Chapter 66
Why did they break up back then?
The memory is so distant, yet so clear.
The cage she thought she had long since escaped was actually always there.
In the long years, it had coveted every inch of her flesh and blood, making her not know where else she could escape to.
If at that time, she could have said what she felt in her heart.
If at that time, she had had more courage to defend herself a little.
Or, if at that time, Jian Xin could have given her a little more time.
Perhaps, she would have slowly mustered the courage to face everything with Jian Xin.
But there are always so many “ifs” in a person’s heart, but there are not so many “ifs” in this world.
For them at that time, they could only make that choice.
One by one, they pushed them towards the final ending of separation.
Actually, this shouldn’t be a bad thing, right?
If they had really been entangled with each other and unwilling to let go back then, perhaps neither of them would have been able to truly grow up and meet again many years later, in the best years of their lives.
Yan Lu thought, she probably knew what she was really afraid of.
Afraid of not loving firmly enough, afraid that promises were all illusions, and even more afraid that she no longer had the strength to be reborn a second time.
The person who had once abandoned her was the wound in the depths of her heart that she could never forget, and also the one she dared not touch again.
But she didn’t know that Jian Xin had also tried so hard, in a place she couldn’t see, to seriously and clumsily mend that scar.
From dusk to dawn, Yan Lu had read every one of Jian Xin’s comments.
She had also always thought that her memory was quite good, but the stories she had once written had actually long since been forgotten.
Some of the comments she couldn’t understand, so she would click on the main text of that chapter to look at them again.
That night, the person who had walked so far suddenly turned around and saw a field of memory fragments as brilliant as the stars.
She walked along the small path of memory, picking them up as she went, sometimes crying, sometimes laughing.
The first ray of sunlight fell on the balcony, disturbing the tranquility of the night.
Yan Lu glanced at the sky outside the window—and just at that moment, all the silent shackles that had been pressing on her heart were finally released on this ordinary morning.
After a soft sigh, Yan Lu sent a message to Jian Xin.
—The things that happened back then, if you want to know, I can tell you.
Actually, between them, there was never a need for so many secrets.
It’s just that people always like to imagine the worst possible outcome for the fears in their hearts.
And so there are always so many separations and reunions in this world.
Yan Lu knew that Jian Xin was not a person with a very healthy schedule, and this time was too early for her, and she was definitely not awake yet.
So she did not expect an immediate reply.
Xin Xin and Cauliflower were already awake. Yan Lu called the two little ones to go downstairs for a walk, and after they came back, she made them something to eat.
Finally, she washed up, went into Jian Xin’s bedroom, and got into bed.
Hugging the large fluffy goose, she closed her eyes and went to sleep.
*
On April 12th, a Saturday night, it was the first concert held by the Z Band.
Everyone in the band had been preparing for this day for a long, long time.
Young people always have almost infinite vitality.
They had worked part-time during the winter break, they had performed commercially everywhere, they had applied for subsidies from the school, and they had also opened a pre-sale link for tickets online. Finally, they had scraped together the huge fee for renting the venue and equipment.
The moment the date was set, Jian Xin told Yan Lu the first thing.
Full of anticipation, she wanted to share her joy with her.
Yan Lu replied to her very quickly, and also immediately booked a plane ticket from Yuecheng to the Capital, and sent a screenshot to Jian Xin to see.
Jian Xin was so happy that she couldn’t find her way around. She sent a large pile of messages by herself, and Yan Lu would occasionally switch out of her typing interface to take a look, and reply as little like a robot as possible.
A short while later, the band was about to start rehearsing, and Jian Xin stood up and hurriedly sent a sentence—rehearsing, talk to you later.
The chat box instantly became quiet.
The days after that passed as usual.
Yan Lu said that the serial in her hand was about to be completed, and Jian Xin would ask every day, “When will it be completed? How much longer until it’s completed?”
She was afraid that if Yan Lu couldn’t finish it, she would have to rush to update with her phone at the concert.
Jian Xin had her own selfish reasons.
This concert was not large, not even a thousand-person venue, but it was also the biggest stage she and her friends could have at this moment.
She wanted Yan Lu to be able to listen seriously, to be able to feel every bit of emotion she wanted to express.
She had adapted a love song, a very classic love song, and she wanted to give it to Yan Lu on the day of the concert, in front of nearly a thousand people.
After that, she would make things clear with her family.
She wanted to be with Yan Lu openly. If her family didn’t allow it, they would go out and live together.
When they both graduated from university, their relationship would no longer be so distant, so faint, because of the two words “long distance.”
The four years of university had passed so slowly and so quickly.
It seemed that in the blink of an eye, there was less than a year left before graduation.
The day of the concert was getting closer and closer, and Jian Xin received the news of Yan Lu’s completion. She was so happy that she had chosen a pair of small duck plush pendants on Taobao after much deliberation.
The two little ducks had magnets in their wings, so they could be separated, or they could be stuck together to hug each other. They were fluffy and looked very cute.
When she had successfully placed the order, Jian Xin couldn’t help but wonder, why did she buy a little duck again?
She had taken a fancy to the little duck mold when she was buying a snowman-making tool last time, and this time, to celebrate the first concert of her life, she had chosen a pair of little duck pendants—would Yan Lu think that she liked little ducks?
She doesn’t like them!
If she had to say a small animal, she still preferred kittens!
But there were too few good-looking cat pendants, but these two little ducks were so well-behaved and dazed. She had liked them at first sight, so she had bought them without hesitation.
Jian Xin thought, at that time, she would hang this little duck on her body, and Yan Lu would also have to hang one!
After the concert, when they went out for a late-night snack, they would also have to sit next to each other and let these two little ducks hug all night!
Jian Xin counted every day and night with this expectation.
She couldn’t help but wonder, how could the days pass so quickly, and so slowly?
Quick was because she felt that she didn’t have much time to prepare for the stage, and slow was because she felt that she had been looking forward to that important day for a long time, but it had not yet come—and Yan Lu had not yet come to her side.
The Jian Xin of that year had never thought that what she was waiting for with a full heart was just a lost wish.
She had Yan Lu’s flight information in her phone, but on the night before the plane took off, she had lost contact with Yan Lu.
Yan Lu was gone, and she had suddenly stopped replying to her messages.
In the past, as long as Yan Lu was awake, her messages were basically replied to in seconds. This time, she hadn’t replied for a long time, and Jian Xin was surprised and struggled for a while.
But struggling would not get her a reply, and she was also busy with the final preparations before the concert, so although she was surprised, she did not care to the point where she could not get over it.
Jian Xin thought, maybe Yan Lu was just busy. Yan Lu would always suddenly be very busy.
Anyway, she was also very busy, so they could just contact each other after they were done.
So that night, after Jian Xin was done, she took another look at QQ, and seeing that Yan Lu still had no response, she pouted, suppressed the dissatisfaction in her heart, and went to bed.
When she woke up the next day, she remembered that she had to go to the airport to pick up Yan Lu in the afternoon, but she still couldn’t see Yan Lu’s reply, and she was a little dazed for a moment.
Everyone in the band was chatting happily about something, all about the concert.
Jian Xin just quietly looked at the private chat interface with no reply.
She couldn’t quite understand, what was wrong with Yan Lu?
Had she accidentally made Yan Lu angry at some point?
After a brief hesitation, she sent a message to Yan Lu.
—Why haven’t you replied to me?
—I’m picking you up this afternoon.
—Have you packed your things?
After sending the three messages, there was still no reply for a long time.
Jian Xin became a little anxious and went to the band group to be anxious for a while.
Xin: Does anyone know what’s going on when someone who used to reply in seconds suddenly stops replying? [Facepalm]
Yue: [Hmm?]
Zhang Shanshi: You made her angry.
Xin: But I haven’t done anything lately.
Zhang Shanshi: So bad, you haven’t done anything.
Zhang Shanshi: You really did make her angry.
Xin: [I don’t get it]
Yue: Don’t listen to him, he’s never serious.
Yue: Have you two not had a fight lately?
Xin: Mmm!
Yue: Then have you had any unpleasantness lately?
Xin: I don’t think so?
Yue: It’s either yes or no, what does this “I don’t think so” mean?
Xin: [Hesitates to speak]
Yue: Then let’s change the question. Your recent relationship is _____?
Xin: We haven’t been in touch much.
Zhang Shanshi: [Hahahahaha]
Yue: [What do you want me to say]
Xin: [Hesitates to speak]
Lan Lan: [So scary!]
Xin: I’ve been busy with rehearsals lately, how can I have time to chat?
Yue: [I don’t get it]
Lan Lan: [Scratches head]
Chen Yuan: [Praying]
Zhang Shanshi: [Mourning]
Xin: Taking a huge step back, even if something happened, she can’t just give me the cold shoulder, right?
Zhang Shanshi: How long has she been giving you the cold shoulder?
Jian Xin frowned and switched to Yan Lu’s side to take a rough look.
It seemed that it wasn’t just yesterday. Yan Lu’s reply speed had slowed down in the past two or three days, but she just hadn’t noticed much.
But in any case, at least she was still replying before.
Xin: From yesterday afternoon until now, not a single message.
Xin: Something couldn’t have happened, right?
Lan Lan: How about you give her a call?
Yue: Right, call her!
Jian Xin thought for a moment and quickly called Yan Lu.
First on QQ, then on WeChat. Neither of them answered, so she just made a long-distance call.
This time, she directly heard the prompt “the user you have dialed is switched off.”
It’s not time for the plane to take off yet, right? Why did Yan Lu suddenly turn off her phone?
Jian Xin felt that her heart was in a mess. She wanted to find Yan Lu quickly, but she didn’t know where to start.
This time was different from the last. They were not in the same city, and she couldn’t even wander the streets aimlessly to look for her.
Everyone in the band group started to give her ideas.
Someone told her not to be anxious, to wait a little longer, and said that maybe her schedule was just messed up, and she would reply when she woke up later.
Someone said that they would go to the airport with her in the afternoon to look, and said that maybe they would find her in the crowd at a glance.
And someone suggested to her that she could try to call Yan Lu’s university roommates or friends and find Yan Lu through others.
But who did Yan Lu know, and how to contact Yan Lu’s roommates, she had no idea.
Suddenly, for a moment, Jian Xin felt that her understanding of Yan Lu was really too little, so little that now, to contact Yan Lu and confirm if she was safe, had become such a difficult thing.
So she could only wait, patiently, until the afternoon.
Yan Lu still had no reply.
Everyone put down what they were doing and went to the airport with Jian Xin.
The airport in the Capital is so big, and without any communication, it’s very possible to miss each other in the crowd.
They guarded different exits, and their eyes were sore from staring, but no one saw Yan Lu’s figure.
Jian Xin was so anxious that she was about to cry, and she almost called her family.
In the end, it was Zheng Xinyue who persuaded her, “Don’t be anxious, don’t be anxious. Calling home won’t help, it will only make your family worry… Let’s call her school and confirm if she’s at school. If not, then we’ll find out when she left and how long she’s been gone. If there’s really something unusual, we can ask the school to help call the police. The school will handle it!”
Right, right, she could call the school.
These schools all have contact information, and you can find them online!
Jian Xin hurriedly called Yan Lu’s school.
This call was more troublesome than she had imagined, because she couldn’t say Yan Lu’s specific class and major, let alone Yan Lu’s dorm room number, and the other party had once mistaken her for a telemarketer.
After being hung up on several times, Jian Xin finally, with a lot of effort, made the other person believe that “a student from their school might be in danger.”
After much trouble, she got the news from Yan Lu’s school.
Yan Lu’s roommate said that she had taken a leave of absence three days ago.
At that time, someone had casually asked, “Are you going to the Capital again?”
Yan Lu had just shaken her head and told her, “I’m going back to Nanjiang.”
And then there was nothing more.
Nanjiang…
Why did Yan Lu suddenly go back to Nanjiang?
Jian Xin glanced at her family’s group, and her parents had not mentioned Yan Lu’s return in the group.
So Yan Lu had not returned to their home, but to that “home” in Liang County?
Why did she go back at this time, and why did she suddenly stop replying to her messages?
Jian Xin felt that her heart was in a mess. She wished she could buy a plane ticket right now and rush back to Nanjiang, and then chase to Liang County to see what Yan Lu was doing.
But her friends beside her told her that since she had gone home, there shouldn’t be any problem.
Jian Xin frowned and said that Yan Lu’s home was not a good home…
Her friends said again, “But wasn’t she still replying to your messages the day before yesterday? She was at home at that time. Maybe something really came up these past two days, and she’s just been too busy?”
—Everyone has their own things to do. Just wait for a couple of days and see.
This was how everyone comforted Jian Xin.
But Jian Xin suddenly felt that she was a little inconsolable.
Yan Lu’s family, there might be something that was holding her back.
But why did it have to be these few days? Why hadn’t she even replied to a single message?
Tomorrow night, would Yan Lu still come?
They had agreed a long time ago. Would Yan Lu break their promise because of some sudden situation…
Jian Xin did not come up with a satisfactory answer.
This matter, unless Yan Lu said it herself, perhaps there would be no other answer that could convince her.
So she continued to wait, rehearsing absentmindedly, and then waiting absentmindedly until the start of the concert.
Everyone in the band encouraged each other, but she just looked down at her phone again and again, trying to wait for a response—but until the spotlight fell on her, she still couldn’t wait for Yan Lu.
It was a successful performance, and everyone was fully invested in it.
The venue, which could accommodate over nine hundred people, was filled with unfamiliar faces.
A part of them were fans who had traveled a long way to see them, a part were students from the school who had come to support them after seeing the promotional posters, and a part were passersby who they had given flyers to on the street, at a very low price, or even for free.
Whether they knew this band or not, they were all infected by this performance, and were silent in one after another of the strange or familiar songs.
Before the end of the show, there were even people shouting for an encore.
Even though in the end they didn’t even break even, everyone was still immersed in this atmosphere, feeling the light that belonged to this moment on their bodies.
The only regret was that a certain part that Jian Xin had carefully prepared did not get the person it deserved.
Her little duck was not given away, so both of them were hanging on her.
When she was having a late-night snack, she inadvertently looked down, and the two little ducks had, at some point, hugged each other, and a nameless fire instantly ignited in her heart.
She frowned tightly and fiercely separated the two little ducks.
Her friends noticed her unhappiness, and after some thought, they accompanied her for a drink after the late-night snack.
The alcohol was good, but it couldn’t get rid of her sorrow.
After the alcohol took effect, for a moment, Jian Xin even had a very vicious thought.
She thought, Yan Lu had better have really had an accident.
She would be sad for her, feel sorry for her, and would not be able to eat or drink, and would be restless and sleepless all night.
She would remember her for the rest of her life, and she would be in her heart, in a place that no one could shake.
Sometimes, accidents and regrets are always better than hatred and unwillingness.
If some people were clearly fine, but had first abandoned their promise for an unworthy “home,” and then had not replied to a single message for three days in a row, then she would really want to go crazy.
The moment this thought appeared, Jian Xin herself couldn’t help but be amazed by her own darkness.
So in the countless pasts where she had suppressed herself for the sake of so-called love, her heart had already, unconsciously, become so dark.
So scary, she felt like a stranger to this version of herself.
She felt that she shouldn’t be like this, and she started to feel flustered.
She thought, she seemed to be a very bad lover. Yan Lu hadn’t responded for three days, why could she still patiently have this stupid concert!
She should be scared, she should be worried, she should quickly buy a plane ticket and rush back to Nanjiang to find Yan Lu!
Jian Xin suppressed her drunkenness and checked the nearest flight back to Nanjiang.
But just as she was about to pay, Yan Lu sent her a message.
Lu: I’m fine, I just went back to Liang County and was delayed for a while.
Lu: My phone was accidentally broken, so I couldn’t send you a message.
Lu: I’m sorry, I thought I had enough time, but I still couldn’t make it to your concert.
Jian Xin: “…”
Zheng Xinyue poked her head over to take a look and let out a sigh of relief. “She replied, isn’t she fine? It’s good that she’s fine! It’s good that she’s fine!”
She gently patted Jian Xin’s back and ordered another drink for her.
The drink was quickly served, and Jian Xin just replied to the message with her head down.
Actually, for so long, she hadn’t replied with a single message.
Too many things she wanted to say were written and deleted, and in the end, all that was sent was a question that seemed to have no emotion.
It’s Xin Xin: What were you doing?
Lu: My dad died, I went to take care of it.
It’s Xin Xin: I see.
It’s Xin Xin: My condolences.
Lu: I can buy a ticket for tomorrow to come over, if you need me to.
It’s Xin Xin: You’ve had a hard time, you should rest first.
After replying, Jian Xin put down her phone.
In that instant, she looked at the faint blue in her wine glass, and first, she breathed a sigh of relief, telling herself that it was good that Yan Lu was fine.
However, the next second, what followed was a flood of grievances.
—Why?
That was just a scumbag who had sold Yan Lu a long time ago. What did his death have to do with Yan Lu?
Why did Yan Lu have to throw away their promise for his stupid funeral?
She knew, she knew, she was too selfish.
The matter of life and death is always more important than anything else.
But it was clearly them who had agreed first…
There seemed to be a hurdle in front of her, and she could cross it with just a lift of her foot.
But it seemed that she just couldn’t get over it.
