her eyes were full of unsettled fear. Going home seemed like the safest option. Perhaps Liu Yun wouldn’t have minded if she hadn’t seen that face. But seeing her like this, so close, so close and so soft and warm in her arms, how could she bear to give up this softness and warmth?

She raised her hand to wipe the tears from the corner of Shen Yuezhuang’s eyes, her own head bowing and her voice turning soft.

“Shen Yuezhuang, I’m cold.”