Chapter 65: Old Haunts

~~~

In the blink of an eye, winter had arrived. The ginkgo trees remained a brilliant golden yellow, and the plum blossoms had yet to bloom. The world still looked like autumn.

Christmas crept closer day by day, and Xu Yan’s work grew busier with every passing moment.

Chen Yi had planned to stay by her side and help her through this hectic peak period. But then her professor suddenly lost his mind and summoned all the students back to school for a mock thesis defense.

Chen Yi had asked if it could be done online. The professor responded with a polite smile. At that point, she knew there was no escaping it—she had to return to France.

The trip would likely take ten to twenty days.

She couldn’t bear it.

More importantly, Chen Yi was terrified.

She hadn’t forgotten the story of Xu Yan’s failed long-distance relationship with her ex-girlfriend across borders. Chen Yi had thought she could handle all her graduation matters remotely. But now, it seemed history was repeating itself. She worried that Xu Yan would be scared, so she was scared too.

Yet when she told Xu Yan about it, Xu Yan didn’t have any particular reaction.

“When are you leaving? I’ll take you.”

Her expression was so calm, as if it were no big deal.

Chen Yi couldn’t sit still.

“Wife, I’m going abroad! Not to the next city over!”

Xu Yan looked puzzled. “I know. To France.”

Chen Yi nodded vigorously. “Right! France!”

France, of all places!

Wasn’t Xu Yan’s previous tragic romance centered there? That damn City of Romance had left her girlfriend with such heartbreaking memories. Still, if not for that tragedy, there probably wouldn’t be their current happiness. Chen Yi decided to forgive France for a whole minute.

“We’re going to be in different countries!” Chen Yi might as well have plastered her worries right on her face.

Xu Yan saw her looking so paranoid, like every bush was an enemy soldier, and understood.

“You’re worried about me?”

Chen Yi nodded.

“But not entirely.” She clung to Xu Yan all sticky and sweet, hanging off her like a koala. “Mostly, I just can’t bear to leave you.”

“It’s fine. You’ll be back before you know it.” Xu Yan ruffled Chen Yi’s fluffy little head. “Besides, I’ve been worried lately that I’m too busy to take care of you properly.”

“What? So you want me to go.”

“That’s not what I meant.”

“You totally—”

Xu Yan laughed helplessly.

She had no idea which TV drama Chen Yi had picked up this little drama queen routine from.

“I’m sorry, Baby.” Xu Yan cooed to her. “I don’t want you to go. I just think you don’t need to worry too much about this. I know everything’s different now.”

“Our Yi Bao will take good care of herself in France, right?”

Chen Yi pouted. “Kiss me, and I’ll promise to take care of myself.”

Xu Yan raised an eyebrow. “You can still bargain like that now?”

“Just say if you’ll kiss me or not!”

Xu Yan shook her head with a smile and kissed her lips.

With Chen Yi’s flight to France now set in stone, Xu Yan took half a day off to see her to the airport. It was strange—Chen Yi had flown countless times before and said goodbye to friends and family at airports just as often. But today, saying farewell to Xu Yan, her tears flowed without warning, in the most undignified way.

Xu Yan didn’t want to cry, but seeing her like this made her chest ache with heartache.

“Don’t cry, don’t cry. How about I go with you?”

Chen Yi shook her head firmly. “No need.”

She rubbed her eyes. “Then I’ll head off.”

Xu Yan said okay.

Chen Yi dragged her little suitcase away, looking back every few steps. No matter when she glanced over, Xu Yan was standing in place—one hand in her pocket, the other raised gently, waving at her. She looked so serene, like a misty mountain shrouded in clouds, impossible to read.

By comparison, Chen Yi felt like a child.

She told herself not to look back again and headed toward the security checkpoint. But after two steps, her body froze. Some invisible force tugged her backward.

Chen Yi had always followed her heart.

The moment she felt that silent call, she grabbed her luggage and bolted back to Xu Yan. The expensive suitcase wheels screeched across the floor.

Xu Yan was stunned until Chen Yi flung herself into her arms like a bird in flight. Xu Yan wrapped her arms around her, grateful she hadn’t worn heels today. Otherwise, that momentum would have sent them both stumbling backward in an undignified heap.

No words passed between them—just a tight embrace. The impending separation was rewritten into an act of refusal to part. Two minutes later, Chen Yi took a deep breath, trying to etch Xu Yan’s scent into her memory.

“I’m really leaving now.”

Xu Yan said okay.

Chen Yi’s voice caught a little as she spoke.

She looked up uncertainly and saw that Xu Yan was crying too. The woman had turned her head away, not wanting Chen Yi to see the glistening tears.

“I’ll be back soon,” Chen Yi said. “Don’t worry. I’ll message you every day, okay? And we’ll video call.”

Xu Yan said, “I’m not worried.”

She was just feeling that bittersweet warmth again. In all the pivotal moments of her life, such instances were rare: someone who hated to leave her this much.

“I miss you already,” Xu Yan whispered softly. “Starting from this very second.”

Chen Yi wished she could stay, or shrink Xu Yan down to thumb-sized girlfriend and carry her in her pocket everywhere.

But reality couldn’t be bent to her will.

In the end, Chen Yi boarded the plane alone.

She snapped a photo of the sky from her window seat before takeoff and sent it to Xu Yan: Big Sis, your little kite is taking off.

No matter where I fly, you hold the string.

~~~

Before leaving, Chen Yi had thought the hardest part of these ten to twenty days would be missing Xu Yan.

She thought of Xu Yan everywhere she went.

The urge to share was the best proof of longing.

But when she landed and returned to her dorm room, she realized there was another torment in store.

Long-distance across countries—they could hear each other’s voices over calls and video, see each other’s faces, but not touch, not feel.

Xu Yan had opened a whole new world for her once again.

Listening to the woman’s moans over the phone, Chen Yi swore she wanted to be Doctor Strange and portal straight back home.

This session was wilder than any they’d had face-to-face back home.

Chen Yi couldn’t even imagine some of the dirty talk coming out of her own mouth.

Once they both caught their breath, Xu Yan’s voice sounded especially aggrieved on the other end.

“I miss you so much,” she said. “Baby, I miss you so much.”

Her mind, body, and soul every part called out for Chen Yi. For the first time, nearing thirty, Xu Yan felt this way—and did something so absurd.

Chen Yi’s face flushed as she glanced at the time on her phone. The days until her return stretched endlessly. She flopped onto the bed with a long sigh.

No wonder the ancients said: It’s easy to go from frugality to luxury, but hard to go back.

Being able to see her wife, hear her wife, even knowing she was fantasizing about her on the other end of the phone—and yet unable to do anything about it.

Chen Yi had an epiphany.

Of life’s eight sufferings, the worst is seeing but not tasting.

The Buddha says: I never said any such thing.

~~~

One ordinary afternoon, Chen Yi finished her mock defense at school, slung her backpack over her shoulder, and walked across the grass with a classmate.

Christmas was nearing, and the campus was decked out everywhere in festive decorations. Red and green dominated, visible no matter where you looked.

December in France was chilly. Chen Yi wore the outfit Xu Yan had carefully packed for her before departure: jacket over a thin sweater, with a fleece vest underneath. Her over-ear headphones hung around her neck—meant for listening to music on the way to the studio later with her classmate, but now just a useless accessory.

“Hey, Yi, is that your lover?”

Her classmate had seen photos of Xu Yan on Chen Yi’s phone.

Spotting the woman standing at the other end of the grass, she pointed her out eagerly.

Chen Yi was staring at her phone—Xu Yan hadn’t messaged. She wondered if Xu Yan was asleep by now. She was so busy lately. Though Xu Yan hadn’t complained, Chen Yi’s little informant Yu You’an was constantly checking in at the office. Chief Editor Xu was spinning like a top, and even Yu You’an worried she couldn’t keep it up.

The classmate’s sudden question left Chen Yi baffled. She looked up and could hardly believe her eyes.

Xu Yan held a small bunch of pale purple lavender. When their eyes met, she raised her hand high in greeting.

Chen Yi quickly said goodbye to her classmate and ran to Xu Yan.

“How are you here?” She had a million questions. “Wait, no—aren’t you super busy lately? And—how did you know I’d be here?”

Xu Yan took her backpack and handed over the flowers.

“So many questions—which one first?”

Chen Yi blinked.

The language of lavender was sunshine.

Had Xu Yan picked it on purpose?

“Feeling silly?”

Chen Yi nodded. “Yeah.”

“It’s okay if you’re silly.” Xu Yan took her hand. “I’ll take care of you for life.”

Chen Yi grinned slyly. “Who takes care of who is still up in the air. Big Sis, your cooking skills—”

Xu Yan shot her a look. “Got a problem with that?”

Chen Yi shook her head. “Nope, nope.”

“Tell me,” she wheedled, beaming at Xu Yan. “How did you get here?”

“Didn’t Yu You’an give you a heads-up?”

Chen Yi’s eyes widened. “You knew!”

“No need to guess,” Xu Yan said with a chuckle. A trace of travel-worn fatigue lingered on her face, but it was overshadowed by the sheer delight of seeing Chen Yi. “I burned the midnight oil these past few days to wrap up as much work as I could, just so I could steal away a few days to see you.”

“Christmas is right around the corner. Of course I want to spend it with you.”

“But what about work—”

“What are you fretting over?” Xu Yan arched an eyebrow. “If the place falls apart without me, then the company’s just wasting money keeping those people on payroll.”

“The gala’s for New Year’s anyway. Once I’ve seen you, I’ll head back and tie up the loose ends.”

“As for how I tracked you down here…” Xu Yan gave Chen Yi’s palm a gentle squeeze. “Silly, have you forgotten I used to be a total maniac?”

This campus—she had sneaked onto it hundreds, even thousands of times, all without Chen Yi ever knowing.

“So dangerous!” Chen Yi playfully tried to pull away.

“Feeling scared now, are we?”

Chen Yi flashed a sly grin. “Terrified.”

“Terrified to the point that if I can’t hold my wife in my arms tonight, I won’t get a wink of sleep.”

“Oh, right—since you’re here, want to revisit our old stomping grounds?”

Xu Yan blinked, puzzled.

Not until Chen Yi murmured the French name for the Calais Strait.

She said, “Shall we go watch the sea?”

Together, they would wash away those painful memories of the past.

“Xu Yan, I’m selfish too,” Chen Yi said. “I want Calais Strait to be a memory that belongs only to the two of us this time.”

Nothing to do with anyone else.