Chapter 12: Mirror
Late at night, the wind was slightly cool.
“Come in. It’s cold outside.”
The little girl was clinging to him. She had closed the door and couldn’t wait to get her shoes. She hugged him from behind as he slowly bent down. Her movements were a little clumsy, as if she were too tired to use any strength. She turned her eyes and looked at his motionless daze, and she couldn’t help but start to explain.
“I just missed you. You let me stay at home alone, and I’m not busy with work. How can I be idle? Didn’t you also say you missed me? So I ran over.”
Su Yu held her wrist in return. It was still very cold. He smiled and brushed the dust from her hair. “I’m not blaming you. You’re here now. It’s been a long time since I’ve been out to play.”
“You’re really not angry?”
Xia Qiange was still carefully looking at him. She was anxiously caressing his palm. “It’s been so long. Have I not made any progress at all?”
He lowered his eyes and looked at the clear black and white eyes. Her clean eyes were pure, and they were no different from the obedient her of the past.
It had been so long. He frankly admitted that he still couldn’t tell the difference between true and false.
At the beginning of his treatment, Su Yu was a complete novice. He had naively thought that a stubborn illness should be treated with a strong medicine, so he had taken a wrong path of seeking medical treatment in a panic.
In this past year, he had spent so much effort, almost obsessively, and had tried his best to understand her illness. He had controlled her thoughts with the intention of doing what was good for her, and then he had used an emotional shackle to make her stable and obedient. He had to think over every word he said to her, for fear that there was a trap hidden in it.
But to see through a person’s heart was too absurd. It was no different from a fool’s dream. How could he see through her? And besides, she had such a mad and obsessive illness that was in her bones.
She had still tried her best to cooperate with him at that time. However, at a certain point when she was suppressed to the limit, the emotion that had been ground into a turbid mess had erupted like a geyser. He had almost died, but he had picked up a life on the edge of a cliff. He had walked through hell once, and he had also understood a lot.
Actually, neither of them had expected to have reached this point. It was as if it were a coincidence, and also as if God had finally pitied them for the hardships they had gone through…
At that time, the two of them were newly married, and they should have been deeply in love. He was guarding against her like a thief.
Not long after they had gotten married, Xia Qiange’s old illness had relapsed. She had been seriously ill and had been in the hospital for more than a month. After she had been discharged, her body had also needed to rest. She had been unemployed for a long time, and she had spent most of her money. She only had enough to barely maintain their lives for the time being.
The two of them were both 25 years old this year. His life had been blank for four years, and he had to re-enter the heavy track of life.
There were also people who had helped him. Gu Chuan had talked to him in private. After he had returned to the country, Gu Chuan had already stood firm. He could go to his place and take a leisurely post. He would have money and time to take care of people.
He had refused. Gu Chuan had smiled, as if he had expected it. He had handed him a graduation certificate, from Qingchuan University. At that time, it was Gu Zhi who had arranged for the fake death. The ID card was real, and the remaining two years of his studies had also been completed for him with some method.
Su Yu was so surprised that he couldn’t believe it, and he was also secretly surprised. Before Gu Chuan had come to find him, he had been repeatedly rejected in his job interviews, and he had almost been disheartened.
He had asked about Gu Zhi a little more. Gu Chuan had looked at him deeply and had finished his coffee and had left. He had only left a sentence, “You deserve it.” He did not pity Gu Zhi. But I understand you. You are Su Yu. If you want to stay away from her, then do it early. If you want to forgive, then don’t keep her hanging.
You and they have tormented each other for too long. Hate is a mark that is carved on the sand. No matter how hard you try, no matter how painful it is… the seawater will wash it away. And love is a sand that cannot be held, but it is always there.
Su Yu had remembered that sentence for a long time, and his heart had been vaguely pulled. He had always felt that he had to do something. But at that time, he was really tired, and he was almost physically and mentally exhausted. His heart was hanging, and he was just thinking of finishing the present first.
With a resume from a prestigious university, even though his academic career had been mediocre for four years, after a few rejections, he had finally found his first job.
He had stayed up late for many days and nights, as if he had returned to the gaokao. He had made up for a lot of the things he had missed. Fortunately, his work experience was carved in his bones. He had gotten the hang of it very quickly, and he had even left those fledgling graduates in the dust.
He would comfort her before he went to work and would ask her to be good at home, to be obedient, to endure, to hide her restlessness, and to know how to suppress her morbid thoughts. She would always say okay. She would look at him, who was in a suit and was mature and steady, with a full of joy. When he had left, she would kiss him, and she would hug him, and she would be reluctant to let him go. She was in a well-behaved and gentle appearance.
At that time, he was still naive. He had thought that everything would slowly get better and would get on the right track. He had even thought that her illness had a hope of getting better. The temporary success had made him a little dizzy.
He was blinded by a single leaf. He had somewhat forgotten how much Xia Qiange loved Su Yu. She could die for him without any hesitation. Of course, she could change for him again, to break her slender bones, to reduce her flesh and blood, and to transform herself into the appearance he loved.
So it was not that she had changed. It was that he had forcefully, and half-coaxingly and half-threateningly, transformed her. He had used a shackle to lock her obsession, and he had made her unlike Xia Qiange.
Those dark and twisted morbid changes were all well hidden. They had taken root and had sprouted in a dark and unbearable corner. She had put a locator in his briefcase, and she would call him every one or two hours to check on him, which had caused him to be criticized by his leader. She would even secretly follow him, and she would ambush him on his way home from work. Then she would pretend that nothing had happened and would go back before him, and she would pretend that she had been waiting for him at home for a long time…
It was not that he had not found any clues. He had also persuaded her, and he had warned her, and he had even gotten angry.
Fortunately, she was very afraid of him being angry. Later, she had told him that she was actually not afraid of his harsh words, or of his rough and violent actions because of his anger.
Xia Qiange had said that she was only afraid of Su Yu looking at her with that disappointed and deeply tired expression. The disappointment in his eyes was like a knife, and it was cutting her heart bit by bit. The pain was so intense that it was extreme, and it was coming in waves.
He had already been willing to accept her morbid and heavy love. In order to accommodate her, he had endured everything. She should not have let him down again and again.
So she would cry and would say that she would change. It was just because she loved him so much. She would beg him for forgiveness and would ask him to give her another chance. She was so humble that she was in the dust. So he had a soft heart, but he had managed her even more strictly. He was guarding against her like a thief, and he had silently and soundlessly distanced himself from her.
Sometimes he would think, was this kind of relationship… considered love?
He was very confused. He would be sleepless all night when she was asleep. But everything he had done was for the purpose of love. But could this be wrong?
He didn’t know the answer. So he had to slowly peel away the fog in his entanglement and numbness and continue to move forward tiredly. His work was getting smoother and smoother, and he had not been able to find any more traces of her morbid state.
It was as if it had really gone on the right track as he had wished. He was more and more at ease with her. Sometimes, when he was staring at her well-behaved and pale face, he had even thought that she had miraculously gotten better.
But in fact, her illness was not cured. The seemingly beautiful and fragile look was like a thin mirror. With a light fall, it would be shattered. The dense and numerous spider webs were crawling all over the mirror, and it had exposed the already-rotten and spoiled love between the two of them on the other side.
He had originally thought that he could always be at ease with her, even if she was Xia Qiange.
