Chapter 13: Fool
At that time, he was deeply tired. Occasionally, he would optimistically think, “How can there be a disease that can’t be cured? Time should be a good medicine.”
He was holding a love that was for her own good, and he had almost ruined her.
In a few months, he had experienced a series of promotions, and his salary had risen again and again. At first, it was joy. Later, he had vaguely noticed a clue.
Some of his colleagues had started to distance themselves from him and were gossiping behind his back.
The boss of the company was a woman. She had been working hard for half her life and was almost forty years old. She had taken good care of herself, and she was still beautiful. Her charm was mature, and the flower had bloomed to its ripeness. He had come to the company late, and he had thought that Lan Huan had a family. So he was ashamed of those rumors.
At that time, the rent for the big house had doubled. Her illness would occasionally relapse, and the medicine for her recuperation was also a very large expense.
Lan Huan had said that she valued him and would always talk to him about work. At that time, he was so busy that he was at his wit’s end. He was completely focused on his work, and he just felt that it was a good thing to be appreciated by his leader. He was already exhausted from just observing her at home, and he had no heart to notice other thoughts.
Later, he had found that something was wrong. He had been called to the office too many times, and he had vaguely felt that the woman’s attitude was abnormal. He had not hesitated. It was almost direct. He had not even cared about whether his job was stable or not.
Lan Huan was just stunned for a moment. She was not angry. Instead, she was frank and natural. She had smiled and had said that she was already old. No matter how thirsty she was, she would not be thinking of him. He had been overthinking it. He should not listen to the rumors in the company. He should work hard. When his qualifications were enough, he would be sent to the head office, and his salary would be doubled.
He had been blinded by the embarrassment of misunderstanding the other party, and he was also tired and was careless. He had repeatedly apologized and had been at ease. Not long after, someone had resigned, and no one had mentioned these absurd rumors again.
At that time, Su Yu had rarely attended company parties. He had only symbolically participated in the celebration after he had won a big project, and he had never stayed too late. After he had gotten off work, he would immediately take the subway and then the bus home. If it was late, he would take a taxi. He would never stay outside for too long. His life only had two levels. When he had left the company, it was home. His colleagues had all laughed at him for being a machine, and he was just torturing himself for nothing.
But perhaps it was because he was used to it. He had not regretted it. Instead, he was happy about her bit-by-bit changes. He was happy to see her well, to become normal, and to slowly enter the track of an ordinary person.
He had taught her how to love a person correctly. She was like a child who was learning to speak. Although she was clumsy and sensitive, she was also well-behaved and obedient.
He would often see her crying sadly at night, and she would be tormented by insomnia and staying up late. Her body would decline, and she would fall into a deep self-blame. She would feel that her hands were stained with blood, and the things she had done were almost no different from what she had done to him back then. She was always carrying the guilt of having killed a living soul.
Su Yu had asked Xia Qiange if she blamed him. She had shaken her head and had said no. If this was the way he liked it, she was willing. His self-blaming heart had been numbed by her tolerance and concession, and he had mistakenly thought that this was the right way.
That period of time was to find joy in hardship. There was sadness, pain, and confusion. A little bit of a gratifying change had made him forget the pain. He had told himself that all of this was worth it.
Sometimes at night, she would crave for him. The two of them would be lingering for a long time, and their breathing would be rapid, and their necks would be sweaty. She would be holding him and would be panting in his ear. She would ask him if there were any beautiful girls in the company who were getting close to him, and if they were interested in him, and if he would be moved.
Su Yu had looked at her pure and harmless expression at that time, and the questions she had asked him were all common questions that ordinary girls would ask. So he had thought for a few seconds and had said no. He had rejected all of them. She had immediately and with satisfaction held him tightly and had given herself to him completely.
But if it wasn’t for the fact that Lan Huan had said something, the fragile and self-deceiving relationship between them would not have collapsed in an instant.
Lan Huan admired him. She loved his handsome appearance. At work, she had become well-behaved, just because she had hidden it better, and her means were more covert. She had not let him notice a single bit. It was just true words. She was still young, but she had a maturity that could only be cultivated after having experienced a lot. It was a hidden love that was blocked by age and etiquette and shame. She had restrainedly and secretly loved him.
He could not lose this job for the time being. The two of them were still in a superior-subordinate relationship. But their relationship was only a taste. He had deliberately kept a distance, and they had been at peace for a long time.
It was not without reason that she was successful in her career. Lan Huan was a woman who knew how to restrain and endure. But after drinking, she had lost her inhibitions, and trouble had come from her mouth.
One late night, Lan Huan knocked on their door, completely drunk, almost passed out. It was the day of the company party. Su Yu hadn’t gone and had come home early. Lan Huan had been drinking, and her emotions were so deep that she couldn’t control them. She had been unhappy for half her life. She was a dozen years older than him, and the sourness was heart-wrenching. So she had to drown her sorrows in wine. After the party was over, she had hailed a cab by herself and had come to find Su Yu with the help of the alcohol.
He had hardened his heart and had wanted to drive her away, but Xia Qiange, who had heard the commotion in the house, had seen everything.
In his unease, he had seen her just smile and generously ask him to bring the person in.
At that time, she was already very well-behaved, no different from an ordinary person. He was extremely excited. For a moment, he had really thought that she was better.
Su Yu explained that this was his boss. Fortunately, Lan Huan was so drunk that she couldn’t speak. Su Yu went to boil water, and Xia Qiange was alone with Lan Huan.
He had never thought that she had stopped making him suspicious just because she had hidden it better, and her means were more covert. She had not let him notice a single bit.
Xia Qiange had only told him later that during that seemingly stable period, she had always been in a state of falling. The unease of losing him was tormenting her every day. More than once, she had wanted to die with him.
She would follow him every day. The locator had been moved from his briefcase to a button on his shirt. She wanted to know his whereabouts at all times. More than once, she had wanted to destroy his work, so that he wouldn’t leave her.
She knew this woman named Lan Huan. She was always clinging to Su Yu, and she was also his boss. The way she looked at him with a obsessive and unrequited love was so obvious. Every woman who got close to Su Yu made her wary and hateful. How could she not be suspicious?
She even regretted it, regretted that she had made a mistake back then, and things wouldn’t have come to this.
But Xia Qiange still couldn’t let go of the expression Su Yu had shown when he had seen her get better. It was almost ecstatic. He was holding her hand, and the man, who was in a suit and was mature, was at this moment like a child, and he was smiling at her foolishly. He was constantly repeating the words she had gotten tired of hearing. He had said that it would be fine, that it would be fine. She would become a normal person, and then they would live the life that ordinary people should have.
Who was to blame for him liking her? She could act for him. Even if her illness was already deep in her bones and was hard to cure, and the pain in her bones and flesh was unbearable, she could endure it. It would be fine as long as he was willing to love her like this. It would be fine.
The illness would occasionally be uncontrollable. The weather was dry, and her sleep was so light that it was only two or three hours. She would wake up alone and silently. The him by her pillow was very tired from work, so he was sleeping very soundly. He had turned over and had unguardedly exposed his long and slender neck to her.
She would stare at that patch of snow-white and would always let her mind wander. She would think of the girls he had talked to, and she would think of the long strand of a woman’s hair she had pulled from the seam of his button when she was doing the laundry last time.
She was even more terrified that he would wake up soon and would have to leave, leaving her alone at home. The overtime hours seemed to be getting longer and longer recently. He even had to leave home on weekends. He was so busy all day that he was at his wit’s end. After he came back, he would eat dinner, check his work, and then go to bed. They would barely say a few words.
The report when he was at work had also changed from a long paragraph to a few words, and then it had slowly evolved into one or two emojis. He would even reply very late, or he would be too busy and would not reply.
But she had to be good in front of him, and she had to give him freedom. She clearly cared so much that she was about to go crazy, but she had to pretend not to care, like a normal person, because he loved this kind of Xia Qiange.
The turbid morbid thoughts were suppressed again and again, and they were about to be unable to hold on. The woman named Lan Huan was the last straw.
Lan Huan had vomited at night, and her clothes were a mess. Su Yu had asked Xia Qiange to get a change of clothes. She had done as he had said. When she had come back, she had seen Lan Huan half-awake, and she was holding him. The two of them were very close. The woman’s long-suppressed love had all turned into a drunken mumble, and it had clearly reached her ear, like a spring thunderclap.
Actually, Lan Huan was also very beautiful. She was a completely different kind of beauty from her. She was mature and capable, and her charm was beautiful. She could make people have both a desire to conquer and a desire to protect. What made her most terrified was that Lan Huan knew how to love someone better than her.
Although Su Yu had immediately pushed Lan Huan away, and the two of them had not had any entanglement, when she had gotten closer, she had seen a strand of a linen-colored hair on his snow-white back neck. The hair was winding into a poisonous snake that was flicking its tongue. It had suddenly bitten into her heart, and a dense and numerous pain had arisen.
It really hurt. It hurt so much that she wanted to die immediately.
After a long night of tossing and turning, Lan Huan had woken up and had left with a red face. He had looked at her with an uneasy look and had asked her if she was okay.
She had really been stumped by this question. She had been in a daze. How should she answer? As he had wished, she had pretended to be well-behaved and had acted silly and had been an ordinary person. Or had she frankly admitted it, and then had continued to be transformed into a strange appearance that even she herself was not familiar with?
A short laugh had been squeezed out of her throat.
“Haha, it’s okay. Let’s go to sleep.”
Sure enough, she had seen the happiness in his eyes again. As long as he was happy, she was willing.
…
She had gotten up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. He was fast asleep.
She had neurotically looked at the strange person in the mirror and had asked.
“Who are you?”
The person who looked just like her had smiled bewitchingly, with a hint of an evilness. It had made her familiar and also afraid. The person in the mirror had said, “I’m Xia Qiange. The real Xia Qiange.”
“Then what about me?”, she had asked in a daze.
“You’re an imposter.”
“No. Su Yu said he loves me.” She had suddenly become hysterical.
“No. He doesn’t love you at all. No one will love a terminally ill madwoman. He only loves the obedient and well-behaved you now. He has never loved the real Xia Qiange.”
…
The mirror had shattered, and the cracks had torn open from the corners of her lips, as if she had been forced to smile, and it was dripping with blood.
She had shed tears. She had coldly laughed at herself. How many more times did she have to cry for him?
It would be better to die. Then she would not be sad in the future.
The corners of her eyes were wet, and she had touched them, and they were cold. The her behind her was laughing, and the mirror was shattered into pieces.
She had crawled back to his pillow and had stared at the white on his neck for a while. She had wanted to take some medicine and then go to sleep, but she had inadvertently touched a data cable that was just right.
This time, she had almost killed him again. In the end, she had still had a soft heart.
Su Yu had been in the hospital for a week. Before he had been discharged, the doctor had quietly told him that it would be best to take his wife to a mental hospital to see a doctor.
He had said thank you and had gone home. He had wanted to talk, but the girl had locked herself in the bedroom and had not come out. She had completely enclosed herself.
He was worried that she would do something stupid. He had been in such a hurry that he had broken down the door. A large patch of a purple bruise had appeared on his shoulder. He had been in a hurry and was looking for her. He had just seen her hiding under the blanket, and she had been wrapped in a ball, like a little ostrich that had buried its head in the sand.
The emotions in his heart had been brewing for a week, and they were all mixed up. His face was so stiff that he could barely show any expression. But just for that one moment when he had confirmed that she was okay, Su Yu had suddenly laughed. His throat was dry and hoarse, and the laughter that had been squeezed out was a little unpleasant. But he had seen her curiously peek out with a pair of wet and red and swollen eyes, and she was softly licking his cheek.
He couldn’t be killed by the same person twice, right? Then wasn’t it only he who could tolerate her illness? It was as if they were a match made in heaven, he had thought neurotically.
He had touched his neck, and his cervical spine was still in pain. But his greed, hatred, and resentment for her were all gone. It was like the melting snow on the side of the road, and he had suddenly stopped blaming her.
Su Yu had rushed over and had held her. The thin and slender bones were in his arms, and they were very prickly. His fingertips had wiped away the tears at the corners of her eyes, and he had caressed the dry and split ends of her hair. Her face was so pale that he could see the purple blood vessels.
He was so heartbroken, and his voice was trembling. “Why didn’t you take good care of yourself? What did you promise me?”
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Don’t go, okay? Forgive me one more time. I didn’t mean to.” She had touched his face and had carefully looked at the red mark on his neck that had not yet faded. She had cried even more.
She had almost killed her light.
“I love you… really. I’ll be good.” Xia Qiange had held his hand and had rubbed it against her face. Her palm was soon a wet patch. “From now on, I’ll listen to whatever you say. It doesn’t matter if it’s real or fake. I’ll always be the way you like me. I just want you to still love me. I’m begging you.”
He could feel her temperature. She was trembling, and she was afraid.
Su Yu’s fingers were straight, and his eyes were filled with water. He had straightened his fingers and had tied up her hair for her.
“Xia Qiange.”
He had said it was his fault. He had taught her that love was tolerance. But he couldn’t even do it himself. What right did he have to be so harsh on her? So you are you. You don’t have to become someone else for me. As long as you don’t hurt yourself, I’ll like you in any way.
She had raised her head with a dazed look and had asked him what he meant.
“Be good. To hell with the illness. We’re not going to treat it.”
He had curled his lips and had smiled. He was a little silly. But she was so happy to see him. She had heard him curse for the first time since he had graduated from high school. His hoarse voice was a little rascally. She had felt that his thin, red lips were so beautiful no matter what he said. She had lightly bitten his lips.
“I’m so reluctant.”
“Hmm? What did you say?”, he had not heard clearly.
“I love you.”
Yeah, she loved him so much. How could she bear to die?
…
To get back to the point, Xia Qiange was holding Su Yu’s neck and was again uneasily asking him, “Have I not made any progress at all?”
Su Yu didn’t make a sound. The tip of his nose was buried in her hair, and he was smelling the milky gardenia fragrance. “Probably not. You came over in the middle of the night, and you’re still not taking care of your body.”
“Su Yu! You bastard. Will you die if you praise me a little?”
Xia Qiange raised her hand and wanted to hit his chest, but she was held back and was held tightly in his arms. The fresh and dry sea salt scent on his body was even stronger, and his heartbeat was close to his, and it was slowly getting faster.
He frowned. “Your hand is so cold.”
Xia Qiange put her hand in his pocket.
She was a sharp and fragile ice, and he was a hot bone and flesh. They were born to be tightly entwined and to be lingering.
Their foreheads were on each other, and after a while, they were burning hot.
Xia Qiange was thinking, when had she become so shy?
She had suddenly realized that something was wrong. She had touched his forehead, and it was burning hot. She was so flustered that she was in a panic. She was also angry, and she had lightly hit his chest.
Her voice was also flustered. “You’re having such a high fever, and you’re still holding on? What’s wrong with you?”
She had wanted to push him away. “Hurry up and go to the hospital.”
In the end, he had held her even tighter, and he had not made a sound. His breath was heavy on the back of her neck, and then his body was getting heavier and heavier. She had turned her gaze sideways and had seen his profile, and her cheeks were also flushed.
Xia Qiange was suddenly helpless. She was supporting his tall and large body, and the two of them were awkwardly leaning against the wall. It was a long time before she had called the hospital.
She was staring at his long eyelashes, which were completely closed, and the smile on his lips was still there. She was no longer angry. She was buried in his shoulder and was so sleepy that she was about to die. Her voice was muffled. “Who is the one who is not taking care of his body?”
“Do you think we’re both quite stupid?”
She had asked him, and she had only heard his steady breathing. Her fingertips were on his high nose, and she was drawing a line. It was as if she were doodling. As she was drawing, she couldn’t help but laugh.
“You fool.”
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Author’s notes:
The last chapter was a memory. It was something that had already happened a year ago. The current timeline is a year later.
