Chapter 85: Stuffy
The brilliant golden and hazy sunset slowly receded like a tide, and the darkness came from the corners, completely enveloping this strange city.
These past few days, he would always wander around outside like a headless fly and then return to the rented house. He took out the key and inserted it into the keyhole, opened the door, took off his shoes and coat, and still did not turn on the light. He walked into the dark bedroom barefoot.
His toes unconsciously touched a few light and airy iron cans, and a chain reaction of noises was triggered in the darkness. It rattled for a long time, but he still walked forward numbly until his knees hit the edge of the bed. He then fell forward and threw himself onto the bed.
Lin’an at eleven or twelve o’clock at night was always very quiet. A dim yellow bedside lamp was on. Looking out through the floor-to-ceiling window, only a few houses had their lights on, like the few scattered stars in the night sky.
A car sped past downstairs, and the bright and cold light of the car lights slid across the ceiling. The thick night completely swallowed it. He lay in the darkness, his dark pupils dim and dull. Loneliness was gradually becoming a constant in his life. But he did not enjoy loneliness. It only made him feel embarrassed and in pain.
Did he have nothing left…
Su Yu suddenly remembered the business card that he had crumpled into a ball and thrown into the trash can. He had gotten the answer he had been looking forward to in his heart, but it had also completely pushed him to the other side of the darkness. He had chosen to come to Lin’an alone. The money Gu Chuan had given him was enough for him to live for a long time. Even if he were to live a life of debauchery every day, he would not be able to spend that relatively large sum of money.
There was a bar on the street not far from the neighborhood. He had discovered it when he was wandering around aimlessly. The colorful neon signs were flickering in his eyes. He just stood at the door for a while and still did not go in.
Alcohol did not seem to be able to save him. Only when the bottles and cans were piled up at his feet could his reason temporarily fall into a drowsy and blurry state. He would uncontrollably vomit, and he could not find the direction of the bathroom, and he would talk nonsense…
But after he sobered up, he would be entangled by those things again, like a lingering and resentful ghost. No matter how much strength he used, he still could not escape.
Once, on his way home late at night, he had been harassed by a few drunk girls. They had clung to him and would not let him leave. They had held his wrist and had walked towards the bar. Their words were slurred, and their behavior was crazy.
When he was surrounded by them, the smell of cheap perfume brushed past his nose. He inexplicably thought of Xia Qiange…
Her face had no aggression at all. Her makeup was very light, and her clear black and white pupils were clean and clear. The corners of her lips were always curved into a gentle and peaceful smile. It was as if with a light sniff, he could smell the sweet and greasy, creamy and fresh fruit fragrance of gardenias on her.
He had broken free from their hands and had fled from there. His back was pathetic as he disappeared into the shadows. After that, he had not gone out for several days.
He would often sit silently on the balcony, staring at the surging traffic outside the floor-to-ceiling window. The streets were decorated with lanterns and colored banners, and it was a lively scene everywhere as the New Year was approaching. But it seemed that there was no place for him.
But he couldn’t die. How could he just die like this? His dying soul seemed to be vaguely looking forward to something. He thought that the self who was still in that villa would definitely not be so afraid of death. He was just… still worried about something.
A few impurities seemed to have been thrown into the pure despair in his heart, and they had stirred up a few thick and small, thin threads that were pulling him up, pulling him to barely survive, and he could not fall to the ground for a long time.
He held his head and hit the wall with a dull thud, imagining cutting open his brain and pulling out every nerve to find it all over again, to find the thought that was making him so worried. But they were just hidden in a corner that could not be found, and they were grinning and laughing at his pathetic appearance.
Su Yu thought numbly, if he really found that concern, he would probably feel a little better.
He turned off the bedside lamp, and the darkness rose. The tide drowned his mouth and nose, and it completely swallowed him.
…
He didn’t know if it was because he was not used to the climate, but his sleep had not been good since he had been living here. He would always subconsciously curl up in the thick bedding, and he would be covered in sweat in his sleep, and he would suddenly wake up. His clothes were sticky and clinging to his body. He looked up at the sky, which was still gloomy and oppressive even though the darkness was gradually fading. It was as if it had radiated to him. The anger in his chest came for no reason, and he became inexplicably irritable. He kicked the bedding to the ground and hit the bed hard a few times.
He took a few deep breaths of the turbid air and picked up the phone on the table and turned it on. The dim light illuminated his pale and tired face. He opened his closed eyes. It was only four or five o’clock in the morning. The neighborhood was so quiet that not a single sound could be heard. It was as if he were the only one left in this world.
The message bar was empty, and not a single message could be seen. He turned off the screen, and his pupils also lost their light, and they were wrapped in the deadly darkness around them.
He was no longer sleepy. He put on a thin coat and got out of bed. The room in the morning was filled with a bone-chilling cold. He was cold and hungry. He found the rice that the landlady had sent a few days ago in the refrigerator and cooked it with the leftover corn. He was actually not in the mood to eat, but he still struggled to imitate a normal person’s life.
The gas seemed to be running out. The flame on the stove seemed to be getting smaller and smaller, as if it would be completely extinguished in the next second. He stared at the slightly swaying flame in a daze, and he was a little lost.
He lowered his eyes, and his eyelashes were drooping and formed a shadow, which covered the heavy dark circles under his eyelids. His beard, which had not been trimmed for who knows how long, had grown a thin layer of green on his chin.
As if possessed, he slowly reached out his pale fingers and touched the dark black wall of the pot. He only came back to his senses when he felt the scorching pain along his nerves burn to his central nervous system. He quickly went to the cold water to rinse his fingers, but a small blister still appeared.
A pot of porridge was half-cooked in the end, and it was completely inedible. He wanted to call the worker who changed the gas tank to come over, but he slowly realized that it was only five o’clock in the morning, and the supermarket downstairs was not even open.
He was still wearing that thin coat and was standing in front of the balcony in a daze. The days of waking up early were not pleasant. It had added a period of time to his already boring and painful days. This was a torment to him, perhaps the last straw that broke the camel’s back.
He felt that he was sick, but he was also really trying his best to get back to normal. He wondered if he should find something to do for himself, so that he would not be almost sleepless all night like now.
Su Yu’s gaze gradually moved farther away. He passed over the gloomy air of the light rain and landed on the messy construction site opposite the neighborhood. The uneven buildings were crookedly standing in the noisy dust.
The construction site was dark. On a rainy day, there were still black dots moving in the mud. The sun was not out, and the moon was also hidden in the clouds. Not a single star could be seen.
